Script for Rodney

Description: Rodney is the hypochondriac redneck sewer technician at Vohaul's boot camp.
Actually, "hypochondriac" barely covers it - Rodney can always find another disease he thinks he has.
Ironically, he is very scared of Doctor Nelzo.
Rodney has a very thick Southern accent. He's also a shredder on the banjo.

Dialog: dRodney

Roger: Hey.
[RODN1] Rodney: Howdy there.

Roger: I'm Ridgenald Borstein, the health inspector.
[RODN2] Rodney: Mah naym's Rodney, and I'm...
[RODN3] Rodney: ...wait, d'chu say... a health inspector?
Roger: Uh... yeah.
[RODN4] Rodney: Oh bwoy! You gotta help me!
Roger: Hmm, what kind of help do you have in mind?
[RODN5] Rodney: You's gots to give me a health inspection!
Roger: A what now?
[RODN6] Rodney: Ye know! Like a doctor's check-up!

Roger: I give you a check-up, and you'll let me in the sewers, right?
[RODN7] Rodney: Yeap. As soon as you get that doctor thing outta there first.
Roger: Yeah... ...what?
[RODN8] Rodney: Well, you'll have to get him out of that tent first.

Roger: Hmm, okay... let's suppose I do give you a 'health inspection'. But what's in it for me?
[RODN9] Rodney: Anything you wants!
Roger: Hmm... anything?
[RODN10] Rodney: Well, anything that I can does for ya.
Roger: Hmm... well, there is one thing...
[RODN11] Rodney: Yes?
Roger: But I don't suppose you could...

Roger: So...
[RODN12] Rodney: So...
Roger: See that Orats game last week?
[RODN13] Rodney: Helluva game. Helluva game.
Roger: Orats got a great team this year.
[RODN14] Rodney: They's gonna go all the way.
Roger: Ah-Yep.
[RODN15] Rodney: Uh-huh.
[RODN16] Rodney: Can I have another check-up?
Roger: I'm leaving now.
[RODN17] Rodney: (Call me.)

Roger: I have a bad feeling talking to you would be bad for my health.
[RODN18] Rodney: I git that a lot!

Dialog: dMonkeyBack

Roger: Rodney?! What the heck are you doing here?!
[RODN19] Rodney: Ah'm eatin' a Granola bar. Y'want some?
Roger: I mean, what are you doing inside Sludge Vohaul's subconsciousness?
Roger: Did the scientist send you in too?
[RODN20] Rodney: Nah, I'm the monkey-on-his-back.
[RODN21] Rodney: Y'can ignores me - Ah'm just a figment of Vohaul's imag'neshun.

Roger: If you're a monkey-on-his-back, why are you on the shoulder?
[RODN22] Rodney: Ah'm on break.

Roger: If you're not the real Rodney, why did you call me Mr. Borstein?
[RODN23] Rodney: Ain't that'cher name?
Roger: No, I'm Roger Wilco!
[RODN24] Rodney: Oh, so YOU's Roger Wilco!
[RODN25] Rodney: I was wond'rin' why there was so many dead Mr. Borsteins in here.
Roger: If you were made up by Vohaul, you should've known who I am.
[RODN26] Rodney: Look, yer ridin' on the back o' a giant killer Vohaul inside his own subcunshn'ness, carryin' a magical crystal squeegee...
[RODN27] Rodney: And talkin' ta someone you gave a rectal exam to five hours ago.
[RODN28] Rodney: If anythin', logic wents out ta' window ages ago, Mr. Borstein.
Roger: Good point.

Roger: Any idea how to kill this guy?
[RODN29] Rodney: Hmmm... must be a weak spot sum'where.
[RODN30] Rodney: Hav' ya used yer mythic weapon ta hone out 'is weaknesses?
Roger: I don't think it can do that.
[RODN31] Rodney: 'Ow 'bout strikin' 'im in 'is vitals?
Roger: I think that would only make him angry.
[RODN32] Rodney: Hmm... Ah'v got it! Ya hits 'im in the flashin' red spot, waits for 'im to stop spinnin' 'round, then hits 'im again.
[RODN33] Rodney: Repeat three times ta defeat 'im.
Roger: He doesn't have a flashing red spot.
[RODN34] Rodney: Well, th' only other option is ta reason with 'im. Ya needs ta get inside 'is head.
Roger: That doesn't help a bit!
[RODN35] Rodney: Read mah lips: GET INSIDE 'IS HEAD.
Roger: I'm still not following.

Roger: Well, I'm off to slay the giant.
[RODN36] Rodney: 'Ave fun.

Dialog: dRodney2

Roger: Uhh, that's not what health inspection is about.
[RODN37] Rodney: A-huh?
Roger: I'm not a doctor.
[RODN38] Rodney: Yeah, but you inspects health, dun'cha?
Roger: I inspect conditions and potential health hazards.
[RODN39] Rodney: So you knows about health an' you knows about inspectin'! Le's get crackin'!
Roger: *sigh*

Roger: Why don't you see the doctor like everyone else?
[RODN40] Rodney: Oooh no... Ah ain' goin' near that thing!
Roger: What thing?
[RODN41] Rodney: That there thing they's callin a doctor 'round here.
Roger: What's the problem?
[RODN42] Rodney: You seen that thing? Just scares the darn willies outta me!

Roger: Why do you want a medical check-up so badly anyway?
[RODN43] Rodney: You done ever read 'Diseases of the Janitalia'?
Roger: Well, not really...
[RODN44] Rodney: They talks about all kinda diseases there, and ah' think I got most of 'em!
Roger: Hmm, I'm pretty sure you're probably just fine, those symp--
[RODN45] Rodney: But ah gots ta' find out!

Roger: Hmm, okay... let's suppose I do give you a 'health inspection'. But what's in it for me?
[RODN9] Rodney: Anything you wants! (Duplicate)
Roger: Hmm... anything?
[RODN10] Rodney: Well, anything that I can does for ya. (Duplicate)
Roger: Hmm... well, there is one thing...
[RODN11] Rodney: Yes? (Duplicate)
Roger: But I don't suppose you could...

Dialog: dRodney3

Roger: ...go and defeat Vohaul for me?
[RODN46] Rodney: Defeat Vohaul? But he's tha supreme commander!
Roger: Yeah, you know... a li'l office prank on the boss, so to say.
[RODN47] Rodney: And put mah'self back on tha job market?
Roger: Why not? Ever considered a career in customer service?
[RODN48] Rodney: Actually, ah' has. And I'd rather die right here from whatever diseases ah gots.
Roger: Hm, okay, how about you...

Roger: ...convince modern game companies that all fan games should be given the green light?
[RODN49] Rodney: Heeh... How 'bout ah' just go and freeze off that there hell place while you thinks of sumthin' else that even remotely abides a law or two of physics and probability?
Roger: Oh, right, that was a bit far-fetched... maybe you could instead...

Roger: ...marry me and run away from this place? I've got it all planned.
[RODN50] Rodney: Ehh... mah, uh... religion is... against marriage. Sorry.
Roger: Which religion is that?
[RODN51] Rodney: The Bride-Punchers.
Roger: Hmm... well, perhaps you could...

Roger: me get in the sewers?
[RODN52] Rodney: Hah! The sewers? Ye gotta be kiddin', 'cuz that's mah specialty!
Roger: Really?
[RODN53] Rodney: Yeap. Yer lookin' at the official Sewage Technician of this here boot camp!
Roger: So you're a janitor then?
[RODN54] Rodney: Yyyeap.
Roger: We're not so different, you and I.

Roger: one of these fine leather jackets?
Comment: Indiana Jones / Monkey Island reference
[RODN55] Rodney: ...what leather jackets?
Roger: The ones right he-- ...oh bugger, I left them at home again.
[RODN56] Rodney: Anythin' else I might do for ya?
Roger: Well, you could...

Roger: ...arrange me a meeting with the one and only Captain Jean-Luc Picard?
[RODN57] Rodney: Who?
Roger: Captain Picard? Of the USS Enterprise?
Roger: You've never seen the show?
[RODN58] Rodney: What show?
Roger: ... good lord. Well, maybe you might be able to...
Comment: Reference to the "Extras" episode with Patrick Stewart

Dialog: dRodney4

Roger: What if he's just there, minding his own business?
[RODN59] Rodney: Me and that... thing, in the same room? At tha saym time? Nnno, no, outta the question, no!

Roger: But... can't I just, like, check you up right here?
[RODN60] Rodney: I'd very much prefer a confined space for that sorta thing, you know.

Roger: What if we find you a confined space other than the tent?
[RODN61] Rodney: You still gots ta use them doctor's instruments and things on me to make shure if ah'm okay!

Roger: Maybe if I just borrow some instruments from him?
[RODN62] Rodney: Plug them out and drag them through the cold? Ye could damage them. Or even worse - if ye don't puts them back together right, they might not discover a fatal disease I might has!

Roger: Well, okay, I'll see what I can do.
[RODN63] Rodney: Hurry up, will ya? I prahb'ly don' gots much time left!

404 - Boot Camp - Center

Roger: All right, stick out your tongue and say 'AAAAHHH'.
[RODN68] Rodney: Shudn't I un-dress and git on tha table?
Roger: Uh, no. That's not necessary.
[RODN69] Rodney: Well, I'll do it anyways.
Roger: Oy vay...
Narrator: Five minutes later...
Roger: Listen, Rodney, I'm not very comfortable doing this part without gloves.
[RODN70] Rodney: But I's could be ee-llergic to that there latex rubber!
Roger: Could you at least stop clenching?
[RODN71] Rodney: No promises, doc. Now 'scuse me while I turn my head 'n cough.
Narrator: Another five minutes later...
Roger:'s a boy!
Narrator: Yet another five minutes later...
[RODN72] Rodney: Thanks, Doc! I feel great! Hey, what's wrong with you?
Roger: Nothing. I just need a really long shower.
[RODN73] Rodney: Well, let's go get that sewer open for ya'.

405 - Boot Camp - Closet

Roger: Well, he's gone now.
[RODN74] Rodney: Who? The doctor?
Roger: Yeah. Let's go get that check-up over with.
[RODN75] Rodney: Huzzah!

406 - Boot Camp - Minilith

[RODN76] Rodney: Huh, I s'pose ol' Forksmith can't handle the moonshine!
Roger: Uh, yeah... passed out all by himself.
[RODN77] Rodney: 'N he calls himself a great soul-djah. Ah'm disgusted!
[RODN78] Rodney: Well, there you go. Thanks for ever'thing!
Roger: Bye.

716 - Vohaul's Mind - Shoulder

[RODN79] Rodney: Hey, Mr. Borstein. What's up?

Global Script

[RODN64] Rodney: Ay, don't touch me, ah'm extremely contagious!
[RODN65] Rodney: Or at least there's a darn good chance I is.

Roger: Did I show you this highly-reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass yet?
[RODN66] Rodney: If you didn't before, ya did now!

[RODN67] Rodney: No thanks. I don't know where it's been.