Script for Penguin

Description: Based on the "Batman Returns" version of The Penguin, this pitiful creature lives in the sewers of Radon.
He is not really a good guy to begin with, but ends up befriending Roger and giving him some words of wisdom.
His voice should resemble Danny DeVito's voice in the film mentioned above.

Dialog: dPenguin

Roger: What are you doing down here?
[PENG1] Penguin: Blargh! This is my humble domicile!
[PENG2] Penguin: What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
Roger: Not everything, right?
Roger: Lovely.
Roger: But what ARE you doing down here? What's with all the penguins?
[PENG4] Penguin: Pah! The apes drove our family from the surface years ago!
[PENG5] Penguin: I was forced to evolve and make a home here in the sewers for my feathery friends.

Roger: See? We have a common enemy! I'm against the apes too!
Roger: Just let me past so I can go under the gate and defeat them!
[PENG6] Penguin: Pshaw! As far as I know, you're in league with the apes!
[PENG7] Penguin: Probably lost your security pass and you're sneaking back into work.
Roger: No! Believe me! I'd never go through this much trouble for work! I'm a terrible procrastinator!
Roger: Check my resume! I have references!
[PENG8] Penguin: You're not getting through here, human!

Roger: Say, isn't it mildly annoying to constantly have that water dripping on your head?
[PENG9] Penguin: Grrrrrr!!!

Roger: I have no quarrel with you, good sir, but I must cross this sewer.
[PENG10] Penguin: Forget it! If I can't inconvenience you in one way, I shall inconvenience you in another!
Roger: Does this have anything to do with you being a miserable old coot?
[PENG11] Penguin: That, plus I'm really mad that there's sewage water dripping on my head.
Roger: You could shift over a few inches.
[PENG12] Penguin: And sit on the cold part of the pillow? Forget it!

Roger: I'll pay you! How much do you want?
[PENG13] Penguin: 50,000 buckazoids. Or something of equivalent value. Whatcha got?
Roger: Uh... how about a bucket? You could wear it like a fez. You'd look pretty good, and the girls would dig it!
[PENG14] Penguin: Buckets aren't in fashion this season.
Roger: Your loss.

Roger: Can I have one of your penguins?
[PENG15] Penguin: These penguins are my brethren! They belong to no one!
Roger: So if I stole one, you wouldn't mind?
[PENG16] Penguin: I suppose not.

Roger: Do the Spewters give you much trouble?
[PENG17] Penguin: Why would they give me trouble?
Roger: They fart poisonous gas and eat things alive.
[PENG18] Penguin: Haven't we all?
Roger: No. Some of us aren't lucky enough to be that high up on the food chain.

Roger: I'd love to stay and chat, but...
[PENG19] Penguin: Yeah, whatever.

412 - Sewers - Penguin Lair

Roger: Ack!
[PENG40] Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is 'AAAAAARGH!'
Roger: Oh?
[PENG41] Penguin: No, no. 'Aauuuuugh', at the back of the throat.
Roger: Aauugh?
[PENG42] Penguin: Yes, that's right. Now who are you and why have you entered my lair?
Roger: I'm, uh, Roger Wilco, and I'm just trying to find a way around the gate. I didn't know anybody actually lived down here.
[PENG43] Penguin: And so we do! For you stand in the presence of The Penguin, king of the sewers and guardian of this passage!
[PENG44] Penguin: And you, Mr. Wilco, are the first mortal to ever lay eyes upon me!
Roger: Really?
[PENG45] Penguin: Well, except for that darn ape with the crowbar...and a couple kids.
[PENG46] Penguin: And my mom on weekends.
Roger: Can I just pass through? I'm kind of in a hurry.
[PENG47] Penguin: Heh, heh, heh - of course, you can.
[PENG48] Penguin: Just step a little closer so I get a better look at you.
[PENG49] Penguin: A little closer.
[PENG50] Penguin: To your left.
[PENG51] Penguin: Bwahahah!
Roger: Yuck!
[PENG52] Penguin: I got ya!
[PENG51] Penguin: Bwahahah! (Duplicate)
[PENG52] Penguin: I got ya! (Duplicate)
Roger: This is disgusting!
[PENG53] Penguin: What a fool!
[PENG54] Penguin: Aha-ha-ha-ha!
Narrator: You head back to the camp and clean yourself up.

[PENG55] Penguin: Ah, so you return!
Roger: Can we just talk for a minute - just you and me?
[PENG56] Penguin: Of course, of course. But could you speak up a little?
[PENG57] Penguin: I'm hard of hearing and you're so far away.
Roger: Hang on a second.
Roger: Can you hear me now?
[PENG58] Penguin: Quite.
[PENG59] Penguin: Ahahahahaha!
[PENG60] Penguin: I can't believe you actually fell for it again!
Roger: What the? Daaah!!
Narrator: You head back to the camp and clean yourself up.

Roger: All right, that's enough. Let's talk business.
[PENG61] Penguin: I'm listening...
Roger: I'm willing to trade something in my pocket in exchange for safe passage through your sewers.
[PENG62] Penguin: Is that a fact? What do you have?
Roger: Here, let me show you.
Roger: What is your PROBLEM?!
[PENG63] Penguin: I couldn't help it - you just set yourself up like that!
Roger: I'll be back and you'll be sorry!
Narrator: You head back to the camp and clean yourself up.

Roger: Okay, buddy! I've had it up to here with...
Roger: D'oh.
[PENG64] Penguin: I can't believe you just walked right into that spot!
Roger: Yeah, me neither.
Narrator: You head back to the camp and clean yourself up.

Roger: Okay, seriously - why are you doing this to me?
[PENG65] Penguin: Because I'm a miserable old coot and I enjoy humiliating others.
Roger: Well, just this once, can we bury the hatchet?
Roger: There's bigger things going on than just you and me and we need to get this resolved ASAP.
Roger: You see, up on the surface, apes are plotting to overthrow the galaxy and my girlfriend's been kidnapped.
Roger: If you don't let me through here, we're all doomed.
[PENG66] Penguin: Baaahhh... fine.
Roger: So I can go through?
[PENG67] Penguin: I suppose.
Roger: And this is not a ruse?
Roger: You won't grab that lever and dump sewage on me again?
[PENG68] Penguin: No.
Roger: Yes, you will.
[PENG69] Penguin: No. I won't.
[PENG70] Penguin: It's juvenile and immature.
Roger: So, it's perfectly safe for me to walk through now?
[PENG71] Penguin: Yes.
Roger: I don't believe you!
Roger: You're totally just going to pull that lever!
[PENG72] Penguin: You are really starting to irritate me.
[PENG73] Penguin: Listen, if I pull this lever, you're just gonna come back down here and bother me again.
[PENG74] Penguin: Personally, this whole thing stopped being funny about 40 minutes ago.
[PENG75] Penguin: Now I just want to sleep.
[PENG76] Penguin: Now get lost before I change my mind and have my penguins throw you out.
Roger: You're really serious about this?
[PENG71] Penguin: Yes. (Duplicate)
Roger: Oh... thanks.
[PENG77] Penguin: Now it's funny again!
Roger: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
[PENG78] Penguin: I could do this alllll day!
Narrator: You head back to the camp and clean yourself up.

[PENG79] Penguin: Oh, back for more, are we?
Roger: Listen, Penguin, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
[PENG80] Penguin: Is that so? Come closer so we can discuss this.
[PENG81] Penguin: What? What's going on here?
[PENG82] Penguin: Bah! Come on!
[PENG83] Penguin: Aauuuuugh!!! Penguins! Seize him!

Roger: You know, now that I think of it, that sewage trick IS pretty funny!
[PENG84] Penguin: Shut up.

[PENG85] Penguin: Where do you think YOU'RE going?! Penguins - attack!

701 - Moon - Vohaul's Lair

Roger: Hey, can I take that hamster?
Vohaul: ...huh?
Vohaul: What are you up to, Wilco?
Roger: Just wanted to see if that hamster was maybe powering you or something.
Vohaul: What? Hah! That's ridiculous!
Vohaul: You're about as dumb as the apemen!
Roger: The apemen who built you?
Vohaul: Exactly!
Vohaul: Uhh... wait...
Roger: It kind of makes sense, doesn't it?
Vohaul: No... NO! This can't-- kh-cahn't...
Vohaul: YOU... BLOODY... AAApee... iiiidddiiiiioooottsshhhh......
Roger: Well, that was easy.
Beatrice: I'm glad it's over. Let's get outta here.
Roger: Wait, someone's coming.
Ape Scientist: Alas, my beautiful creation has met its untimely demise.
Ape Scientist: Only now do I see the folly in resurrecting an evil dictator in the form of a homicidal robot.
Beatrice: Are you the guy responsible for this?
Ape Scientist: I was the one who rebuilt him, yes. But in a way, we were all responsible.
Ape Scientist: Once upon a time, Vohaul was a wonderful leader.
Ape Scientist: He treated his workers well, gave us flexible hours - even got us a good dental plan.
Roger: So what happened?
Ape Scientist: I suppose years of stress eventually caught up to him.
Ape Scientist: Started ranting about universal domination and all. Such a shame.
Ape Scientist: We were hoping that we had brought back our glorious leader, but he was worse off than before.
Roger: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but me and the lady have to fly.
Ape Scientist: If only there was a way to get into his mind and fix everything that troubles him.
Ape Scientist: Of course - there IS a way, but who would be brave enough to embark on such a quest?
Roger: Ques... Beatrice? Let's go.
Beatrice: Wait, Roger. What do you mean there's a way?
Ape Scientist: The monkey mind-meld. It is an ancient technique amongst primates that allows one to safely enter another's mind.
Ape Scientist: Of course, it only works if the two people are close enough, like best friends or... arch-enemies.
Roger: I don't like where this is going.
Beatrice: So you mean, Vohaul could become good again. His reign of terror would be over.
Ape Scientist: That is exactly what I say. But once again, who would do it?
Beatrice: Roger, why don't you do it? He said it was safe.
Roger: I don't know, Beatrice. I mean, he's not hurting anybody like this either.
Ape Scientist: Ah, but surely you cannot leave such a good man to such a dark fate?
Roger: Well...
[PENG86] Penguin: ...even in a cold place, people can have warm hearts deep inside...
Roger: Crap! Why did that come back to haunt me?
Beatrice: So what'll it be, Roger?

Global Script

Roger: Here, you look like you could use this.
[PENG20] Penguin: Give it! Give it! Give it!
[PENG21] Penguin: Mine! Mine!
[PENG22] Penguin: Yes...
[PENG23] Penguin: YES.
[PENG24] Penguin: That will do NICELY.
[PENG25] Penguin: Tell me, human - why do you show such kindness to a miserable creature like myself?
Roger: So I can get past you.
[PENG26] Penguin: Hmm? What?
Roger: I mean, because it's in my nature to help people out.
Roger: You're obviously not a bad guy - just a misunderstood mutant penguin wallowing in sewage.
[PENG27] Penguin: Hmmm, it seems I misjudged you, human.
Comment: This line will be later replayed in a "Use the force, Luke" kind of way near the end of the game
[PENG28] Penguin: I suppose even in a cold place, people can have warm hearts deep inside.
[PENG29] Penguin: But pray tell, if you are not with the apes... then who are you with?
Roger: I'm going to put an end to Vohaul's operation.
[PENG30] Penguin: In that case, we will not stand in your way! Penguins!
[PENG31] Penguin: You'll find the exit beyond that tunnel.
[PENG32] Penguin: Should you require any further assistance, my brothers are at your service.
[PENG33] Penguin: Providing they like you.
[PENG34] Penguin: Now begone from my sight. I wish to lurk in darkness!

Roger: Uh... how about a bucket? You could wear it like a fez. You'd look pretty good, and the girls would dig it!
[PENG14] Penguin: Buckets aren't in fashion this season. (Duplicate)
Roger: Your loss.

Roger: Hungry?
[PENG35] Penguin: No, thanks. I'm watching my weight. Summer's coming, you know!

Roger: Do you have any use for this highly-reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass?
[PENG36] Penguin: Do I LOOK like someone who wants a mirror?
Roger: Good point.

Roger: Have you ever considered joining the Hair Club for Penguins?
[PENG37] Penguin: Are you implying I wear this hat to cover my male pattern baldness?
[PENG38] Penguin: Because I'm not! And anyone who says otherwise is a filthy liar!
Roger: No, no - of course not. But I'm just saying if you are...
[PENG39] Penguin: I'm NOT and you will DROP the subject!