Script for Mayor Nurb

Description: Nurb is the mayor of the Furkunz settlement. He despises all "simians." A feeling which extends to Roger.
None of the other Furkunz take him very seriously, though. Nurb speaks in a very dignified manner.

Dialog: dNurb

Roger: What's up?
Gofty: We were just discussing the third kickoff from our last caveball game.
[NURB1] Mayor Nurb: Simians always interrupt when we discuss the third kickoff from our last caveball game.
Odster: No they don't. Now you're just being silly.
[NURB2] Mayor Nurb: Maybe I am, maybe I'm not...
[NURB3] Mayor Nurb: Wait, what were we talking about?
Gofty: Caveball.
[NURB4] Mayor Nurb: Ah, yes. I like caveball.
Gofty: We all do.
Odster: Especially the third kickoff.
[NURB5] Mayor Nurb: Yes. Much better than the fourth.
Gofty: Definitely.
Roger: ...I like pie.
[NURB6] Mayor Nurb: Step off, monkeyboy.

Roger: Why do you hate simians so much?
Roger: I can't see what's wrong with all of us...
[NURB7] Mayor Nurb: Of course you can't!
[NURB8] Mayor Nurb: You occupy the lowest level of evolution, and deservedly so!
Odster: He's got a point there.
Roger: Why?
Roger: Because I'm different?
Roger: Because I like to swing on a tireswing from time to time and indulge in the occasional banana?
[NURB9] Mayor Nurb: Because you are a simian.
[NURB10] Mayor Nurb: This planet was once a paradise, but your breed made a desert of it, ages ago.
Gofty: I'm telling you, there's no convincing old Nurb.

Roger: So what's with the sudden popularity of caveball? Didn't you guys live up on the surface?
Odster: You obviously have no idea of how addictive it is.
Odster: Spreads like fire.
Gofty: Indeed.
Gofty: Nobody stops after they've had their very first third kickoff.
[NURB11] Mayor Nurb: I still remember mine as if it had happened last week.
Gofty: It was last week, actually.
[NURB12] Mayor Nurb: Yes, yes, that's what I said. Or... did I?

Roger: Any idea who may have stolen the plans?
[NURB13] Mayor Nurb: I bet it was you, simian.
Gofty: But the plans were lost long before he got here!
[NURB14] Mayor Nurb: Exactly! It's the perfect crime. Nobody would suspect him.
[NURB15] Mayor Nurb: But you can't fool me THAT easily!
[NURB16] Mayor Nurb: Drop your trousers, simian!
Gofty: Do we have to go over this again?
[NURB17] Mayor Nurb: Sigh...
[NURB18] Mayor Nurb: Fine, keep your trousers on, simian.
[NURB19] Mayor Nurb: But if you cause any trouble, your pants are mine!
Odster: Right...
Odster: Anyway, I don't know for sure, but I suspect it's Merf.

Roger: What's with the cane? Got a bum leg or something?
[NURB20] Mayor Nurb: If I had a bum leg, I wouldn't be able to play caveball, now would I?
Roger: So... what's it for then?
[NURB21] Mayor Nurb: It's for whacking over the noggin of anyone who keeps bothering me with annoying questions.
[NURB22] Mayor Nurb: Would you care for an example?
Roger: No, that's all right.
Roger: I don't want anyone to get hurt because of me.

Roger: Pardon me, would you have any grey poupon?
Odster: Ok, seriously, what's the big deal with the grey poupon?
Gofty: Yeah, those two weirdos won't stop asking that.
Odster: Hmm... It's not a classic anecdote, is it?
Roger: Not a classic, no...
[NURB23] Mayor Nurb: Stupid simian, can't even tell a joke properly...

Roger: Hey, I found the plans!
Roger: Merf's hut.
Gofty: Awesome! I knew he had the plans!
Odster: Hey, you think you can break in again and steal us a stereo?

Roger: I'm off. See you guys later.
Gofty: Bye
Odster: Bye
[NURB25] Mayor Nurb: Good riddance.

Dialog: dMerfTalk

Roger: Merf?
Gofty: Yeah, he's the guy who lives in the hut.
Gofty: Rich and arrogant, thinks he's better than the rest of us.
Odster: And he always cheats at caveball.
[NURB26] Mayor Nurb: Yes, he does.
[NURB27] Mayor Nurb: Like a simian.
[NURB28] Mayor Nurb: A simian with no pants.
[NURB29] Mayor Nurb: Why can't anyone else see this adding up?!
Odster: Don't mind him, Roger. He's been like this ever since he missed two third kickoffs in a row.

Roger: Why do you suspect it's him?
Gofty: He's never done any hard work which might have earned him his fortune, but he keeps getting richer and richer.
Gofty: Which would make sense if he was working for the apemen as a spy.
[NURB30] Mayor Nurb: Almost too much sense.
[NURB31] Mayor Nurb: FAR too much sense if you ask me!

Roger: If you suspect it's him, why don't you stop him?
Odster: We don't have any evidence.
Odster: He keeps his house locked all the time and won't let anybody in.
Gofty: We tried asking the Thieves' Guild for help, but they keep denying the organisation's existence.
[NURB32] Mayor Nurb: Although everyone knows it's there.
Odster: Yeah... It's supposed to be a secret, but they keep asking everyone to join.

Roger: Tell me more about Merf.
[NURB33] Mayor Nurb: He a snobby, greedy little brat - what more is there to tell?
Gofty: He's been keeping to himself lately, playing with all his fancy new toys.
Odster: Also, he's haunted by the ghost of his former business partner!
Gofty: No, that was us in the bushes last night rattling chains and screaming at his hut.
Odster: Ha ha! He was crying all night!
[NURB34] Mayor Nurb: You two are terrible.
Gofty: Hey, you were there too, 'Mr. Ghost of Furkmas Future.'
Roger: He's afraid of ghosts?
Odster: Oh, sure. Just run at him screaming and waving some glow-sticks under a pillow case, and he'll be wetting his pants in no time.

Roger: Ok, I'll see what I can do.
[NURB35] Mayor Nurb: Ooh, the brave simian hero is going to save us. I am so excited.
Odster: Shut up, Nurb.

304 - Caves - Furkunz Entrance

Gofty: Hey, wake up! Please, Mister Wilco...
Odster: We must get him up, he may be our last hope!
Gofty: I'm trying, but he isn't responding!
Comment: Reference to Borat's "Throw the Jew Down the Well"
[NURB40] Mayor Nurb: Throw the ape down the well!
Odster: Huh?
[NURB41] Mayor Nurb: So our caves can be free!
Gofty: He's not an apeman.
Gofty: And we don't even have a well!
[NURB42] Mayor Nurb: Yes, but...
Odster: Hey, guys! I think he's...
Odster: Yes! He's waking up!

609 - Moon - Hallway

Finkle: Well, I guess that's all of them.
Roger: Who'd have thought a small army of furry critters could take down an evil empire in less than an hour?
[NURB43] Mayor Nurb: Well, Roger, my boy, I guess I was mistaken about you.
Roger: Yes. Yes, you were.
[NURB44] Mayor Nurb: The Furkunz people, along with the entire galaxy, owe you their thanks.
[NURB45] Mayor Nurb: You and your wife have earned our eternal gratitude.
Beatrice: Oh, no. We're not married... yet.
[NURB46] Mayor Nurb: Really? Why not?
Beatrice: You'll have to ask Roger.
[NURB47] Mayor Nurb: I see. Well, Roger, what are you waiting for?
Roger: Oh, yeah... that.
Roger: See, the thing is...
Beatrice: Yes?
Roger: Uhhh...
Roger: Hey, did you guys get around to catching Vohaul?
Finkle: Hmm, come to think of it... where is that slimey scumbag?
Roger: Well, Beatrice, looks like we've got one more loose end to tie up.
Beatrice: Great. Just wonderful.

Finkle: Oops - guess he forgot to take off his headband.
Roger: You want me to turn it off?
Finkle: Nah, he's fine.

Roger: Boy are you guys stupid. Not only did you let yourselves get captured by a horde of two foot teddy bears, but you have no idea how many times I snuck past you dressed up in a cardboard box.
Roger: Seriously, you thought I was a robot and everything. Oh, and that pie I gave you? I put that between my buttcheeks. That's right, you ate buttcheek pie.
Roger: Who's the monkey now, huh?
Finkle: They can't hear you. We pumped them full of morphine to stop them from squirming.
Roger: Oh. But they did get that bit about buttcheek pie, right?
[NURB49] Mayor Nurb: I did.
Roger: We're not going out for lunch together anytime soon, are we?
Narrator: This is definitely one of the more awkward click events.

Finkle: Hey, don't cut them free!
[NURB50] Mayor Nurb: Or was he going to stab them?
Beatrice: Don't ask me. I can't tell what's going through Roger's head when he starts waving things around.

611 - Moon - Base Map

Random Apeman: Hey! What's going on here?
Random Apeman: Look out! He's got a shovel!
Finkle: FOR FREEDOM!!!
Random Apeman: Holy crap! They're everywhere!
[NURB51] Mayor Nurb: Die, simian!
Gofty: Stop, mayor, it's Roger!
Roger: OW!
[NURB52] Mayor Nurb: Oh, sorry.
Odster: Go for the legs!
Random Apeman: We need back-up! Repeat! We need back-up!
Random Apeman: They're coming outta the walls. They're coming outta the freakin' walls!
Random Apeman: It's game over, man! Game over!
Random Apeman: Oh no, they summoned pterodactyls somehow!
Furkunz Priest: Praise the Bottle!
Finkle: Look out, there's a giant squid with machine guns!
Gofty: This is almost better than a third kick-off!
Finkle: Come on, let's keep moving! We got 'em on the run!

Global Script

Roger: You holding up, Mr. Mayor? You look pretty drained.
[NURB36] Mayor Nurb: Of course I look drained. I just spent the last several hours lifting heavy machinery.
Roger: You're going to feel that in the morning!
[NURB37] Mayor Nurb: I feel it now!
Roger: Oh. Well, it'll feel worse in the morning. Trust me.

Roger: So do you Furkunz have Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass down here?
Gofty: Of course we do!
[NURB38] Mayor Nurb: Silly human! How else do you expect us to play Caveball without it?
Odster: The ignorance of some people!

Roger: Hey, mayor - ever have one of those days where you can't find a use for a piece of glass?
[NURB39] Mayor Nurb: Don't be stupid. You can do everything with glass.
Roger: Except get rid of it.

Roger: Check out what I found...
[NURB24] Mayor Nurb: WE FOUND THE THIEF! IT'S THE SIMIAN! (Duplicate)
Roger: Merf's hut.
Gofty: Awesome! I knew he had the plans!
Odster: Hey, you think you can break in again and steal us a stereo?