Script for Never Kenezer

Description: Vohaul's right-hand man whose evil and sadistic tendencies often exceed even those of his master's.
In a sense, he's the true villain of this game.
Unlike Vohaul, he rarely loses his temper, but is a calculating and callous genius.
He sees Vohaul's obsession with revenge as a hindrance.
Has his own ulterior motives and plans to kill Vohaul.
Oh, and he also has a phobia of hair.

203 - Radon Surface - Mallard Crash Site

Beatrice: Roger, go and find us a way off this rock. I'll stay here.
Roger: Bea, we both know that splitting up in a dangerous situation always leads to big trouble!
Beatrice: Are you saying that I'm incapable of taking care of myself?
Roger: No... I was more worried about myself, actually...
Beatrice: Don't feed me that.
Beatrice: You've had six big exciting adventures, and three or so others that are slightly less known, but still dynamic and amazing.
Roger: Yes, but think of all the times I could have nearly died!
Beatrice: Just explore the area, will you?
Roger: Yes, dear.
Beatrice: I suppose I'd better just make the most of this.
Narrator: A few minutes later...
[NEV1] Never Kenezer: Remarkable. Not a scratch.
Beatrice: Who are you?
[NEV2] Never Kenezer: The name's Never Kenezer. I'm here on behalf of--
Beatrice: Vohaul.
[NEV3] Never Kenezer: Oh. Indeed. How did you know?
Beatrice: You brought apemen with you. That narrows down the options somewhat.
[NEV4] Never Kenezer: I see. You must be... Beatrice Wankmeister?
Beatrice: Expecting somebody else?
[NEV5] Never Kenezer: Well, quite frankly I was expecting a crash site with no survivors.
[NEV6] Never Kenezer: But I guess this means we'll have to fall back to Plan B.
Beatrice: Now, you listen to me, you worthless--
[NEV7] Never Kenezer: Easy there.
[NEV8] Never Kenezer: All right, now that we've calmed down a little...
Beatrice: A stun ray? You don't even have the guts to kill me?
[NEV9] Never Kenezer: Oh, believe me, I'd love to.
[NEV10] Never Kenezer: But I'm afraid Dr. Vohaul has given me strict orders to capture any survivors alive.
Comment: tone should be that of "Sigh, typical evil madman"
Beatrice: ...of course he has.
[NEV11] Never Kenezer: Hmm, we seem to be missing a certain Mr. Wilco here. But no worries.
[NEV12] Never Kenezer: That janitor sticks out like an Orat in a cheese shop.
[NEV13] Never Kenezer: We'll find him.
Comment: Indiana Jones reference
Beatrice: The hell you will.
Beatrice: He's got a two minute head start on you, which is more than he needs.
Beatrice: Roger can clean his tracks on any surface from here to Vohaul's fortress.
Beatrice: He'll blend in, disappear, you'll never see him again.
Beatrice: With any luck, he's defeated Vohaul already.

[NEV14] Never Kenezer: We'll see about that. Time to go.
Roger: Hey, Bea, I forgot to take my-- Uh, Bea?
Roger: Beatrice?
Narrator: You pick up the piece of paper and read it:
[NARR686] Never Kenezer: "Hello, Mr. Wilco.

Let's get straight to the point.
I have been tasked by Dr. Vohaul to bring you into custody.
Unfortunately, your absence during our sweep of the crash site has made said task more complicated than it should be.

So here's the deal:

We have Beatrice.

If you ever want to see her alive again, you'll walk right up to the fortress on the horizon and surrender.

Looking forward to a productive cooperation,
Dr. Never Kenezer"
Roger: Beatrice! No!
Narrator: Well, ain't that a bummer. You're stuck on a nearly-deserted ice planet, your ship is broken, Vohaul seems to be taking over the universe, he's got your girlfriend and as if that wasn't enough, you've now got snow in your boots.
Roger: Somehow, I can't help but feel that all of this could've been avoided if I just stayed on Romaticon-7 and didn't bring my pregnant girlfriend to an ice planet swarming with Vohaul's minions.
Roger: Oh, well - no time to point fingers. Wilco to the rescue!

512 - Fortress - Console

[NEV15] Never Kenezer: Hey, you two!
Ted: Crap! They found out!
[NEV16] Never Kenezer: Relax. Vohaul doesn't know you botched the defense shutdown.
[NEV17] Never Kenezer: I managed to convince him it was just a malfunction.
[NEV18] Never Kenezer: But if you want to keep it that way, you'll do exactly as I say.
Norm: Uhhh... okay.
[NEV19] Never Kenezer: The boss is so obsessed with his revenge on Wilco that he can't think straight.
[NEV20] Never Kenezer: He's about to order everyone to stand down and let that janitor go wherever he pleases.
Ted: That's... unusual.
[NEV21] Never Kenezer: It's an unnecessary security risk, that's what it is.
[NEV22] Never Kenezer: So what you're gonna do is intercept the command and change it, without Vohaul finding out. Can you do that?
Norm: I... think we can. What should it say?
[NEV23] Never Kenezer: "Shoot Wilco on sight."
Norm: *gulp*
Norm: ...okay. We'll do it.
[NEV24] Never Kenezer: Good, good. I'll leave you to it, then.

622 - Moon - Mines - Drill

General Forksmith: ...and when I woke up, he'd taken my keys and flown off in my ship!
General Forksmith: I had to hitch a ride on the next shuttle!
[NEV25] Never Kenezer: And you were certain this was Wilco?
General Forksmith: It must have been! Right now he's flying around in my ship, probably preparing to wage a one-man siege on our base!
General Forksmith: We need to stop him before that hairless monkey kills us all!
Vohaul: Gentlemen! Wilco is no more!
General Forksmith: Wow, that was quick.
Beatrice: Roger?!
[NEV26] Never Kenezer: Ah, excellent! I take it his death was swift and immediate then?
Vohaul: No! He has been imprisoned!
[NEV27] Never Kenezer: another dimension, right?
Vohaul: No! In a jail cell! Mwahaha!
General Forksmith: Well done, boss! Well done!
[NEV28] Never Kenezer: ...Rrriight.
Vohaul: And how are things going with the detonite drill? Did we reach the moon's core yet? Can we plant the charges?
[NEV29] Never Kenezer: Not yet, my Lord. We hit a bit of a snag when our reactor blew a fuse trying breach the core's mantle.
[NEV30] Never Kenezer: Fortunately, we managed to mine enough detonite from the surface to refine a single detonite crystal.
Vohaul: Watch it with that! You'll blow us all up!
[NEV31] Never Kenezer: Not to fear, Lord Vohaul. Detonite is only dangerous in its raw form.
[NEV32] Never Kenezer: When refined, it functions as a stable source of energy.
[NEV33] Never Kenezer: A single crystal will provide enough power to finish our operation.
[NEV34] Never Kenezer: We'll need to make some modifications to the drill, though.
[NEV35] Never Kenezer: And as short-handed as we are up here, this could take a while.
Vohaul: This is unacceptable!
General Forksmith: Hey, I heard we just captured a bunch of those Furkunz near the boot camp.
General Forksmith: They don't seem too eager to cooperate, though.
[NEV36] Never Kenezer: Hmm, they would make the perfect lab rats for my mind control experiment.
[NEV37] Never Kenezer: Send them up and I'll have them slaving away at the mines in no time.
Vohaul: Now that's more like it!
Vohaul: And then I shall finally have my MOON BOMB!
[NEV38] Never Kenezer: Indeed. Though may I remind you once again that if we were to blackmail the galaxy instead of destroying it--
Vohaul: MOON BOMB!
[NEV39] Never Kenezer: But there will be nothing to gain if we--
Vohaul: MOON BOMB!
General Forksmith: Yeah, MOON BOMB!
[NEV40] Never Kenezer: *sigh* Yes, my master. You will have your moon bomb.
[NEV41] Never Kenezer: General Forksmith, do not lose your key. We'll each have one so no one can get into this compartment.
General Forksmith: I won't let it out of my sight!
Vohaul: Yes, soon the entire galaxy will be at our mercy! Nothing can stop us now!
Beatrice: All right, I've had enough of this.
[NEV42] Never Kenezer: Gah! Curses! Forksmith! Stop her!
General Forksmith: Heh, heh, heh. Moon bomb.
[NEV43] Never Kenezer: FORKSMITH!
General Forksmith: Oh, right, right.

Narrator: Well done, Roger! Without this, Vohaul can't possibly build his moon bomb now!
[NEV44] Never Kenezer: Don't even move!
[NEV45] Never Kenezer: Mr. Wilco, I presume? I'll be gladly taking back that crystal now, if you will.
Roger: Ah, you must be Never Kenezer, Vohaul's new goon. I imagined you'd be... shorter.
[NEV46] Never Kenezer: Goon, nothing! I am a more brilliant scientist than that metallic monstrosity could ever hope to be!
Roger: Then why are you working for him?
[NEV47] Never Kenezer: Vohaul's merely a puppet I'm using in my genius plan. That idiot wants to turn this gold mine of detonite into a ridiculous moon bomb.
[NEV48] Never Kenezer: But once we breach the core, I will seize the motherlode for myself and use it to fuel my invincible army of machines.
[NEV49] Never Kenezer: Then we shall kill Vohaul and lay siege to any system that stands in our path of conquest!
Roger: Is this where you sic your so-called robots on me?
[NEV50] Never Kenezer: Well, no. Haven't built any yet.
Roger: Then you are no threat to me. Good day, sir.
[NEV51] Never Kenezer: I am, however, fully capable of killing you myself. I am not a moron!

[NEV52] Never Kenezer: Curses!
Roger: Stand back! I'm not afraid to use this!
[NEV53] Never Kenezer: And I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty!

623 - Moon - Mines - Cliff

[NEV54] Never Kenezer: I'm not sure what Vohaul was going on about. Killing you will be exceedingly simple.
Roger: Beatrice!
Roger: Are you okay? Do you... need any help?
Beatrice: A little bit would be nice!
Roger: All right... I'll see what I can do!

Narrator: You try to slosh some serum on Never's face, but in the heat of battle, it only ends up on his clothes.
[NEV55] Never Kenezer: My new jacket! You've ruined it!!!

Beatrice: Roger, what on earth are you do...
[NEV56] Never Kenezer: DDAAAAHHH!!!
[NEV57] Never Kenezer: My hands... WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?
[NEV58] Never Kenezer: My face! My beautiful face! It's all... HAIRY!!!
[NEV59] Never Kenezer: NOOOOO!!!!!
Roger: Looks like I made a monkey out of him!
Beatrice: *sigh*
Beatrice: And Roger...
Roger: Beatrice...
Beatrice: And Roger! I thought I told you to stay put! I had everything perfectly under control until I saw YOU in TROUBLE!
Roger: Well, geez, sorry for helping. Did you ever get that transmission sent to StarCon?
Beatrice: No. Some idiot placed a walkie-talkie up on top of the communication tower. Messed up all of my transmissions.
Roger: That's a... shame.
Roger: The important thing is, though, we're together again. You're safe, I'm safe, Junior's safe, and the galaxy is safe. Another adventure comes to a close.
Beatrice: What are you talking about? We're trapped on this moon, surrounded by apes, and Vohaul's still at large!
Roger: Oh, yeah. I guess we still have to do... sssstuff.
Beatrice: Well, I'm going to take a bit of a breather. If you insist on helping, take a look around and see what you can do for these furry fellows. They might be able to help us.
Roger: Yes, ma'am!

807 - Paragon Outro - Sideshow

Bartender: Ladies and gentlemen, step right up and see the horrible Abominable Snowman!
Roger: Oooooooh!
[NEV60] Never Kenezer: You know, the hair isn't so bad when you get used to it.
Bartender: Snowmen DON'T TALK.