Script for Dr. Nelzo

Description: The doctor at Vohaul's boot camp.
Unfortunately, Nelzo's appearance tends to scare most people off. However, he is actually a nice guy, and he does not really like working for Vohaul.
Surprisingly, he should sound somewhat like Stan from the Monkey Island-games. The voice should match the jolly background music at the medical tent.

Dialog: dNelzo

Roger: I'm Ridgenald Borstein, health inspector.
[NELZ1] Dr. Nelzo: Inspecting the base, eh? I'm Doctor Nelzo, but you can call me Nelzo.
Roger: Okay, ...Nelzo. You're not from around here, are you?
[NELZ2] Dr. Nelzo: You can say that again. In fact, I'm not even from this universe.
Roger: Not from this universe? What do you mean?
[NELZ3] Dr. Nelzo: You see, I'm a pan-dimensional meta-phasic hologram, projected here via a trans-mutagenic anomaly in a conjoined black hole.
[NELZ4] Dr. Nelzo: What your consciousness perceives right now is merely a simplified approximation of my true essence.
[NELZ5] Dr. Nelzo: In its full form, it would instantly burst your primitive three-dimensional brain.
Roger: Whoa, really?
[NELZ6] Dr. Nelzo: No! Heheheh, almost had ya there.
Roger: Had me where?
[NELZ7] Dr. Nelzo: Never mind.
[NELZ8] Dr. Nelzo: Anyway, my home planet is actually only about twenty lightyears down the block, and to the right.
[NELZ9] Dr. Nelzo: You can almost see my house from here on a clear night.
Roger: Really?
[NELZ10] Dr. Nelzo: No!
Roger: Bah.

Roger: Say, what would it take to get you to leave this tent for, say, fifteen minutes?
[NELZ11] Dr. Nelzo: What for?
Roger: Let's just say there's an apeman who is somewhat afraid of you and--
[NELZ12] Dr. Nelzo: Rodney? Let me guess... he convinced you to give him a medical check-up?
Roger: Yeah! How'd you know?
[NELZ13] Dr. Nelzo: You're not the first. But I'm afraid I can't help you there.
Roger: Why not?
[NELZ14] Dr. Nelzo: I can't stay outside for very long. My species is very sensitive to cold.
Roger: Hmm... don't you have a coat or anything?
[NELZ15] Dr. Nelzo: Had one, but then some of the apes borrowed it for a game of caveball and I haven't seen it since.
Roger: Why would they need a coat for a ball game?
[NELZ16] Dr. Nelzo: Obviously you've never seen a game of caveball.
Roger: Right. So, I don't suppose you have anywhere else to go?
[NELZ17] Dr. Nelzo: Nope. Nowhere on this planet, at least.
Roger: But...?
[NELZ18] Dr. Nelzo: Well, this isn't exactly my favorite workplace, as you might imagine.
[NELZ19] Dr. Nelzo: The job description wasn't exactly accurate.
[NELZ20] Dr. Nelzo: So if there was a way I could leave this planet, I could start over elsewhere.
Roger: Then why don't you just go?
[NELZ21] Dr. Nelzo: I can't! You think Vohaul and the apes would just let me walk out after all the trouble they went through to lure me here?
[NELZ22] Dr. Nelzo: I'd need a special permit signed by the Colonel just to step outside the gates.
[NELZ23] Dr. Nelzo: And even if I somehow did get the permit, I'd need a spaceship as well.
[NELZ24] Dr. Nelzo: So I'm pretty much stuck here for all eternity.
Roger: But... what if I were to somehow get you a spaceship and such a permit?
[NELZ25] Dr. Nelzo: Heh, both a spaceship and a permit? You gotta be kidding me!
[NELZ26] Dr. Nelzo: But yeah, sure, you get me those two, I'll leave the tent, and you can have all my equipment, too!
Roger: Sounds like a deal.

Roger: What were you trying to sell me before?
[NELZ27] Dr. Nelzo: Oh, just some special miracle growth formula. Of course, a manly man like you doesn't need it - am I right?
Roger: Get to the point - how much?
[NELZ28] Dr. Nelzo: 500 buckazoids with discount.
Roger: I don't have that much!
[NELZ29] Dr. Nelzo: Look, it's all I can do to make money on the side up here. The apes go crazy for this stuff!
Roger: Can I have a free sample?
[NELZ30] Dr. Nelzo: Ha ha ha!

Roger: Where can I get a permit?
[NELZ31] Dr. Nelzo: I think there's a lawyer around the camp somewhere, goes by the name of Ned.
[NELZ32] Dr. Nelzo: He's the one who handles all the paperwork.
[NELZ33] Dr. Nelzo: Of course, you'll need the Colonel to sign it before I can actually leave.

Roger: Do you know where I can find a spaceship?
[NELZ34] Dr. Nelzo: The only one I've seen land around here is the general's.
[NELZ35] Dr. Nelzo: It's parked just outside the south gate.

409 - Boot Camp - Dr. Nelzo's Tent

[NELZ36] Dr. Nelzo: Ah-ha! A new face! May I interest you in any of my special offers?
[NELZ37] Dr. Nelzo: Special herbal medicine, just for you!
[NELZ38] Dr. Nelzo: Gain up to three hundred inches in a matter of minutes!
Roger: WHAAAAH!!
[NELZ39] Dr. Nelzo: Amazing offers, I know!
Roger: No, it's your... uh, face?
Roger: I can see your... is that your brain?
[NELZ40] Dr. Nelzo: ...oh. Yes. That is my brain.
Roger: Holy smokes! That's the creepiest thing I've ever seen!
Roger: Well, apart from that one time I was actually inside someone's brain...
Roger: But that's a whole different story altogether.
[NELZ41] Dr. Nelzo: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let me guess... you're not here to buy my special medicine?
Roger: Not really.
[NELZ42] Dr. Nelzo: Hmpf, they never are. So much for those innovative online advertising campaigns.
Roger: So, anyhoo...

Roger: Of course, there's still the problem of the two ape guards at the ship.
[NELZ43] Dr. Nelzo: Hmm... you know what, don't worry about them, I've already got an idea.
[NELZ44] Dr. Nelzo: But thanks for everything! Here, help yourself to a free sample!
Roger: What is this?
[NELZ45] Dr. Nelzo: It's that miracle growth serum I told you about! 300 inches in three seconds!
[NELZ46] Dr. Nelzo: A ladies' man like you could make some real work of it if you know what I'm saying.
Roger: I... don't know what you're saying.
[NELZ47] Dr. Nelzo: Ha ha, you will! Well, gotta fly! See ya later, friend!

Roger: Here you go - your ticket out of here!
[NELZ48] Dr. Nelzo: What? You got me the permit?
Roger: I sure did!
[NELZ49] Dr. Nelzo: Wow. How did you get the Colonel to sign it?
Roger: Uhh...
[NELZ50] Dr. Nelzo: You forgot to get it signed?
Roger: ...Yes. Yes I did.
[NELZ51] Dr. Nelzo: Well... then it's no use to me.

Roger: Here you go - your ticket out of here!
[NELZ48] Dr. Nelzo: What? You got me the permit? (Duplicate)
Roger: I sure did!
[NELZ49] Dr. Nelzo: Wow. How did you get the Colonel to sign it? (Duplicate)
Roger: Ohh, you know... one part bravery, two parts brilliance - the classic recipe of success!
[NELZ52] Dr. Nelzo: Heh, thanks!

[NELZ53] Dr. Nelzo: So... that was pretty impressive, but I'm still not getting out of here without a ship.
[NELZ54] Dr. Nelzo: And don't try to tell me you're going to arrange that too.
Roger: You know, I just might. Doing impossible things like that is pretty much my day job.
[NELZ55] Dr. Nelzo: ...being a health inspector?
Roger: Uhh... yes!

[NELZ56] Dr. Nelzo: What's this?
Roger: Looks like the keys to a ship.
[NELZ57] Dr. Nelzo: What ship?
Roger: Haven't you heard about a certain general visiting the camp?
[NELZ58] Dr. Nelzo: Sure, but... Are you telling me that these are the keys to Forksmith's ship?
Roger: That would be it, yes.
[NELZ59] Dr. Nelzo: I can't just TAKE the general's ship!
Roger: Come on, he'll never know!
[NELZ60] Dr. Nelzo: But I'll get in so much trouble!
Roger: Look, the general's got lots of ships. Plus, he probably underpays you.
Roger: Not to mention the bad contract, the cold weather, the smelly apes - you see where I'm going with this?
[NELZ61] Dr. Nelzo: I don't know...
Roger: And I bet not once has anyone here ever bought any of your special medicine.
[NELZ62] Dr. Nelzo: Hey, you're right! I'd just be balancing out the universe!
Roger: Exactly!
[NELZ63] Dr. Nelzo: Thanks, Mr. Borstein!

[NELZ64] Dr. Nelzo: Anyhoo, I still can't go.
Roger: Oh, yeah... the permit?
[NELZ65] Dr. Nelzo: Yes, the permit.
Roger: Well, I'll figure something out.
[NELZ66] Dr. Nelzo: How can you be so sure?
Roger: I always do. It just somehow happens.
[NELZ67] Dr. Nelzo: Good luck then!

Roger: I don't suppose you want this highly-reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass?
[NELZ68] Dr. Nelzo: Not really. Do you want MY highly-reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass?
Roger: Not really.
[NELZ69] Dr. Nelzo: Man, I'll never get rid of this thing!

[NELZ70] Dr. Nelzo: Hey, you can't take that mask!

Roger: But you have no mouth to wear it on.
[NELZ71] Dr. Nelzo: Ohh, I see where this is going. You inspectors are even slimier than I thought. Well, I'm not falling for it!
Roger: Falling for what?
[NELZ72] Dr. Nelzo: Don't play stupid with me. I do happen to know the regulations say I must have a surgical mask in my possession, regardless of whether I actually have a mouth or not.
Roger: What? That's just silly!
[NELZ73] Dr. Nelzo: Hey, you guys make the rules, not me.
Roger: Can I have the mask if I promise I won't report it?
[NELZ74] Dr. Nelzo: You're not fooling me that easy!