Script for Ned
Description: The constantly nervous and sweating Ned is the lawyer at Vohaul's boot camp.
He's helping some apes hide a terrible secret in a big closet in the boot camp.
Based on Ted from "Scrubs".
Roger: What's in that big closet?
[NED1] Ned: Oh... umm... I wouldn't know...
[NED2] Ned: ...Probably something boring... heheh...
Roger: Well, why don't we just have a look?
[NED3] Ned: NO!!
[NED4] Ned: There's... uh, there's nothing to see there... heh...
Roger: I'm still going to need to inspect its contents, though.
[NED5] Ned: Oh, well... I...
[NED6] Ned: ...I ...don't have...
[NED7] Ned: The keys!
[NED8] Ned: So there! Heheh...
Roger: Hmm... but who does?
[NED9] Ned: Oh, I... uh...
[NED10] Ned: I don't know! Heh...
Roger: And I suppose you also don't know anybody who might know?
[NED11] Ned: Well... Bingo!
[NED12] Ned: Heheheh...
Roger: Hmm, you seem rather nervous.
[NED13] Ned: Me? Oh, heheheh...
[NED14] Ned: Well... yes.
Roger: You're not hiding something terribly incriminating in that big closet there, are you?
[NED15] Ned: Oh... *gulp*
[NED16] Ned: Heheh...
[NED17] Ned: ...what? No, definitely not!
[NED18] Ned: I mean... why should I? Heheheh...
Roger: Why do you start every sentence with "Oh"?
[NED19] Ned: Oh, I'm...
[NED20] Ned: ...oh...
[NED21] Ned: Heheh, that's a... just a habit, I suppose.
[NED22] Ned: Heh...
Roger: Well, stop it. I'm starting to get Cheerios on the brain.
[NED23] Ned: Oh.
Roger: Can I get a permit for leaving the camp?
[NED24] Ned: Oh, geez - I don't know. I'm not supposed to hand these things out to anyone.
Roger: Come on, be a pal!
[NED25] Ned: Sorry - I'm in enough trouble as it is.
Roger: Say, about that favor...
[NED26] Ned: Yes?
Roger: Would you happen to be able to get me a permit for leaving the camp?
[NED27] Ned: But you don't need one, you can walk right out.
Roger: It's not for me, it's for doctor Nelzo.
[NED28] Ned: Hmm... well, sure, I can get you a blank permit, but it won't be worth anything without the Colonel's signature...
[NED29] Ned: ...and there's no way he's going to let the doctor go, especially now that he's got the...
[NED30] Ned: ...the condition.
Roger: What condition?
[NED31] Ned: No one knows.
[NED32] Ned: All I know is it makes him even crankier than usual.
Roger: Oh, boy.
Roger: Still though, I'd take one of those blanks.
[NED33] Ned: Sure.
Roger: Hmm, you keep all your papers in your pockets?
[NED34] Ned: Yeah.
Roger: Aren't there like, hundreds of those?
[NED35] Ned: You have no idea how much stuff I can fit in there.
Roger: Actually... I think I do.
[NED36] Ned: Oh... uh... talk to you later! hehehe...
402 - Boot Camp - Entrance
Entrance Guard: Uhh... I see...
Entrance Guard: Could you wait a moment, please?
Entrance Guard: NED! Get over here!
[NED45] Ned: INSPECTOR ALERT! INSPECTOR ALERT! EVERYONE, CLEAN UP!!
Roger: ...did you just tell him to get the camp cleaned up before the inspection?
Entrance Guard: No.
Roger: But I could swear he--
Entrance Guard: Would you care for a cup of tea?
Roger: What, tea? No, I'd just like to--
Entrance Guard: Are you sure you won't have just ONE cup?
Roger: ...did that tea just eat right through the spoon?
Entrance Guard: What spoon? There is no spoon.
Roger: Yes, there was. The tea just melted it.
Entrance Guard: Are you sure?
Entrance Guard: Perhaps it is YOU who is melted.
Entrance Guard: Exactly.
Roger: Anyway, getting back to the point...
405 - Boot Camp - Closet
[NED46] Ned: Wait! What are you doing?
Roger: Sorry, Ned. Regulations. Gotta inspect this entire base.
[NED47] Ned: But you can't!
[NED48] Ned: No!!!
Roger: Oh, my... god.
[NED49] Ned: Gulp.
Roger: Ned, are these yours?
[NED50] Ned: It's not mine! I swear! I'm holding it for the apes! They swore me to secrecy!
[NED51] Ned: Everything would be fine, they said! We're in this together, they said!
[NED52] Ned: Oh, if Vohaul ever finds out about this, they'll kill me!
Roger: What is this stuff?
[NED53] Ned: ...sorry, what?
Roger: I don't know what this stuff is. Is it illegal? Is it contraband? Is it a potential health hazard?
[NED54] Ned: Well, of course it's a hazard! We've been hiding it from Vohaul all week!
[NED55] Ned: I wanted to get rid of it, but the apes wanted to keep it around and... augh, it's all too complicated! How'd I get into this mess?
[NED56] Ned: Please go easy on me! I'll do anything! I'll point fingers! Name names! Give bribes!
Roger: Anything, huh?
[NED57] Ned: Anything!
Roger: Hey, Ned?
[NED58] Ned: Yeah?
Roger: Relax. I saw nothing.
[NED59] Ned: Aren't you going to write me up? Isn't this a major infraction?
Roger: Uh, yeah - I guess so. But hey, we all make mistakes, right?
Roger: I'm sure whatever this is... I could stand to look the other way.
[NED60] Ned: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Just don't tell anybody about what you saw - please!
Roger: My lips are sealed.
Narrator: You take the cup of tea and pour it on the large lock keeping the closet shut. The lock dissolves and falls off.
Roger: Whoa. Didn't think that'd work.
[NED61] Ned: Huh? What did you just do? Please stop doing it.
Roger: Hey there, I'm Roge...
Roger: ...nald Borstein, the health inspector!
[NED37] Ned: Oh my... this is it...
[NED38] Ned: ...we're going down, aren't we?
[NED39] Ned: Oh, so you haven't...
[NED40] Ned: ...ah... I mean... hello...
[NED41] Ned: Hi!
[NED42] Ned: ...heheheh...
Roger: Ned, do you have any idea what this is?
[NED43] Ned: *Gulp* Is that highly-reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass?
Roger: Oh, yes. And I will be including it in my report.
[NED44] Ned: This day just keeps getting worse...