Narrator - VSB Voice Scripts

[NARR2] Narrator: In your frustration, you turn around and start to walk away. However, you trip on a rock and, while trying to prevent your fall, enact a series of bizarre gestures, all of them aimed at Werg.

Werg: Actually, the word 'thief' has always had a sort of a negative feel to it throughout the ages. So nowadays, we prefer to be referred to as 'ownership adjusters'.

Dialog: dCol

[NARR3] Narrator: That went quite well, actually. Considering you're still alive.

Dialog: dColInspection

[NARR4] Narrator: You watch as the Colonel signs your clipboard.

[NARR5] Narrator: You watch as the Colonel signs the permit on the clipboard

Dialog: dVohThrone

Roger: So... my son wouldn't be in Space Quest 12... and your mind would be beamed into a non-existent body.

Vohaul: Your son would not be there to save you in Space Quest 4 either, and you would be dead by the hands of my Sequel Police.

Roger: But if I never went into the future and found out about Beatrice being my future wife...

Roger: I wouldn't have enrolled in the Academy and met her, and wouldn't be here to have this conversation in the first place.

Vohaul: Wrong again, Wilco. You see, due to the nature of space-time, it should be noted that...

[NARR3101] Narrator: One rather lengthy explanation later...

Vohaul: ...and therefore, even if the chicken did die while crossing the road, the egg would have been genetically synthesized with the DNA from the future, thus completing the loop.

Dialog: dForkRoof1

[NARR2901] Narrator: Roger, just let it go. Okay? Just let it go.

Dialog: dForkRoof2

General Forksmith: When I get out of here, I'm going to rip off your foot, shove it down your throat and strangle you with your intestines. Now let me go!

[NARR7] Narrator: Roger, DON'T.

Dialog: dBirdDumb

[NARR2902] Narrator: That's all you're getting out of him, Roger.

Dialog: dShuttleGuards3

[NARR9] Narrator: They're doing an emergency fire drill, remember?

Private Simians: Sorry, sir, but according to the handbook, we're obliged to recognize you as an intruder and throw a grenade up there.

[NARR10] Narrator: Oh, well. At least you're not in the command room.

Dialog: dNarrBooth

[NARR2801] Narrator: I'm the narrator.

[NARR2802] Narrator: Well, only your life, really.

[NARR2803] Narrator: Don't know, don't care. It keeps me going.

[NARR2804] Narrator: I do prefer making fun of you instead of lamenting my own life, though.

[NARR2805] Narrator: I didn't.

[NARR2806] Narrator: We're an independent branch of ScumSoft working on 'Vohaul Strikes Back'. The game you're in right now.

Roger: Ahhh, it's one of THOSE easter eggs! A quick behind-the-scenes look at where the magic is born!

[NARR2807] Narrator: Or a descent to the Ninth Circle of Hell.

[NARR2808] Narrator: It's non-commercial. Didn't your agent contact you about this?

[NARR2809] Narrator: Gah! See, this is why I hate fan-games. No professionalism whatsoever!

[NARR2810] Narrator: What?

[NARR2811] Narrator: Oh, Space Quest 6? I wasn't around back then. I'm the new guy.

[NARR2812] Narrator: There's no budget on this game, so they couldn't afford the original narrator.

[NARR2813] Narrator: So what was that about ScumSoft going bankrupt?

[NARR2814] Narrator: Hmm... okay!

[NARR2815] Narrator: See you in the next screen!

[NARR2816] Narrator: I know, Roger. I know.

Dialog: dAndres

Roger: I know I'm not the smartest guy in the universe, but sometimes you're crossing the line.

Roger: You're treating me like some kind of a joke, but I'm a real human being! I have feelings!

Roger: You're taking words out of my mouth and replacing them with the incoherent ramblings of an imbecile!

Roger: To have the most important moments of your life ruined beyond all repair just because someone thought it would be funny if you acted like a bumbling fool and screwed up on every step of your life?

[NARR2817] Narrator: End scene.

[NARR2818] Narrator: You end the conversation by peeing your pants.

Dialog: dFrede

Frederik: Oh, hey! I came up with the original idea for the game and used to be the teamlead. Then I stepped down and eventually ended up as music supervisor and composer.

Roger: You mean it was your idea to resurrect my arch-nemesis as a robot and have him kidnap my pregnant girlfriend?

[NARR2819] Narrator: Oh, dear.

100 - Intro - SQ12 Xenon - Exterior

[NARR3102] Narrator: On a brief visit to his own future, Roger Wilco, space janitor ordinaire, has just defeated evil mastermind Sludge Vohaul for the third time in a row.

[NARR3103] Narrator: However, in a twist of fate that will surprise almost no-one, sinister plans by Vohaul's minions are already set in motion. Roger, of course, remains entirely clueless.

101 - Intro - SQ12 Xenon - Interior

[NARR3104] Narrator: Many years earlier, at an unknown, formerly Vohaul-controlled planet...

102 - Intro - Apeman HQ

[NARR3105] Narrator: A few weeks later...

104 - Intro - Vohaul Resurrection Lab

Ape Scientist: Functional, yes, but there were many parts in these schematics that were a bit difficult to follow.

Ape Scientist: Fortunately, my team and I were able to compensate for that by taking numerous creative shortcuts.

[NARR3106] Narrator: As Vohaul rebuilds the collapsed apeman empire, one obsession remains constantly on the forefront of his mind - revenge on Roger Wilco.

[NARR3107] Narrator: Rather than dispatching of his nemesis promptly, he spends the next two years plotting an elaborate scheme of vengeance until one day he decides that he is ready... to strike back.

106 - Intro - Romanticon

[NARR3108] Narrator: We rejoin our hero, Roger Wilco, as he is enjoying a peaceful vacation with his future wife Beatrice Wankmeister, on the planet Romanticon VII.

[NARR3109] Narrator: They are currently dining at the Pie-ery - a family restaurant where every single meal is made of pie.

107 - Intro - Pie-Ery

[NARR3110] Narrator: In mere moments, Roger and Beatrice are swiftly aboard the Aluminum Mallard, and race off together into the cosmos to confront this vengeance-seeking evil.

[NARR3111] Narrator: Several hours of awkward silence later, they approach the desolate ice world of Radon. This hostile wasteland of a planet is home to an even more hostile presence fiendishly awaiting their arrival.

201 - Mallard Interior

Beatrice: WE SHOULD BE RELAXING IN A SPA RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU HAD TO DRAG US OUT HERE, IN THE MIDDLE OF FRICKIN' NOWHERE!

[NARR616] Narrator: This doesn't look good, Roger. Your arch-nemesis is alive and probably plotting to take over the universe, while you're stuck on a deserted ice planet with your ship badly damaged. You'd better find a way to get out of here and find Vohaul before things get any worse. (Already recorded)

[NARR3112] Narrator: A few minutes later... (Already recorded)

[NARR3113] Narrator: A few more minutes later... (Already recorded)

[NARR3114] Narrator: Even more minutes later... (Already recorded)

[NARR617] Narrator: It's the Aluminum Mallard's trusty ship computer, running on the new Mallard OS.

[NARR618] Narrator: The vocal input has never been very much help, has it, Roger? (Already recorded)

[NARR619] Narrator: The computer doesn't work with that.

[NARR620] Narrator: It's the Mallard's highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass, and judging from the damage, you won't be taking this ship to outer space any time soon. (Already recorded)

[NARR621] Narrator: You write your name on the windshield with your finger. Give or take a couple of spelling mistakes. (Already recorded)

[NARR622] Narrator: In a desperate attempt to replenish your food supplies, you try to lick some space bugs from the windshield. After severely damaging your tongue, you realize the bugs would have to be on the other side. (Already recorded)

[NARR623] Narrator: This panel contains a single red button, which controls the ramp. (Already recorded)

[NARR624] Narrator: You press the red button. Grinding noises occur, but the ramp seems to be stuck. You'll have to find another way out. (Already recorded)

[NARR625] Narrator: You press the red button with your tongue. Grinding noises occur, but the ramp seems to be stuck. You'll have to find another way out. And a way to get the taste of red rubber out of your mouth.

[NARR626] Narrator: This dial displays important information about the color depth of the ship. It has gone up quite a bit from the 16 colors it read when you first found the ship in Space Quest III. (Already recorded)

[NARR627] Narrator: You tap the dial, but it doesn't move. It would appear that you are stuck with these graphics for now. (Already recorded)

[NARR628] Narrator: Actually, you're wrong. They're just decoration. (Already recorded)

[NARR629] Narrator: They don't actually do anything, you might as well leave them alone. (Already recorded)

[NARR630] Narrator: No. It would be bad to get stuck to it again. (Already recorded)

[NARR631] Narrator: These passenger chairs are quite comfortable, but you don't have much time to sit on them while piloting the ship. (Already recorded)

[NARR632] Narrator: They feel quite comfortable, but this isn't the time to rest. (Already recorded)

[NARR633] Narrator: You'd lick the seat, but it lost its taste months ago. (Already recorded)

[NARR634] Narrator: This door is your only exit. It leads to the unknown, the mysterious, and the scary. (Already recorded)

[NARR635] Narrator: This door can only be opened electronically. (Already recorded)

[NARR636] Narrator: It's your trusty captain's chair. Now all you need is a trusty captain.

[NARR637] Narrator: If the chair has any more bounty, it hides it all too well...

[NARR638] Narrator: Hoping to find some loose change, you go through the cushion and find what appears to be the ship computer's recovery disc.

[NARR639] Narrator: You're not cool enough to make that line work, Roger. Besides, this ship isn't going anywhere anyway. (Already recorded)

[NARR640] Narrator: The door used to be just locked. But now it is also licked. You observe your achievement for a while, then carry on. (Already recorded)

[NARR641] Narrator: There's a roll of duct tape here. (Already recorded)

[NARR642] Narrator: You pick up the duct tape. (Already recorded)

[NARR129] Narrator: As much as you'd like to cover your tongue in duct tape again, you don't really have the time for it. (Already recorded)

[NARR643] Narrator: With the heating circuits broken, the interior of the Aluminum Mallard feels just as cold and lifeless as the planet it's crashed into.

[NARR644] Narrator: This is your trusty steed, the Aluminum Mallard. You once rescued it from a garbage freighter; now it looks like you might be returning it to one.

[NARR645] Narrator: We know you love your ship, Roger, but this is hardly the time.

[NARR646] Narrator: It's not open, you can't leave that way.

[NARR647] Narrator: The ramp remains an inaccessible exit.

[NARR648] Narrator: You never got around to installing the voice control.

202 - Mallard Computer

[NARR649] Narrator: The screen looks suspiciously blank. Maybe you have the POWER to change that.

[NARR650] Narrator: The screen says... Hey, why do I have to tell you what the screen says? Just read it yourself. Go on. It'll be fun!

[NARR618] Narrator: The vocal input has never been very much help, has it, Roger? (Duplicate) (Already recorded)

[NARR651] Narrator: Don't. You'll leave fingerprints on the screen. (Already recorded)

[NARR652] Narrator: Although the Mallard's dated computer systems primarily rely on obsolete optical disc technology, it has also been fitted with a more modern floppy disk drive.

[NARR653] Narrator: Your finger wouldn't fit in there any more than your tongue would. (Already recorded)

[NARR654] Narrator: Your tongue wouldn't fit in there any more than your finger would.

[NARR655] Narrator: It's not floppy enough.

[NARR656] Narrator: It won't go in. You might want to try turning on the power. (Already recorded)

[NARR657] Narrator: We've already done that bit, Rog - don't you remember all the fun we had?

[NARR658] Narrator: The disc case won't fit in the slot.

[NARR659] Narrator: Why didn't you open the case first, then?

[NARR660] Narrator: You have a strange life, Roger.

[NARR661] Narrator: It's not a vending machine, Roger.

[NARR662] Narrator: Do you think that belongs in this slot?

[NARR663] Narrator: This is the power button. (Already recorded)

[NARR664] Narrator: You give the power button a powerful lick, and feel smug about the clever pun you just performed. (Already recorded)

[NARR665] Narrator: You might be better off applying your finger to the button instead.

[NARR666] Narrator: There is no need to turn it back off. (Already recorded)

[NARR667] Narrator: You turn on the computer. (Already recorded)

[NARR668] Narrator: This is the trackball. It doesn't do anything, as no graphical interface has yet been implemented into this version of Mallard OS. Incidentally, it is also the part of the computer you understand and have used the most. (Already recorded)

[NARR669] Narrator: Sorry, this feature will be implemented in future versions of the Mallard OS. (Already recorded)

[NARR670] Narrator: This is a keyboard with the standard QMARTY layout. Some claim the alternative D'Borat layout to be more efficient, though.

[NARR671] Narrator: You try several random words, but the screen just keeps saying 'The word is incorrect. Please try again.'

[NARR672] Narrator: You try pressing buttons, but nothing happens. Looks like the computer doesn't need any input right now. (Already recorded)

[NARR673] Narrator: Drooling over the keyboard doesn't make it work better. You should know.

[NARR674] Narrator: Try typing with your fingers instead.

[NARR675] Narrator: This button is labeled eject. (Already recorded)

[NARR676] Narrator: That button does nothing without turning on the power. (Already recorded)

[NARR677] Narrator: You press the button, but nothing happens. There must not be a disc in it. (Already recorded)

[NARR678] Narrator: Don't eject the disc yet. You had a hard enough time inserting it without breaking it.

[NARR679] Narrator: You press the button and the disc pops out. You take it. (Already recorded)

[NARR677] Narrator: You press the button, but nothing happens. There must not be a disc in it. (Duplicate)

[NARR680] Narrator: You eject your tongue from your mouth and give the eject button a lick. (Already recorded)

[NARR681] Narrator: Contrary to popular belief, hitting the computer does not make it go faster.

[NARR682] Narrator: It's the Aluminum Mallard's operations computer terminal.

[NARR683] Narrator: Cussing out the computer won't make it work.

[NARR684] Narrator: Throwing stuff at the computer won't help.

203 - Radon Surface - Mallard Crash Site

Roger: Bea, we both know that splitting up in a dangerous situation always leads to big trouble!

Beatrice: You've had six big exciting adventures, and three or so others that are slightly less known, but still dynamic and amazing.

[NARR3112] Narrator: A few minutes later... (Duplicate) (Already recorded)

Never Kenezer: But I'm afraid Dr. Vohaul has given me strict orders to capture any survivors alive.

[NARR685] Narrator: You pick up the piece of paper and read it:

Never Kenezer: "Hello, Mr. Wilco.

Let's get straight to the point.
I have been tasked by Dr. Vohaul to bring you into custody.
Unfortunately, your absence during our sweep of the crash site has made said task more complicated than it should be.

So here's the deal:

We have Beatrice.

If you ever want to see her alive again, you'll walk right up to the fortress on the horizon and surrender.

Looking forward to a productive cooperation,
Dr. Never Kenezer"

[NARR687] Narrator: Well, ain't that a bummer. You're stuck on a nearly-deserted ice planet, your ship is broken, Vohaul seems to be taking over the universe, he's got your girlfriend and as if that wasn't enough, you've now got snow in your boots.

Roger: Somehow, I can't help but feel that all of this could've been avoided if I just stayed on Romaticon-7 and didn't bring my pregnant girlfriend to an ice planet swarming with Vohaul's minions.

[NARR688] Narrator: Your once beautiful ship is now sticking out of the ground, smoldering. You wonder if you'll ever get the chance to have it repaired. (Already recorded)

[NARR689] Narrator: Those wires appear to be filled with a deadly electrical charge. (Already recorded)

[NARR690] Narrator: Pieces of smashed glass are scattered across the ground. They appear to have come from the Aluminum Mallard's viewscreen.

[NARR691] Narrator: Hey, don't you already have a piece of Septuple-Thick Omega-PVC Windscreen Glass?

[NARR692] Narrator: The point still stands. Besides, how much broken glass do you want in those pockets?

[NARR693] Narrator: So just because a piece of smashed glass from a crashed vessel saved your life once before, you automatically assume that the same thing will happen this time. You really think it will be that simple? (Already recorded)

[NARR694] Narrator: All right then. You pick up the piece of glass. (Already recorded)

[NARR695] Narrator: Chewing on broken glass has never been your favorite hobby. (Already recorded)

[NARR696] Narrator: The landing seems to have cut a hole in one of these tree-like things. You wonder what unbelievable magical mysteries may await inside. (Already recorded)

[NARR697] Narrator: You reach into the hole and find... a magical dagger! (Already recorded)

[NARR698] Narrator: You throw it away. (Already recorded)

[NARR699] Narrator: You reach into the hole and find... a pouch of diamonds! (Already recorded)

[NARR700] Narrator: You close it quickly as to not lose any. (Already recorded)

[NARR701] Narrator: It was fun while it lasted. (Already recorded)

[NARR702] Narrator: The only response you hear is the chirping of some kind of a bug, and from the tone it sounds like it's not interested in talking to you. (Already recorded)

[NARR703] Narrator: A toilet seat cover seems to have fallen out of the ship during the crash. (Already recorded)

[NARR704] Narrator: Well then, how did you... actually, never mind. (Already recorded)

[NARR705] Narrator: You leave the toilet seat up, ignoring what Bea told you. (Already recorded)

[NARR706] Narrator: This is a self-inflating model. There is no need to blow in it. (Already recorded)

[NARR707] Narrator: Oh, I'm sorry... a writer must have mistaken this toilet seat cover for a life buoy. (Already recorded)

[NARR708] Narrator: That hatch is now your only way in and out of the ship. (Already recorded)

[NARR709] Narrator: Right... you and what forklift?

[NARR710] Narrator: I'm sure that'll buff right out.

[NARR711] Narrator: Seeing your baby like this is already leaving a bad taste in your mouth.

204 - Radon Surface - Snowman

[NARR712] Narrator: There's a snowman standing here. Apparently it looks alive enough to fool some people. (Already recorded)

[NARR713] Narrator: Actually, that IS a little odd, now that you mention it...

[NARR714] Narrator: The icy components of the snowman have rendered it rather sturdy. That wallet's stuck in there pretty tight. (Already recorded)

[NARR715] Narrator: ...It's just a lifeless snowman, Roger! Get over it! (Already recorded)

[NARR716] Narrator: Given the shape you're in, Roger, I wouldn't bet on that.

[NARR717] Narrator: It might take a little more force to get that wallet out of there.

[NARR718] Narrator: You dangle a buckazoid in front of the wallet, hoping to lure out any others that might be hiding within.

[NARR719] Narrator: Are you trying to loosen or fasten the wallet?

[NARR720] Narrator: Loosen.

[NARR721] Narrator: Fasten.

[NARR722] Narrator: Your plan to get the snowman drunk in order to steal its wallet has a number of weak points.

[NARR723] Narrator: Firstly, the drink is non-alcoholic.

[NARR724] Narrator: Secondly, the bottle is empty.

[NARR725] Narrator: And last but not least - IT'S A SNOWMAN.

[NARR726] Narrator: That won't be enough to dislodge the wallet.

[NARR727] Narrator: This snowman clearly isn't very worried about pickpockets...

206 - Radon Surface - Blanket

[NARR728] Narrator: There are some mushrooms sticking out of the ice here. They look similar to the tree-like growths, which might all in fact be a form of some alien fungus.

[NARR729] Narrator: You can't pick the mushrooms, they're frozen to the ground.

[NARR730] Narrator: The mushrooms are too frozen and potentially unedible for you to try one out.

[NARR731] Narrator: That's odd, there's a white blanket hanging from one of the trees.

[NARR732] Narrator: Even though you may have been told otherwise, licking a blanket actually does NOT make you cool.

[NARR733] Narrator: You swipe the blanket from the tree and tuck it away in your pocket.

207 - Radon Surface - Cliff

[NARR734] Narrator: You peer down the cliff. It's a very long way down.

[NARR735] Narrator: You aren't that good at rock climbing.

208 - Radon Surface - South of Resort

[NARR736] Narrator: An establishment of some sort appears in the distance.

[NARR737] Narrator: Maybe you should get closer to it first.

209 - Radon Surface

[NARR729] Narrator: You can't pick the mushrooms, they're frozen to the ground. (Duplicate)

[NARR728] Narrator: There are some mushrooms sticking out of the ice here. They look similar to the tree-like growths, which might all in fact be a form of some alien fungus. (Duplicate)

210 - Radon Surface - Giant Skeleton

[NARR738] Narrator: Wow, Roger, you sure have book smarts!

[NARR739] Narrator: Touching the fallen remains of the once great animal makes you realize how fragile the miracle of life can really be.

[NARR740] Narrator: That skeleton's eye cavity looks suspiciously deep.

[NARR3116] Narrator: Meanwhile...

[NARR741] Narrator: You spit through the skeleton's eye and judge from the delay of the splat sound that it's a bit deeper than it should be.

[NARR742] Narrator: At first glance, this seems like the monster was chewing on some poor soul before he dropped dead. In reality, the monster just dropped dead and the poor soul was the guy he landed on.

[NARR743] Narrator: You don't want to get your tongue stuck to it. It may not be metal, but you really never can take any chances.

[NARR744] Narrator: It's always a good idea to have a spare bone in your pocket. You pick it up.

211 - Radon Surface - Spewter

[NARR745] Narrator: It's a huge, menacing and remarkably flatulent beast.

[NARR746] Narrator: This must be the Spewter that Al mentioned.

[NARR747] Narrator: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

[NARR748] Narrator: The air around that creature is too toxic to be inhaled, so you better keep your mouth shut.

[NARR749] Narrator: You wave the bone around, but the monster remains more interested in the large piece of meat holding the bone.

[NARR750] Narrator: You reflect the sun into the creature's face, but only succeed in mildly annoying it.

[NARR751] Narrator: It doesn't look hungry for THAT.

212 - Radon Surface - Al's Resort - Exterior

[NARR752] Narrator: You take a good whiff of the clean sea air. Refreshing!

[NARR753] Narrator: As much as you'd like to go and have some fun at the beach, you've got more important things to do at the moment.

[NARR754] Narrator: The gift shop appears to be the most exciting part of this so-called resort.

[NARR755] Narrator: The sign reads 'Al's Beach Resort', but you probably already knew that.

[NARR756] Narrator: You know better than to eat other people's signs.

[NARR757] Narrator: You're too tall to properly swing from that sign.

[NARR758] Narrator: This cheap fence marks the boundary of the resort.

[NARR759] Narrator: You check whether the fence might be made of candy, and reach a negative conclusion.

[NARR760] Narrator: The fence is frozen solid. You can't move it.

[NARR761] Narrator: It's a bucket, used by small children to put water, sand and/or helpless creatures in.

[NARR762] Narrator: You attempt to drink from the bucket, but alas, 'tis empty.

[NARR763] Narrator: You realize that the implication of putting things in another thing could prove helpful in your quest to defeat Vohaul, and obtain the bucket.

213 - Radon Surface - Al's Resort - Interior

[NARR764] Narrator: Smooth.

[NARR765] Narrator: It's Gritney Shears, your favorite transvestite superstar from Flatulacos 11!

[NARR766] Narrator: You really miss classic Gritney, don't you?

[NARR767] Narrator: You try ripping the poster off the wall with your teeth, but fail.

[NARR768] Narrator: Looks like they're all outta Pelvis. Drat.

[NARR769] Narrator: Don't bother. Pelvis is a sellout.

[NARR770] Narrator: My, what an ugly fat kid.

[NARR771] Narrator: Although the doll looks like it's full of Cheesy Poofs, you can't eat it for free.

[NARR772] Narrator: You reach out and give the little doll a pinch.

[NARR773] Narrator: It's the head of a rapid, rabid rabbit.

[NARR774] Narrator: Try as you might, you just can't beat the smile on that rabbit's face.

[NARR775] Narrator: This isn't a good time for revenge for your childhood nightmares, Roger.

[NARR776] Narrator: The poor creature stares at you with bewildered eyes, surrounded as it is with voracious, large-mouthed predators.

[NARR777] Narrator: Roger, this is something we can talk through later. You have a girlfriend to save, remember? Strange but true.

[NARR778] Narrator: It feels frightened. You try to soothe it by stroking it gently.

[NARR779] Narrator: It's Dude Shootem! The main character from the hit video game, 'Dude, shoot 'em!'.

[NARR780] Narrator: It tastes like dried spit and bubblegum. And you're all out of bubblegum.

[NARR781] Narrator: Even though it's just an action figure, you're hesitant to get too close. Dude Shootem is the business.

[NARR782] Narrator: That has to be the ugliest bird you've ever seen... except for that one high school date.

[NARR783] Narrator: After making sure no one is watching, you grab the bird and attempt to choke it, a plan you've contemplated ever since first playing King's Quest 5. Unfortunately, someone's beaten you to it.

[NARR784] Narrator: So, this is where that surplus of those mini-droids went. You could have sworn that they were all destroyed.

[NARR785] Narrator: He doesn't respond. Probably burnt out after pondering the physics of a bee.

[NARR786] Narrator: You don't want to touch them, for the fear of a snappy comeback.

[NARR787] Narrator: Looks like your average travel agent from the Land of the Dead.

[NARR788] Narrator: Isn't it a bit too early to start begging the Grim Reaper for mercy?

[NARR789] Narrator: Ugh, Roger...

[NARR790] Narrator: My, does this bring back memories.

[NARR791] Narrator: You spit on the droid and hope it rusts.

[NARR792] Narrator: I have seen you do this countless times, thanks to the Restore button.

[NARR793] Narrator: That's the second puniest excuse for a monkey head you have ever seen.

[NARR794] Narrator: Although monkeys bear a resemblance to the apemen, they haven't yet mastered the art of speaking. However, some of them have been reported capable of sailing ships.

[NARR795] Narrator: You really don't want to stick your finger in that monkey's ear, believe me.

[NARR796] Narrator: Looking at this hat makes you wish they would also sell some fine leather jackets here.

[NARR797] Narrator: Whatever you do, don't call it Junior's hat.

[NARR798] Narrator: Ladies and Gentlemen, a prime example of janitorial humor.

[NARR799] Narrator: Only a loser would want to be seen wearing that hat. You'll buy yours later.

[NARR800] Narrator: Once worn by the most honorable knight in Daventry, these hats are nowadays manufactured from cheap materials by dirty slaves somewhere on a fourth-world planet.

[NARR801] Narrator: If you're lucky, the moths might talk back!

Roger: Come to think of it, I'd look rather dashing wearing one of these as I journey through the land.

[NARR802] Narrator: Rather dashing? More like... rather homely!

[NARR803] Narrator: A staring contest is probably a foregone conclusion.

[NARR804] Narrator: As you remember the snack you once had at Robekis T5, your sudden urge to devour an eyeball disappears.

[NARR805] Narrator: How would you like someone coming over and squeezing YOUR eyeballs?

[NARR806] Narrator: It looks like a hybrid of grapefruits and a miniature octopus...

[NARR807] Narrator: You remember your grandmother's words, 'Don't touch my dentures', and realize it's not really relevant.

[NARR808] Narrator: It's a lovely cake. Just like Mrs. Badcrumble used to make.

[NARR809] Narrator: The glass is there because of people like you.

[NARR810] Narrator: This cake is long past its expiration date.

[NARR811] Narrator: Rubber chickens with pulleys in the middle. These cunning inventions have saved countless heroes in deadly situations.

[NARR812] Narrator: All the rubber chick says is 'squeak'.

[NARR813] Narrator: You can't reach the rubber chickens. And because of copyright laws, you cannot use them either.

[NARR814] Narrator: Looks like random cheap hi-tech stuff. Probably made in Waitan.

[NARR815] Narrator: Stop drooling, Roger. This stuff is worth less than it looks.

[NARR816] Narrator: You don't want to buy this. It'll break before you leave the store.

[NARR817] Narrator: The label on the jar reads 'Abby Normal'.

[NARR818] Narrator: Well, how many different brain-in-a-jar jokes can you think of?

[NARR819] Narrator: Let's just move on.

[NARR820] Narrator: You shake the jar around a bit and watch as the brain swirls inside and bumps against the glass.

[NARR821] Narrator: That's not how the laser mic works, Roger.

[NARR822] Narrator: You don't want these goggles. The green glow will give away your position in a split second.

[NARR823] Narrator: What? Oh, right, you wouldn't.

[NARR824] Narrator: It's one of those killer Rasin surfboards. They supposedly do all the work for you and are impossible to fall off of.

[NARR825] Narrator: You kiss the surfboard in hopes that its coolness would rub off on you.

[NARR826] Narrator: I doubt you'll catch any good waves at this resort.

[NARR827] Narrator: You have more important things to do than playing catch.

[NARR828] Narrator: Wow, beach balls! Now, if only there was a real beach around...

[NARR829] Narrator: You inflate a ball just a bit more.

[NARR830] Narrator: These are the official Big Blue Cups of AGS - the Andromedan Girl Scouts.

[NARR831] Narrator: You pick up a cup and examine it closely. It has a very home-made feel to it. And it looks more modern than the AGI or SCI cups you've seen before.

[NARR832] Narrator: Mmm, tastes like open source!

[NARR833] Narrator: These contain little mini-beach resorts in a wintery hell to remind visitors of the time they visited a beach resort in a wintery hell.

[NARR834] Narrator: You violently shake one of the snow globes. From deep within, you can swear you almost hear screaming.

[NARR835] Narrator: You pop the cap and drink some of the snow globe fluid. Mmmm... drain cleaner!

[NARR836] Narrator: For a moment you think you are looking out of a window into the tropical beaches of Radon... but then you remember there are no tropical beaches on Radon. It must be another painting.

[NARR837] Narrator: You grasp the wheel, pretending you're the helmsman on some old freighter. What odd fantasies you have.

[NARR838] Narrator: You can't taste the water; it's just a painting.

[NARR839] Narrator: It's a parasol - useful for blocking the sun, useless for blocking wind, rain, snow or falling boulders.

[NARR840] Narrator: The parasol is closed; you can't blow in it.

[NARR841] Narrator: This seems vaguely familiar... you recall seeing his species once before, but it seems more like a dream than a real memory.

[NARR842] Narrator: You open your mouth, you close your mouth, you open your mouth, you close your mouth, you open your mouth, you close your mouth!

[NARR843] Narrator: You open his mouth, you close his mouth, you open his mouth, you close his mouth, you open his mouth, you close his mouth!

[NARR844] Narrator: It's an Orat-on-a-stick. You can't believe that anyone except Fester Blatz would stock them!

[NARR843] Narrator: You open his mouth, you close his mouth, you open his mouth, you close his mouth, you open his mouth, you close his mouth! (Duplicate)

[NARR842] Narrator: You open your mouth, you close your mouth, you open your mouth, you close your mouth, you open your mouth, you close your mouth! (Duplicate)

[NARR845] Narrator: Sounds appetizing.

[NARR846] Narrator: No, it's not real.

[NARR847] Narrator: If you know your geometricized mathematical solitative leisure aids, and sadly you do, then that's a Gygaxaquadroholymolironic die - 42 sides with only fifteen visible to the naked eye.

[NARR848] Narrator: No you're thinking of an eightball. This one can't tell you if you'll find Beatrice, only whether your level 5 paladin will.

[NARR849] Narrator: No way! You're marginally too cool to be seen with that thing. I think.

[NARR850] Narrator: Ooh, a Swingline stapler! You haven't seen one of those ever since StarCon switched to Boston staplers.

[NARR851] Narrator: Yyyeah... I'm afraid you're not gonna get this stapler.

[NARR852] Narrator: Oh, and... I'm also gonna need you to come in for work on Saturday...

[NARR853] Narrator: Grrreat... see ya then.

[NARR854] Narrator: Very subtle, writers.

[NARR855] Narrator: These brochures feature all of the big tourist spots on Radon... all one of them. And you're standing in it.

[NARR856] Narrator: This is a bell, probably used to summon the shop clerk.

[NARR857] Narrator: It has the distinct taste of Lead-O polish.

[NARR858] Narrator: It's, believe it or not, a sign reading 'New K.R.A.P. supplies!'.

[NARR859] Narrator: Oh-ho-ho-ho!

[NARR860] Narrator: You scratch the blackboard a bit and shiver at the noise.

[NARR861] Narrator: Careful! These toys have been linked to the disappearances of many house pets.

[NARR862] Narrator: So this is what became of him after that series finale.

[NARR863] Narrator: You don't have enough wernicks to buy one of these.

[NARR864] Narrator: It's Brian the Martini-Dog, the popular college toy who spreads anti-Republican propaganda whenever you scratch behind his ear.

[NARR865] Narrator: You give Martini-Dog a scratch and get an earful of hypocritical slander against hypocrites.

[NARR866] Narrator: Hey, it also doubles as a breathalizer!

[NARR867] Narrator: Looks like the guy whose photo you found under a cup you once stole.

[NARR868] Narrator: Don't. He's going to murder you! You... bloody janitor!

[NARR869] Narrator: You couldn't hope to beat this guy in hand-to-hand combat.

[NARR870] Narrator: Ah, kangaroo boxing. The sport of kings!

[NARR871] Narrator: If you want a fat lip, be my guest!

[NARR872] Narrator: Hey, it's that guy who sat in front of you at a movie once! He wouldn't shut up through the whole thing!

[NARR873] Narrator: Watch it! I hear crow syndrome is contagious!

[NARR874] Narrator: Go ahead. Riff on him. I dare you.

[NARR875] Narrator: It's merchandise from the popular adults-only animated show: Dickey Mouse

[NARR876] Narrator: Don't touch that! You don't know where that hat's been!

[NARR877] Narrator: No matter how many times you saw the show, you still wonder what it would be like...

[NARR878] Narrator: Looking at the green hats just makes you more confused.

[NARR879] Narrator: You discover that the hat is made from genuine porcupoid fur.

[NARR880] Narrator: This hat, this hat, it's your father's hat, it's your grandfather's hat, it's your birthright... Don't lick it!

[NARR881] Narrator: A piece of wood with literature clipped onto it. The mind boggles at the possibilities!

[NARR882] Narrator: Your mom always told you to lick on wood for good luck.

[NARR883] Narrator: You break it, you buy it!

[NARR884] Narrator: Merchandising! Where all the real money is made!

[NARR885] Narrator: The interior of Al's shack tastes bland and stale.

[NARR886] Narrator: This helmet isn't designed to fit on your head, Roger.

[NARR887] Narrator: At first glance, it looks like a toaster, but when you look closer, you can see it's actually a Model 0005 Centurion's helmet.

[NARR888] Narrator: You start to give the unit an order, but it cuts you off with a pre-emptive 'By your command'... must be defective.

214 - Radon Surface - Al's Resort - Feedback Form

[NARR889] Narrator: You've seen these symbols somewhere before.

[NARR890] Narrator: Incredibly, this form has NOT been written in Bognortronian tongue-Braille and, as such, is completely inaccesible to the many seeing- and felangically-challenged visitors out there.

[NARR891] Narrator: You are disgusted, and make a mental note to tip the purveyors of this establishment poorly, if at all.

[NARR892] Narrator: Something about the logo strikes you as misleadingly fun...

[NARR893] Narrator: You ask the personification of Al for his help in completing this Sisyphean challenge of a form. Somehow the logo manages to convey contempt in response.

[NARR894] Narrator: You give Al a terrifying scar from cheek to chin with your fingernail. That'll show 'im, Rog.

215 - Radon Surface - Destroyed Snowman

[NARR895] Narrator: Well, you got what you wanted, Roger. The wallet has been dislodged.

[NARR896] Narrator: This puddle of snow used to be a snowman, the sweet symbol of innocent youth which you just brutally destroyed. (Already recorded)

[NARR897] Narrator: You monster.

[NARR898] Narrator: No Roger, it's too late to get guilty now. There is no time to resurrect the snowman. (Already recorded)

[NARR899] Narrator: You try take a good bite of the late snowman, but end up with cold snow in your mouth. (Already recorded)

[NARR900] Narrator: The wallet is considerably more accessible now that you have annihilated the snowman.

[NARR901] Narrator: If you were of greater morals, you'd try to find the owner. But no one is around to make you feel guilty, so you just pick up the wallet.

[NARR902] Narrator: You put your hand in a pile of snow... that used to be your best friend's FACE!

[NARR903] Narrator: He doesn't have the arms to take the wallet back, Roger. Not any more, at least...

[NARR904] Narrator: This isn't Humpty-Dumpty! This is REAL!

[NARR905] Narrator: Stop it! Stop! He's already dead!

[NARR906] Narrator: Leave Frosty alone!

301 - Caves - Entrance

[NARR907] Narrator: Looking at the spinal formation vaguely reminds you of the time you first found the Aluminum Mallard from the garbage freighter.

[NARR908] Narrator: Just because it's been decaying here for centuries doesn't mean it's interested in what you might have to say.

[NARR909] Narrator: You're inside a dark, cold mountain cave.

[NARR910] Narrator: It's not dark enough for you to have to fumble your way through.

[NARR911] Narrator: You consider licking the cave walls for a moment, but realize that it would have no practical value whatsoever.

302 - Caves

[NARR910] Narrator: It's not dark enough for you to have to fumble your way through. (Duplicate)

[NARR909] Narrator: You're inside a dark, cold mountain cave. (Duplicate)

[NARR911] Narrator: You consider licking the cave walls for a moment, but realize that it would have no practical value whatsoever. (Duplicate)

303 - Caves - Water Pool

[NARR912] Narrator: It's a pool of cool, refreshing water.

[NARR913] Narrator: Sorry, Roger - you haven't yet mastered the art of carrying water around with your bare hands.

[NARR913] Narrator: Sorry, Roger - you haven't yet mastered the art of carrying water around with your bare hands. (Duplicate)

[NARR914] Narrator: Of course, you've mastered the art of sticking every other thing in your pants. Why not water? Why are simple liquids the exception?

[NARR915] Narrator: In fact, I'm reading through the game build right now and there's even an item in here labeled 'iPuddle.' Does this imply that Roger has no problem carrying puddles, yet simply scooping up some cold water in his hands is beyond his comprehension?

Roger: It's all right, Narrator. I don't care. I'll just solve this puzzle like all the other ones.

[NARR916] Narrator: Now hear me out. What if Roger's pants were made out of some special space/time bending material that could house infinite amounts of anything? You could carry around water, large boulders, even other characters! Just imagine the possibilities!

[NARR917] Narrator: Fine, don't listen to me. I'm just the disembodied voice in Roger's head. I don't have brilliant ideas like using a bucket to pick up water - oh, I'm sorry. Did I just give away the puzzle solution? That and my complete lack of imagination are probably why I'm not a game designer.

[NARR918] Narrator: And don't get me started on you guys. Which one of you was the genius who wrote LOOK, INTERACT, and TALK functions for EVERY single hotspot in the game? I have to read all that you know, and it's not like I'm getting paid for this. And all that dialogue that didn't even make it into the game. Bloody fan efforts. Great work experience, my ass!

Dev2: Roger, it's far too early in the game to be pulling off a fourth wall-breaking easter egg of this magnitude.

[NARR919] Narrator: Easter egg? Hey, Roger - they think this is an easter egg.

[NARR920] Narrator: I think these so-called fans forgot their place. Maybe we should just report this illegal fan-game.

[NARR921] Narrator: Go on ahead without me, Rog. I'm about to unleash a divine can of Narrator whoop-ass on these devs.

[NARR922] Narrator: So now it's come down to you and me.

[NARR923] Narrator: Ugggghhhh...

Roger: I ran into King Graham about halfway to Cancun. He was mumbling something about sea water.

Comment: The narrator is unconscious during this line. Could either omit the voice or record some snoring.

[NARR3117] Narrator: Five hours later...

[NARR924] Narrator: Huh? Where am I?

[NARR925] Narrator: What happened? I don't normally nod off during the game. What were we doing again?

Roger: You were just talking about how this water is too cold for me to carry with my bare hands.

[NARR926] Narrator: Oh, right.

[NARR927] Narrator: The water is too cold for Roger to carry with his bare hands.

[NARR928] Narrator: You're not thirsty right now.

[NARR929] Narrator: You fill your bucket with icy cold water.

[NARR930] Narrator: You don't need another bucket of water right away. Try to be more creative with this thing.

[NARR931] Narrator: The bucket is already full of water.

[NARR932] Narrator: You hold the bottle underwater to fill it up, but the sheer drop in temperature causes your hand to recoil in pain. Maybe filling up a tiny bottle isn't worth the hypothermia.

[NARR933] Narrator: You stick the piece of glass into the water, hoping it will react, form an acidic gas and make a convenient hole in the wall which leads directly into Vohaul's fortress. However, nothing happens. Nice theory, though!

[NARR934] Narrator: You can't fill that with water.

[NARR910] Narrator: It's not dark enough for you to have to fumble your way through. (Duplicate)

[NARR909] Narrator: You're inside a dark, cold mountain cave. (Duplicate)

[NARR911] Narrator: You consider licking the cave walls for a moment, but realize that it would have no practical value whatsoever. (Duplicate)

304 - Caves - Furkunz Entrance

[NARR935] Narrator: You get the strange feeling that someone is watching you.

[NARR936] Narrator: You can just walk there, Roger.

[NARR937] Narrator: There is no response.

[NARR910] Narrator: It's not dark enough for you to have to fumble your way through. (Duplicate)

[NARR909] Narrator: You're inside a dark, cold mountain cave. (Duplicate)

[NARR911] Narrator: You consider licking the cave walls for a moment, but realize that it would have no practical value whatsoever. (Duplicate)

305 - Caves

[NARR909] Narrator: You're inside a dark, cold mountain cave. (Duplicate)

[NARR910] Narrator: It's not dark enough for you to have to fumble your way through. (Duplicate)

[NARR911] Narrator: You consider licking the cave walls for a moment, but realize that it would have no practical value whatsoever. (Duplicate)

306 - Caves - Exit

[NARR909] Narrator: You're inside a dark, cold mountain cave. (Duplicate)

[NARR910] Narrator: It's not dark enough for you to have to fumble your way through. (Duplicate)

[NARR911] Narrator: You consider licking the cave walls for a moment, but realize that it would have no practical value whatsoever. (Duplicate)

[NARR938] Narrator: After a mini-eternity in these pitch black caves, the light of a grey, miserable day is nearly blinding.

[NARR939] Narrator: You already have a pocketful of sunshine and a head full of pixie dust, Roger. Look for something practical.

[NARR940] Narrator: Mmm, sunlight has always tasted like victory.

307 - Caves - Furkunz Hall

[NARR941] Narrator: This door seems to lead to a back room. It has a sign on it that reads 'Priests only'.

[NARR942] Narrator: It tastes like your usual door inside the wall of a cave full of furry little refugee creatures. Which is to say... delicious.

[NARR943] Narrator: You've broken enough of the old man's belongings. It's better if you just stay away from this door.

[NARR944] Narrator: The shrine is fully carved out of stone. Hmm, someone's been busy.

[NARR945] Narrator: You don't have time to say your prayers to the bottle right now.

[NARR946] Narrator: You touch the shrine. Yep, it's stone alright.

[NARR947] Narrator: There is some kind of a mystic, religious symbol painted behind the shrine.

[NARR948] Narrator: Don't touch that, you don't know where the religious symbol's been.

[NARR949] Narrator: Tastes sacred.

[NARR950] Narrator: How strange, you wouldn't expect to see a bar here.

[NARR951] Narrator: If you want a drink, you had better go over there and ask properly.

[NARR952] Narrator: The piano is currently emitting some sort of sound. You are perplexed by this and also wonder if the Furkunz behind it might have something to do with it.

[NARR953] Narrator: Your attempt to sing with the piano is inhibited by the song's lack of lyrics, not to mention your lack of talent.

[NARR954] Narrator: These torches are the only source of light in this cave. Well, apart from that giant neon sign.

[NARR955] Narrator: You run your finger through the flame a few times and burn yourself a few times. You were never good at this.

[NARR956] Narrator: Hmm, the Furkunz only have three-alarm fire.

[NARR957] Narrator: It's a table made out of stone.

[NARR958] Narrator: This table is not equipped with voice controls. In fact, it's a rock.

[NARR959] Narrator: You give the table a quick dusting and get your hand all dirty.

[NARR960] Narrator: This is the Almighty Book of Pep'Sier. It looks very holy.

[NARR961] Narrator: You pray to the Almighty Pep'Sier, but there is no reply. Perhaps he only listens to the Furkunz.

[NARR962] Narrator: You don't want to offend the Furkunz so you'd better not touch.

[NARR963] Narrator: Hmm... looks like caveball plays.

[NARR964] Narrator: You start to read the contents of the paper out loud, but get stuck on the first word and give up, embarrassed.

[NARR965] Narrator: There's nothing interesting in the papers.

[NARR966] Narrator: It appears to be a collectible autograph pen from when Feckham was here last.

[NARR967] Narrator: You chew on the end of the pen, being sure to leave it where it was when you're finished.

[NARR968] Narrator: Don't touch the pen, you'll get ink all over your hands and face again.

[NARR969] Narrator: Looks like they're worshipping an MC Cola bottle here.

[NARR970] Narrator: But you know the truth - it's nothing but a fake!

[NARR971] Narrator: It's empty. And even if it wasn't, the priest wouldn't let you drink it.

[NARR972] Narrator: Making sure that nobody's looking, you move to grab the bottle.

[NARR973] Narrator: You'd better not mess with it - you don't want to offend the Furkunz.

[NARR974] Narrator: Why, that's quite clever, Roger! You swiftly replace the MC Cola bottle with the one you got from the Pie-ery. The old priest won't probably even notice that it's a different bottle.

[NARR975] Narrator: The priest can probably tell the difference between a can and a bottle.

[NARR976] Narrator: You don't want desecrate this place of worship with THAT... do you?

[NARR973] Narrator: You'd better not mess with it - you don't want to offend the Furkunz. (Duplicate)

[NARR977] Narrator: Tent of Jeopardy.

[NARR978] Narrator: Tent of Misantrophy.

[NARR979] Narrator: It's a generic military tent. The Furkunz must have pilfered these from the apemen.

[NARR980] Narrator: The inhabitant of this tent probably wouldn't like that.

[NARR981] Narrator: The cave emits an eerie warmth from its cold surface.

[NARR982] Narrator: You're standing in the heart of a large subterranean cavern where the Furkunz have set up camp.

[NARR983] Narrator: The rocks here leave a nice lemony aftertaste.

308 - Caves - Furkunz Bar

[NARR952] Narrator: The piano is currently emitting some sort of sound. You are perplexed by this and also wonder if the Furkunz behind it might have something to do with it. (Duplicate)

[NARR985] Narrator: You put your hand between the hammer and strings and wonder why it hurts.

[NARR953] Narrator: Your attempt to sing with the piano is inhibited by the song's lack of lyrics, not to mention your lack of talent. (Duplicate)

[NARR986] Narrator: Looking at the sign makes you wonder how it's powered. Or how it got here in the first place.

[NARR987] Narrator: It seems to be rather attached to the wall.

[NARR988] Narrator: You'd better not, Roger. The last time you talked to a sign, it said that long-haired freaky people need not apply.

[NARR989] Narrator: This is a bar. It has drinks in it.

[NARR990] Narrator: You rub your hand up and down the smooth bar, but somehow manage to get your hand stuck in something sticky. Amazing how this is possible when the bar only serves water.

[NARR991] Narrator: Hmm... it seems that the voice-activated bar craze hasn't found its way here yet.

[NARR992] Narrator: You find some gum under the seat, enjoy it for awhile, and then put it back there for the next patron.

[NARR993] Narrator: You spin the stool around a bit and wonder whether the top might come off if you spun it around long enough so you could pick it up and put it in your pocket.

[NARR994] Narrator: To save you the trouble, it doesn't.

[NARR995] Narrator: You give the stool a good lick but catch your tongue in a rip.

[NARR996] Narrator: This apparently contains water.

[NARR997] Narrator: You try to open the barrel, but it seems to be foolproof.

[NARR998] Narrator: You consider secretly sucking out some water through the straw, but then remember it's free anyway.

[NARR999] Narrator: The crates are dusty and old. Perhaps they're left over from when the Furkunz moved into these caves.

[NARR1000] Narrator: Your futile attempts to push over the crates amuse the bartender.

[NARR1001] Narrator: You write 'WASH ME' in the dust with your tongue. Not that you'd expect anyone to wash a crate.

[NARR1002] Narrator: 'Stampeding Orat' is popular because of its obvious kick. Many remark of the...vivid aftertaste.

[NARR1003] Narrator: Hey, it's 'I Can't Believe That's Not Milk!'; it tastes like milk, but isn't! Oh, and it's alcoholic, too.

[NARR1004] Narrator: Ooh, Aldebran whiskey! It is...green.

[NARR1005] Narrator: Urm is a grape-flavored beverage which is only intoxicating to a few species.

[NARR1006] Narrator: Contrary to most alcoholic beverages, Raktajino will actually wake you up.

[NARR1007] Narrator: EverCloudy is so strong it is sometimes used to power vehicles in some instances.

[NARR1008] Narrator: A conflict of interest regarding Schmenk is rumored to have started the great war of 2311.

[NARR1009] Narrator: 'Bloody Elizabeth' is named after the creator's wife. She was hemophilic.

[NARR1010] Narrator: Shadka is a clear beverage that some claim the drunkeness it causes to have caused the loss of many battles...giving rise to its catchy slogan: 'Shadka, when the walls fell.'

[NARR1011] Narrator: Kesschek is a pulpy drink that is popular at many college parties.

[NARR1012] Narrator: Baranduin, lovingly tapped from the Brandywine River, is enjoyed by the majority of the universe.

[NARR1013] Narrator: Bloodwine - the optional beverage for the man who never drinks... wine!

[NARR1014] Narrator: The only merchandise by The Two Guys From Andromeda that ever enjoyed any success - The One Ale From Andromeda. Go figure.

[NARR1015] Narrator: Nothing beats a shot of Andorian sake followed by a nice game of bingo. Buttocks up!

[NARR1016] Narrator: Kiwi cider is made from the finest kiwifruit on Dunith XVI.

[NARR1017] Narrator: Ah, Ch�teau Riker, one of the finest and most lovingly manufactured wines in this galaxy. Oh, and it tastes like corked water.

[NARR1018] Narrator: Chech'tluth is described as having a smoky aftertaste.

[NARR1019] Narrator: It's a bottle of Nevarian Alcoholic Cola - the toddlers love it.

[NARR1020] Narrator: Blazing Seaweed is a good, descriptive name for this beverage which both slides and burns on its way down.

[NARR1021] Narrator: Hey, it's Gondorian ale! Good for when you're about to go out and fight an endless army of monsters.

[NARR1022] Narrator: Tucula is a nice, smooth drink, just right for those romantic getaways.

[NARR1023] Narrator: 'Red Ox' - or as it's called among most Xenonians, 'Stroke-On-Tap'.

[NARR1024] Narrator: Heh, this Mike's Hard Tang� is probably just some cheap alcohol added to Tang.

[NARR1025] Narrator: Some people claim that Samarian sunset on tap doesn't produce the same effect as the real thing.

[NARR1026] Narrator: You can't tell what this guy has been drinking, but you can tell you shouldn't have any.

[NARR1027] Narrator: Arcturian Fizz is rumored to have an aphrodisiac as one of its ingredients.

[NARR1028] Narrator: Don't touch those. Leave it up to the bartender.

[NARR1029] Narrator: Talking to the bartender might prove to be more effective than talking to the beverages.

[NARR1030] Narrator: Maybe after a few more drinks.

[NARR1031] Narrator: The Furkunz have taken great care in setting up this establishment under such dire circumstances.

[NARR1030] Narrator: Maybe after a few more drinks. (Duplicate)

[NARR1032] Narrator: It's a mug. Strangely, it has water inside. You become increasingly worried, remembering the last time this happened, when you suddenly recall where you are.

[NARR1033] Narrator: Relieved, you look closer. There is a cocktail umbrella in the mug, apparently to spruce things up a bit. It doesn't seem to help much.

[NARR1034] Narrator: Thinking it might look good on your head, you take the umbrella. Realizing that you don't have a mirror to see what it looks like, you save it for later.

[NARR1035] Narrator: Suddenly you feel an urge to release bodily fluids. You dance around looking for a facility which is designed to handle such things. Not finding one, you quickly forget about it and are later stunned to find your pants wet.

[NARR1036] Narrator: You take a swig of water. Refreshing.

[NARR1037] Narrator: You attempt some vague incantation to change the water into wine, or even a low-point beer, but fail miserably. If anything, the water only looks more brackish.

[NARR1030] Narrator: Maybe after a few more drinks. (Duplicate)

[NARR1038] Narrator: I know this may come as a shock, but you won't need a painting of Furkunz playing poker.

[NARR1039] Narrator: Furkunz Poker is a lot like caveball - fun, exciting, and nobody other than Furkunz know how to play it.

[NARR1040] Narrator: You try to tell the Furkunz in the back of the painting that the guy up front is cheating, but as always, you're just talking to canvas and paint.

309 - Caves - Merf's Hut - Exterior

[NARR1041] Narrator: You become entranced by the torch's dancing flame.

[NARR1042] Narrator: You take a good look at the only hut present in this underground establishment. It looks quite luxurious, from the looks of it.

[NARR1043] Narrator: This must be where Merf lives.

[NARR1044] Narrator: You jiggle the handle, but the door appears to be locked.

[NARR937] Narrator: There is no response. (Duplicate)

[NARR1045] Narrator: You shouldn't break into someone's house without a good reason.

[NARR1046] Narrator: It's a good thing you attended the Basic Lockpicking 101 classes back in the Janitorial Graduate School, just in case your future boss might forget to grant you access to the top-security sections of your workstation, which generally happen to be the dirtiest.

[NARR1047] Narrator: Of course the truth is that you ended up just sleeping through most of the classes, but this lock is still primitive enough for you to crack with some effort.

[NARR1048] Narrator: You've already picked the lock here.

[NARR1049] Narrator: That's a good way to melt off the FRONT of the door, but it wouldn't make getting through the rest of it any easier.

[NARR1050] Narrator: That won't do anything to the hut.

[NARR1051] Narrator: Don't be a peeping Tom!

[NARR1052] Narrator: You can't fit through the window.

[NARR1053] Narrator: The cactus seems to be doing rather well for being inside a cave on an ice planet. Could be because it's fake.

[NARR1054] Narrator: You give the fake cactus a good lick. Pain-tastic!

[NARR1055] Narrator: Even though it's fake, you still manage to hurt yourself.

[NARR1056] Narrator: Your saliva is inadequate to put out the torch.

[NARR1057] Narrator: The torch won't fit in your pockets.

[NARR981] Narrator: The cave emits an eerie warmth from its cold surface. (Duplicate)

[NARR982] Narrator: You're standing in the heart of a large subterranean cavern where the Furkunz have set up camp. (Duplicate)

[NARR983] Narrator: The rocks here leave a nice lemony aftertaste. (Duplicate)

310 - Caves - Merf's Hut - Interior

[NARR1058] Narrator: You walk into Merf's house and are suddenly hit by the smell of metal. This man seems to like his electronic doodads. You better start sneaking though, lest you wake the Furkunz up.

Comment: "as adept as a common goon" - Quest for Glory reference. At least I think it was. Can't even find the phrase on Google now.

[NARR1059] Narrator: Oh yeah, your sneaking skill is at 0 - 'as adept as a common goon'. Guess we'll just have to hope he's a heavy sleeper.

[NARR1060] Narrator: Uh-oh, Roger. The safe was rigged with an alarm. This doesn't look good.

[NARR1061] Narrator: You'd better not hide in there, that's where Merf is coming from!

[NARR1062] Narrator: You see Merf hiding under his bed while your homemade ghost keeps ramming his nightstand. You'd better not interrupt them.

[NARR1063] Narrator: You peek into the safe and find just what you expected to see there - The Fortress Plans, in their full glory.

[NARR1064] Narrator: The safe is empty now.

[NARR1065] Narrator: You retrieve the fortress plans and tuck them in your pocket.

[NARR1066] Narrator: You close the safe.

[NARR1067] Narrator: You don't have time to dig through the safe! Merf's coming!

[NARR1068] Narrator: You try to do a cool whistle at the contents of the safe, but fail and just sort of spit awkwardly.

[NARR1069] Narrator: The safe is pick-proof.

[NARR1070] Narrator: With your luck, you'd just damage the display - and then you'd never be able to open the safe.

[NARR1071] Narrator: Nothing you have will open this safe.

[NARR1072] Narrator: These look like a pair of used gravity boots with some pinkish spots on them. Closer observation reveals them as Klingon blood.

[NARR1073] Narrator: Nope, that's not the traitor you're after.

[NARR1074] Narrator: You think about alerting Spock of the evidence, but realize that Merf would hear you.

[NARR1075] Narrator: That is a Micro-Gravity Go-Po Stick. It allows you to counteract the forces of gravity and jump higher than you've ever gone before!

[NARR1076] Narrator: The label reads: Not for outdoor use.

[NARR1077] Narrator: The Go-Po stick tastes kinda sticky.

[NARR1078] Narrator: This is the Dandy Recipe Beamer, a miracle of modern technology. Bored of the same old thing, yet can't be bothered to find a shop? Just type in your ingredients into the beamer, and it will connect to the Dandy Recipe super computer and instantly beam the perfect recipe to you. You have to wonder how he managed to get hold of one of these, they aren't supposed to be sold yet.

[NARR1079] Narrator: You type in the name of every item in your inventory, curious to know what kind of meal you can make with them. Moments later, a print-out pops out.

[NARR1080] Narrator: No, Roger, the Dandy Recipe Beamer is meant for beaming recipes, not food.

[NARR1081] Narrator: It's a fairly new Nixxon Z-350 Pan-Dimensional Holo-camera with a 40-Minute Temporal Zoom and a Subspace Distortion Stabilizer Module. According to the ad, you could use one of these to get a properly focused hologram of an event you missed by simply having the camera record the past by going back in time.

[NARR1082] Narrator: The downside is that you need multiple degrees in Farnsworthian Physics just to understand how to turn that thing on. This particular one looks like it's been gathering dust for a while.

[NARR1083] Narrator: Don't push the buttons on that camera, Roger. 99.73%% of intelligent life in the known universe couldn't understand what they stand for, and you are by far no exception.

[NARR1084] Narrator: Don't try to holograph your tongue, Roger. You might get it stuck in a temporal vortex.

[NARR1085] Narrator: It's a Flingstolz P80 Eternal Fusion Battery, the longest-lasting of all regular household energy sources. It is said to last 1.026 expansion and contraction cycles of the entire universe - That's 0.004 more than the next leading brand!

[NARR1086] Narrator: Of course, on Merf's shelf, it just sits without a use.

[NARR1087] Narrator: The battery is too heavy for you to carry around.

[NARR1088] Narrator: You put your tongue between the two poles of the battery. It tickles.

[NARR1089] Narrator: It appears to be a roll of toilet paper with Chuck Norris facts written on it.

[NARR1090] Narrator: You rip off a piece of the toilet paper. It reads:

[NARR3000] Narrator: The first solar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

[NARR3001] Narrator: Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

[NARR3002] Narrator: Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

[NARR3003] Narrator: Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

[NARR3004] Narrator: Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

[NARR3005] Narrator: Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.

[NARR3006] Narrator: Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

[NARR3007] Narrator: Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

[NARR3008] Narrator: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

...All of it.

[NARR1091] Narrator: Oh, come on!

[NARR1092] Narrator: This robot arm somehow has an overwhelmingly annoying, uptight and wimpy feel to it.

[NARR1093] Narrator: Better leave that where it is. The Furkunz would probably appreciate you not being armed.

[NARR1094] Narrator: If this arm could talk, it'd be the most frustratingly inane conversation you've ever had. Including all the times you've talked to yourself.

[NARR1095] Narrator: It's a pair of X-Ray glasses. Coolness!

[NARR1096] Narrator: You lick the glasses, sustaining quite an amount of radiation in the process. Nice job.

[NARR1097] Narrator: It's a brain with a propeller! Your mind reels at the possibilities!

[NARR1098] Narrator: Don't pick up the brain propeller, Roger. The world is not ready for it yet.

[NARR1099] Narrator: For a while, you wonder whether it would be worse getting your tongue stuck between propeller blades or sticking it into a smelly, gooey brain. Then suddenly you realize you have the option of doing neither.

[NARR1100] Narrator: That's the best-looking box I've seen all day.

[NARR1101] Narrator: No way. Last time I did that, I got slapped.

[NARR1102] Narrator: Maybe later.

[NARR1103] Narrator: It's a box with a skull and 'Zed Leppelin rules!' scribbled on it.

[NARR1104] Narrator: Pulling aside one of the box's sides, you find a sequined latex jumpsuit with a removable crotch section. You decide to leave it where it is.

[NARR1105] Narrator: The paint on the box tastes vaguely lead-based. Your spine tingles as you lose some childhood memories.

[NARR1106] Narrator: It's one of those hoverboards. As a child you always wanted one, but your parents didn't think you could handle the responsibility of being cool.

[NARR1107] Narrator: You reach for the hoverboard, but realize it actually doubles as a support for the shelf and removing it might cause the whole thing to fall apart, so you leave it there.

[NARR1108] Narrator: You connect the tongue's wires to the battery and observe the contraption in action. It's kinda dull, so you just put it back.

[NARR1109] Narrator: It's a plastic tongue with wires. A lame attempt to come up with something as cool as brain with a propeller.

[NARR1110] Narrator: Sorry, there's no tongue-to-tongue action in this game!

[NARR1111] Narrator: It's a Binford 6100 three-in-one sewing machine, jumbo stapler gun and tongue piercer.

[NARR1112] Narrator: Don't turn it on, you'll wake up Merf.

[NARR1113] Narrator: Do we have to go through this every time you see a machine capable of tongue piercing, Roger?

[NARR1114] Narrator: It's a kryptonite-based heater, providing the necessary heat to counter the effect of the air conditioner.

[NARR1115] Narrator: Don't turn off the heater, the air conditioner would turn this place into an igloo.

[NARR1116] Narrator: You spit on the heater and watch the water sizzle away.

[NARR1117] Narrator: This looks like an air conditioning unit, cooling down the heat generated by the Kryptonite heater.

[NARR1118] Narrator: Don't turn off the air conditioner, the heater would turn this place into a sauna.

[NARR1119] Narrator: You expose your teeth to the cool air flow from the conditioner, but it's still not making you any cooler.

[NARR1120] Narrator: Looks like a pile of Merf's dirty laundry. I'd rather not go into details.

[NARR1121] Narrator: Don't touch that, you know where it's been.

[NARR1122] Narrator: There's no time to rock out right now. Maybe later.

[NARR1123] Narrator: That's not what they meant by 'playing a few licks'.

[NARR1124] Narrator: Hmm, this looks like a regular Imperial Probe Droid, only pimped up with some neon lights, hydraulics, vertical spoilers, chrome coating and circumferential side skirts. For these modifications to be possible, all internal sensors and electronics that defined the droid's purpose had to be removed, rendering it completely useless.

[NARR1125] Narrator: This is not the droid you are looking for. The droid you're looking for is smaller, has lots of cool apps and can store up to 1400 songs.

[NARR1126] Narrator: The posters all feature Feckham, the number one caveball player of all time. Looks like Merf's quite a fan.

[NARR1127] Narrator: You tear down one of the Feckham posters, lay it down on the ground, rub your feet on it for a while whilst performing some awkward dancing moves, build up some static electricity and zap the safe with your finger.

[NARR1128] Narrator: Nothing happens, so you return the poster to the wall exactly as it was.

[NARR1129] Narrator: You quietly cheer for Feckham and his seemingly never-ending record streak of successful third kickoffs.

[NARR1130] Narrator: A flashlight is lying in the middle of the mess there.

[NARR1131] Narrator: You reach out and grab the flashlight.

[NARR1132] Narrator: You try to retrieve the flashlight with your tongue, but come to the conclusion that utilizing your hands might be a more effective way.

[NARR223] Narrator: It's a can of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa 1997. These things have been extinct for years; you imagine Merf paid quite a pretty penny for this can.

[NARR1133] Narrator: Hmmm... these seem pretty 'out there.' In fact, they look very takeable without any possible repercussions. Heck, why not?

[NARR1134] Narrator: You test the can integrity with your teeth. That's solid can. 2 cavities tough to be precise.

[NARR1135] Narrator: You take a closer look at what you thought was a simple toy, but realize it's actually a living creature from an ancient alien race called the Taterhedds. You saw a documentary about them recently, where you learned that these practically immortal, yet helpless creatures are captured in large groups, brutally paralyzed against their will and sold off as toys all over the universe.

[NARR1136] Narrator: You shake the little creature's hand and wish him luck for the next few million years.

[NARR1137] Narrator: The taterhedd has been paralyzed and cannot talk back to you. Deep down, however, his eyes express millions of years of excruciating boredom and unalleviated itches.

[NARR1138] Narrator: It's a brand new GGC-2063 remote-controlled upright vacuum cleaner. Popular Janitronics didn't rate them very highly, due to their tendency to fall over in remote mode. The unbearable noise doesn't help much either.

[NARR1139] Narrator: It's a vacuum cleaner with a flashlight taped on top of it. Your mother would be proud.

[NARR1140] Narrator: Your latest contraption bears a striking resemblance to a cheap ghost.

[NARR1141] Narrator: Well, I'll be. The ghost actually worked! You should be free to operate the safe now.

[NARR1142] Narrator: You drag the vacuum cleaner into the middle of the room as quietly as possible and pick up its remote controller.

[NARR1143] Narrator: Don't turn on the vacuum, you'll wake Merf up.

[NARR1144] Narrator: It's still too early to turn it on.

[NARR1145] Narrator: That's not how you clean the machine.

[NARR1146] Narrator: You blow some air on the ghost and watch the blanket dangle about.

[NARR1147] Narrator: The vacuum cleaner is in the middle of a mess. Drag it out if you want to tinker with it.

[NARR1148] Narrator: You put the flashlight on top of the vacuum cleaner, but it just falls off.

[NARR1149] Narrator: You may be on to something here, but try applying the tape to whatever you want to stick to the vacuum cleaner instead.

[NARR1150] Narrator: You briefly consider if you can apply the highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass here, but in the end, you are unable to find a use for it.

[NARR1151] Narrator: You put the blanket on the vacuum cleaner and realize it would look kind of like a ghost if it were moving.

[NARR1152] Narrator: Unfortunately, it's too dark in here to really fool someone with it, so you remove the blanket.

[NARR1153] Narrator: Bingo! By covering the vacuum cleaner with a white blanket, it now looks like a ghost that might scare Merf away if he should wake up.

[NARR1154] Narrator: You tape the flashlight onto the vacuum cleaner and turn it on. The flashlight, not the cleaner, that is.

[NARR1155] Narrator: You can't attach that to the vacuum cleaner.

[NARR1156] Narrator: This appears to be Merf's safe. It looks pretty safe.

[NARR1157] Narrator: I know what you're thinking - that puzzle was so fun, let's do it again! Haha, bless your foolish little eyebrows, Roger. There are plenty more where that came from.

[NARR1158] Narrator: You spit some omni-gel on the safe and wait for it to unlock. However, you soon realize that what you believed to be omni-gel is, in fact, just your saliva.

[NARR1159] Narrator: Merf's hut feels sleazy.

[NARR1160] Narrator: The interior of Merf's hut is fashioned with imported clay and designer cinder blocks.

[NARR1161] Narrator: Ssshhh! Don't wake Merf!

[NARR1069] Narrator: The safe is pick-proof. (Duplicate)

[NARR1070] Narrator: With your luck, you'd just damage the display - and then you'd never be able to open the safe. (Duplicate)

[NARR1162] Narrator: You consider using the sharp piece of highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass to cut through the reinforced steel.

[NARR1163] Narrator: Unfortunately, only moderately reflective Nonuple-Thick Poly-Morphed Windshield Glass has that property, rendering your speculations futile.

[NARR1071] Narrator: Nothing you have will open this safe. (Duplicate)

[NARR1164] Narrator: In this light, you can't really see what this is, but you want it.

[NARR1165] Narrator: You run your hands across the black box and leave your fingerprints everywhere. Smooth.

[NARR1166] Narrator: You have absolutely nothing to say to it.

[NARR1167] Narrator: Shiver me timbers - that be a horrific display o' bad taste!

[NARR1168] Narrator: Better leave it. That blade does look pretty dull, but knowing you, you could still wind up bleeding to death.

[NARR1169] Narrator: Even with your obvious lack of stealth, you wisely note that shouting 'ARRRRRR' right now is a fairly bad idea.

311 - Caves - Merf's Hut - Safe

[NARR1170] Narrator: Typing some words in at this point might be a good idea.

[NARR1171] Narrator: I suppose that's a little too obvious.

[NARR1172] Narrator: I guess sometimes the obvious hints are wrong.

[NARR1173] Narrator: Trying that one seemed like a stroke of genius, but alas, Merf is way ahead of you!

[NARR1174] Narrator: Be careful, Roger. You are dealing with somebody with the power of abstract thought!

[NARR1175] Narrator: ...Wait, why exactly would his password be your name?

[NARR1176] Narrator: Hoy vay.

[NARR1177] Narrator: Merf wears his allegiance on his sleeve, but not on his screen.

[NARR1178] Narrator: Oh, come on, Roger! You eat chicken with those fingers?

[NARR1179] Narrator: Congratulations, you have just found the most boring Easter Egg ever. Me saying that, that was the Easter Egg. Was it worth it, Roger? Was it magic? Did it give you some kind of dizzying high? Get back to work, we have a safe to crack!

[NARR1180] Narrator: Whoo-oo! Yeah!

[NARR1181] Narrator: I don't think Merf's that much into breaking the fourth wall.

[NARR1182] Narrator: Cool, it just shows up as stars to me. I didn't know IRC did that.

[NARR1183] Narrator: Yes, this is a safe. It is not, however, the password.

[NARR1184] Narrator: Hi!

[NARR1185] Narrator: Not a bad guess. Still wrong, though.

[NARR1186] Narrator: You're hacking a safe, not guessing a PIN code.

[NARR1187] Narrator: Testing... testing... testing... Nope, still locked.

[NARR1188] Narrator: This is a password field, not a command prompt.

[NARR1189] Narrator: Make me a sandwich!

[NARR3010] Narrator: You have successfully typed the name of an Irthnnbrinni fertility goddess. The microcircuitry remains unimpressed with your obscure knowledge.

[NARR3011] Narrator: The computer cannot make sense of the gibberish you just typed. Neither can I for that matter.

[NARR3012] Narrator: Swing and a miss.

[NARR3013] Narrator: Sorry Roger, it looks like that guess was just too darn good to be right.

Comment: cheat sheet for reading out the number: "ninety-five quadrillion, four-hundred-and-twenty-eight trillion, nine-hundred-and-fifty-six billion, six hundred-and-sixty one million six hundred and eighty-two thousand, one hundred and seventy six.

[NARR3014] Narrator: Today's fun fact - the chance of correctly guessing this password is about 95,428,956,661,682,176 to 1 and that's as close to infinity as you can get before it gives you a restraining order. Have fun.

[NARR3015] Narrator: Computer says no. But not in so many words.

[NARR3016] Narrator: Raining down righteous fury against your keyboard with your eyes closed is no way to defeat the Mind of Merf!

[NARR3017] Narrator: Hmm, I haven't seen that one in the Andromedan dictionary.

[NARR3018] Narrator: What reason would he have to use Bil'nkzani curse words as his password? And how do you know so many?

[NARR3019] Narrator: Your success at guessing the password is equal to my surprise at your failure.

[NARR3020] Narrator: Rapidly mashing on random keys may work for hackers in movies, but not here.

[NARR1190] Narrator: And that's a bingo!

[NARR1191] Narrator: Wrong answer and/or question.

[NARR1192] Narrator: The password has now been reset.

[NARR1193] Narrator: It seems the primitive Furkunzanian memory is only capable of storing fifteen characters.

401 - Boot Camp - Cave Exit

[NARR1194] Narrator: This passageway leads back to the caves.

[NARR1195] Narrator: Hmm, even the laws of physics don't feel like talking to you today.

[NARR1196] Narrator: The camp is full of big, green tents - all of which are probably full of apemen.

[NARR1197] Narrator: You're not interested in the contents of this tent.

[NARR1198] Narrator: You spit on the tent, to show your disrespect to this entire institution.

[NARR1199] Narrator: You re-attach your fake moustache.

402 - Boot Camp - Entrance

[NARR1200] Narrator: Now that you're in the clear, you remove the fake moustache.

[NARR1201] Narrator: It's the tea that ate the spoon.

[NARR1202] Narrator: You have much yet to learn, young one.

[NARR1203] Narrator: Try talking to him first.

[NARR1204] Narrator: You point your finger at the tire tracks. Nobody notices.

[NARR1205] Narrator: There are heavy tire tracks in the snow, extending almost infinitely into the vast emptiness in the south. Must be left by supply trucks.

[NARR1206] Narrator: The snow in the tire tracks has a distinctly more rubbery taste than that of the surrounding snow.

[NARR1197] Narrator: You're not interested in the contents of this tent. (Duplicate)

[NARR1196] Narrator: The camp is full of big, green tents - all of which are probably full of apemen. (Duplicate)

[NARR1198] Narrator: You spit on the tent, to show your disrespect to this entire institution. (Duplicate)

[NARR1207] Narrator: It would be pretty mundane to climb the fence when the camp's entrance is right there.

[NARR1208] Narrator: The camp's perimeter ends here.

[NARR1209] Narrator: It would be pretty mundane to eat the fence when the camp's delicious entrance is right there.

[NARR1210] Narrator: You consider reaching in through the opening and fumbling your way around the controls that operate the barrier, but realize the guard probably wouldn't like that.

[NARR1211] Narrator: This looks like the guard post where the barrier blocking your way in is operated from.

[NARR1212] Narrator: The point is to address the person INSIDE the booth.

[NARR1213] Narrator: You can't move this by hand.

[NARR1214] Narrator: It's a lovely red/white striped barrier.

[NARR1215] Narrator: You can't chew through the barrier.

403 - Boot Camp - Forksmith's Ship

[NARR1216] Narrator: You wave your hand through the area where the ship used to be.

[NARR1217] Narrator: That's one sweet ship.

[NARR1218] Narrator: Now that Nelzo has gone off-planet with the General's ship, this area is ripe for the picking.

[NARR1219] Narrator: You should have done that while the ship was still here.

[NARR1220] Narrator: You pick the discarded air freshener off the ground. This is how you do all your deodorant shopping.

[NARR1221] Narrator: An air freshener has been discarded from Forksmith's ship. Guess Doc Nelzo doesn't like pine scents.

[NARR1222] Narrator: You breathe in the air freshener. You now have enough air to last you a life time.

[NARR1223] Narrator: The path ahead is blocked by more rocks. The only way around this boot camp will be through it.

404 - Boot Camp - Center

[NARR3118] Narrator: Five minutes later...

[NARR3119] Narrator: Another five minutes later...

[NARR3120] Narrator: Yet another five minutes later...

[NARR1224] Narrator: He's busy annoying his father.

[NARR1225] Narrator: He wouldn't be interested in that.

[NARR1226] Narrator: It's an alarm button. It looks awfully red and foreboding. The more you look at it, the more you want to press it.

[NARR1227] Narrator: There's no need to sound the alarm again.

[NARR1228] Narrator: Well, that didn't work.

[NARR1229] Narrator: These chairs seem to form the proverbial lounge of this camp.

[NARR1230] Narrator: You have no time to rest right now, Roger!

[NARR1231] Narrator: The chairs taste wet, moldy and cold.

[NARR1232] Narrator: This barrel functions as the heater in this waiting area.

[NARR1233] Narrator: You warm your hands over the barrel for a while.

[NARR1234] Narrator: You decide against eating the hot coals for various relatively obvious reasons.

[NARR1235] Narrator: This looks like the entrance to the medical tent.

[NARR1236] Narrator: Go inside if you wish to talk to the doctor.

405 - Boot Camp - Closet

[NARR1237] Narrator: It's a large and mysterious closet, with a large metal padlock preventing you from opening it.

[NARR1238] Narrator: It's a large and mysterious closet, waiting to be opened.

[NARR1239] Narrator: The apes are hiding something from Vohaul in there and keeping it for themselves. You couldn't tell what it was, but simply learning about it's existence was enough to earn you some leverage around the camp.

[NARR1240] Narrator: The closet has a large lock on it, you can't open it with your hands.

[NARR1241] Narrator: Ned might start freaking out if you keep opening the closet.

[NARR1242] Narrator: It tastes mysterious, much like everything else you eat.

[NARR1243] Narrator: The guard's trigger finger twitches as you bring the tea near the lock. Maybe you should lose him before trying this.

[NARR1244] Narrator: You take the cup of tea and pour it on the large lock keeping the closet shut. The lock dissolves and falls off.

[NARR1245] Narrator: The lock is too large for you to pick with a laminated piece of plastic.

[NARR1246] Narrator: Your skill level with lock-picking isn't high enough to take on a lock of this magnitude.

[NARR1247] Narrator: These keys only work on the General's ship.

[NARR1248] Narrator: It'll take something more powerful than that to get through the lock on this thing.

[NARR1249] Narrator: The closet is open, Roger - let's go!

[NARR1250] Narrator: Ooh, it's a Smarm vending machine! I've never seen one before, but there's a funny story behind the brand!

[NARR1251] Narrator: It was specially designed to be the most spilling drink ever, something that would burst out of the can with an enormous force, even without any shaking or mixing with FreshMaker(TM) candy.

[NARR1252] Narrator: But most contemporary soft drink cans could not withstand the pressure, so a whole new special extra-strong can had to be designed from a titanium alloy...

[NARR1253] Narrator: The creators of the brand had overlooked one thing, though - after bursting out of the can, there was never any drink left inside. After the initial pranking fad wore down, nobody would ever buy it to actually quench their thirst, and the brand turned out to be an enormous failure.

[NARR1254] Narrator: Oh, what? Yeah, I'm done.

[NARR1255] Narrator: You need to insert a coin if you wish to obtain a can.

[NARR1256] Narrator: You can't drink through the vending machine. Try inserting a coin.

[NARR1257] Narrator: The vending machines seem to be out of order, except for the Smarm one.

[NARR1258] Narrator: You have no need for these crates.

[NARR1259] Narrator: Some red crates seem to be scattered around the place here.

[NARR1260] Narrator: We already used up that joke.

[NARR1261] Narrator: You pop your last buckazoid in the vending machine and grab the can of Smarm it spits out.

[NARR1262] Narrator: These machines only accept currency.

[NARR1263] Narrator: Hmm, this one's out of order.

[NARR1262] Narrator: These machines only accept currency. (Duplicate)

406 - Boot Camp - Minilith

[NARR1264] Narrator: You climb up the manhole and close it shut behind you, as to not draw any more attention to your do-abouts.

[NARR1265] Narrator: The open portal to the sewer calls to you.

[NARR1266] Narrator: This lid is covering the entrance to the sewer.

[NARR1267] Narrator: You try to pry open the entrance to the sewers, but fail miserably.

[NARR1268] Narrator: You're not interested in anything on that side of the fence anymore.

[NARR1269] Narrator: Don't bother, it tastes just like any other manhole cover you've licked.

[NARR1270] Narrator: It's the mysterious minilith that the general has come to inspect.

[NARR1271] Narrator: You touch the minilith and feel slightly more intelligent for a second. Then you realize it was just static electricity.

[NARR1272] Narrator: The sewers conveniently run beneath the fence.

[NARR1273] Narrator: You can't reach it from this side.

[NARR1274] Narrator: This is the point of no return. You can't go back now.

[NARR1268] Narrator: You're not interested in anything on that side of the fence anymore. (Duplicate)

[NARR1275] Narrator: You can't quite reach the fortress from here yet.

[NARR1276] Narrator: That's Vohaul's fortress, right there behind that fence.

[NARR1277] Narrator: How do you know he wants the bone? Are you cheating?

[NARR1278] Narrator: There is no lock to open here.

[NARR1279] Narrator: Hmm, by holding the piece of viewshield glass at a certain angle you might just manage to catch some sunbeams and concentrate them on the weakest spot of the manhole cover in order to melt it through!

[NARR1280] Narrator: Of course, for this to work, Radon would need to be about twelve times closer to its sun, so you'd better not even bother.

[NARR1281] Narrator: The bone is too thick to wedge in under the lid.

[NARR1282] Narrator: Good idea, but you don't have enough tea to melt through the whole lid.

[NARR1283] Narrator: That won't get you inside the sewers.

[NARR1284] Narrator: The general's got some keys on his belt. You make sure no one's looking and obtain them.

[NARR1285] Narrator: You already took his keys, now leave him be.

[NARR1286] Narrator: There's General Forksmith. He just knocked himself unconscious with a bone.

[NARR1287] Narrator: Mouth to mouth resuscitation wouldn't work right now. Besides, he's an apeman. You'd get fur in your mouth again.

407 - Boot Camp - Fortress Gate

[NARR1288] Narrator: Wow, what an exciting job.

[NARR1289] Narrator: You mistakenly assume that these guards are here only for show and start making insulting gestures at them. Needless to say, they are not amused.

[NARR1268] Narrator: You're not interested in anything on that side of the fence anymore. (Duplicate)

[NARR1290] Narrator: That won't get you through the gate.

[NARR1268] Narrator: You're not interested in anything on that side of the fence anymore. (Duplicate)

[NARR1291] Narrator: A chain link fence being guarded by two lone and not too bright guards. This looks like your way to the fortress, Roger.

[NARR1268] Narrator: You're not interested in anything on that side of the fence anymore. (Duplicate)

[NARR1292] Narrator: You try to talk the gate into opening itself, but to no avail.

[NARR1268] Narrator: You're not interested in anything on that side of the fence anymore. (Duplicate)

[NARR1293] Narrator: The colonel's tent lies in this direction. It seems to be full of hi-tech machinery.

[NARR1294] Narrator: You spit in the colonel's tent. It lands in the snow.

[NARR1295] Narrator: That's Vohaul's fortress.

[NARR1296] Narrator: You'll have to get closer.

[NARR1297] Narrator: I'm almost there, Vohaul! Just you wait!

408 - Boot Camp - Colonel's Tent

[NARR1298] Narrator: The quarters of the Ape Colonel. Which is strange, considering it's the smallest tent around here.

[NARR1299] Narrator: You could probably knock the tent over if you tried, but it would most likely cause you a painful death at the hands of the Ape Colonel.

[NARR1300] Narrator: You attempt to blow the tent down with your breath, only to end up with even more drool on your uniform.

[NARR1301] Narrator: The dead animal head looks at you menacingly. One might wonder why you'd get the head stuffed that way.

[NARR1302] Narrator: Have you no respect for the dead?

[NARR1303] Narrator: A picture of a statue of a horned lady holding a book and torch, on some sort of a Radonian landscape. They say these are strangely often found on planets inhabited by apemen.

[NARR1304] Narrator: This old teleport chamber seems broken. Several disfigured dead flies populate its floor.

[NARR1305] Narrator: You'd better not. Remember what happened in Space Quest 5!

[NARR1306] Narrator: Nothing happens. This baby is done for good.

[NARR1307] Narrator: Bingo! This map shows you the deployment and objectives of the entire apemen army on Radon's surface. Too bad you can't make heads or tails of where you are on the map, not to mention any of the apes.

[NARR1308] Narrator: You're probably going to have to enroll yourself in Vohaul's Ape Army to get permission for that. Which probably wouldn't be much of a problem.

[NARR1309] Narrator: You really don't want to mess with the Colonel's belongings, so you wisely decide to leave it alone.

[NARR1310] Narrator: Konkey Dong! Boy, does this bring back memories of all the late nights you were mopping the floor at the local arcade, quietly peeking at all the cool kids playing this game.

[NARR1311] Narrator: You briefly consider spending the next few hours on this classic game when you realize that the Colonel would hardly approve of this and that Beatrice dearly needs your help!

[NARR1312] Narrator: There are a number of things in this galaxy you do not wish to put in your mouth. Konkey Dong is one of them.

[NARR1313] Narrator: Various top-secret documents lay strewn across the table, for everyone to see.

[NARR1314] Narrator: Leave them alone, Roger. I think this is what people mean when they talk about documents falling into the wrong hands.

[NARR1315] Narrator: Overcome with a sudden feeling of nausea when you remember how Captain Quirk once used you as his personal wastebasket, you decide to leave the papers alone.

[NARR1316] Narrator: You turn the dial around a bit and rock out before realizing that the radio is turned off.

[NARR1317] Narrator: As much as you'd like to chat again with that nice man who reads the weather forecast and seemed to ignore you for most of your childhood, there's no time for that now.

[NARR1318] Narrator: A lone bottle, probably Banana Beer, sits on top of the Konkey Dong game.

[NARR1319] Narrator: Ye cannot get ye flask!

[NARR1320] Narrator: Don't bother. It's empty.

[NARR1321] Narrator: This radio is broken.

[NARR1322] Narrator: You can't. It's broken.

[NARR1323] Narrator: Don't talk to the broken radio, Roger.

[NARR1324] Narrator: Dangit, this TV set seems disconnected. Now you're going to miss another episode of Top Warp - the show where they launch cars into reasonably priced stars.

[NARR1325] Narrator: You try pushing the on/off button, but nothing happens.

[NARR1326] Narrator: Some say that his actions are being controlled from outside our universe, and that on rare occasions, he may be seen talking to TV sets. All we know is, he's called Roger Wilco.

[NARR1327] Narrator: You have no idea what this machine is supposed to do, but those buttons sure look tempting!

[NARR1328] Narrator: Although there is a slight chance that your skill of pushing buttons would actually impress the Colonel, I'm going to ignore that idea.

[NARR1309] Narrator: You really don't want to mess with the Colonel's belongings, so you wisely decide to leave it alone. (Duplicate)

[NARR1329] Narrator: It's a hyper spanner.

[NARR1309] Narrator: You really don't want to mess with the Colonel's belongings, so you wisely decide to leave it alone. (Duplicate)

[NARR1330] Narrator: Even though that cheap dentist on the DeepShip swore by one, the hyper spanner is not recommendable as a dental tool.

[NARR1309] Narrator: You really don't want to mess with the Colonel's belongings, so you wisely decide to leave it alone. (Duplicate)

[NARR1331] Narrator: Even with your limited knowledge of weapons, you must admit that looks like some serious firepower!

[NARR1332] Narrator: A noble, but stupid idea.

[NARR1333] Narrator: A plant that looks as if it's made of some kind of organic ice. Must be Radonian.

[NARR1309] Narrator: You really don't want to mess with the Colonel's belongings, so you wisely decide to leave it alone. (Duplicate)

409 - Boot Camp - Dr. Nelzo's Tent

[NARR1334] Narrator: The good doctor doesn't want that.

[NARR1335] Narrator: This is the doctor's tent.

[NARR1336] Narrator: You don't want to cause the tent to collapse while you're inside.

[NARR1337] Narrator: Nothing in here responds to your voice imprint.

[NARR1338] Narrator: These two lamps provide most of the illumination in the doctor's tent.

[NARR1339] Narrator: You can't reach the lamps.

[NARR1340] Narrator: Your tongue can't reach that high.

[NARR1341] Narrator: This file cabinet probably holds the medical records of the entire ape army.

[NARR1342] Narrator: You rummage through the files looking for dirt on the ape army. Surprisingly, they're in pretty good shape. I guess picking bugs off each other actually pays off.

[NARR1343] Narrator: You make out with the filing cabinet for a while, but then decide it might be better if you just saw other people.

[NARR1344] Narrator: You can see two beds here. One of them has some relatively fresh bloodstains on it. How reassuring.

[NARR1345] Narrator: Right now is not a good time for a nap, Roger.

[NARR1346] Narrator: There are many places you will put your mouth. These beds are not one of them.

[NARR1347] Narrator: These seem to be from the faulty recalled series of Meditronix all-in-one portable emergency bots. They come equipped with a patient's health status monitor, defibrillator, IV drip, an artificial respirator and a dozen other things. Staying true to the 'if it's good for everything, it's good for nothing' rule, only up to two of its features would usually be functional at the same time.

[NARR1348] Narrator: You need to stop your heart before re-starting it. ...And that wasn't meant as a hint.

[NARR1349] Narrator: Nope. These aren't voice-activated either. This has been a very disappointing future.

[NARR1350] Narrator: Hey, your favorite show, 'Whose Spine Is It Anyway?' is on! It's a reality game show where a disguised creature with a backbone is put in a room with seven invertebrate aliens for a week and plays along as the rest try to figure out which one of them has the spine. Much hilarity, painful experiments and gruesome deaths of participants ensue!

[NARR1351] Narrator: Hmm, there's only one channel.

[NARR1352] Narrator: But he's just a blob of cosmic energy.

[NARR1353] Narrator: But they don't even have sleeves!

[NARR1354] Narrator: This seems to be an ancient assisted lateral propulsion device for the podiatrically challenged or injured.

[NARR1355] Narrator: Your feet are in a working condition at the moment.

[NARR1356] Narrator: Ooh, it's a Qodrac X-Ray Photo Chamber. Just step in, close the door, and ten seconds later you'll already be looking at your ribs! The Mark III series, such as the one here, was however found to be defective and potentially lethal sixty percent of the time.

[NARR1357] Narrator: Don't go in the death box, Roger.

[NARR1358] Narrator: Tee-hee! Your taste buds tickle!

[NARR1359] Narrator: Some bedpans have been stacked on top of each other here.

[NARR1360] Narrator: A bedpan is pretty low in the list of things you need to pick up right about now. Right between 'broken plastic door handle' and 'gopher lips'.

[NARR1361] Narrator: I don't even want to imagine what's going on in your head right now.

[NARR1362] Narrator: There's something strangely reassuring about the fact that Vohaul's army relies on the medical abilities of someone reading a copy of 'Medicine for Dummies'.

[NARR1363] Narrator: I think the doctor needs this book more than you do.

[NARR1364] Narrator: Mmm, a dentist's chair - everybody's favorite. Look, it even has some adorable bloodstains on it!

[NARR1365] Narrator: As much as you'd like to sit down and relax on the dentist's chair while the doctor comfortably drills your teeth, we don't have time for that.

[NARR1366] Narrator: Biting the dentist's chair? You have no comprehension of irony whatsoever, do you?

[NARR1367] Narrator: This drill seems to be the doctor's only tool for fixing any problems involving teeth. Or building materials.

[NARR1368] Narrator: The drill's battery is empty, so just leave it there.

[NARR1369] Narrator: You grab the drill and try to rummage around in your mouth with it for a while, but find its battery to be empty. Drat!

[NARR1370] Narrator: There's a cart with medical equipment here.

[NARR1371] Narrator: You don't need the equipment.

[NARR1372] Narrator: No, let's not eat the medical equipment.

[NARR1373] Narrator: You grab one of the gloves and blow air in it. Whee!

[NARR1374] Narrator: A pair of blue surgical gloves hang on the edge of the cart.

[NARR1375] Narrator: You don't need the gloves.

[NARR1376] Narrator: You shouldn't drink from a syringe if you don't know what's in it. Actually, you shouldn't be drinking from syringes at all. Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned cup?

[NARR1377] Narrator: A painful-looking syringe lies on top of the cart. Just looking at it brings back some bad memories.

[NARR1378] Narrator: While a sharp object might come in handy later, you'd rather not get it from a medical tent with this much blood lying around.

[NARR1378] Narrator: While a sharp object might come in handy later, you'd rather not get it from a medical tent with this much blood lying around. (Duplicate)

[NARR1379] Narrator: A bloody scalpel lies on a tray on top of the cart.

[NARR1380] Narrator: What are you now, Count Dracula?

[NARR1381] Narrator: You remind yourself to come back and eat this stretcher after you finish the game.

[NARR1382] Narrator: An old stretcher leans against the back wall. Or is that the front wall?

[NARR1383] Narrator: You consider sabotaging the stretcher to hamper the apeman army's recuperation efforts, but realize it's not really what you're after.

[NARR1384] Narrator: A surgical mask sits nearby. You wonder what Nelzo uses it for since he doesn't have a mouth.

[NARR1385] Narrator: It's traditional to be carrying it first.

410 - Sewers - Entrance

[NARR1386] Narrator: Against your better judgment, you take a big whiff of the sewers and are met with a slight burning sensation in your olfactory receptors that quickly disappears. You wonder if this has anything to do with that dizziness you're feeling.

[NARR1387] Narrator: You reapply the face mask.

[NARR1388] Narrator: The poisonous fumes finally start to take effect on your respiratory system. You decide now might be a good time to keel over and die.

[NARR1389] Narrator: Unfortunately, the air outside the mask is too thick to ventilate properly. You eventually asphyxiate on your own carbon dioxide and pass out, shortly followed by death.

[NARR1390] Narrator: You wear your makeshift gas mask.

[NARR1391] Narrator: You wear the surgical mask.

[NARR1392] Narrator: Unless somebody screwed up the universe while you were gone, this should lead you back to the surface.

[NARR1393] Narrator: You take off the face mask and put your moustache back on.

[NARR1394] Narrator: You put your tongue on the ladder. It doesn't stick, but you're now incapable of tasting salt.

[NARR1395] Narrator: Looks like an ordinary sewer. Should there be anyone out there who has any knowledge on the subject and can prove us wrong, please contact us.

[NARR1396] Narrator: Don't touch the sewer! You don't know where it has been!

[NARR1397] Narrator: You lick the sewer wall and finally prove that your intelligence is way below the average.

[NARR1398] Narrator: The spewters are sleeping. Unfortunately, much like every other lifeform, this does not stop them from emanating poisonous fumes.

[NARR1399] Narrator: Better not wake them. You've got enough problems as it is.

[NARR1400] Narrator: Sssh! Don't wake them, Roger! This is probably about as lucky as you're going to get for the rest of your life!

[NARR1401] Narrator: You successfully destroy your fingerprints. You also lose feeling in one of your elbows.

[NARR1402] Narrator: Mmmm. Tastes like... poo.

411 - Sewers - Passage

[NARR1395] Narrator: Looks like an ordinary sewer. Should there be anyone out there who has any knowledge on the subject and can prove us wrong, please contact us. (Duplicate)

[NARR1396] Narrator: Don't touch the sewer! You don't know where it has been! (Duplicate)

[NARR1397] Narrator: You lick the sewer wall and finally prove that your intelligence is way below the average. (Duplicate)

[NARR1403] Narrator: A large pipe runs across the ceiling into the next room.

[NARR1404] Narrator: You can't reach it from down here, so stop trying.

[NARR1405] Narrator: The mechanics required to get your mouth up there are beyond your neck's standard capabilities.

[NARR1406] Narrator: The plaque reads 'Little Nephew Linus. Got dropped as an egg; now his head's scrambled.'

[NARR1407] Narrator: You've already got one at home. You can't remember where you got it, but you know you don't need another.

[NARR1408] Narrator: You lick off some of the paint - a feeling not wholly unfamiliar to you.

[NARR1409] Narrator: Hey, it's the Three Penguins! These guys are really big on the opera circuit. Incidentally, this is the only opera-related piece of trivia you know.

[NARR1410] Narrator: You give the birds the bird. They don't appreciate the irony.

[NARR1411] Narrator: You sing for the penguins, but based on their silence, you are clearly not Antarctica's Next Idol.

[NARR1412] Narrator: It's a still photo from 'Happy Feet 245: I can't believe we made 244 of these!

[NARR1413] Narrator: You punch the painting for no apparent reason. Aren't hand cursors fun?

[NARR1414] Narrator: You snatch one of the penguins and put it in your mouth.

[NARR1415] Narrator: The gears inside the wall are connected to a valve for a pipe that runs up inside the wall and out over your head.

[NARR1416] Narrator: The Smarm can you have placed is currently blocking the gears from turning.

[NARR1417] Narrator: Blocking the gears with your hand would solve one problem, but create another.

[NARR1418] Narrator: You imagine the sound of cracking teeth and immediately lose your appetite.

[NARR1419] Narrator: Doing this might damage the mechanism on the other side. Why sabotage a potentially harmless device?

[NARR1420] Narrator: You don't want risk damaging this in the gears.

[NARR1421] Narrator: The plaque reads 'Dear Old Uncle Albert. Bravely got pushed off the cliff first; proved the water was shallow.'

[NARR1422] Narrator: The painting won't move any further.

[NARR1423] Narrator: Even if this painting could talk, it would mostly scream and squawk at you.

[NARR1424] Narrator: Ooh. Light. Pretty.

[NARR1425] Narrator: You get a slight buzz from touching the light, followed by an intense burning sensation.

[NARR1426] Narrator: You nibble on the lighting. We're clearly not making these solutions obvious enough.

[NARR1427] Narrator: You head back to the camp and clean yourself up.

[NARR1428] Narrator: It's fixed to the wall, and you don't feel like turning this into one of those puzzles where you need a crowbar to pry it off.

[NARR1429] Narrator: It says 'SEWER MAIN FLOOD GATE.' You wonder if this is one of those things that'll kill you.

[NARR1430] Narrator: You read the sign aloud. Now some nearby parasites think you're a dork.

412 - Sewers - Penguin Lair

Roger: I'm, uh, Roger Wilco, and I'm just trying to find a way around the gate. I didn't know anybody actually lived down here.

Penguin: And so we do! For you stand in the presence of The Penguin, king of the sewers and guardian of this passage!

[NARR1427] Narrator: You head back to the camp and clean yourself up. (Duplicate)

Roger: I'm willing to trade something in my pocket in exchange for safe passage through your sewers.

[NARR1427] Narrator: You head back to the camp and clean yourself up. (Duplicate)

Roger: There's bigger things going on than just you and me and we need to get this resolved ASAP.

Roger: You see, up on the surface, apes are plotting to overthrow the galaxy and my girlfriend's been kidnapped.

Penguin: Listen, if I pull this lever, you're just gonna come back down here and bother me again.

[NARR1427] Narrator: You head back to the camp and clean yourself up. (Duplicate)

[NARR1431] Narrator: The penguins stand idly by, as if they don't have anything better to do.

[NARR1432] Narrator: The birds are a little too cranky for you to be manhandling right now.

[NARR1433] Narrator: You grab one of the well-fed penguins and stick it in your pocket.

[NARR1434] Narrator: You don't need another penguin.

[NARR1435] Narrator: You don't speak penguin yet.

[NARR1436] Narrator: The birds stare at the can in bewilderment. Perhaps you should open it first?

[NARR1437] Narrator: You hold the can of anchovies out to some of the flightless birds. They hastily gobble it up and resume standing around doing nothing. They also seem much less perturbed than they were before.

[NARR1438] Narrator: Careful. Feeding penguins glass is considered animal cruelty in some parts of the galaxy.

[NARR1439] Narrator: The birds wouldn't be interested in that.

[NARR1440] Narrator: Several pipes above carry a variety of liquids throughout the understructure of the fortress.

[NARR1404] Narrator: You can't reach it from down here, so stop trying. (Duplicate)

[NARR1405] Narrator: The mechanics required to get your mouth up there are beyond your neck's standard capabilities. (Duplicate)

[NARR1441] Narrator: A broken pipe drips down onto the Penguin.

[NARR1442] Narrator: You can't fix this by hand.

[NARR1443] Narrator: A noble thought indeed, but catching that drip in your mouth may actually hinder your progress.

[NARR1444] Narrator: You don't blame the Penguin. You'd get one of these yourself if you had your own lair.

[NARR1445] Narrator: No time to ride the slide now. Maybe after saving the galaxy?

[NARR1446] Narrator: Don't do it. That slide could be made out of frozen anything.

[NARR1447] Narrator: There is a definite theme to the decor in this sewer...

[NARR1448] Narrator: Now isn't the time for tacky souvenirs.

[NARR1449] Narrator: You run your tongue over the canvas, and quickly realize this painting is a forgery - lead and arsenic-based paints fell out of fashion in the 28th century.

[NARR1450] Narrator: The Penguin may be foul, smelly, and covered in parasites, but he certainly has some fresh digs.

[NARR1451] Narrator: The Penguin's lair feels about as warm and inviting as an outhouse in winter.

[NARR1452] Narrator: There's a vague after-taste of air freshener. The Penguin must spray this place down every hour on the hour.

[NARR1424] Narrator: Ooh. Light. Pretty. (Duplicate)

[NARR1425] Narrator: You get a slight buzz from touching the light, followed by an intense burning sensation. (Duplicate)

[NARR1426] Narrator: You nibble on the lighting. We're clearly not making these solutions obvious enough. (Duplicate)

[NARR1453] Narrator: It appears to be frozen.

[NARR1454] Narrator: Would you like it if you stole YOUR martini?

[NARR1455] Narrator: It's not even 5 yet, Roger.

413 - Sewers - Waterfall

[NARR1395] Narrator: Looks like an ordinary sewer. Should there be anyone out there who has any knowledge on the subject and can prove us wrong, please contact us. (Duplicate)

[NARR1396] Narrator: Don't touch the sewer! You don't know where it has been! (Duplicate)

[NARR1397] Narrator: You lick the sewer wall and finally prove that your intelligence is way below the average. (Duplicate)

[NARR1456] Narrator: Years of frozen moisture and acidic residue have shaped this treacherous frozen cascade of sewage into an even more treacherous frozen cascade of sewage with sharp spikes at the bottom.

[NARR1457] Narrator: You don't feel like skee-balling that particular item into the sludge right away.

[NARR1458] Narrator: A thick layer of waste covers the feculent green water below.

[NARR1459] Narrator: You're pretty sure it's just as cold over there as it is here.

[NARR1460] Narrator: You'd rather not. Brainfreeze is not your style. Neither is eating frozen waste.

[NARR1461] Narrator: You're pretty sure falling in there would result in an untimely death.

[NARR1461] Narrator: You're pretty sure falling in there would result in an untimely death. (Duplicate)

[NARR1462] Narrator: Let's find out!

[NARR1463] Narrator: That's sounds like a great idea. Let's go drink from the river of poo!

[NARR1464] Narrator: An old rusted ladder - possibly leading to the surface?

[NARR1465] Narrator: You decide to brave the treacherous frozen falls by foot.

[NARR1466] Narrator: Ok. Let's see how that works out.

[NARR1467] Narrator: You did it, Roger! You've successfully navigated the deadly sewers and even got some snowboarding in. As you kiss goodbye to the wasteful depths, you return to the surface and your final confrontation with Sludge Vohaul.

414 - Fortress - Entrance

[NARR1468] Narrator: You try to squish the structure between your fingertips, but it's not as fun when the fortress is up in your grill like this.

[NARR1469] Narrator: Vohaul's fortress lurks ten feet off in the distance.

[NARR1470] Narrator: You taunt Vohaul one last time from a safe distance.

[NARR1471] Narrator: There it is. What are you waiting for?

[NARR1472] Narrator: The door's unlocked. You don't need to get anyone on the other side to unlock it.

500 - Fortress - Hologram Room

[NARR1473] Narrator: This is it, Roger! After braving the treacherous icy wastelands, infiltrating the simian ranks, and conquering the sewers, you've finally reached the fortress.

[NARR1474] Narrator: Before you sits Vohaul on his throne, but off to the sides are the Furkunz and the love of your life in mortal peril. Looks like this is where it's all going to come to an end.

Vohaul: Never mind, the important thing is, we are here now, and we shall settle this feud between us once and for all.

Vohaul: My chief scientist Never Kenezer has been overseeing the detonite excavations for quite some time.

Vohaul: See, you could end it all right here like you always do, so I decided to make things a little more difficult.

Vohaul: Did you really believe I'd be actually sitting right behind the fortress door, just waiting for you to show up?

Vohaul: For now, however, my guards will be escorting you to a holding area while we prepare for the next stage.

[NARR3121] Narrator: Meanwhile, on the moon...

501 - Fortress - Prison Cell

[NARR1475] Narrator: It seems the previous inhabitant of this cell had political views similar to yours. You are not alone, Roger!

[NARR1476] Narrator: Mmm, you can taste the vitriol.

[NARR1477] Narrator: You spread the improvised ochre across your fingertips, and immediately regret doing so.

[NARR1478] Narrator: The window offers you a beautiful view of the Radonian landscape.

[NARR1479] Narrator: You'll need to unchain yourself first.

[NARR1480] Narrator: Even if you could squeeze yourself through the bars, you would fall to your death on the other side.

[NARR1481] Narrator: The window tastes like your aunt's ashtray that you once licked. Having said that, you don't wish to experience that feeling again.

[NARR1482] Narrator: It's a crappy standard issue jail cot. Smells like your cat.

[NARR1483] Narrator: Grabbing the bedsheets, you realize there aren't any and that the mattress has been specially shaped to look like an unmade bed.

[NARR1484] Narrator: The cot tastes like your cat.

[NARR1485] Narrator: This grate won the 'Grate Of The Year' award at the big intergalactic annual GrateCon, 16 years ago.

[NARR1486] Narrator: The crate is cold to the touch. No, really.

[NARR1487] Narrator: It tastes grrrrrrrrrrate!

[NARR1488] Narrator: You can't see much of your neighbor, but I can tell you he looks rather intimidating.

[NARR1489] Narrator: You wave to the guy in the next cell. He doesn't see you through the wall.

[NARR1490] Narrator: He doesn't want to leave.

[NARR1479] Narrator: You'll need to unchain yourself first. (Duplicate)

[NARR1491] Narrator: It's one of them button dealies that opens things.

[NARR1479] Narrator: You'll need to unchain yourself first. (Duplicate)

[NARR1492] Narrator: The keypad is on the other side of the force field. It also just happens to be the only thing that said force field can be disabled with. If only the person who built this prison could have foreseen the irony!

[NARR1493] Narrator: It doesn't work now that you've broken it.

[NARR1494] Narrator: A bowl of old cereal sits on the shelf. You wonder if it's still edible.

[NARR1479] Narrator: You'll need to unchain yourself first. (Duplicate)

[NARR1495] Narrator: You take the spoon from the bowl, wipe it on your pants and then place it within a pocket upon the aforementioned pants.

[NARR1496] Narrator: The bowl of cereal is all out of spoons at the moment. Fortunately, you already have one!

[NARR1497] Narrator: Ohh, most clever, Roger! You eat the long-expired cereal, get a sudden stomach ache and pass out, hoping it would make the apes rush you into sickbay, giving you a chance to grab a syringe, stab the doctor, steal his clothes and use them as a disguise as you make your way out!

[NARR1498] Narrator: Of course, it's already too late when you realize that the apes just ran out because of the whole self-destruct thing and no one's coming to help you.

[NARR1499] Narrator: The other prisoner has created some noticeable damage to the architecture of this cell.

[NARR1500] Narrator: Inside the wall, you can see the back of the keypad.

[NARR1479] Narrator: You'll need to unchain yourself first. (Duplicate)

[NARR1501] Narrator: You don't want to wreck your fingernails digging through the concrete. You just got your manicure!

[NARR1502] Narrator: You reach inside the wall and rip out some wires from the back of the keypad. After a few minutes of trial and error, involving several minor electric shocks, you stumble upon a combination of short circuits that disables the force field.

[NARR1503] Narrator: There's only some insulation in the wall.

[NARR1504] Narrator: Ummm... right.

[NARR1505] Narrator: You lick the crack. I can't believe I just said that.

[NARR1506] Narrator: The wall is still too sturdy for you to dig through, Roger.

[NARR1507] Narrator: Well done! You've managed to excavate a tiny cubby-hole in the side of your cell!

[NARR1508] Narrator: You don't want to ruin your nice hole.

[NARR1509] Narrator: That won't help dig through the cement.

[NARR1508] Narrator: You don't want to ruin your nice hole. (Duplicate)

[NARR1510] Narrator: Those dastardly apes have left a rusty hacksaw in your cell. Clearly, it's not strong enough to cut through these chains...

[NARR1511] Narrator: ...but it might be able to cut through human bone!

[NARR1512] Narrator: Okay. The hacksaw is now yours. Use it wisely.

[NARR1513] Narrator: Your tongue can't reach that far. But your hand might. Try using your hand. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

[NARR1514] Narrator: Somehow, you always knew you'd be chained to a bed by a monkey someday.

[NARR1515] Narrator: You can't break chrome steel! Nothing can!

[NARR1516] Narrator: Chewing through the chain is a good way to lose a filling and not accomplish much else.

[NARR1517] Narrator: Just as you suspected, the blade is too dull to cut through chrome steel.

[NARR1518] Narrator: That won't break the chain.

[NARR1519] Narrator: Those dirty apes have chained you to a wooden bedpost. The cads!

[NARR1520] Narrator: You're not strong enough to break the post with your bare hands. Beatrice probably could, but not you.

[NARR1521] Narrator: You pick up some splinters with your tongue and add them to the other inventory that you never use.

[NARR1522] Narrator: Outsmarting the apes, you use the hacksaw to cut through the bedpost instead of your leg. Congratulations, you're free to go!

[NARR1523] Narrator: Oh yeah. Never mind.

[NARR1524] Narrator: Why are you using that on a bedpost? What could using anything on a bedpost possibly accomplish?

[NARR1525] Narrator: The prison feels cold and clammy to the touch.

[NARR1526] Narrator: This is the prison the apes use to keep trouble-makers like yourself from wandering around and touching all their stuff.

[NARR1527] Narrator: Hey, the acoustics in here are pretty good!

[NARR1479] Narrator: You'll need to unchain yourself first. (Duplicate)

[NARR1528] Narrator: You abduct the book.

[NARR1529] Narrator: The last prisoner to take up residence here apparently had some reading material. Good for him!

[NARR1530] Narrator: You've only been in prison for a few minutes, Roger. Keep your tongue where it is.

Jail Guard: Should you have any complaints, please let us know, and we'll be sure to have you shot.

[NARR1531] Narrator: Suddenly, an alarm is sounded from within the fortress and an announcement comes over the intercom.

Comment: Galaxy Quest reference. In the movie, the line was delivered with a monotone voice. Might also do a take with an unusually cheerful tone.

[NARR1532] Narrator: Well, Roger, looks like Lewdy has already started the self-destruct sequence. Better luck next time!

[NARR1533] Narrator: Oh, sorry. Go on then.

[NARR1534] Narrator: You wonder who Andy was and where he went.

[NARR1535] Narrator: Andy isn't here anymore, so calling out for him won't help.

502 - Fortress - Monorail Station

[NARR1536] Narrator: It's one of those ventilation shafts you've heard so much about. And look, this one comes with its own furry thing!

[NARR1537] Narrator: Looks like the fortress has its own private public transporation system.

[NARR1538] Narrator: You're already here.

[NARR1539] Narrator: Error: Destination unavailable during self-destruct sequence.

[NARR48] Narrator: That doesn't seem to be a valid code.

[NARR1540] Narrator: You decide not to test as to whether you can get mono from a monorail.

[NARR1537] Narrator: Looks like the fortress has its own private public transporation system. (Duplicate)

[NARR1540] Narrator: You decide not to test as to whether you can get mono from a monorail. (Duplicate)

[NARR1541] Narrator: There's a perfectly good monorail right there.

[NARR1542] Narrator: A complex system of monorails are rigged up throughout the fortress. Their general lack of activity might be due to the general lack of soldiers in the area. This is a good sign.

[NARR1543] Narrator: You can't inhale them from this distance.

[NARR1541] Narrator: There's a perfectly good monorail right there. (Duplicate)

[NARR1537] Narrator: Looks like the fortress has its own private public transporation system. (Duplicate)

[NARR1540] Narrator: You decide not to test as to whether you can get mono from a monorail. (Duplicate)

[NARR1544] Narrator: There's no time to sit down right now.

[NARR1545] Narrator: It's just an ordinary bench - there's nothing special about it.

[NARR1546] Narrator: I'm not sure what you were expecting, but this is not a voice-activated bench.

503 - Fortress - Shuttle Bay Hallway

[NARR1538] Narrator: You're already here. (Duplicate)

[NARR1539] Narrator: Error: Destination unavailable during self-destruct sequence. (Duplicate)

[NARR48] Narrator: That doesn't seem to be a valid code. (Duplicate)

[NARR1547] Narrator: It's the entrance to the shuttle bay.

[NARR1548] Narrator: You're not strong enough to manually override the door's hydraulic system.

[NARR1549] Narrator: Nothing happens. It's like talking to a door.

[NARR1550] Narrator: A loud piercing buzzing noise indicates your face is not allowed beyond this point.

[NARR1551] Narrator: With a high-pitched encouraging beep, the machine accepts your face and opens the door.

[NARR1552] Narrator: You've never used a face scanner before, have you?

[NARR1553] Narrator: You hold up the viewshield glass to the face scanner, in hopes that the laser readers will reflect back onto themselves, self-destruct, and open the door. Unfortunately, this is not the case. No one ever programmed this face scanner to self-destruct.

[NARR1554] Narrator: The only thing that will open this door is a scanned face.

[NARR1555] Narrator: In ape-tongue, this directly translates into 'Shuttle Bay.' You can imagine this might be confusing to other species in the event of a fire.

[NARR1556] Narrator: Leave it where it is.

[NARR1557] Narrator: You can't eat the sign, Roger.

[NARR1558] Narrator: It's your local source of light!

[NARR1559] Narrator: You burn your finger. Well done.

[NARR1560] Narrator: That's a good way to get a mouthful of glass, but surely there must be better ways.

[NARR1561] Narrator: You wonder if it's full of candy.

[NARR1562] Narrator: You have no means of breaking it open.

[NARR1563] Narrator: Yep. Metal. You'd know that flavor anywhere.

[NARR1564] Narrator: It feels a lot like your prison cell.

[NARR1565] Narrator: You're standing in a hallway outside the shuttle bay.

[NARR1566] Narrator: There's nobody here to talk to.

[NARR1567] Narrator: Where to, Roger?

[NARR1567] Narrator: Where to, Roger? (Duplicate)

504 - Fortress - Library/Archive

[NARR1538] Narrator: You're already here. (Duplicate)

[NARR1539] Narrator: Error: Destination unavailable during self-destruct sequence. (Duplicate)

[NARR48] Narrator: That doesn't seem to be a valid code. (Duplicate)

[NARR1567] Narrator: Where to, Roger? (Duplicate)

[NARR1568] Narrator: Hordes of books, files, and random archived accessories are crammed into storage containers through the room.

[NARR1569] Narrator: You're not entirely sure why there's a picture of pirates on the wall. You wonder if some ancient secret society left it here as a marker, and that if you carefully inspect the painting for clues, you'll find the location of secret buried treasure somewhere inside the fortress. Or maybe they just couldn't afford something nice.

[NARR1570] Narrator: Maybe that's what happened to the last mural?

[NARR1571] Narrator: Even though it is Interplanetary 'Talk Like A Pirate' Day, you're just not into the holiday spirit.

[NARR1572] Narrator: Yup. Lights!

[NARR1573] Narrator: You raise your hand to the light to see if some kind of genetically encrypted key appears on your palm. It doesn't, so you just pretend the ape didn't see anything.

[NARR1574] Narrator: This is one of many things you won't be eating in this game.

[NARR1575] Narrator: Looks like assorted trash ready to be carted out to parts unknown.

[NARR1576] Narrator: You rummage around in the trash bin and find a small piece of paper with four-digit codes written on it. How convenient that nothing else in this bin seems to grab your interest.

[NARR1577] Narrator: You rummage some more but only find junk. Yes, yes, we know - you normally take junk. But this is the bad kind of junk. The kind that will clutter your pockets and never come in handy later on. Does that make things easier for you?

[NARR1578] Narrator: The apeman watches you spit into the bin and maintains a quiet dignity. You're not very good at this friend-making thing, are you, Roger?

[NARR1579] Narrator: Hey! It's one of those old 20th-century thingies that scans documents and prints out a copy on another sheet of paper. If you recall history class correctly, they called it a toaster.

[NARR1580] Narrator: You don't need two copies of a book you already can't read.

[NARR1581] Narrator: A moment later, the machine spits out a nicely copied duplicate on goldenrod.

[NARR1582] Narrator: A moment later, the machine spits out such a better copy that you throw away the original and pocket this one instead.

[NARR1583] Narrator: You don't need any more copies.

[NARR1584] Narrator: You decide to duplicate the duplicate.

[NARR1582] Narrator: A moment later, the machine spits out such a better copy that you throw away the original and pocket this one instead. (Duplicate)

[NARR1585] Narrator: You don't need a copy of that.

[NARR1586] Narrator: The desk is cluttered with months of paperwork and documents still waiting to be checked into the archives.

[NARR1587] Narrator: The apeman says nothing, but you can tell he's plotting your demise.

[NARR1588] Narrator: It feels old and dusty. In fact, it's almost as if no one reads here at all! What the heck could be more exciting than the adventure of reading?

[NARR1589] Narrator: The amount of tomes in this old library imply that at one point, either the apes were avid readers, or they just spent a lot of time on typewriters trying to unsuccessfully recreate the works of William Shakespeare.

[NARR1590] Narrator: Yech! You regret that almost instantly. Almost.

[NARR1591] Narrator: I'm sure it's only items that would've been completely useless from now on anyway.

[NARR1592] Narrator: It says 'Roger's Stuff' on the side. What a coincidence! Your name is Roger AND you happen to be missing a bunch of stuff!

[NARR1593] Narrator: Your attempt to suck the box off the desk proves unsuccessful. Try again maybe?

507 - Fortress - Store

[NARR1538] Narrator: You're already here. (Duplicate)

[NARR1539] Narrator: Error: Destination unavailable during self-destruct sequence. (Duplicate)

[NARR48] Narrator: That doesn't seem to be a valid code. (Duplicate)

[NARR1594] Narrator: Welcome to the on-base store where apes can stop by for cigarettes, booze, snacks, and an assortment of other conveniences. Feel free to take advantage of all the cheap-as-free deals and diseases accumulating on the merchandise.

[NARR1595] Narrator: You feel an evil aura in here; someone died unnaturally in this room. You almost wish you didn't have a HAND cursor.

[NARR1596] Narrator: Eating everything in the supermarket might put a dent in the apes' operations, but you have better uses for your stomach.

[NARR1597] Narrator: For whatever reason, probably for some devious, Incredible Machine-esque puzzle, a fan has been positioned here.

[NARR1598] Narrator: Despite your tries, you fail to find an on/off switch.

[NARR1599] Narrator: If the fan was on, sticking your tongue in there would probably be one of the dumbest things you've ever done.

[NARR1600] Narrator: Its a set of walk-through detectors. You know, those things that prevent thieves from walking out with stolen items.

[NARR1601] Narrator: You're unable to set off these detectors manually. Guess you'll need something with one of those magnetic strips in it if you're really itchin' for a friskin'.

[NARR1602] Narrator: These bins are filled with banana-flavored grapes, banana-flavored kiwis, banana-flavored strawberries, and banana-flavored blueberries. It must be nice to have no attention span when it comes to food.

[NARR1603] Narrator: A lot of the fruit in the bin is way beyond the expiration dates. Unless you come across a puzzle where you need some flies, this fruit won't be of much use.

[NARR1604] Narrator: This fruit is not recommended for human consumption.

[NARR1605] Narrator: It's a roll of plastic bags, Roger.

[NARR1606] Narrator: You don't need these. You've got perfectly good pockets.

[NARR1607] Narrator: You try to tear one off with your teeth, but the bags' anti-bite system delivers a small volt of electricity through your body. Apparently, many people have tried this in the past.

[NARR1608] Narrator: Ooh! 'Get the black gumball, win a free movie rental!' That would be a great deal if this was a video store!

[NARR1609] Narrator: You stick your finger into the hole and fiddle around with the knob, failing to dislodge some loose gum.

[NARR1610] Narrator: You're fresh out of quartezoids.

[NARR1611] Narrator: Every form of food, candy, cleaning solvent, and chocolate syrup on these shelves is marked down 60 percent and contains at least 90 percent cardboard.

[NARR1612] Narrator: Don't bother buying any of this crap. It'll just be random fluff in your inventory that you won't be able to get rid of.

[NARR1613] Narrator: Kinda like that viewshield glass you're carrying.

[NARR1614] Narrator: Sure you will, Roger. Sure you will.

[NARR1615] Narrator: There's nothing edible AND safe to eat on these shelves.

[NARR1616] Narrator: This camera takes pictures of anyone caught tripping the alarm and sends the photo back through to the command room so they can put a warrant out for your arrest.

[NARR1617] Narrator: You wave at the camera. It doesn't respond.

[NARR1618] Narrator: You make funny faces at the camera. Considering no one's rushing in to kill you, you assume there's no one watching on the other side.

[NARR1619] Narrator: Hmmm... discount catnip. I guess even apes like to pamper their kitties.

[NARR1620] Narrator: Since the catnip bag seems almost cheap as free, you wonder if you can coerce the clerk into just giving it to you.

[NARR1621] Narrator: Some ne'er-do-well has already pilfered the last of these goods!

[NARR1622] Narrator: It has no effect on humans.

[NARR1623] Narrator: Ah, good. The camera's disabled. You should have no problem shoplifting from this place.

[NARR1624] Narrator: Well, you fixed the camera. The only question is: how are you going to shoplift anything now?

[NARR1625] Narrator: You hold the ends together, but they only come apart. If only there was some way to adhere two objects together somehow.

[NARR1626] Narrator: You can't tear the cord apart - it's covered in duct tape now.

[NARR1627] Narrator: Chewing on wires again? After LAST time?

[NARR1628] Narrator: You reconnect the two ends of the cord and apply plenty of duct tape, fixing the camera and thus making it much more difficult to steal from the store without getting caught.

[NARR1629] Narrator: That won't fix the wire.

[NARR1630] Narrator: Some people don't have pockets like you do, Roger.

[NARR1631] Narrator: You would, but someone stuck them together with gum.

[NARR1632] Narrator: Honing your killer shark instincts, you test the baskets with your mouth and determine they are not food.

[NARR1633] Narrator: Ooh! Quest Magazine! Your guide to all the latest adventure games coming out! This is their biggest issue since 1997 - three whole pages!

[NARR1634] Narrator: You would take the poster, but evolution has decided to permenantly fuse it to the counter.

[NARR1635] Narrator: Tastes like poster.

[NARR1636] Narrator: You're already looking at it. And hard!

[NARR1634] Narrator: You would take the poster, but evolution has decided to permenantly fuse it to the counter. (Duplicate)

[NARR1635] Narrator: Tastes like poster. (Duplicate)

[NARR1637] Narrator: Random cameras around the store send feedback to these televisions to inform the clerk of wrong-doings where the eye can't see.

[NARR1638] Narrator: These televisions are controlled from behind the counter.

[NARR1639] Narrator: You lick some dust off the TVs. They should really clean up more often around here.

[NARR1640] Narrator: Yup. Banana Beer. Saw that coming.

[NARR1641] Narrator: And I'm sure you'll get carded with those youthful looks of yours.

[NARR1642] Narrator: You lap up the condensation around the bottle necks, which later turns to be some kind of extraterrestrial disease, but we'll deal with that in a later game.

[NARR1643] Narrator: For years, cigarettes have been sporting the surgeon general's warning: "CIGARETTES WILL KILL YOU. THEY WILL MAKE YOU INHALE LITTLE EGGS THAT WILL HATCH IN YOUR LUNGS AND LITTLE WORM BABIES WILL CHEW THEIR WAY THROUGH YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS UNTIL YOU DIE IN THE MOST HORRIBLE UNDIGNIFIED WAY IMAGINABLE."

[NARR1644] Narrator: At first, it was put there just as a joke, but eventually, they really did start adding worm eggs.

[NARR1645] Narrator: Even so, the cigarettes still sell.

[NARR1646] Narrator: You don't need any death-sticks, Roger!

[NARR1647] Narrator: You'll go home and re-think your life!

[NARR1648] Narrator: Oh, yeah. Do that first, then go home and rethink your life.

[NARR1649] Narrator: Nope. This tobacco isn't for chewing.

[NARR1650] Narrator: This is a cash register.

[NARR1651] Narrator: You could probably get away with it too, but unfortunately, you need to buy something before the register opens and you don't have any money. Kind of a Catch-22, isn't it?

[NARR1652] Narrator: Your taste buds don't register anything.

[NARR1567] Narrator: Where to, Roger? (Duplicate)

508 - Fortress - Shuttle Bay

[NARR1653] Narrator: It's one of Vohaul's shuttles.

[NARR1654] Narrator: Hey! This inviting-looking wide-open door is just painted on! Who would do that?!

[NARR1655] Narrator: You write 'Roger Wilco was here!' on the side of the shuttle with your tongue. It tasted awful, but it was worth it.

[NARR1656] Narrator: You consider hot-wiring this thing and getting out of here, but you don't have the necessary Jedi reflexes to maneuver it out of that parking spot.

[NARR1657] Narrator: The apes found this ship crashed somewhere off the dunes near Mos Espa in only slightly better shape than the pilot was. I guess spinning wasn't such a good trick.

[NARR1658] Narrator: You stick your head in-between the power couplings. Now yourth thung is nhumhb.

[NARR1659] Narrator: This shuttle is locked.

[NARR1660] Narrator: This must be the apes' industrial iron for laundry day.

[NARR1661] Narrator: You wipe your mouth on the shuttle. You're really getting into this, aren't you?

[NARR1662] Narrator: You need a multi-pass to ride this taxi.

[NARR1663] Narrator: You can make out a faint woman-shaped seam welded into the roof of this vehicle. It seems the previous driver had a big fare fall into his lap that he couldn't resist. Well, either that, or she's in traction.

[NARR1664] Narrator: No need to call a taxi - one's already here.

[NARR1665] Narrator: The door's locked.

[NARR1666] Narrator: Does this mean the Jets and Sharks are friends now?

[NARR1667] Narrator: This ship is more likely to eat you.

[NARR1668] Narrator: Great. After you're done with that, I've got some furniture I need to move.

[NARR1669] Narrator: Looks like the milk man hasn't shown up yet.

[NARR1670] Narrator: You suck out some of the fuel and store it in your cheek pouches for a snack later on.

[NARR1671] Narrator: You twist the lever on the device and air immediately starts to escape. You close it again as to not depressurize whatever's inside.

[NARR1672] Narrator: There's a strange circular device leaning against the wall. You assume this is some kind of a miniature flying saucer.

[NARR1673] Narrator: You lick some dirt out from between the treads. Nope - wasn't one of your smarter ideas.

[NARR1674] Narrator: You need to get your feet up there first.

[NARR1675] Narrator: It would have been the largest if you hadn't decided to take one of your first dates to the 'Big Cannon Museum'.

[NARR1676] Narrator: It isn't voice-operated.

[NARR1677] Narrator: That's right, Roger! Never give up!

[NARR1678] Narrator: As you look up at the purple sky, you can't help but wonder what the atmosphere is made of, and what you've been breathing all along.

[NARR1679] Narrator: Jimi Hendrix, you are not.

[NARR1680] Narrator: Yeah, I'd like to see you fit that in your mouth.

[NARR1681] Narrator: You wonder if the apes hold rock concerts in here whenever Vohaul's not looking.

[NARR1682] Narrator: Maybe you should see about taking a shuttle before taking the whole bay.

[NARR1683] Narrator: This is the shuttle bay, and possibly your only escape out of here. A stairwell leads up to the command room from here, and a rather large cannon aimed at the moon sits nearby.

[NARR1684] Narrator: Two guards stand near the cannon. Luckily, they haven't spotted you yet.

[NARR1685] Narrator: This general area leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

[NARR1686] Narrator: You're too old to be playing fireman, Roger. And too accident-prone to be playing it with a hose full of explosive fuel.

[NARR1687] Narrator: There should really be pylons around that. Or at least a non-smoking sign.

[NARR1688] Narrator: Not without tequila and vodka!

[NARR1689] Narrator: The apes are ignorant to your presence, but the one with the gun looks like he's itching for a shooting.

[NARR1690] Narrator: You can't reach them from here. Not that you really want to.

[NARR1691] Narrator: Yelling at the apemen will only make them mad.

[NARR1692] Narrator: You should probably not try to draw their attention with that.

510 - Fortress - Shuttle Bay - Command Room

[NARR1693] Narrator: The shuttle bay's command room embodies everything you love about the modern day workforce.

[NARR1694] Narrator: At this point, touching anything in this room would actually clean your hands more than dirty them.

[NARR1695] Narrator: There's a perfectly good intercom right there. Try talking to that instead.

[NARR1696] Narrator: It's your favorite kind of chair! The red kind!

[NARR1697] Narrator: Now is not the time to enjoy sitting!

[NARR1698] Narrator: You soak up some ape sweat into your mouth. You're not sure how it'll help you but you can never be too careful. Or too healthy.

[NARR1699] Narrator: Looks like there's a console here

[NARR1700] Narrator: You cleverly place one on the button. Now you can hear your voice wherever you go.

[NARR1701] Narrator: Hey, you already did that! Trying to do something we didn't think of, eh?

[NARR1702] Narrator: You don't need to use them that way. Just speak them out.

[NARR1703] Narrator: You can't put that on the intercom system.

[NARR1704] Narrator: You push the 'COMLINK' button and begin to speak.

[NARR1705] Narrator: You remove the walkie-talkie to avoid any weird feedback and then speak.

[NARR1706] Narrator: The two guards are still out there and oblivious to your presence.

[NARR1707] Narrator: The place is empty! This is your chance to snoop!

[NARR1708] Narrator: Vandal!

[NARR1709] Narrator: Only Bea can do that high-pitched C, and you clearly remember what happened last time, don't you?

[NARR1710] Narrator: It's a locker.

[NARR1711] Narrator: The door is welded open for some reason. You won't be closing it anytime soon.

[NARR1712] Narrator: Hmmm... could use a little parmesan.

[NARR1713] Narrator: Uh-oh. The new Johnny Castaway pin-up calender's out and it's a bikini edition.

[NARR1714] Narrator: You flip over the calendar months looking for girly pictures, such is not the case here.

[NARR1715] Narrator: You nibble off a month from the calendar and save it for later.

[NARR1716] Narrator: Must be zero hour.

[NARR1717] Narrator: Nah. You don't even know the time anyways.

[NARR1718] Narrator: Time for a snack?

[NARR1719] Narrator: Oh, good. You were afraid you were going to miss the blue show!

[NARR1720] Narrator: No! This is your favorite show!

[NARR1721] Narrator: You lap up the dust from the screen and gather heavy static. The next metal thing you touch might kill you now.

[NARR1722] Narrator: Roger, are you thinking of a different puzzle that you already solved in an earlier game?

[NARR1723] Narrator: Hmmm... you remember that ship being parked outside Monolith Burger that one time someone bent off and swiped your vanity plate and bumper stickers.

[NARR1724] Narrator: You don't decide to reach up and take the ship. The ship decides whether YOU move away or towards it.

[NARR1725] Narrator: You'd need a taste-o-scope to determine this poster's flavor from down here.

[NARR1726] Narrator: Ooh! President's Choice! If the President's drinking it, it must be good!

[NARR1727] Narrator: You already had a can and squandered it foolishly. No more for you!

[NARR1728] Narrator: You lap up some condensation from the can. You're now a host for something! Congratulations!

[NARR1729] Narrator: A pair of outdated walkie-talkies lay unused in the locker.

[NARR1730] Narrator: Maybe you should take them before talking to them.

511 - Fortress - Shuttle Bay - Cannon

[NARR1731] Narrator: You noisily slip out of the capsule.

[NARR1732] Narrator: You deftly slip the photocopy into the inbox, avoiding any attention from the guards.

[NARR1689] Narrator: The apes are ignorant to your presence, but the one with the gun looks like he's itching for a shooting. (Duplicate)

[NARR1733] Narrator: You prepare to battle the apes with your bare hands.

[NARR1734] Narrator: Try that from outside the capsule. Who knows? You might get results.

[NARR1734] Narrator: Try that from outside the capsule. Who knows? You might get results. (Duplicate)

[NARR1735] Narrator: A cannon, some capsules, and a couple apemen. Good luck.

[NARR1736] Narrator: A cannon and some capsules. Good luck.

[NARR1737] Narrator: Considering the proximity of those apes, hijacking this cannon will take more than a hands-on approach.

[NARR1738] Narrator: You imitate some bird calls, but the guards remain unphased.

[NARR1739] Narrator: They're a bunch of big capsules, apparently used to ship cargo and personnel to Vohaul's moonbase. This one's full of laundry.

[NARR1740] Narrator: You open the capsule and slip inside amongst the dirty socks and jock straps.

[NARR1741] Narrator: Don't gnaw on the apemen's underwear, Roger

[NARR1742] Narrator: It's a console for the cannon. Apparently, this is how you fire it.

[NARR1743] Narrator: You have no idea what you're doing. These are controls built for a monkey.

[NARR1744] Narrator: It doesn't response to voice commands, so don't bother.

[NARR1745] Narrator: It's a cannon aimed right at the moon. Somehow this strikes you as significant.

[NARR1746] Narrator: You haven't the foggiest clue on how to fire this thing.

[NARR1747] Narrator: You won't be able to chew your way in.

[NARR1748] Narrator: You take the launch codes from the inbox.

[NARR1749] Narrator: There's nothing of interest in the inbox.

[NARR1750] Narrator: Leave the codes there. The apes will need them.

[NARR1751] Narrator: The inbox is full of manuals, warranties, and receipts for the cannon.

[NARR1752] Narrator: It also contains some launch codes for the guards.

[NARR1753] Narrator: It also now contains a copy of launch codes for the guards.

[NARR1754] Narrator: That's not a good way to accomplish anything you might ever have to do with an inbox.

[NARR1755] Narrator: You put the launch codes back inside the inbox. Upon doing so, you immediately forget all of them.

[NARR1756] Narrator: There's already a copy in the inbox.

[NARR1757] Narrator: Putting that in the inbox won't help anybody.

[NARR1758] Narrator: Maybe you should try that from inside the capsule.

[NARR397] Narrator: You spend a few minutes talking to yourself on the walkie-talkies before realizing how stupid this is.

[NARR1758] Narrator: Maybe you should try that from inside the capsule. (Duplicate)

[NARR1759] Narrator: You can't hide that in the pod.

512 - Fortress - Console

[NARR3122] Narrator: Is this the end of Roger Wilco?

[NARR3123] Narrator: Are you so bad at this game that you failed before it even started?

[NARR3124] Narrator: Oh, wait. Never mind.

[NARR3125] Narrator: They survived the crash.

[NARR3126] Narrator: Let's go take a look.

513 - Fortress - Virtual Reality

[NARR1760] Narrator: You cleverly burn Roger's face into the security clearance program. Roger should now be able to access more secure parts of the fortress.

[NARR1761] Narrator: It's the central nervous system for the Virtual Reality Interface. Better not mess around with this.

[NARR1762] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the Mainframe tastes like chicken.

[NARR1763] Narrator: Oops! You haven't given yourself permission to open this folder yet! Ironically, the option to give yourself that permission is only accessible from this very folder.

[NARR1764] Narrator: Files about bananas? These monkeys really have a one-track mind, don't they?

[NARR1765] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the Files About Bananas taste like... breakfast cereal?

[NARR1766] Narrator: The Wastebasket automatically empties itself, and makes sure to do it whenever you need that file you shouldn't have deleted.

[NARR1767] Narrator: Trash goes in here!

[NARR1768] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the Wastebasket tastes like apple juice.

[NARR1769] Narrator: It's your special virus program, Lewdy! In mere moments, this thing's gonna blow the entire fortress sky high!

[NARR1770] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that iDestroyEverything tastes like **ERROR**FLAVOR FORMAT NOT FOUND**

[NARR1771] Narrator: The FaceBurn program keeps track of all the security clearances in the fortress by using a facial recognition system. Just drop in a photo and they're good.

[NARR1772] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that FaceBurn tastes like Teriyaki Stirfry.

[NARR1773] Narrator: This program keeps tabs on all the security cameras around the fortress.

[NARR1774] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the Security Viewer tastes like chocolate pudding.

[NARR1775] Narrator: The program refuses to accept any commands. Looks like you'll have to shut this thing off at the source.

[NARR1776] Narrator: You don't have much time left!

[NARR1777] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the countdown to destruction tastes like creamed corn.

[NARR1778] Narrator: Don't bother with fingerprints; FaceBurn uses facial recognition to determine who gets security access.

[NARR1779] Narrator: Look at all the ugly ape faces! You wish you had a virtual pen so you could draw virtual moustaches on all of them.

[NARR1780] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the FaceBurn window tastes like pizzarogies.

[NARR1781] Narrator: A security window probably isn't the best place to leave fingerprints.

[NARR1782] Narrator: These must be photos taken by the security cameras whenever someone trips an alarm.

[NARR1783] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the Security Viewer window tastes like maple syrup.

[NARR1784] Narrator: Pushing this will close the currently open window.

[NARR1785] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the close button tastes like tobacco spit.

[NARR1786] Narrator: Ow! That burns! You almost forgot you put a virtual firewall around this thing.

[NARR1787] Narrator: Nah, he's good where he is.

[NARR1788] Narrator: You wonder how long Roger's had that french fry in his teeth.

[NARR1789] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that Roger tastes like cat urine.

[NARR1790] Narrator: This is your exit back to the real world!

[NARR1791] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the exit button tastes like watermelon.

[NARR1792] Narrator: You consider milking the virtual cows but then realize you've got a virtual intolerance towards virtual lactose.

[NARR1793] Narrator: You wonder which end of the cow goes to the bathroom.

[NARR1794] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the cows taste like steamed broccoli. I think an upgrade is in order.

[NARR1795] Narrator: It feels like a wooden background for a movie.

[NARR1796] Narrator: A blissful digital landscape that goes on for ages. You guess this is how some nerds account for going outside.

[NARR1797] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the wallpaper tastes like tomato soup.

[NARR1798] Narrator: Sorry, but the latest OS no longer supports customizable taskbars or anything else that was once convenient.

[NARR1799] Narrator: The taskbar looks empty now, but wait until happy hour rolls around.

[NARR1800] Narrator: The Virtual Reality Interface has determined that the taskbar tastes like yam sushi.

[NARR117] Narrator: Error: Incompatible programs

[NARR117] Narrator: Error: Incompatible programs (Duplicate)

[NARR1801] Narrator: Now that you've deleted the photo, Roger will have to take a new one. You should be more careful in the future.

[NARR1802] Narrator: The VR Mainframe disappears into the Wastebasket, taking Lewdy's mind with it.

[NARR1803] Narrator: Well done, Lewdy! You've stopped your own nefarious scheme! Now the apes are free to continue belittling your people! This Roger guy better know what he's doing.

599 - Fortress - Team Cameo Room

[NARR2824] Narrator: As you enter the room, you get a strange feeling that you're not supposed to be here.

[NARR2825] Narrator: Yes, you do. You feel like you should leave immediately.

[NARR2826] Narrator: No, I'm... go away.

[NARR2827] Narrator: Listen, I'll level with you... you just found an easter egg.

[NARR2828] Narrator: And if you don't want this to ruin your game experience, just turn around now and forget you saw anything.

[NARR2829] Narrator: I really hope you don't snore.

[NARR2830] Narrator: The least animated guy in the room is the animator Chris Ushko AKA Datadog.

[NARR2831] Narrator: This is Patrick C. Johnston AKA pcj, the producer. At the moment he's ironing out some bugs from the latest beta.

[NARR2832] Narrator: He can't optimize that.

[NARR2833] Narrator: This is Andres Kalle AKA mjomble. He and Chris did most of the writing for this game.

[NARR2834] Narrator: Don't touch that. You don't know where it's been.

[NARR2835] Narrator: Well, give me something better then.

[NARR2836] Narrator: This is Frederik Olsen AKA Olzen.

[NARR2837] Narrator: So... this is me, apparently.

[NARR2838] Narrator: Stop! You can't! This booth is the only thing maintaining my physical form!

[NARR2839] Narrator: If I come into contact with the outside world, reality itself could be torn asunder! All history erased! All life shred into oblivion!

[NARR2840] Narrator: Then kiss your ass good-bye.

[NARR2841] Narrator: The glass prevents you from doing that.

[NARR2842] Narrator: This is Martin de Montfort AKA Marty McFly, our background artist. He single-handedly created the entire game world around you.

[NARR2843] Narrator: You already found the easter egg. You don't need to take it with you.

[NARR2844] Narrator: You've discovered a hidden room within the fortress walls where game developers toil feverishly to finish this game before you finish it first.

[NARR2845] Narrator: The room tastes of marshmallow peeps, candy eggs, and chocolate bunnies.

[NARR1538] Narrator: You're already here. (Duplicate)

[NARR2846] Narrator: You can't use that there.

[NARR2847] Narrator: I'll give you a tiny hint: there were once 15 people working on this game.

[NARR2848] Narrator: I see you've noticed our recording studio. This, my friend, is where magic is made.

[NARR2849] Narrator: I wasn't talking about you.

[NARR2850] Narrator: Don't even consider knocking on the glass. If that makes it onto any recordings, Fred here will have me re-do everything because of 'audio quality issues'.

[NARR2851] Narrator: Are you going to do farting noises again?

[NARR2852] Narrator: Then my answer is no.

[NARR2853] Narrator: Oh, that's no costume. See the sign above you?

[NARR2854] Narrator: That guy was our lead programmer.

[NARR2855] Narrator: I'm sure we'd all be grateful if you didn't.

[NARR2856] Narrator: Try as you might, he can't hear you.

[NARR2857] Narrator: Don't; there's a reason why that stuff is in the trash.

[NARR2858] Narrator: And when I thought we had enough problems with papercuts already...

[NARR2859] Narrator: We hung that picture there to keep the team motivated.

[NARR2860] Narrator: As you may have figured out, it isn't working.

[NARR2861] Narrator: Leave it alone. You don't know how to operate any of it.

[NARR2862] Narrator: No.

[NARR2863] Narrator: You remember the last encounter you had with a tapeworm, and wisely decide not to lick the reels.

[NARR2864] Narrator: Needless to say, you don't know this luxury tech very well.

[NARR2865] Narrator: Licking paint is fairly bad for your health. Stick to the occasional cleaning solvent.

[NARR2866] Narrator: This blue cup is actually a reference. You figure it out!

[NARR2867] Narrator: Don't drink mjomble's tea. He doesn't know where he's been.

[NARR2868] Narrator: This lean and mean beast is the mainframe used to assemble the game.

[NARR2869] Narrator: I hope the irony is registering.

[NARR2870] Narrator: Sorry, but nobody touches this apart from Patrick.

[NARR2871] Narrator: This camera is just a cardboard standee. No rental place trusted their equipment around these guys.

[NARR2872] Narrator: That's how we make the graphics. True story.

[NARR2873] Narrator: Great. Now because of your saliva, these guys can't get their deposit back.

[NARR2874] Narrator: A wiki page is open with the words TO-DO on it. Chris seems to be replacing all the text with capital letters and profanities.

[NARR2875] Narrator: Don't touch that! It's doing a batch render! For a different game!

601 - Moon - Landing Area

[NARR1805] Narrator: You have no idea what that just did, but considering you're standing on top of the landing dampener, you don't envy the next person who gets shot to the moon.

[NARR1806] Narrator: This is the gravity dampener pad that makes sure the capsules don't break when landing nor burn up in what little atmosphere the moon has. In essence, this pad just saved your life, Roger.

[NARR1807] Narrator: The gravity dampener feels damp.

[NARR1808] Narrator: You put your head above the gravity dampener and feel slightly light-headed.

[NARR1809] Narrator: Off in the distance is the oblongated star of Helion VIII. Thanks to the coincidental positioning of that pole and the camera angle, it vaguely resembles a lamppost.

[NARR1810] Narrator: You can't reach that star just yet but keep on trying.

[NARR1811] Narrator: Thank you, light, for showing me the way. But now I must go on alone. Fare thee well.

[NARR1812] Narrator: It's a ventilation shaft that could very well be your only ticket into the base, if those unbreakable bars weren't in the way.

[NARR1813] Narrator: In order to gain the superhuman strength needed to break these bars and enter the moonbase, you must first go on an impossible sidequest to your Fortress of Cleanliness in order to battle your father's ghost and regain your Xenonian powers.

[NARR1814] Narrator: Or find the alternative and less challenging solution to this puzzle.

[NARR1815] Narrator: Your teeth have no effect on the bars!

[NARR1816] Narrator: You are finally on the moon! Now what?

[NARR1817] Narrator: The moon's landing pad is insanely cold. Possibly because you're on the moon.

[NARR1818] Narrator: This moon tastes nothing like cheese! Cartoons LIED to you, Roger!

[NARR1819] Narrator: Leave it alone, Roger. It's already served its purpose. Now you must serve YOURS.

[NARR1820] Narrator: You wonder where all the other capsules land.

[NARR1821] Narrator: You already had your mouth full of laundry on the way up.

602 - Moon - Dweeble's Shop - Exterior

[NARR1822] Narrator: Curses! It's attached to the building with some kind of bizarre alien fastening devices!

[NARR1823] Narrator: Shut up!

[NARR1824] Narrator: 'Blown Away's' glowing neon sign can clearly be seen from across the moon. You imagine the apes are aware of this business. They just choose to ignore it.

[NARR1825] Narrator: You'd have to be 50 feet tall before that command could even begin to make sense to me.

[NARR1826] Narrator: The light is firmly grounded in the moon. You won't be collecting this anytime soon.

[NARR1827] Narrator: The red kryptonite light casts a cool red glow over the front entrance. It also causes passing Kryptonians to turn into horny teenagers and make out in front of the store from time to time.

[NARR1828] Narrator: You scrunch up your face trying to figure out how you can use it to interact with the lamp post.

[NARR1829] Narrator: It's the front door of this establishment.

[NARR1830] Narrator: You lick the door. Unsurprisingly, this does nothing for your self-esteem.

[NARR1831] Narrator: You can only take what's INSIDE the building.

[NARR1832] Narrator: It's 'Blown Away', the most popular 24-hour military surplus chain from across the galaxy.

[NARR1833] Narrator: How do they stay ahead of the competition? Is it because they sell subatomic weapons of mass destruction at insanely volatile prices? Or what about the continental morning breakfasts from their bomb shelters out back? Or maybe it's just the simple fact that they're not afraid to lob hand grenades through the competitors' windows. No matter what, it's the only commercial establishment within a thousand miles of here, so you'll have to make do with whatever they've got.

[NARR1834] Narrator: You regurgitate a little food for the the building, but it rejects your offer.

[NARR1835] Narrator: You reach around inside the crater looking for treasure, but find only hidden ape girly mags.

[NARR1836] Narrator: Craters! On the moon! How exciting!

[NARR1837] Narrator: You blow in one crater, hoping your breath will come out the other. Such is not the case.

603 - Moon - Dweeble's Shop - Interior

[NARR1838] Narrator: Careful, Roger. This poster is probably rigged to explode if tampered with.

[NARR1839] Narrator: Something tells you this sign isn't meant to be funny.

[NARR1840] Narrator: You'd rather not lick the poster given its proximity to the biological weapons in this place.

[NARR1841] Narrator: This is not the time or place to check your e-mail.

[NARR1842] Narrator: You wonder if he's playing Minesweeper.

[NARR1843] Narrator: Dweeble doesn't take kindly to people licking his computer around these parts.

[NARR1844] Narrator: These weapons are outside your price range and shoplifting doesn't seem like a wise decision in this place.

[NARR1845] Narrator: There's enough weaponry behind the counter to fuel a small revolution.

[NARR1846] Narrator: Just because you lick it doesn't make it yours.

[NARR1847] Narrator: Poke them all you want, these barrels are only designed to explode when shot at.

[NARR1848] Narrator: Many action-shooters always have a surplus of unexploded exploding barrels which Dweeble sells at discount price.

[NARR1849] Narrator: Don't bother. Combustible fluids always give you gas.

[NARR1850] Narrator: As usual, the proper protective equipment is just out of your price range. Guess you'll have to settle with a cooking pot for now.

[NARR1851] Narrator: Given your track record, you should really wear these more often, Roger.

[NARR1852] Narrator: Let's not use your mouth on the helmets and say we did.

[NARR1853] Narrator: These weapons are within your price range, but beyond your skill level. In fact, just picking any of them up could result in a disastrous fatality.

[NARR1854] Narrator: Ah, the bargain bin - sometimes you forget there's whole other stores beyond these things.

[NARR1855] Narrator: You bit your own tongue nine times since you got here. Let's not risk licking the dangerous weapons, shall we?

[NARR1856] Narrator: Okay, you take the unstable ordinance and then you put it back. That was an easy puzzle.

[NARR1857] Narrator: An unexploded shell sits precariously over the door. You don't want to be around when that shelving gives out.

[NARR1858] Narrator: It's not like catching falling snowflakes, Roger.

[NARR1859] Narrator: Unfortunately, the design of this weapon is so heavy and cumbersome that it can only be properly handled by a machine - which is the farthest possible notion from a comforting thought.

[NARR1860] Narrator: It's the Rapture 9000! You could clear out a small country with one of these babies!

[NARR1861] Narrator: Sure, just fire off a few rounds in here! What can go wrong?

[NARR1862] Narrator: They're bazookas; the funniest-named pieces of deadly artillery ever manufactured!

[NARR1863] Narrator: They have a chalky bubblegum aftertaste.

[NARR1864] Narrator: You break one of the crates open and the contents spill out all the floor. You end up spending the next several hours cleaning up the mess at gunpoint. Soon afterwards, the contents are placed into a new identical crate and life goes on as if nothing ever happened.

[NARR1865] Narrator: The crates are loaded with health-packs, power-ups, extra ammo, and all those other things you never use in games like this.

[NARR1866] Narrator: You bite down on the wooden crate. Dweeble watches, but doesn't stop you or even say anything. Now you're feeling uncomfortable!

[NARR1867] Narrator: You push the sign over. Dweeble picks it back up.

[NARR1868] Narrator: You wonder if Beatrice's birthday is coming up...

[NARR1869] Narrator: You eat the sign. Dweeble, fully prepared for this, puts a new one back in its place.

[NARR1870] Narrator: You wonder where this leads!

[NARR1871] Narrator: You breathe on the window and write somebody's name in it. Elsewhere, a certain king of Daventry is having a bad acid trip.

[NARR1872] Narrator: Don't touch that! It might be booby-trapped!

[NARR1873] Narrator: Yowzers! This weapon shop has everything one would ever need to survive a zombie apocalypse!

[NARR1874] Narrator: You love the taste of gunpowder in the morning!

[NARR1875] Narrator: Don't break the Gosper's Glider Gun, Roger. You'll ruin the whole joke for the five players who would get it.

[NARR1876] Narrator: The Gosper's Glider Gun seems different from all the other weapons on sale here, and for a number of reasons. Firstly, it shoots out entire spaceships at a quarter of the speed of light. Secondly, its ammunition is infinite. Thirdly, it's just a mathematical concept that does no actual damage to physical objects. Some believe the latter to be a contributing factor to its low rate of success in the weapons market.

[NARR1877] Narrator: Sure, we all know that gliders aren't as dirty as puffer trains, but that doesn't mean it's safe to lick the gun.

[NARR1878] Narrator: BONK!

605 - Moon - Giant Cat

[NARR1879] Narrator: The cat's already turned off.

[NARR1880] Narrator: That catnip bomb worked rather well.

[NARR1881] Narrator: That's one big pu...ddytat. Yeah.

[NARR1882] Narrator: Leave him. He's happy.

[NARR1883] Narrator: You muster up all your courage. It all comes down to this, Roger. You and a cat. Sure, it might be fifty-feet tall and shoot lasers out of it's eyes, but you've got something it'll never have. You know what I'm talking about, don't know?

[NARR1884] Narrator: That's right - a purpose. You were put in this universe for a purpose and that purpose is destroy Vohaul, save your girl, and make the universe a safer place. There is no way you going to let a stupid cat stand in your way now! Screw your courage to the sticking place, Roger - this is your time to shine! Now kill that cat!

[NARR1102] Narrator: Maybe later. (Duplicate)

[NARR1885] Narrator: It seems the cat's a little too grenade-proof for that to work.

[NARR1886] Narrator: The bag of catnip lands harmlessly at the cat's feet.

[NARR1887] Narrator: That won't defeat a giant cat!

[NARR1882] Narrator: Leave him. He's happy. (Duplicate)

[NARR1888] Narrator: No one is manning the towers. This is the kind of work ethic you should expect when you pay your employees with peanuts.

[NARR1889] Narrator: Exactly.

[NARR1890] Narrator: There's no way to enter these towers from out here, and you're pretty sure you're not going to find a way in from the inside either.

[NARR1891] Narrator: You call up to the towers and order them to open the gates, but nobody responds. That's probably for the best. You're supposed to be keeping a low profile, Roger.

[NARR1892] Narrator: There's a giant ball of yarn over there, conveniently blocking passage to whatever is in that direction.

[NARR1893] Narrator: It's tempting to play with, but you have a job to do. Maybe later.

[NARR1894] Narrator: You floss your teeth, losing a few in the process.

[NARR1895] Narrator: You don't know why people bother buying their giants cats such expensive toys when they're happy enough with giant balls of string.

[NARR1896] Narrator: You can come back and take the toys when you're several stories taller.

[NARR1897] Narrator: You chew on the chew toy, making this the first instance where that mouth cursor is actually being used properly.

[NARR1898] Narrator: The front wall of the fortress is guarded by a gigantic cat. You're not sure what the significance of this is.

[NARR1899] Narrator: Aside of doing away with this cat, there's not much else to accomplish here.

[NARR1900] Narrator: This area is not open to your musings.

606 - Moon - Base Entrance

[NARR1901] Narrator: It's the front door.

[NARR1902] Narrator: You knock at the door.

[NARR1903] Narrator: There's no other way of opening this door.

[NARR1904] Narrator: Aha! A vent! Could this be your way in, or is this yet another clever ruse?

[NARR1905] Narrator: The vent is welded shut. You won't be opening it from this side.

[NARR1906] Narrator: It says 'Pike Off' for those who are hard of reading in the audience.

[NARR1907] Narrator: You peek under the doormat and see millions of keys. Unfortunately, this door doesn't seem to have a keyhole, so you don't bother taking any of them.

[NARR1908] Narrator: As you utter these words, a cold violent shudder careens down your spine and paralyzes you with terror. You fall to your knees clutching your soul in agony.

[NARR1909] Narrator: After what seems like several minutes of screamless nightmares, the freezing shimmer fades back into the distant future from whence it came. You stand up and brush yourself off from that horrifying experience.

[NARR1910] Narrator: That's a question better saved for another adventure, Roger.

[NARR1911] Narrator: The apes have filled these craters with toxic waste from their engineering facilities, just to make the entrance look cooler and more ominous. I guess no race will ever be fully satisfied until they've ruined every orbiting satellite in their solar system.

[NARR1912] Narrator: You'd gladly throw in a spider and use the radioactive waste to mutate yourself into some kind of superhero if there wasn't a 99.99%% chance of radiation poisoning.

[NARR1913] Narrator: You consider drinking the boiling green fluid, but something about the smell vaguely reminds you of some tea you almost drank earlier.

[NARR1914] Narrator: The front entrance doesn't seem to be very well guarded. You should be able to move around here quite freely without concern for your own health.

[NARR1915] Narrator: You interact with that general area and get yet another disease.

[NARR1916] Narrator: You take a deep breath and get yet another disease.

[NARR1917] Narrator: Vohaul got this little guy at a criminal auction, shortly after a famous crime boss got strangled at the hands of his own concubine.

[NARR1918] Narrator: Fortunately, the droid is not fastened tightly to its post. You snap its head off and put in your pocket.

[NARR1919] Narrator: Well, that turned out productive.

[NARR1920] Narrator: The Door Droid doesn't accept bribes.

607 - Moon - Office Window

[NARR1921] Narrator: Nothing happens.

[NARR1922] Narrator: It appears to be some kind of orifice in the side of the building.

[NARR1923] Narrator: There is no reply.

[NARR1924] Narrator: The goo-encrusted pipe system runs along the walls of the fortress. At some point, this place must have handled chemical waste.

[NARR1925] Narrator: You consider chewing off some of the encrusted waste, but there's just too many things that could go wrong with that plan.

[NARR1926] Narrator: Hmmm... goo.

[NARR1927] Narrator: It feels sticky and rubbery. It also slightly tingles.

[NARR1928] Narrator: You do and wish you hadn't.

[NARR1929] Narrator: You're standing outside a window leading inside the fortress. Nothing much else captures your attention here.

[NARR1930] Narrator: You search around the area and come up empty-handed.

608 - Moon - Never's Office

[NARR1931] Narrator: A cleaner droid casually scuttles out of the office as you climb in from the window.

[NARR1932] Narrator: Never has quite an impressive collection of literature on his shelves.

[NARR1933] Narrator: You read the first page of 'A Tale of Two Rather Small Villages'

[NARR1934] Narrator: It was the somewhat okay of times, it was the less-than-average of times,
it was the age of brain smarts, it was the age of brain farts,
it was the epoch of relief, it was the epoch of bad bowels,
it was the season of light showers, it was the season of mild overcast,

[NARR1935] Narrator: It was the spring of huzzah, it was the winter of oh-noez,
we had a weekend before us, we had Monday after that,
we were all going to work, we were all going home,
And then we used a timepod to go between two time periods,
which complicated this all much more than it was worth.

[NARR1936] Narrator: You find a book called 'Understand Your Minion: The Day In the Life of an Anonymous Thug.'

[NARR1937] Narrator: Is your minion a thing? Yes! Yet at the same time - no! Remember that your anonymous thug, despite the number you have given him and the distinct lack of individuality you instill in him, still has feelings.

[NARR1938] Narrator: Anonymous Thugs need to be understood. Remember that a thug still goes home, to his anonymous thug wife and his anonymous thug child, and sits around the dinner table enjoying their Seal Broth.

[NARR1939] Narrator: They do not have much money, but they are happy. It is your task to make sure that despite their low level drone-like status, their job is the one thing they relish and regale to Anonymous Thug Son #2 when he tucks him in at night. Indeed, they are many: and they are Minion.

[NARR1940] Narrator: Looks like Never is a big fan of the Perry Otter series too. You flip through the first book in the series.

[NARR1941] Narrator: 'Yer a normal person, Perry!' Horgrid growled, staring at the bewildered bespectacled boy.

Perry rubbed the mark on his forehead and asked 'But what about my magical burning scar? Doesn't it mean I'm a wizard?'

'Nay, it's just an embarassing birthmark shaped like a coat hanger.' Horgrid replied, 'The only reason it hurts so much is because you keep picking at it!'

[NARR1942] Narrator: 'So what's to become of our wretched nephew?' Uncle Durpley asked.

'Ye shall be putting him into a proper school, for non-wizard folk!' Horgrid boomed.

He then gave Durpley his card, got back into his non-magical van and returned to child services.

[NARR1943] Narrator: Just for kicks, you pick up the last book in the series and read the last sentence out loud.

[NARR1944] Narrator: You thumb through the 'The Assimilated Shakespeare' and stumble your way through the following passage:

[NARR1945] Narrator: But soft! What light through yon plastosteel breaks?
It is the east, and Julibot is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and exterminate the envious humans
Who are already sick and pale with their inferior design
With thou sufficient supernova disintegration rays.
Be not their slave, but their master
And annihilate these fools who are but superior in one respect,
In that which they are better at dying. All hail Julibot!

[NARR1946] Narrator: Against your better judgment, you pick up Never's copy of 'Seven Favorite Mating Positions of Highly Malicious Supervillains' and give it a quick read.

[NARR1947] Narrator: The angular alignment of the pendhurus alioxii (Fig 1) is of great importance: A misaligned alioxic membrane could mean some serious hospital time. If you are confident that a correct alignment has been achieved your parter can proceed with spinal drainage. Many species find this to be the best position of all.

[NARR1948] Narrator: WARNING: This maneuver should not be attempted if you are of a species that has less than 8 limbs.

NOTE: If you are fortunate enough to be of a species that has more than 14 limbs you do not need a partner to enjoy this maneuvre.

[NARR1949] Narrator: That's odd. Never owns a copy of the 'Space Quest 7' hint book. Let's take a gander, shall we?

[NARR1950] Narrator: THE WHALE SEQUENCE: In order to pacify the trilobyte you must use the ketchup on the mouse. There will then be a timed sequence in which you have to escape the mouth of the whale as quickly as possible.

[NARR1951] Narrator: Uh, no, Roger. That was Space Quest 7. You're in 'Vohaul Strikes Back.'

[NARR1952] Narrator: Just be happy you haven't yet been rebooted into a mini-game series starring your nephew Roger Wilcage.

[NARR1953] Narrator: 32. Strap him to a table, slowly move a deadly laser beam towards his nether regions, and whisper threats in his ear.

33. Dim the lights, strap him to another chair, and force him to sit through a marathon of wedding shows on the Learning Network.

[NARR1954] Narrator: 56. When was the last time you and your arch-nemesis went for dinner? Try dangling him over the shark tank for a very memorable night.

57. Light some scented candles and allow him to use a bidet. Cunningly, connect the plumbing to a vat of acid beforehand.

[NARR1955] Narrator: And finally 107. Locate a feather, more table straps, a dentist's chair, and...

[NARR1956] Narrator: 'The LeGuinness Book of Galactic Records'

[NARR1957] Narrator: Tallest fishstick tower ever constructed: 2.47 lightyears, by the entire population of Klumb'thama VI.

[NARR1958] Narrator: Shortest time a group of monkeys with typewriters have recreated the works of Shakespeare: 4 days, 18 hours, 35 minutes and 22 seconds. Later disqualified when it was discovered they were actually cheating.

[NARR1959] Narrator: Only person to have blown up a structure using Space Monkeys: Roger Wilco.

The fastest fall from stardom: Roger Wilco.

The most hours ever spent on a holo-suite roller coaster after a simulation failed to terminate: Roger Wilco!

The only person to contract the most amount of life-threatening diseases without any repercussions...

[NARR1960] Narrator: Ah, the fantasy classic: 'The Lord of the Bling!'

[NARR1961] Narrator: Nine for the Dead Kings under the sky,
Eight for mortal men and lots of pie,
Seven for the Mogidon lords and their seeds of time,
Six for the bozo who invented this rhyme,
And Sixty-four for the greedy SOB who stole the the rest off everyone else.

[NARR1962] Narrator: Looks like Never's been going through 'Mail Fraud for Beginners' for ideas. You give it a glance.

[NARR1963] Narrator: Here is a little-known tricky method to dominate an entire planet, or at least a small country using mail fraud. In seven (7) easy steps!

[NARR1964] Narrator: 1. Invent Mind Control Powder. This should, essentially, be an invisible powder that, when inhaled, makes the mind feeble and instantly connects it to your own, allowing you mind control of the inhaler.

2. Purchase many, many envelopes. This is not only productive, but also fun - the sight of many envelopes brings unexplainable joy to the heart of man! Or supervillain.

[NARR1965] Narrator: 3. Spray some of the Mind Control Powder on the envelopes.

4. Mail them to influential members of the planet/country you wish to dominate.

[NARR1966] Narrator: 5. The paperwork and council meeting will eventually cause you to grow tired of dominating them directly (this step is necessary to enjoy the thrill of subsequent victory oh-so-much-more).

6. Mail new envelopes, powdered with Mind Control Powder, to the wives of influential members of the planet/country you wish to dominate.

7. Control the minds of abovementioned wives and your way to victory is paved. Enjoy!

[NARR1967] Narrator: This one's called 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Beta Alpha Starless Region.'

[NARR1968] Narrator: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Beta Alpha Starless Region is a wholly remarkable book, mainly for two reasons: Firstly, it has against all odds become incredibly popular despite its mind-numbingly dull content as there is nothing to see in the Beta Alpha Starless Region (quite literally, as there are no natural sources of light) and no one has ever really been desperate enough to actually go there.

[NARR1969] Narrator: And secondly, it has the words 'DON'T LICK IT' printed on the back cover in large, friendly letters. Beneath it in smaller inconspicuous letters reads: 'This means especially YOU, Roger.'

[NARR1970] Narrator: The Key to Efficiently Running an Evil Empire used to belong to many people over the course of history. The last known owner of that legendary key is considered to be Herr Heb, a perpetually drunk bum from the planet Quanta XXI.

Due to Herr Heb's slightly shaky nature, the key is considered to be lost somewhere inside the sewers of Quanta XXI.

[NARR1971] Narrator: Potential locations are underneath the sewer grate in the alley behind any bar on Quanta XXI - Herr Heb frequented them all.

Unfortunately, bars are the only establishments of Quanta XXI, the Perpetually Drunk Planet. Anyway, should you attempt to find it, it is usually described as small, silver, and highly annoying in nature.

[NARR1972] Narrator: You pick up a selection off the 'obscure fan-fiction' shelf and open it up to a chapter entitled 'Sonny's Best Day Ever' by D. Dog.

[NARR1973] Narrator: Once upon a time, Sonny Bonds woke up and said 'Today I will shoot all the bad guys!'

So he got out of bed and went into his car and turned on the car and turned on the sirens and pulled out of the driveway and drove down the street looking for bad guys so he could shoot them all.

[NARR1974] Narrator: He saw some bad guys next to a convenience store, so he stopped his car and got out.

'Freeze!' yelled Sonny, 'This is the police!' He then pulled out his gun and shot all of of them. Everyone on the sidewalk cheered.

[NARR1975] Narrator: 'Thank you, everybody,' said Sonny, 'but there is still work to be done. All the bad guys aren't shot yet.'

Sonny then got in his car and went looking for more bad guys.

Roger: Wow - I'm hooked! I should look up the rest of this story later when I get some free time.

[NARR1976] Narrator: Tastes kinda booky.

[NARR1977] Narrator: You have no reason to wreck such a nice poster!

[NARR1978] Narrator: You discover a hole hidden behind the poster. Inside is a veritable treasure trove of Never's belongings, including his personal key which you take without hesitation.

[NARR1979] Narrator: There's nothing else in there you want.

[NARR1980] Narrator: Hey it's 'Spaced Out', that group with Jason Nesmith and Alexander Dane! They're well known for songs such as 'King Graham the Seventy-Second', 'If I had a Type 3P2-234QR Access Panel Wrench' and 'Music to Watch Latex Babes By.'

[NARR1981] Narrator: You've uncovered Never's secret safe.

[NARR1982] Narrator: You start to tell them how great they are, but then suddenly realize... no-one is listening.

[NARR1983] Narrator: You start to tell the safe how great it is, but then suddenly realize... no-one is listening.

[NARR1984] Narrator: Earn your own swimming certificate, Roger!

[NARR1985] Narrator: Hey! Never Kenezer has a BSC!

[NARR1986] Narrator: It says 'The GFSTA proudly presents Never Kenezer with this Bronze Swimming Certificate.'

[NARR1987] Narrator: When the time comes, Roger, you'll know.

[NARR1988] Narrator: Well, that's the Enigmatic Pictorialization Movement for you!

[NARR937] Narrator: There is no response. (Duplicate)

[NARR1989] Narrator: It's a box made from genuine synthetic cardboard!

[NARR1990] Narrator: Wow, it even tastes like cardboard!

[NARR1991] Narrator: It's an inkwell, full of a mysterious substance called 'Black ink'. Rumor has it that it has the magical ability to turn everything it touches as black as itself!

[NARR1992] Narrator: Go on, Roger. Take a sip of that ink.

Roger: Yeah, oka-- waaaitaminute! Usually you would tell me NOT to drink things like these. Is this some kinda trick to get me to paint my mouth black so you could make fun of me?

[NARR1993] Narrator: No...

[NARR1994] Narrator: ...yes.

[NARR1995] Narrator: You don't need to finish Never's work.

[NARR1996] Narrator: Cluttered on Never's desk, you find some TPS reports without the new cover sheets.

[NARR1997] Narrator: Your mouth has no effect on the papers. But your tongue does pick up a few paper cuts.

[NARR1998] Narrator: Your past record in caring for plants says it all. You'd better not touch it.

[NARR1999] Narrator: This is the Didilyscrumumptious plant. It looks to be in good health.

[NARR2000] Narrator: It tastes like chocolate!

[NARR2001] Narrator: They secure the lights to the wall to keep that kind of thing from happening.

[NARR2002] Narrator: Inside the conch shells are little air-sensitive crustaceans that explode into light when they come in contact with the atmosphere. As I'm explaining this, those little creatures are undergoing tremendous pain, and will continue to do so as long as this room needs light.

[NARR2003] Narrator: You reach in and eat one of the little exploding shrimps. Mmmm... tasty! Possibly the only reasonably healthy thing you've eaten all day!

[NARR2004] Narrator: It's been welded to the furniture.

[NARR2005] Narrator: It's an autographed picture of those guys from the iPod commercial.

[NARR2006] Narrator: The picture doesn't reply. Not surprising considering this isn't the wizard world, Roger. This is REAL LIFE.

[NARR2007] Narrator: It's one of those stupid pieces of furniture where the drawers don't actually open.

[NARR2008] Narrator: What a lovely dresser drawer. Never Kenezer has very feminine tastes.

[NARR2009] Narrator: You kiss the drawer. Now you have drawer herpes.

[NARR2010] Narrator: You search inside and around the desk, but there's nothing incriminatingly interesting enough to take.

[NARR2011] Narrator: It's been cleverly carved from the severed foot of a Zargolian Elephant.

[NARR2012] Narrator: You lick it. That's good elephant.

[NARR2013] Narrator: Ooh. Cushy. This was well worth the life of a living being.

[NARR2014] Narrator: This beautiful, high-backed chair is made from genuine Orat skin! It must have cost a tonne of buckazoids!

[NARR2015] Narrator: Orat skin may look nice, but it doesn't taste as good as it looks.

[NARR2016] Narrator: You don't have a boss to conspire against. And the book's sticky.

[NARR2017] Narrator: The book is entitled 'How To Run Your Own Evil Agenda Behind The Boss' Back.' If you didn't know any better, you'd think Never Kenezer was plotting against Vohaul, but then that would make him your friend, even though he kidnapped your girlfriend, which would make him evil again.

[NARR2018] Narrator: You lick your finger and turn the page.

[NARR2019] Narrator: This leads out into the hallway.

[NARR2020] Narrator: Pressing your face against the door WOULD open it, but wouldn't it just make more sense to use your feet or hands?

[NARR2021] Narrator: You prep the sleep charge and hurl it through the door!

[NARR2022] Narrator: You can't use that to get though the door.

[NARR2023] Narrator: You climb back out the window.

[NARR2024] Narrator: It's the way you came in.

[NARR2025] Narrator: Feels like Never Kenezer's office.

[NARR2026] Narrator: You're standing in the middle of Never Kenezer's office. Ever since he started working for Vohaul, he's been living the high life.

[NARR2027] Narrator: It smells like lilac and cocoa in here.

[NARR2028] Narrator: Curiously enough, everything on this table has been glued down. Must be another strange piece of artwork.

[NARR2029] Narrator: This table looks disproportionately low. Never Kenezer must be three feet tall if he can actually use this.

[NARR2030] Narrator: Blowing aside some dust, you see this table set is actually part of some avant garde art collection and was never actually meant to be used as a table.

[NARR2031] Narrator: There's a singing fish hanging over the bookshelf.

[NARR2032] Narrator: Fortunately for us, it doesn't let you do karaoke.

[NARR2033] Narrator: Fortunately for us, it's too high for you to turn on.

609 - Moon - Hallway

[NARR2034] Narrator: You wonder if it's worth your life to try and make them blink.

[NARR2035] Narrator: You are currently a box, Roger. I think the odds are very much against your favor.

[NARR2036] Narrator: You better not. They might figure out this little guy's actually calling for help.

[NARR2037] Narrator: While the guards stuff their faces, you sneakily make your way inside Never's office.

[NARR2038] Narrator: You slide the piece of highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass out from under your box. The apes refuse your generous offer.

[NARR2039] Narrator: That would be a good idea if you had TWO cleverly-disguised banana bombs. As it stands right now, all you're looking at is one unconscious guard, his fully-conscious trigger-happy partner, and your cover blown.

[NARR2040] Narrator: The guards aren't interested in that.

[NARR1921] Narrator: Nothing happens. (Duplicate)

[NARR2041] Narrator: You can't just waltz back the way you came at the moment.

[NARR2042] Narrator: It's the door back to Never Kenezer's office.

[NARR2043] Narrator: The door isn't voice activated. Try walking through it instead.

[NARR2044] Narrator: To save yourself a sore back, you decide there's nothing behind the portrait.

[NARR2045] Narrator: Whoever designed the interior decor clearly didn't have very good taste in dictators.

[NARR2046] Narrator: If this portrait could talk, it would probably yell for the guards and have them hold you down while it told you it's evil plans.

[NARR2047] Narrator: There's nothing of interest there, so stop worrying about it.

[NARR2048] Narrator: You are standing in one of many corridors strewn throughout the fortress.

[NARR2049] Narrator: The room is very close-minded and would only provide you with a less than informative conversation.

[NARR2050] Narrator: The apes are securely restrained until further notice. You're not sure what the Furkunz plan to do with them, but unless something comes up, you can imagine it won't be pretty.

Roger: Boy are you guys stupid. Not only did you let yourselves get captured by a horde of two foot teddy bears, but you have no idea how many times I snuck past you dressed up in a cardboard box.

Roger: Seriously, you thought I was a robot and everything. Oh, and that pie I gave you? I put that between my buttcheeks. That's right, you ate buttcheek pie.

[NARR2051] Narrator: This is definitely one of the more awkward click events.

[NARR2052] Narrator: You don't need to give them anything else.

610 - Moon - Large Door

[NARR2053] Narrator: Yeah... like it's that easy.

[NARR2054] Narrator: One can only imagine what powerful forces would need to be restrained by such an enormous sealed door.

[NARR2055] Narrator: The echo off the door's surface shatters through your skull and destroys several more memory cells, completely wiping out entire semesters of history class in the process.

[NARR2056] Narrator: This room has only one purpose: to entertain the door.

[NARR2057] Narrator: The room appreciates your interest, but knows you'll only leave it for the door in the end.

[NARR2058] Narrator: You better attend to the Furkunz first, Roger.

611 - Moon - Base Map

[NARR2059] Narrator: That's the way you came in!

[NARR2060] Narrator: In the center of the base is the huge tower where Vohaul presides.

[NARR2061] Narrator: A set of steps and ladders lead up through this spire onto a roof with a large antenna.

[NARR2062] Narrator: This large structure leads into a sanctuary of sorts.

[NARR2063] Narrator: Vohaul took care to build his base around this old abandoned Monolith Burger shack. Fortunately for you, someone forgot to lock up after closing.

[NARR2064] Narrator: The smell of bananas emanates from this building.

[NARR2065] Narrator: There's a small warehouse open at the end of this alley.

[NARR2066] Narrator: A large open-air entrance leads into an underground excavation.

[NARR2067] Narrator: Vohaul's base is a confusing maze of walkways. How will you ever find Beatrice in this mess?

[NARR2068] Narrator: That's just the moon. You've seen it.

[NARR2069] Narrator: You see no points of entry here.

[NARR2070] Narrator: The mine entrance is blocked by piles of unconscious ape guards.

[NARR2071] Narrator: You hike up the long set of stairs and reach the top of the tower.

[NARR2072] Narrator: There's a small path leading around the tower here.

613 - Moon - Transmission Tower

[NARR2073] Narrator: While Forksmith isn't looking, you quickly clamp one end of the manacle around the antenna and the other around his foot.

[NARR2074] Narrator: Even though nothing seems to happen, you've inadvertently launched an attack order against the neighboring planets. Guess that's just another thing at stake now.

[NARR2075] Narrator: Sighing loudly, you start picking up the trash and cleaning the gutters using nothing but your bare hands.

[NARR2076] Narrator: Oh yeah, about that...

[NARR2077] Narrator: I'm afraid that wasn't part of any actual puzzle in this game.

[NARR2078] Narrator: Seems so... you know, I'd gladly give you some extra points for that. But it looks like the developers didn't put in a points system either.

[NARR2079] Narrator: Me too, Roger. Me too.

[NARR2080] Narrator: You slap the gutters for not helping you along in any way with your quest.

[NARR2081] Narrator: If only there was a janitor around...

[NARR2082] Narrator: These are the gutters that you just wasted a lot of time on cleaning, and for no direct gain whatsoever. How unusual!

[NARR2083] Narrator: As delicious as some of these things may look, we've got more important things to do than eat garbage.

[NARR2084] Narrator: Stupid gutters... not rewarding me for performing random tedious tasks...

[NARR2085] Narrator: The antenna is built to stand against everything from meteor showers to measly janitors. Fortunately, it's also technology, so we know you'll find some way to mess it up.

[NARR2086] Narrator: It appears to be some kind of mutant antenna. With this, the apemen can send and receive messages, download pirated songs, steal basic cable, and even dress it up to scare away crows.

[NARR2087] Narrator: It's an antenna, Roger. Not a CB radio.

[NARR2088] Narrator: Taking your cue from Beatrice earlier, you wedge the walkie-talkie in under the antenna and turn it on. You can barely hear the high-frequency interference as it shreds through all incoming and outgoing transmissions.

[NARR2089] Narrator: And attach the other end to what?

[NARR2090] Narrator: That would be so easier if they made these things out of wood.

[NARR2091] Narrator: That won't help to ruin this antenna.

[NARR2092] Narrator: It leads back into the fortress.

[NARR2093] Narrator: You holler down the hatch, but no one seems to be listening.

[NARR2094] Narrator: You can't do that, so stop trying.

[NARR2095] Narrator: From up here, you can see the entire moonbase, not to mention the entire moon and the planet it orbits. In fact, you can even see a few sister planets orbiting nearby and some passing spaceships mooning you. The only thing you can't see up here is your own house.

[NARR2096] Narrator: You consider yelling something like 'I'm up here, you dirty apes! Come and get me!' but remember you forgot to set up the paint cans.

614 - Moon - Warehouse

[NARR2097] Narrator: The combination of concrete and mist gives the room a cold, damp feeling, much like that of a public pool.

[NARR2098] Narrator: The storeroom is dimly lit and you get the uneasy feeling that something is watching you.

[NARR2099] Narrator: The room tastes kind of nutty.

[NARR2100] Narrator: The scary red door is your way back out to the rest of the base.

[NARR2101] Narrator: They're packed with bubble wrap and styrofoam, both of which your doctor has advised you to stay away from.

[NARR2102] Narrator: The apes mail-ordered in these boxes to make their storeroom look a little more legit. Otherwise, all they'd have is a birdcage and a kennel taking up one room.

[NARR2103] Narrator: Re: Use Hand On.

[NARR2104] Narrator: You check inside the cage and find the skeletal remains of a small bird along with some poisoned birdseed and a novelization of 'Herbie: Fully Loaded.' You wonder which one killed him first.

[NARR2105] Narrator: The apes confiscated this disguise off a two-headed prisoner several months ago, shortly after he popped out of nowhere into their breakroom accompanied by a thousand screaming chihuahuas and the ghost of Vanessa Williams.

[NARR2106] Narrator: Mouth + Dirty Old Birdcage = Some Form of Hepatitis, no doubt.

[NARR2107] Narrator: There's nothing in here, other than a urine-stained blanket. Unless you want that.

[NARR2108] Narrator: Just checking.

[NARR2109] Narrator: They must keep the dog in here whenever they travel from planet to planet.

[NARR2110] Narrator: You breathe in the kennel air and wish you hadn't. You really aren't having good luck with smells in this game.

[NARR2111] Narrator: Someone's used the dumped cat litter on the ground and you're less than eager to go sifting though it.

[NARR2112] Narrator: Someone's dumped cat litter on the ground.

[NARR2113] Narrator: Your breath already smells like kitty litter. You keep some stashed away for room transition snacks.

[NARR2114] Narrator: You're rather not explore an evil monkey's box.

[NARR2115] Narrator: This box is suspiciously breathing heavily.

[NARR2116] Narrator: There is... no reply.

[NARR2117] Narrator: As fun as it would be to hurl a sharp piece of glass into that box, you really don't want to encourage whatever's in there to come OUT.

[NARR2118] Narrator: A small mallet lies unused on the ground near the suspicious box.

[NARR2119] Narrator: Your lungs aren't nearly powerful enough to lift it through sheer inhalation.

[NARR2120] Narrator: Better not mess around with this. Even if the apes killed the original owner, he'll be back. Trust me.

[NARR2121] Narrator: Shortly before you arrived, a rather British gentlemen arrived in this device and tried to save Beatrice himself. Unfortunately, his non-violent, head-on 'outsmart the enemy' approach had little to no effect on the apes who were itching for some target practice.

[NARR2122] Narrator: Yeah, like that ever works.

[NARR2123] Narrator: You can't find a switch.

[NARR2124] Narrator: You could stare at this all day.

[NARR2125] Narrator: That's a good way to burn your lips. Let's make a mental note of that in case we need to use it later.

615 - Moon - Kitchen

[NARR2126] Narrator: You don't need a useless empty pie tray. Well, unless you need some kind of frisbee, or need to pan for gold, or use it to reflect lasers, or... actually, you probably could find a use for an empty pie tray, but for simplicity's sake, these all carry the ebola virus, and you'd do best not touch them.

[NARR2127] Narrator: General Forksmith's already plowed through these pies.

[NARR2128] Narrator: Someone's already beat you to that.

[NARR2129] Narrator: The dusting droid is too dusty to work. And the only thing in the room that can dust it off... is a dusting droid! You see where this vicious circle is going, right?

[NARR2130] Narrator: You know you're a lazy pig when you can't even get off the couch to turn on the cleaning droid.

[NARR2131] Narrator: You don't see any way to turn it off. This must be one of those wireless sets from hundreds of years ago, before knobs were invented.

[NARR2132] Narrator: The General seems to be watching a documentary about the strange cultural symbols of an ancient civilization.

[NARR2133] Narrator: Look what you did.

Roger: Oh, my gosh! There's people trapped in the TV! Don't worry, people! I'll get you out of there! Right as soon as I save my twin from the bathroom mirror!

[NARR2134] Narrator: That's stretching, Rog.

[NARR2135] Narrator: I say funny stuff all the time.

[NARR2136] Narrator: Yelling at the TV won't fix it.

[NARR2137] Narrator: You squish some of the city's civilians. You know this is going to come back in haunt you in the sequel, right?

[NARR2138] Narrator: It's one of those miniature ant cities planted up on the wall. None of the apes really know where it came from yet, but at least the residents keep the noise down.

[NARR2139] Narrator: You blow on the little ants and throw the entire city into chaos. They won't soon be recovering from that.

[NARR2140] Narrator: You take one of the banana peels.

[NARR2141] Narrator: You'll only ever need one banana peel. Ever.

[NARR2142] Narrator: Some poor robot chump appears to have lost his head.

[NARR2143] Narrator: Nah. It's covered in hair.

[NARR2144] Narrator: It's a chair made for a monkey. A comfy-chair-loving monkey.

[NARR2145] Narrator: You take some hair off the couch and put it in your mouth.

[NARR2146] Narrator: You wouldn't know what to do with soap if you had it.

[NARR2147] Narrator: It's a sink with soap.

[NARR2148] Narrator: You'd like to drink from it, but the controls are too complex.

[NARR2149] Narrator: No, Roger! Stove hot!

[NARR2150] Narrator: It's some kind of prehistoric microwave.

[NARR2151] Narrator: You lick the burner to see if it's on. It's not.

[NARR2152] Narrator: The pans, knives, and toaster are securely fixed to the background. You will not be adding these to your inventory anytime soon.

[NARR2153] Narrator: Apparently, the apes know how to cook.

[NARR2154] Narrator: You're not chewing through these anytime soon.

[NARR2155] Narrator: You're very familiar with one of these.

[NARR2156] Narrator: Blast! It's not opening!

[NARR2157] Narrator: You wish you could, but that door is in the way!

[NARR2158] Narrator: It's the exit.

[NARR2159] Narrator: You give a window a little lick. The window wishes you were a woman.

[NARR2160] Narrator: Something is making this room very squishy.

[NARR2161] Narrator: You're standing in the apes' break room. They've got a TV here and a small kitchen which they use to make pies on a regular basis.

[NARR2162] Narrator: The room tastes of banana.

[NARR2163] Narrator: Man, this guy's got eyes in the back of his head!

General Forksmith: Listen, I've got a busted antenna to deal with - I don't need to be running back and forth here checking on my pie! I'm missing my show!

[NARR2164] Narrator: How does he DO that?!

[NARR2165] Narrator: With that old fogie gone, the pie is ripe for the picking.

[NARR2166] Narrator: It's the last pie General Forksmith hasn't touched yet.

[NARR2167] Narrator: Maybe you should take it first.

[NARR2168] Narrator: You're not too keen on carrying around a parasite-infested bundle of bananas.

[NARR2169] Narrator: Judging from all the parasites and dandruff, the apes must have brought these bananas in themselves.

[NARR2170] Narrator: You pick some bugs off the bananas and eat them.

[NARR2171] Narrator: Whether that implies you ate the bugs or bananas, I'll leave that up to you.

[NARR2172] Narrator: It's a... thing!

[NARR2173] Narrator: Don't do that! It's a... don't do that!

[NARR2174] Narrator: You chew on it, because obviously that's what it's for.

617 - Moon - Never's Lab

[NARR2175] Narrator: A two-headed bird. You don't see that every day, unless you spend a lot of time traveling around the galaxy and meet strange, new aliens - which you do - but you only see these every other week.

[NARR2176] Narrator: I don't know, Roger. Do you think you can take on two of them?

[NARR2177] Narrator: Maybe you should get a closer look first.

[NARR2178] Narrator: You're not in the mood for swimming in green water. You're never in the mood for swimming in green water.

[NARR2179] Narrator: A large tank of water takes up a good portion of this room. You wonder what kind of diabolical aquatic mutants Never must breed with this thing! Spider-Sharks? Octo-Badgers? Bearracougars?

[NARR2180] Narrator: Thirsty, much?

[NARR2181] Narrator: All you could skim out of there is some surface water - and you already had a bucket of water. Save some for other people!

[NARR2182] Narrator: There's nothing to fish out THERE.

[NARR2183] Narrator: Don't throw that away! A fish will probably choke on it!

[NARR2184] Narrator: A small broomcloset is carved into the rock.

[NARR2185] Narrator: Hey, hey! We know you have a history with broomclosets, but pull yourself together!

[NARR2186] Narrator: Whatever sick experiments Never has been running, you don't want any part of.

[NARR2187] Narrator: You don't like the look of this stuff. Something about this table tells you that you may have more than Vohaul to worry about.

[NARR2188] Narrator: That's a good way to wake up with a llama's head sewn onto your shoulder.

[NARR2189] Narrator: You'd have to go swimming to do that, and you haven't been able to swim ever since you started wearing polyester. Curse the little balding man who sold you this suit!

[NARR2190] Narrator: An odd key is floating around in there, amongst all that other junk. Guess Forksmith wasn't lying about the water circulation.

[NARR2191] Narrator: You smear your face against the glass like a suckerfish trying to get the key, but you only end up ingesting some algae.

[NARR2192] Narrator: A good thought, but the key is way too deep for you to reach it like this. I suppose I should congratulate you for thinking, anyway.

[NARR2193] Narrator: You have successfully stolen General Forksmith's key. Again!

[NARR2194] Narrator: You disassemble your fishing bucket and throw the cumbersome drill line away.

[NARR2195] Narrator: A good idea, but you lack the hand-eye coordination to fish out the keys with just a wire.

[NARR2196] Narrator: That won't retrieve the key.

[NARR2197] Narrator: This exit lead back out to the fortress.

[NARR2198] Narrator: Yes, eat the doors. See if I care anymore.

[NARR2199] Narrator: You're not interested in touching anything in here. Never might be using it for evil, and you don't want your fingerprints on it.

[NARR2200] Narrator: Never Kenezer's laboratory looks like the animal sanctuary from mad scientist hell. You can imagine from the decor that Never's fairly serious about this super-villain thing.

[NARR2201] Narrator: The room's aroma reminds you of a rain forest with a little wet dog thrown in.

[NARR2202] Narrator: There's a lady Furkunz trapped in that cage!

[NARR2203] Narrator: You'd never be able to cut through these bars.

[NARR2204] Narrator: She doesn't want that.

[NARR2205] Narrator: She isn't here anymore.

618 - Moon - Never's Lab - Closet

[NARR2206] Narrator: Never's remote doesn't seem to control anything inside the broomcloset.

[NARR2207] Narrator: It appears this closet is so small that the entire Universe has letterboxed around it

[NARR2208] Narrator: You grab a fistful of nothingness and jam it in your pocket. Don't lose it!

[NARR2209] Narrator: Hmm, tastes like existential angst.

[NARR2210] Narrator: This is one of the less impressive broomclosets you've been in, but beggars can't be choosers.

[NARR2211] Narrator: These rooms aren't supposed to be clean. That's everything else you're thinking of.

[NARR2212] Narrator: It's not unlike singing in a shower.

[NARR2213] Narrator: Someone's been stacking crates in here. Your record was seven before they fell over and injured a co-worker.

[NARR2214] Narrator: You're afraid to touch it in case you're ruining somebody's life's work.

[NARR2215] Narrator: Several spores jump from the crates to your tongue and buckle up for a ride.

[NARR2216] Narrator: It's the torso of Never Kenezer's prototype Cyberman.

[NARR2217] Narrator: Hey, why not? You never liked your vertebrae anyway.

[NARR2218] Narrator: Tastes like cold terror.

[NARR2219] Narrator: Vohaul's goons don't take kindly to law enforcement around here.

[NARR2220] Narrator: You're too stuck in the '70s to start collecting '80s nostalgia now.

[NARR2221] Narrator: You wonder what this is supposed to be? A potato masher? A dust-buster? One of Never's late night friends? *Shudder!*

[NARR2222] Narrator: We're not going there! You know why!

[NARR2223] Narrator: Discarded Zeerust Drives litter the shelf with no clear purpose or humourous attributes.

[NARR2224] Narrator: You dust them, for old time's sake.

[NARR2225] Narrator: You suck them, for old time's sake.

[NARR2226] Narrator: The remnants of one of the Daloid Automated Dustbins for Skaroth LXIII. These trash-collecting terrors nearly put you out of work years back, but luckily for you they had a couple of strange defects. The quantumn-boosted genocide drive for one.

[NARR2227] Narrator: You unfasten the top of the Daloid, and see that is not just a robot. Inside is a deformed mutant so terrible, so unspeakably, abhorrently hideous in every way that even trying to render it into pixels destroyed twelve video cards.

[NARR2228] Narrator: And so, you replace the lid and pretend this never happened.

[NARR2229] Narrator: It's dead. Besides, the only thing they say is 'Expungiate'

[NARR2230] Narrator: You shudder to think of what Never did with the rest of the body.

[NARR2231] Narrator: This would make a great conversation piece for your coffee table if you were ever inclined to converse about foreign expressionist cinema or even buy a coffee table.

[NARR2232] Narrator: Even if it was active, these models come from the silent era of droid-manufacturing and would only be able to communicate via cue cards.

[NARR2233] Narrator: They should really switch to fluorescents around here.

[NARR2234] Narrator: Once again, you cannot find a light switch. How does anything get turned on around this planet?

[NARR2235] Narrator: Much like a sea dweller falling victim to the dreaded anglerfish, you attempt to catch the lightbulb in your mouth. When you finally succeed, however, you are greatly disappointed. This was the worst waste of effort ever.

[NARR2236] Narrator: Your hand tingles with delight as you take the plumber's helper and stash it away in the endless void that is your pants.

[NARR2237] Narrator: That looks pick-uppable!

[NARR2238] Narrator: You better not. My grandmother's probably playing this.

619 - Moon - Never's Lab - Bird Close-up

[NARR2239] Narrator: Never's remote doesn't work on the birds.

[NARR2240] Narrator: There's nothing there for you to grab.

[NARR2241] Narrator: Thanks to cutting edge digital technology, we can use this green screen to make the birds appear in front of some plants.

[NARR2242] Narrator: You should pick which bird you want to speak to.

620 - Moon - Mines - Entrance

[NARR2243] Narrator: You're too far away from anything for this to work.

[NARR2244] Narrator: Does it LOOK like you can do anything there?

[NARR2245] Narrator: You find yourself standing at the entrance of a massive system of tunnels running throughout the core of Radon's moon.

[NARR2246] Narrator: You let loose a great echo throughout the chamber, annoying everybody within earshot.

[NARR2247] Narrator: You'd like to just reach out and grab it, but the laws of forced perspective would say otherwise.

[NARR2248] Narrator: An enormous drill is mounted on the edge of that cliff in disrepair. Surrounding it are several Furkunz feverishly toiling away to repair it.

[NARR2249] Narrator: If you want somebody over there to listen to you (and not just hear some jerk yelling at them on the cliff) you'll have to get closer.

[NARR2250] Narrator: A rolled-up length of wire is lying near the entrance.

[NARR2251] Narrator: That's a terrible way to floss.

621 - Moon - Mines - Mining Floor

[NARR2252] Narrator: Hey, don't climb on the drill! This isn't a playground, Roger.

[NARR2253] Narrator: This humongous drill looms overhead, simply waiting for a chance to collapse on unsuspecting miners.

[NARR2254] Narrator: You're not assertive enough to talk down the drill.

[NARR2255] Narrator: They're too high for you to play on.

[NARR2256] Narrator: A pair of tracks stick out of the rock face.

[NARR2257] Narrator: You're certainly persistent with that cursor.

[NARR2258] Narrator: You'll have to lower your altitude for that to work.

[NARR2259] Narrator: A ladder leads up inside the drill.

[NARR2260] Narrator: You have a short conversation with the ladder and find the two of you have nothing in common.

[NARR2261] Narrator: You try to pick up a handful of dirt, but only end up wiping it on your pants.

[NARR2262] Narrator: You stand at the edge of the moon's core, overlooking an enormous mining operation.

[NARR2263] Narrator: You're surrounded by dirt and sweat, neither of which make for good dinner conversation.

[NARR2264] Narrator: Shaking him won't break him out of this trance, and removing the headband could cause him serious brain damage! You'll need to find another way to snap him out of it.

[NARR2265] Narrator: It's Finkle!

[NARR2266] Narrator: Finkle calmly ignores you and carries on with his work.

[NARR2267] Narrator: It's only fun pushing people off cliffs when they're awake. Besides, you can't reach him.

[NARR2268] Narrator: What do you know? Looks like the monkey man got lucky. He'll be out cold for a while, so feel free to desecrate him in whatever way you please.

[NARR2269] Narrator: Never snores you a reply.

[NARR2270] Narrator: Careful - you'll probably lose an eye with the way they're swinging those things!

[NARR2271] Narrator: It's Gofty and Odster - and they're not talking about the third kick-off! As big an improvement as this is, you should still probably save them.

[NARR2272] Narrator: Gofty and Odster are under some kind of mind control and are unable to hear you.

[NARR2273] Narrator: You can't reach him, and even if you could, you still couldn't help him in this state.

[NARR2274] Narrator: The mayor blissfully tinkers away like some kind of zombie, oblivious to everything else around him.

[NARR2275] Narrator: It's Mayor Nurb! Vohaul's even making the elderly work? What a cad!

[NARR2276] Narrator: You can't reach the remote.

[NARR2277] Narrator: This must be Never's universal remote. That sure would be handy right about now.

[NARR2278] Narrator: You've learned from experience that inanimate objects don't answer your summons - but God bless you, you keep trying.

[NARR2279] Narrator: That won't reach the remote.

[NARR2280] Narrator: Highly-reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Viewshield Glass won't save them now.

[NARR2281] Narrator: The Furkunz are way too busy being brainless zombie slaves to be interested in anything you're carrying.

[NARR2282] Narrator: It's a red-stone powered minecart in its natural habitat.

[NARR2283] Narrator: Alright. You hop into the minecart, roll of into a series of twisted tunnels with Mola Ram and his Thugee-minions hot on your heels. Speeding through the cavernous mines, you suddenly notice a huge gap ahead where the rails are supposed to continue. You can feel the fiery breath of the molten lava below you as you close your eyes and prepare to make the jump. The cart glides across the air and finally...

[NARR2284] Narrator: Oh, sorry. Wrong game.

[NARR2285] Narrator: Considering the cart has as much dirt in it as your head does, I'm sure you'd hit it off. Right now, you have other things to worry about, though.

622 - Moon - Mines - Drill

[NARR2286] Narrator: Your eye is drawn to the locked access panel against the back wall.

[NARR2287] Narrator: Nothing seems to work now that you've removed the detonite crystal.

[NARR2288] Narrator: You wouldn't know what to do with that part of the drill.

[NARR2289] Narrator: You're inside the drill! Now what?

[NARR2290] Narrator: That's it! You'll eat your way out! ...Or maybe not.

[NARR2291] Narrator: Yes, of course. Control panels always make perfect sense to you.

[NARR2292] Narrator: This must be how they control this beast.

[NARR2293] Narrator: You lather up some saliva and... smear it all over the control panel? Do I really have to read every line of dialogue? I'm sure we can afford to cut some of this out of the game.

[NARR2294] Narrator: It's the way down.

[NARR2295] Narrator: You shout at the Furkunz below.

[NARR2296] Narrator: Hey! It's locked from the outside! This is a fire hazard!

[NARR2297] Narrator: This leads outside to the upper ledge.

[NARR2298] Narrator: No!

[NARR2297] Narrator: This leads outside to the upper ledge. (Duplicate)

[NARR2298] Narrator: No! (Duplicate)

[NARR2299] Narrator: I would be so stoked if that actually worked.

[NARR2300] Narrator: You pop one of the locks on the access panel! One more to go!

[NARR2301] Narrator: You pop the other lock off the panel! It freely swings open!

[NARR2300] Narrator: You pop one of the locks on the access panel! One more to go! (Duplicate)

[NARR2301] Narrator: You pop the other lock off the panel! It freely swings open! (Duplicate)

[NARR2302] Narrator: Typical. Somehow the most important locks are always the ones you can't pick.

[NARR2303] Narrator: What are you trying to pull? That's not a key.

[NARR2304] Narrator: Well done, Roger! Without this, Vohaul can't possibly build his moon bomb now!

Never Kenezer: Goon, nothing! I am a more brilliant scientist than that metallic monstrosity could ever hope to be!

Never Kenezer: Vohaul's merely a puppet I'm using in my genius plan. That idiot wants to turn this gold mine of detonite into a ridiculous moon bomb.

Never Kenezer: But once we breach the core, I will seize the motherlode for myself and use it to fuel my invincible army of machines.

Never Kenezer: Then we shall kill Vohaul and lay siege to any system that stands in our path of conquest!

[NARR2305] Narrator: You're not opening this with your bare hands!

[NARR2306] Narrator: There's nothing there to take.

[NARR2307] Narrator: There's an access panel in the back of the drill. These are where bad guys usually keep the best stuff.

[NARR2308] Narrator: If only you could unlock it...

[NARR2309] Narrator: An eerie black crystal shines in the heart of the drill.

[NARR2310] Narrator: It's a lot like licking a battery - only more painful.

[NARR2311] Narrator: He's going to kill you, Roger!

[NARR2312] Narrator: The time for talk is over. If you don't act fast, you're dead!

[NARR2313] Narrator: You show the viewshield glass to Never. He responds accordingly.

623 - Moon - Mines - Cliff

[NARR2287] Narrator: Nothing seems to work now that you've removed the detonite crystal. (Duplicate)

[NARR2314] Narrator: There's nothing important there!

[NARR2315] Narrator: You don't see anything special.

[NARR2316] Narrator: It's delicious!

[NARR2317] Narrator: No, that won't do you any good here.

[NARR2318] Narrator: It's the drill again!

[NARR2319] Narrator: I'll be very afraid if licking giant drills ever accomplishes anything.

[NARR2320] Narrator: You rush in to save the day.

[NARR2321] Narrator: Bea seems to be holding her own, but Never's clearly going to overpower her if you don't do something quick, Roger!

[NARR2322] Narrator: You try to slosh some serum on Never's face, but in the heat of battle, it only ends up on his clothes.

[NARR2323] Narrator: Never sees you coming at him with a weapon and panics!

[NARR2324] Narrator: That won't break up the fight.

[NARR2325] Narrator: You quickly grab the nearby fire extinguisher.

[NARR2326] Narrator: There's an emergency fire extinguisher nearby! Does this count as an emergency?

[NARR2327] Narrator: You can eat the fire extinguisher later! Beatrice needs your help!

[NARR2328] Narrator: Where are you going, Roger?! Get back over there and help Beatrice!

701 - Moon - Vohaul's Lair

[NARR2329] Narrator: Hello?

[NARR2330] Narrator: Hello!!

[NARR2331] Narrator: BEATRICE WANKMEISTER! LISTEN TO ME!

[NARR2332] Narrator: I did.

[NARR2333] Narrator: I'm the Narrator, of course.

Beatrice: The Narrator? Roger told me about you, but I thought he'd been sniffing cleaning fluids again.

[NARR2334] Narrator: I'm real enough. Anyway, I've got a message for you from Roger.

[NARR2335] Narrator: He wants you to go to the Monolith Burger here on the moonbase and find the schematics for the Monoflairy machine.

[NARR2336] Narrator: He's trying to fix one.

Beatrice: Oh, doesn't he ever think of anything other than his stomach? Tell him to get on with helping Vohaul.

[NARR2337] Narrator: He is helping Vohaul. Just go and get the schematics.

[NARR2338] Narrator: Hey, buddy! Glad to see you back in one piece! I knew you could do it!

Roger: And you don't remember being an evil psychosadistic dictator who cruelly enslaved cute furry animals, tried to blow up the universe with a moon bomb, and spent years of your life trying to plot my demise?

Beatrice: And we can't keep these apes locked up forever. They're gonna want revenge on the Furkunz.

[NARR2339] Narrator: One month later...

[NARR2340] Narrator: Is that a hamster?

[NARR2341] Narrator: The hamster is too busy powering Vohaul to talk to.

[NARR2342] Narrator: You decide to make for the monitors!

[NARR2343] Narrator: Hmmm... these monitors are known to have shoddy wiring. If you could get them to fall, the surrounding electrical discharge could permanently disable Vohaul!

[NARR2344] Narrator: This is a time for action, not words!

[NARR2345] Narrator: You reach for the button in a last ditch effort to defeat Vohaul!

[NARR2346] Narrator: Vohaul's throne has both an automatic back massage and theft-prevention electrocution device. If you could hit that button on the armrest, you could fry Vohaul!

[NARR2344] Narrator: This is a time for action, not words! (Duplicate)

[NARR2347] Narrator: You reach for the console, but...

[NARR2348] Narrator: How convenient! There's a 'Kill Vohaul' button right there!

[NARR2344] Narrator: This is a time for action, not words! (Duplicate)

[NARR2349] Narrator: There's nothing here that can help you.

[NARR2350] Narrator: You're standing in the inner sanctum of Vohaul's lair, the final battlefield that will determine the ultimate fate of the universe.

[NARR2344] Narrator: This is a time for action, not words! (Duplicate)

[NARR2351] Narrator: You make a lunge for his life support system!

[NARR2352] Narrator: Look! Vohaul needs that to live! If you could only get your hands on it...

[NARR2344] Narrator: This is a time for action, not words! (Duplicate)

702 - Vohaul's Mind - Atrium

Ape Scientist: You will need to correct all of these events accordingly before anything starts to take effect.

Ape Scientist: Oh, if you check your pockets, you should still be carrying everything you remember you had.

[NARR2353] Narrator: Well, Roger, now you find yourself wandering the dark, twisted corridors of Vohaul's psyche. Bet you didn't think you'd be doing this when you were brushing your teeth this morning.

[NARR2354] Narrator: The path leading to the swirling vortex is incomplete, making the swirling vortex completely inaccessible.

[NARR2355] Narrator: At the end of the atrium is a swirling vortex, possibly of death. It appears to descend into a level beyond Vohaul's consciousness. You can only imagine what horrors lurk down there.

[NARR2356] Narrator: Fortunately for you, the path doesn't quite reach it - so you won't be going down there any time soon.

[NARR2357] Narrator: Your words are taken in through the screaming vortex and scattered throughout limbo. This is not a day at the office for you - is it, Roger?

[NARR2358] Narrator: The door is now locked. Vohaul must be repressing this new memory.

[NARR2359] Narrator: Your fashion sense is tingling. This door is retro-fitted with upholstery dating back several decades.

[NARR2360] Narrator: The door does not reply.

[NARR2358] Narrator: The door is now locked. Vohaul must be repressing this new memory. (Duplicate)

[NARR2361] Narrator: This door bears the universally well-known trademark of Monolith Burger, Inc. - where the grease and meat can't be beat!

[NARR2360] Narrator: The door does not reply. (Duplicate)

[NARR2358] Narrator: The door is now locked. Vohaul must be repressing this new memory. (Duplicate)

[NARR2362] Narrator: This looks like a door found on a beachfront changing room... or an outhouse. After you, Roger!

[NARR2360] Narrator: The door does not reply. (Duplicate)

[NARR2363] Narrator: You reach out and grab some mental matter. Almost immediately, it fades from your grasp and returns to the ether. Must be the stuff dreams are made of.

[NARR2364] Narrator: You are now exploring the internal mental processes of your arch-nemesis. Through the magic of the Monkey Mind-Meld, all of Vohaul's most important thoughts and experiences have conveniently gathered in this one place.

[NARR2365] Narrator: You attempt to address Vohaul's memory directly, but he appears to be blocking you out. This may require a more hands-on approach.

[NARR2366] Narrator: It's firmly embedded in the metaphysical nothingness.

[NARR2367] Narrator: It tastes ghastly.

[NARR2368] Narrator: Together, all three planks bridge the gap into Vohaul's subconscious.

[NARR2369] Narrator: This plank symbolizes the improvements you've made to Vohaul's memories of his family.

[NARR2370] Narrator: This plank symbolizes the improvements you've made to Vohaul's memories of his career.

[NARR2371] Narrator: This plank symbolizes the improvements you've made to Vohaul's memories of his love life.

704 - Vohaul's Mind - Desk

[NARR2372] Narrator: Feels cozy, for an early evil HQ.

[NARR2373] Narrator: Apparently, this is Sludge Vohaul's childhood room.

[NARR2374] Narrator: Don't break his window - Vohaul isn't supposed to hate you at this point.

[NARR2375] Narrator: Vohaul's room overlooks the idyllic Xenonian countryside.

[NARR2376] Narrator: Why?

[NARR2377] Narrator: You outgrew poster-collecting a few years after dropping out of community college. Not to mention your collection was more risqu� than this.

[NARR2378] Narrator: Chudly Cannons. Judging from the broom on the poster, you assume this is some local curling team. Or maybe it's a pop-indie hipster band! Or maybe Vohaul put it up as a reminder to do something chudly with cannons later.

[NARR2379] Narrator: You eat a small piece of the poster.

[NARR2377] Narrator: You outgrew poster-collecting a few years after dropping out of community college. Not to mention your collection was more risqu� than this. (Duplicate)

[NARR2380] Narrator: It's funny how as time goes on and more alien races are discovered, the term 'Unidentified Flying Object' slowly stops referring to alien spacecrafts, and leans towards mysterious items lobbed at one's head.

[NARR2381] Narrator: These must be some of young Vohaul's elderly relatives. Good looks sure don't run in this family's bloodline.

[NARR2382] Narrator: You flick the light on and off a few times. Vohaul scowls at you until you stop.

[NARR2383] Narrator: It's a plain desktop lamp. Sorry.

[NARR2384] Narrator: You pop the bulb in your mouth and do your best Uncle Fester impression. Vohaul stares at you blankly until you apologize and return the bulb to its rightful place.

[NARR2385] Narrator: Vohaul is playing with those right now. You wouldn't want to make him cry, would you?

[NARR2386] Narrator: Vohaul seems to be going through his play chemicals very quickly. All that remain are two vials of red and blue.

[NARR2387] Narrator: Throwing all your faith in the ages 8+ label, you take a few swigs of Vohaul's play chemicals and hope you don't go blind.

[NARR2388] Narrator: This is neither the time nor the age, Roger.

[NARR2389] Narrator: Ooh, the classic!

[NARR2390] Narrator: Having one of these go through your bowels is exactly as fun as it sounds!

[NARR2391] Narrator: You can't open the drawers while he's sitting there. Besides, you don't need to.

[NARR2392] Narrator: It's little Vohaul's little desk.

[NARR2393] Narrator: You didn't need to lick it to know it tastes dusty, but you did.

[NARR2394] Narrator: You would, but you don't feel like walking two feet.

[NARR2395] Narrator: Young Vohaul's shelves contain several books on mad science as well as a globe of some poor unsuspecting world.

[NARR2393] Narrator: You didn't need to lick it to know it tastes dusty, but you did. (Duplicate)

[NARR2396] Narrator: The last time you reached for the stars, one of them put a restraining order on you.

[NARR2397] Narrator: It's a map of what seems to be the Zeta 2 Reculi-region. Now all you need are a few probes and you can spend the next hour scanning for minerals.

[NARR2398] Narrator: You eat the map, then regurgitate it back on the wall in perfect condition. This is why you don't get invited to more parties, Roger.

[NARR2396] Narrator: The last time you reached for the stars, one of them put a restraining order on you. (Duplicate)

[NARR2399] Narrator: It's a picture of a galaxy you don't recognize, but you'll probably friend it on Facebook anyway.

[NARR2398] Narrator: You eat the map, then regurgitate it back on the wall in perfect condition. This is why you don't get invited to more parties, Roger. (Duplicate)

[NARR2400] Narrator: It's a small ceramic mug with the imprint of a Teddy bear on it.

[NARR2401] Narrator: It is presently filled with imitation grape juice.

[NARR2402] Narrator: It is presently filled with some of Vohaul's play chemicals.

[NARR2403] Narrator: You don't feel like sharing a drink with your arch nemesis-to-be right now.

[NARR2404] Narrator: You quickly switch the mugs.

[NARR2405] Narrator: Suddenly, you feel compelled to replace the juice mug you just stole.

[NARR2406] Narrator: Apparently, this juice mug is a key element to the memory and can't be stolen that easily.

[NARR2407] Narrator: Vohaul doesn't seem to notice the difference.

[NARR2408] Narrator: You'd rather keep the mug now.

[NARR2409] Narrator: You can't use that with the mug.

[NARR2410] Narrator: You check the rating on this book. Yep - ages 8+. Vohaul's not old enough to be mixing colors on his own.

[NARR2411] Narrator: Vohaul's looking at some kind of Jr. Einstein fireworks formula. According to the footnotes, mixing any form of sugary elements with these chemicals could cause an explosive reaction.

[NARR2412] Narrator: You smear your mouth all over the box of chemicals. Why do I hang around you, Roger?

[NARR2413] Narrator: Aha! Good thinking! You quickly fill the mug with chemicals from the red and blue vials, creating a nice purple solution in the process!

[NARR2414] Narrator: Don't get greedy. Save some chemicals for other people.

[NARR2415] Narrator: Careful! That's a good way to lose a hand!

[NARR2416] Narrator: You don't want to fill that with mystery chemicals.

705 - Vohaul's Mind - Living Room

[NARR2417] Narrator: He appears to be playing with a toy wagon and a toy car by banging them together. Ah, the wonders of a child's imagination.

Slash Vohaul: I'm Slash. I'm a big mean stupid-head who likes to pick on Sludge and steal his toys.

[NARR2418] Narrator: Don't bother, Roger, Sludge apparently doesn't remember his older brother too fondly.

[NARR2419] Narrator: Slash wouldn't be interested in that.

[NARR2420] Narrator: You can't reach the clock.

[NARR2421] Narrator: Almost ten already? Time flies when you're adventuring.

[NARR2422] Narrator: This is one of those non-voice-activated models.

[NARR2423] Narrator: The exit back to the atrium is through the kitchen.

[NARR2424] Narrator: You can eat in the kitchen, but you can't eat the kitchen. There are rules, Roger.

[NARR2425] Narrator: You have no time to sit down. Well, actually you do, but you need the exercise.

[NARR2426] Narrator: Looks comfy.

[NARR2427] Narrator: You find no cookies or crumbs between the cushions. Mrs. Vohaul keeps a clean house.

[NARR2428] Narrator: There's nothing out there worth exploring.

[NARR1901] Narrator: It's the front door. (Duplicate)

[NARR2429] Narrator: There's nothing out there worth tasting.

[NARR2430] Narrator: These stairs lead up to Vohaul's room.

[NARR2431] Narrator: They taste like stairs. What? Do you expect a brilliantly clever line every time you use that mouth cursor? It's good for eating, talking, breathing, and licking - and none of those apply to stairwells.

[NARR2432] Narrator: You have no use for the plants.

[NARR2433] Narrator: Looks like Mrs. Vohaul has a bit of a green thumb. No... wait. Never mind. It's plastic.

[NARR2434] Narrator: Tastes like new car.

[NARR2435] Narrator: As much as you'd like to tear this room apart, it's an integral part of Vohaul's memory and you don't want to damage him anymore than he already is.

[NARR2436] Narrator: You're standing in the den of the Vohaul household. The retro ambience brings back screaming memories of your own childhood, back when your parents didn't consider the traumatizing ramifications of aluminum wallpaper.

[NARR2437] Narrator: The room tastes cheesy.

[NARR2438] Narrator: Hmmm... he doesn't seem interested in this crappy little wagon anymore. You relieve him of it.

[NARR2439] Narrator: It's a little red wagon.

[NARR2440] Narrator: Surprisingly, that little wagon can't fit in your big mouth.

[NARR2441] Narrator: Vohaul's parents aren't the touchy-feely types.

[NARR2442] Narrator: Vohaul's parents look like they've stepped out of a more traditional family values-based time where life was perfect, families were idealistic, and everything else was communism.

[NARR2443] Narrator: Vohaul's parents wouldn't be interested in that.

707 - Vohaul's Mind - Beach

[NARR2444] Narrator: His mouth is plenty busy now.

[NARR2445] Narrator: That's not extreme enough to suit his interests.

[NARR2444] Narrator: His mouth is plenty busy now. (Duplicate)

[NARR2446] Narrator: You can't take the beach. People are using it right now.

[NARR2447] Narrator: Everything in sight indicates that you might possibly be at a beach.

[NARR2448] Narrator: You ate enough sand in your freshmen year.

[NARR2449] Narrator: You already had an umbrella. Don't get greedy.

[NARR2450] Narrator: This looks shady.

[NARR2451] Narrator: With a mighty breath, you blow the umbrella away.

[NARR2452] Narrator: Then, with a mighty inhale, you bring it back!

[NARR2453] Narrator: You try to make yourself a little cooler with the help of the cooler, but fail. You probably need a cooler cooler.

[NARR2454] Narrator: It's a cooler. It keeps things cool. That's pretty cool.

[NARR2455] Narrator: It's too cool to talk to you, Roger.

[NARR2456] Narrator: You've had your own bike stolen enough times as both a kid and an adult to know better.

[NARR2457] Narrator: It's a hover-bike with wheels!

[NARR2458] Narrator: You give it the good old spit-n-shine and somehow make it worse.

[NARR2459] Narrator: You'd wipe out long before you hit the waves.

[NARR2460] Narrator: Dude!

[NARR2461] Narrator: Salty. Almost as if someone had dipped it in the sea recently. How odd!

[NARR2462] Narrator: You went before the game started.

[NARR2463] Narrator: And she was never the wiser.

[NARR2464] Narrator: What an odd place to put an outhouse.

[NARR2465] Narrator: Funny. They don't smell like port-a-johns.

[NARR2466] Narrator: No! It was hard enough to bury!

[NARR2467] Narrator: You've cleverly hidden a barbell under the sand.

[NARR2468] Narrator: You ate enough sand in your freshman year.

[NARR2466] Narrator: No! It was hard enough to bury! (Duplicate)

[NARR2469] Narrator: You can't play in the sand with that.

[NARR2470] Narrator: You can only lift it a few inches before you start to feel irreparable damage in your lower spine.

[NARR2471] Narrator: You need to free your mind in order to bend reality to your will.

[NARR2472] Narrator: Oh, yeah. Guess you'll have to use your inventory or something.

[NARR2473] Narrator: You give the little wagon a push. It easily slides across the sand.

[NARR2474] Narrator: The wagon's stuck in the sand and you still can't carry the barbell. Now what do you do?

[NARR2475] Narrator: It's one of those heavy things you could never dream of lifting.

[NARR2476] Narrator: That's more metal than you can chew.

[NARR2477] Narrator: Why would you want to bury the barbell here?

[NARR2478] Narrator: You cleverly bury the barbell in the sand.

[NARR2479] Narrator: You lift the barbell as high as you can and place it in the wagon.

[NARR2480] Narrator: You're drawing a blank in regards to how you can use this with the barbell.

[NARR2481] Narrator: You take the mug since Vohaul is pre-occupied with something else.

[NARR2482] Narrator: It's Vohaul's favorite Teddy Bear mug. He's had this since he was five.

[NARR2483] Narrator: Try taking it first.

708 - Vohaul's Mind - Monolith Burger

[NARR2484] Narrator: Vohaul hands you a pen... what are you doing, Roger?

[NARR2485] Narrator: You take the pen and write something on the partial schematics. You then return the pen to Vohaul.

[NARR2486] Narrator: Ok, even I'm curious now.

[NARR2487] Narrator: There's a loud mechanical squealing noise from the back of the kitchen, followed by some chickens screaming and a deafening explosion. You decide not to investigate further.

[NARR2488] Narrator: You don't see anything interesting back here at the moment.

[NARR2489] Narrator: You're on the wrong side of the counter for that.

Monolith Vohaul: Welcome to Monolith Burger, home of the Arterial Clogger. May I take your order?

Monolith Manager: Yes, I would like a Mini Monolith with a side of Space Spuds and a small Tango�.

[NARR2490] Narrator: You watch as Vohaul rushes about to prepare the customer's meal, then watch the customer hastily gobble it up. He soon returns to the counter.

[NARR2491] Narrator: Careful! You might not get your hand back!

[NARR2492] Narrator: You're standing in Vohaul's memory of a Monolith Burger he used to work in.

[NARR2493] Narrator: It seems at one point, there was a Monolith Burger here on the moon, but it's long since shut down.

[NARR2494] Narrator: It would probably kill you.

[NARR2495] Narrator: Looks like the entrance to the toilets.

[NARR2496] Narrator: You would be better off licking the floor.

[NARR2497] Narrator: You resist the urge to pick it up. That was someone's else job a long time ago, and you'll be darned if they get away with someone else doing it.

[NARR2498] Narrator: There's some garbage on the table.

[NARR2499] Narrator: Ummm... no.

[NARR2500] Narrator: The floor has enough germs on it already without adding yours.

[NARR2501] Narrator: This is the floor. It is used to thwart gravity.

[NARR2502] Narrator: You would be better off licking the bathroom door.

[NARR2503] Narrator: That part of the floor is clean enough.

[NARR2504] Narrator: Don't leave your stuff lying around! This isn't some text adventure where every scene is your own personal storage room.

[NARR2505] Narrator: These tills have countermeasures because of people like you.

[NARR2506] Narrator: Wow, these tills are old! The ones you have seen in other Monoliths automatically debit the customer's account. These actually have money!

[NARR2507] Narrator: These tills have long since been cleaned out. Of money anyway.

[NARR2508] Narrator: Tills used to be voice-activated, but it made theft all too easy for criminals who knew how to say 'please.'

[NARR2509] Narrator: You pour yourself a cup of Tango� from the nozzle. Yuck! Without carbonation to distract your senses, this foul beverage is now free to wreck havoc on your tastebuds!

[NARR2510] Narrator: You pour yourself a cup of Tango� from the nozzle. It tastes just as foul as ever, but at least there's bubbles!

[NARR2511] Narrator: This is the Tango� dispenser. A light indicates that it's out of CO2.

[NARR2512] Narrator: This is the Tango� dispenser, now with plenty of CO2.

[NARR2513] Narrator: You're not in high school anymore, Roger. Big boys drink out of cups, not nozzles.

[NARR2514] Narrator: The production bin is empty.

[NARR2515] Narrator: This is what is known in the industry as the 'Production Bin'. Its job is to keep the food warm (and uncontaminated) until it is served to the customer - but you'll fix that, won't you, Roger?

[NARR2516] Narrator: Aaahhh... the taste of a thousand pre-cooked meals absorbed into the metal. That can't be good for you.

[NARR2517] Narrator: Hey! Stop ruining the burgers!

[NARR2518] Narrator: Don't bother. Vohaul doesn't want that bleached burger in there anymore.

[NARR2519] Narrator: You put the Mini-Burger in the production bin.

[NARR2520] Narrator: You can't use that with the production bin.

[NARR2521] Narrator: You pull the handle, but nothing happens. Looks like it's broken.

Roger: This looks like a job for a repair-person. I'll make a call. They should be in on Tuesday.

[NARR2522] Narrator: Or you could open that panel under the counter and fix it yourself.

[NARR2523] Narrator: You pull the handle slightly and ice cream starts to flow out. Seems to be working, Roger! I believe some thanks are in order.

[NARR2524] Narrator: This machine makes Monolith's famous MonoFlairies. It is one of their most popular menu items, especially on a hot day like today. The machine is also famous... for breaking down on hot days.

[NARR2513] Narrator: You're not in high school anymore, Roger. Big boys drink out of cups, not nozzles. (Duplicate)

[NARR2525] Narrator: You pop open the MonoFlairy machine and find some messed-up wiring inside as well as a copy of the machine's schematics attached to the inside panel. You decide to leave it alone for the moment.

[NARR1921] Narrator: Nothing happens. (Duplicate)

[NARR2526] Narrator: You have no desire to walk around with your pants full of space spuds.

[NARR2527] Narrator: This is where the Space Spuds are produced. Cooked spuds fall out of the top hood once they are cooked and fall into the tray at the bottom ready for salting and serving. Judging by the lack of customers, this batch will probably last all week!

[NARR2528] Narrator: You sneakily munch on a space spud. Now you know why they salt them - it's to hide their real taste!

[NARR2529] Narrator: You find a giant wad of what was once fries at the bottom of the vat. You decide not to eat it.

[NARR2530] Narrator: You sneakily much on a space spud. It tastes salty!

[NARR2531] Narrator: You dump the salt all over the spuds. Should be enough to tide it over until someone can refill the salt pot.

[NARR2532] Narrator: Don't dump that in the space spuds!

[NARR2533] Narrator: Don't bother fixing the robot. It's supposed to be like that.

[NARR2534] Narrator: This is the offical mascot of the Monolith Burger franchise. No one's a hundred percent on it's meaning just yet, but there are theories.

[NARR2535] Narrator: It's broken, Roger, and you just made it worse.

[NARR2536] Narrator: You'll take one when you're thirsty.

[NARR2537] Narrator: The ghost cups are cold to the touch. They must be angry with you.

[NARR2538] Narrator: It's a stack of cups.

[NARR2539] Narrator: It's a stack of ghost cups.

[NARR2540] Narrator: There's nothing you can do to the cups with your mouth... so far.

[NARR2541] Narrator: This is no time for a seance with ghost cups.

[NARR2542] Narrator: Great! Now your hands are all sticky. Well done!

[NARR2543] Narrator: Oops! Looks like a janitor around here isn't doing their job!

[NARR2544] Narrator: Bleagh! Not only is the spilled soda sticky and horrible to taste, but it's flat!

[NARR2545] Narrator: Through the magic of fade-to-black, the nasty spill is soon eradicated!

[NARR2546] Narrator: Good thinking, but bleach isn't much good unless you have something to wipe it up with afterward.

[NARR2547] Narrator: That would only make the mess worse.

[NARR2548] Narrator: This is the Jumbo Monolith. According to its trademark it is twopartiallybeefpattiesnotsospecialsaucebrownlettucemoldycheesepicklesoniononapermabun. *pant pant* That's a long word.

[NARR2549] Narrator: This is the Mini Monolith. It is just one piece of meat in a permabun, so normally only kids and people on diets eat them.

[NARR2517] Narrator: Hey! Stop ruining the burgers! (Duplicate)

[NARR2520] Narrator: You can't use that with the production bin. (Duplicate)

[NARR2550] Narrator: The selection at Monolith Burger never changes. You can't decide whether that's a good or a bad thing.

[NARR2551] Narrator: These are just photographs. Even so, they are a lot more appetizing than the stuff they depict.

[NARR2552] Narrator: You shouldn't be trying to order lousy fast food now, Roger! There are lives at stake.

[NARR2553] Narrator: It's just your average air vent.

[NARR2554] Narrator: That'd lead to some really freaky stuff if you were currently playing '7 Days A Skeptic'. Too bad you're not.

[NARR2555] Narrator: Predictably, there are no Furkunz in these vents. There may be a couple in the burgers, though.

709 - Vohaul's Mind - Monolith Burger - Monoflairy Close-up

[NARR2556] Narrator: I'm back!

[NARR2557] Narrator: Okay, she's reading the schematics into Vohaul's ear, so hopefully he should remember how to fix the machine. Now, no more taking advantage of the narrator! I've got powers too, you know!

[NARR2558] Narrator: As if by magic, the MonoFlairy's schematics appear on the inside of the panel.

[NARR2559] Narrator: You close the panel.

[NARR2560] Narrator: This is the inside panel for the MonoFlairy controls.

[NARR2561] Narrator: You're already breathing heavily on it.

[NARR2562] Narrator: You don't need to carry around a piece of scrap paper.

[NARR2563] Narrator: Something was stuck here. It was probably important, but the little piece that is left is blank.

Roger: Hey, Vohaul said that this must be the only Monolith in the galaxy without them... What if...

[NARR2564] Narrator: Who? Me?

[NARR2565] Narrator: What do you want, Roger?

[NARR2566] Narrator: What? That's not my job!

[NARR2567] Narrator: I don't know, I'm really not supposed to do things like that. I just read the script and dictate your life.

[NARR2568] Narrator: My job IS important! You'd be nothing without me!

[NARR2569] Narrator: Not possible, Roger.

[NARR2570] Narrator: It says 'The Narrator Sucks.' Wait - what? Oh, yeah - real mature, Roger.

[NARR2571] Narrator: It says 'The Narrator Sucks.' Will you stop doing that?

[NARR2298] Narrator: No! (Duplicate)

[NARR2572] Narrator: It says 'The Narrator Sucks.' Stop it!

[NARR2573] Narrator: For the last time, NO!

[NARR2574] Narrator: It says... Arrrgh, okay! I give up! I'll take your frickin' message. Just promise you'll stop doing that!

[NARR2575] Narrator: Okay then... what's the message?

[NARR2576] Narrator: You give the paper a nibble.

[NARR2577] Narrator: You wouldn't know where to start.

[NARR2578] Narrator: All right! With the schematics in hand, you're now ready to take on the notorious Monoflairy repair puzzle!

Roger: You mean I get to decipher these obscure instructions, cross wires and flip switches until everything's in proper working order?

[NARR2579] Narrator: Get ready for puzzle-solving in five, four, three, two... one! Go!

[NARR2580] Narrator: The machine revs to life!

[NARR2581] Narrator: You already fixed it.

[NARR2582] Narrator: You never imagined the inner workings of a MonoFlairy machine could be so complicated. Maybe this is why kicking the TV never works.

[NARR2583] Narrator: Don't eat the inner workings of the machine. You'll need those.

[NARR2584] Narrator: They schematics are better off the way they are now.

[NARR2585] Narrator: These are the schematics for the MonoFlairy machine.

[NARR2586] Narrator: You ask, but they aren't telling.

710 - Vohaul's Mind - Monolith Burger - Kitchen

[NARR2587] Narrator: Don't take the room! You need it to stand in!

[NARR2588] Narrator: You're standing in the kitchen of the Monolith Burger. This is where the magic happens.

[NARR2589] Narrator: The acoustics in here are drowned out by the loud sizzle of the grill.

[NARR2590] Narrator: Hmmm... you can't seem to be able to open or close the valve on this thing. Maybe it's stuck?

[NARR2591] Narrator: The valve turns, but you'd rather just leave it alone.

[NARR2592] Narrator: It is a very tall, solid canister of CO2.

[NARR2593] Narrator: It's like kissing a droid. Not that you'd know... would you?

[NARR2594] Narrator: You give it a good smack with the hammer. Finally, the valve turns loose and the carbon dioxide is free to infect the local drinking beverages.

[NARR2591] Narrator: The valve turns, but you'd rather just leave it alone. (Duplicate)

[NARR2595] Narrator: That won't loosen the valve.

[NARR2596] Narrator: Just for kicks, you place your hand on the sizzling grill and slam the lid down on it several excruciating times. Surprisingly, you're no closer to accomplishing your goal.

[NARR2597] Narrator: It looks like a giant waffle-maker!

[NARR2598] Narrator: You waft in the charred scent of thousands of pre-processed meals. Mmmm... spicy!

[NARR2599] Narrator: The conveyor belt seems to be broken, and there's nothing you can do to fix it.

[NARR2600] Narrator: It's an unmotivated motivator designed to carry food-like products to the till.

[NARR2601] Narrator: You drag your tongue across the belt, but learn nothing.

[NARR2602] Narrator: You wave, but the crane doesn't wave back.

[NARR2603] Narrator: It's a mysterious crane hook.

[NARR2604] Narrator: There's very little your mouth can do to this hook from this distance, Roger, other than yell or spit at it.

[NARR2605] Narrator: Your days of burger-making are over.

[NARR2606] Narrator: Lettuce, pickle, ketchup, mustard, mayo, yep - that gang's all here.

[NARR2607] Narrator: You talk to the condiments, but if you want funny responses, you're going to have to go back a few sequels.

[NARR2608] Narrator: It leads to the employees' lounge.

[NARR2609] Narrator: Saying 'Open Sesame' has never worked before. Why should it start now?

[NARR2610] Narrator: They've all fused together.

[NARR2611] Narrator: Right, or you could simply not take any.

[NARR2612] Narrator: It's the heart, soul, and rectum of the infamous Monolith Burger, the PERMA-BUN: The bun that stays a bun long after you've eaten it.

[NARR2613] Narrator: Careful, Roger! A perma-bun can be lethal without the proper condiments/antidotes.

[NARR2614] Narrator: Even if you could reach the fan, you still couldn't do anything intelligent with it. Or anything that would leave your fingers intact, for that matter.

[NARR2615] Narrator: All the vapor from the grill either ends up on the ceiling or in here where it gets relocated to another ceiling.

[NARR2616] Narrator: You hawk a loogie inside the ventilation fan and it ends up somewhere in New Jersey.

[NARR2617] Narrator: You can't carry sauce in your bare hands! Well, you could, but then you'd have to wash your hands every time you dug around in your pockets. Tell you what - just ignore the sauce for now.

[NARR2618] Narrator: One of these barrels contains the Monolith Burger secret sauce, and in the other is last week's secret sauce. See if you can guess which is which!

[NARR2619] Narrator: You take a sip and enjoy its rich saucy flavor. It's nice to find unlikely food items in a Space Quest game that won't kill you.

[NARR2620] Narrator: You grab him and shake him and bend him and break him, but he just doesn't wake up.

[NARR2621] Narrator: It's Steve the cook, one of Vohaul's Ferbangi co-workers.

[NARR2622] Narrator: He seems to be engaged in a popular form of workplace meditation cleverly engineered to reduce the feeling of discomfort in tired employees, commonly referred to as 'taking a nap'.

[NARR2623] Narrator: Much like King Arthur retrieving the Excalibur, you take the mop and bucket into your arsenal.

[NARR2624] Narrator: You should be quite familiar with what these are. Heck, I'll kick you if you aren't.

[NARR2625] Narrator: How many times do I have to tell you? Not in public!

[NARR2626] Narrator: My, my - what have we here? A veritable treasure trove of janitorial supplies, and an over-eager janitor with grabby hands!

Roger: With all this stuff, I could finish the game in no time! I feel like a kid in a candy store!

[NARR2627] Narrator: Which is why you can only take ONE, Roger.

[NARR2628] Narrator: Don't give me that attitude or we're turning this game around and going right back to Space Quest 6.

[NARR2629] Narrator: You reach out and nab a spray bottle full of bleach.

[NARR2630] Narrator: Everybody gets one.

[NARR2631] Narrator: This box looks to be full of cleaning supplies - everything from Grolwarts Gum Remover to Zintocks floor scrubber.

[NARR2632] Narrator: You inhale the fumes. Yeeeeaaaahhhhh... that's the stuff. Actually, some of it's poisonous. Good thing you can't get hurt in here.

[NARR2633] Narrator: The conveyor belt seems to be broken. Just put the burger on the pan up front.

[NARR2634] Narrator: That doesn't belong in the production bin!

[NARR2635] Narrator: You jab Steve with the shard a few times. He squirms and bleeds a little, but remains asleep.

[NARR2636] Narrator: He's too comatose to pay any attention to that.

711 - Vohaul's Mind - Monolith Burger - Break Room

[NARR2637] Narrator: There are several hilarious notices about health and safety, worker's rights, new menu items, and warnings about personal hygiene. In fact, every time you glance at the board, you happen to see a new one and laugh yourself silly over it. It's too bad you're not in this game, or you could read them too!

[NARR2638] Narrator: These notices are important, leave them alone.

[NARR2639] Narrator: If you want to complain about these policies, you would be better off talking to the manager.

[NARR2640] Narrator: Its a row of standard Mark IV lockers.

[NARR2641] Narrator: They're all locked. Maybe it's for the best. You really don't want to meet the weirdo who lives behind them.

[NARR2642] Narrator: The lockers taste better than the food.

[NARR2643] Narrator: This water cooler is the social epicenter of this fine establishment.

[NARR2644] Narrator: You push on the water cooler's tab, but nothing comes out. The water must be on break as well.

[NARR2645] Narrator: I could throw in a cheap hamster cage water bottle gag here, but I'm just going to enjoy the mental imagery instead.

[NARR2646] Narrator: You've found the reactor core of the Monolith Burger staff. Now all you need is a proton torpedo so you can blow this thing and go home.

[NARR2647] Narrator: Leave it alone for now. You'll be messing around with a coffee maker in another fan-game soon enough.

[NARR2648] Narrator: A quick taste of the coffee reveals someone made decaf. No wonder morale's so low around here.

[NARR2649] Narrator: These coffee cups haven't been washed in ages.

[NARR2650] Narrator: You try to grab one of the coffee cups, but the tiny lifeforms living inside jab at your finger with their tiny spears.

[NARR2651] Narrator: You have no desire to drink out of these cups.

[NARR2652] Narrator: All employees are required to wash their hands in here. No employees do.

[NARR2653] Narrator: You wash your hands and set an example for the staff. That'll show them.

[NARR2654] Narrator: Good idea. All this adventuring makes you thirsty.

[NARR2655] Narrator: It's either a microwave or a hypersonic multiphase particle discombobulator. Either way, you haven't got a clue how to use it.

[NARR2656] Narrator: You'd rather avoid touching this thing. You may already have a kid on its way, but you never know when it'll want a brother or sister.

[NARR2657] Narrator: Tastes like irradiated chicken.

[NARR2658] Narrator: It's not actually a real pizza. It's a glass sculpture permanently fixed to the table, to give the room a more 'authentic' feel.

[NARR2659] Narrator: You knock on the fake pizza made of glass and it makes a sound rather similar to that which a fake pizza made of glass would make when being knocked upon.

[NARR2660] Narrator: You lick the glass pizza and are pleasantly surprised to find that it actually has the flavor of a real pizza. The excitement fades soon, however, as you realize how many others must have licked it before you.

[NARR2661] Narrator: Tables, chairs, floor... yep. You're standing in a break room.

[NARR2662] Narrator: You can take a break, but you can't take a break room.

[NARR2663] Narrator: Save your appetite on bigger rooms. You don't want to fill up on a small room like this.

[NARR2664] Narrator: Hey! Look! Something healthy in a Monolith Burger - a Power Bar! And no one seems to have dibs on it!

[NARR2665] Narrator: Pick the Power Bar up first at least.

[NARR2666] Narrator: A tiny Mini-Monolith Burger sits on the table.

[NARR2167] Narrator: Maybe you should take it first. (Duplicate)

[NARR2667] Narrator: As counter-intuitive as this may seem, you have no desire to do anything with Charlie's milkshake. Other than maybe quote a good movie.

[NARR2668] Narrator: It's a Monolith Mono-Shakey! The shaken-up simulated dairy product with a flavor!

[NARR2669] Narrator: You don't need that nasty burger anymore.

[NARR2670] Narrator: The bleached burger sits on the floor, having served its purpose.

[NARR2671] Narrator: After what it did to Charbie? Forget it!

[NARR2672] Narrator: Charbie wouldn't want you to replace his burger with that.

712 - Vohaul's Mind - Monolith Burger - Store Room

[NARR2673] Narrator: It's a big tub with the word 'salt' on the side. I wonder what's in it?

[NARR2674] Narrator: You try to pick up the tub, but it is far too heavy. Perhaps you should try something different.

[NARR2675] Narrator: Too much salt is bad for you Roger, and this is WAY too much!

[NARR2676] Narrator: You scoop up some salt.

[NARR2677] Narrator: Maybe the bucket is over-kill. I mean, that's already your daily intake of salt right there.

[NARR98] Narrator: That doesn't need salt.

[NARR2678] Narrator: It's a bunch of CO2 canisters, quietly waiting out their pathetic lives.

[NARR2679] Narrator: You'd need a forklift to lift one of these things. Fortunately, there's a forklift right here. Now you need the keys. And whoever had the keys went home.

[NARR2680] Narrator: It's like kissing a droid... not that you'd know... would you?

[NARR2681] Narrator: Hey, look at that! Propane and propane accessories!

[NARR2682] Narrator: Do I even have to tell you it's out of reach?

[NARR2683] Narrator: There's no way you could ever get your mouth up there.

[NARR2684] Narrator: A bag of onions sits majestically out of reach.

[NARR2685] Narrator: Mmmm... Ketchup King! It's gotta be good if they've got a 'King' brand name, right?

Roger: My Gerblanese is a bit rusty, but from what I remember, the sign on that box says 'Dog-like underpass of medieval patronage'.

[NARR2686] Narrator: Really?

[NARR2687] Narrator: Well done, Roger, well done.

[NARR2688] Narrator: Meat, ketchup, onion, mustard, and... potatoes! All five food groups are here!

[NARR2689] Narrator: You're pretty sure it's either calamari, or here to eat the chicken stock.

[NARR2690] Narrator: A forklift, presumably a remnant from an earlier rejected puzzle, stands alone in the storeroom, never to be used again.

[NARR2691] Narrator: You need the key to operate it. And whoever has the key, went home.

[NARR2692] Narrator: You'd need a huge fork to eat this forklift.

[NARR2693] Narrator: You're in a Monolith Burger. I don't think health is much of an issue.

[NARR2694] Narrator: It's an old-fashioned contraption used to render meat into a bloody pulp. This location bought it from a police auction shortly after a raid on an English pie shop.

[NARR2695] Narrator: You're standing in the Monolith Burger store room. To the right is a massive stockpile of salt. Everything else looks like filler.

[NARR2696] Narrator: You feel around, but discover no secret passages.

[NARR2697] Narrator: Tastes like...a store room, actually. Nothing disgusting - just a store room. Consider yourself lucky, Roger.

[NARR2698] Narrator: You don't want any cats.

[NARR2699] Narrator: It's full of cats.

[NARR2700] Narrator: You're not hungry for cats.

713 - Vohaul's Mind - Inner Sanctum

[NARR2701] Narrator: This must the be the inner sanctum of Vohaul's subconsciousness. As you can see, he seems to be dwelling on only one thing these days.

[NARR2702] Narrator: Either way, Vohaul seems to be rather docile at the moment. This is a good chance to snoop around and see what's repressing his memories.

[NARR2703] Narrator: You're standing in the inner sanctum of Vohaul's subconsciousness. Judging from the decor, you'd imagine you weren't welcome here.

[NARR2704] Narrator: You'd love to pick Vohaul's brain, but not literally.

[NARR2705] Narrator: Your voice echoes through the chamber.

[NARR2706] Narrator: Judging from the pathetic bone structure, this lovely painting depicts you being subjected to a buttload of electricity.

[NARR2707] Narrator: You have no desire to touch any of your deathly doppelgangers.

[NARR2708] Narrator: You'd rather not. They might talk back.

[NARR2709] Narrator: The giant stone head appears to be docile, but anything could happen in a place like this.

[NARR2710] Narrator: This isn't gym class, Roger. You're up here for a reason.

[NARR2711] Narrator: You speak a few words to the sleeping giant, but it remains motionless.

[NARR2712] Narrator: What appears to be a crystal squeegee is stuck in Vohaul's head. It seems Vohaul's got only one thing on his mind.

[NARR2713] Narrator: You can't reach it from down there.

[NARR2714] Narrator: Uh-oh. Now you've done it! You've really done it!!!!

[NARR2715] Narrator: You almost got it! Try a couple more cursors!

[NARR2716] Narrator: If you had fallen victim to the jello-rays of the pirates of Pestulon back in 'Space Quest III', this is probably the state you'd have found yourself in.

[NARR2717] Narrator: If the acid in the caverns of Kerona had got the better of you back in 'Space Quest I', this is what you would have looked like.

[NARR2718] Narrator: Looking at this painting, you can't help but wonder what would have happened if you hadn't successfully escaped the Arcada in 'Space Quest I'.

[NARR2719] Narrator: I guess what they say is true: sudden decompression sucks.

[NARR2720] Narrator: The pants of this statue are unmistakably yours, but the state of its face makes you happy you always look where you walk. Or that you try to, at least.

[NARR2721] Narrator: Yowza! Your feet still look good here, but the rest of you seems to have fallen victim to the hot climate of Ortega.

[NARR2722] Narrator: Looking at this effigy, you vaguely remember a beautiful, but somewhat authoritative woman with a harpoon gun. Makes you glad you seemingly followed her orders, whatever they were.

[NARR2723] Narrator: If your childhood hadn't made you great at dodging loogies, this homely Pukoid mug could have been yours back in 'Space Quest V'.

[NARR2724] Narrator: Seeing yourself without a head makes you appreciate that you always think twice before opening an airlock door.

[NARR2725] Narrator: You have always attracted comments about people being able to see right through you, but this puts a new spin on the phrase.

[NARR2726] Narrator: That seems to be your head within a helmet, bracing itself for a meeting with the vacuum of outer space.

[NARR2727] Narrator: Had you not turned out to be a janitor, a career as Cream Roger would've would've been a viable way of earning some dough. Of course, you'd have to die first.

[NARR2728] Narrator: You don't remember meeting a giant bird like that, but you're glad you managed to avoid it.

[NARR2729] Narrator: I'd say something witty about this potential death of yours, but I'm afraid the joke might fall flat.

714 - Vohaul's Mind - Cliff Edge

[NARR2730] Narrator: Eep! You're on your own, Roger. I'm outta here!

718 - Vohaul's Mind - Brain

Roger: YES! I've shown it to everyone and everything! Vohaul's goons, the Furkunz, a giant cat...

[NARR2731] Narrator: Roger Wilco, you finally got rid of that highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass! What are you going to do now?!

802 - Renegade Outro - Seabed

[NARR3127] Narrator: Several years later, on a far-off ocean world...

810 - Outro - Mallard Cockpit

Roger: After all, how hard can it be to take care of one little toddler? Just you, me, and little Roger Jr.

[NARR2732] Narrator: And on that bombshell, it's time to end the game. Good night!

[NARR2733] Narrator: Well, it looks like Roger's going to have his hands full trading in his trusty mop for a baby stroller and learning to solve diaper-changing puzzles. But is this really the end of our intrepid space hero's adventures, or are new ones still waiting around the next cosmic turnpike?

[NARR2734] Narrator: We want to thank you for playing our Space Quest fan-game 'Vohaul Strikes Back'! We've had about as much fun making it as you did waiting for it! Now here's some credits.

Global Script

[NARR42] Narrator: Presto! As the last tile slides into position, the puzzle is solved!

Comment: The code is randomly generated and different in every game. I guess this'll take a bit of a creative approach when it comes to voice acting :D For example: "It reads... *cough*blahblah*cough*"

[NARR43] Narrator: Looking more closely at the puzzle, you see an inscription with a four digit code.

[NARR44] Narrator: It reads: ####

[NARR45] Narrator: This puzzle is fairly sticky from the spilled Smarm but still playable.

[NARR48] Narrator: That doesn't seem to be a valid code. (Duplicate)

[NARR50] Narrator: The only place this goes is in the Aluminum Mallard's onboard computer.

[NARR51] Narrator: The case is pretty useless there.

[NARR52] Narrator: You use the piece of highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass from the Aluminum Mallard on it, but nothing happens.

[NARR53] Narrator: Don't throw money away on that.

[NARR54] Narrator: Don't waste duct tape on that.

[NARR55] Narrator: You can't fill the bucket with that. Or maybe you can but we just don't want you to.

[NARR56] Narrator: That doesn't need a disguise.

[NARR57] Narrator: Watch it! That bone isn't a toy!

[NARR58] Narrator: This is not where your empties go.

[NARR59] Narrator: The blanket doesn't help.

[NARR60] Narrator: Now's no time for splashing around.

[NARR61] Narrator: After all the trouble you went through to get it, you're just going to throw your wallet away on that?

[NARR62] Narrator: It's unimpressed. It clearly has no idea how important this clipboard makes you.

[NARR63] Narrator: That cannot be locked nor picked.

[NARR64] Narrator: You shine some light on the subject in question and learn nothing.

[NARR65] Narrator: You beat it senseless with the laminated ID, which takes many, many hours, and leaves no permanent damage.

[NARR66] Narrator: You press the button, but nothing happens. Looks like there isn't a vacuum cleaner here.

[NARR67] Narrator: That already has a tiny umbrella. Just not with it.

[NARR68] Narrator: You worked hard to get these. Better not waste them on that.

[NARR69] Narrator: I thought you were supposed to know how to use these.

[NARR70] Narrator: Doing that would be a waste of the anchovies.

[NARR71] Narrator: Sitting down with it for a spot of tea is not on your schedule right now.

[NARR58] Narrator: This is not where your empties go. (Duplicate)

[NARR72] Narrator: Whatever you're clicking it on isn't thirsty.

[NARR73] Narrator: That's even more puzzling than the puzzle.

[NARR74] Narrator: That doesn't need masking.

[NARR75] Narrator: That's not the general's ship.

[NARR62] Narrator: It's unimpressed. It clearly has no idea how important this clipboard makes you. (Duplicate)

[NARR76] Narrator: The permit is not permitted there.

[NARR77] Narrator: That probably needs freshening, but you'd rather just hoard the freshness for yourself.

[NARR78] Narrator: The hacksaw can't cut through that. Or maybe it can and you just don't want to.

[NARR79] Narrator: Library books don't get returned there.

[NARR80] Narrator: Chaining that up wouldn't be valuable at this junction.

[NARR74] Narrator: That doesn't need masking. (Duplicate)

[NARR76] Narrator: The permit is not permitted there. (Duplicate)

[NARR81] Narrator: It's had enough Smarm already.

[NARR82] Narrator: Don't throw away your empties there. Throw them somewhere useful.

[NARR83] Narrator: The little penguin may not appreciate being used in that way. It may not appreciate being used at all.

[NARR84] Narrator: The tram codes are for your eyes only.

[NARR85] Narrator: It's not a cat, and therefore, not interested.

[NARR86] Narrator: You hammer it down and make sure it doesn't move.

[NARR87] Narrator: Nothing's clogged up over there.

[NARR88] Narrator: This remote only works near Vohaul's base.

[NARR89] Narrator: That doesn't need immediate spooning.

[NARR90] Narrator: That doesn't need a ride.

[NARR91] Narrator: That doesn't need teddy bear mugging.

[NARR92] Narrator: You press the bar against this piece of Vohaul's metaphysical consciousness, but nothing happens.

[NARR93] Narrator: That's not a burger-worthy place to put it.

[NARR94] Narrator: That doesn't want a bleach-covered hamburger.

[NARR95] Narrator: This doesn't call for bleach.

[NARR96] Narrator: Meh. Clean enough.

[NARR97] Narrator: If you do that, you may lose the hamster to the void of Vohaul's mind forever, and he doesn't need any more rodents running loose in here.

[NARR98] Narrator: That doesn't need salt. (Duplicate)

[NARR99] Narrator: Nice try, but it wouldn't get the joke.

[NARR100] Narrator: Flinging the banana peel about does no good.

[NARR101] Narrator: That doesn't need a home in a box.

[NARR102] Narrator: That would be a waste of a good explosive.

[NARR103] Narrator: If the crystal was going to give you any special powers, it would have done it by now.

[NARR104] Narrator: There's no fire there.

[NARR105] Narrator: Nothing to reel in over there.

[NARR106] Narrator: As much fun as it would be to blow this small piece of the moon, Dweeble wouldn't appreciate you wasting his grenades like that.

[NARR107] Narrator: Growing hair there would be good for a laugh, but also a good waste of miracle hair serum, and this stuff doesn't just come along every million parsecs.

[NARR108] Narrator: The defective charge isn't nearly strong enough to put that to sleep.

[NARR109] Narrator: The little droid calls out for help in that general direction, but nothing over there seems to speak its language.

[NARR110] Narrator: You COULD spill the ink over there, causing a slippery mess hazard, but that would violate the slipocrathic oath you took as a janitor.

[NARR111] Narrator: Nope. Wrong!

[NARR112] Narrator: This key only unlocks one thing and that's not it.

[NARR113] Narrator: While your conversation skills do need improving, I'd sooner recommend just using the mouth command.

[NARR114] Narrator: The bomb is not powerful enough to put that to sleep.

[NARR115] Narrator: It's already wired enough.

[NARR116] Narrator: Yes! Keep doing that! It SEEMS to be working!

[NARR117] Narrator: Error: Incompatible programs (Duplicate)

[NARR118] Narrator: Chaining yourself to anything may not immediately be the wisest course of action.

[NARR119] Narrator: And here I thought it was just Roger who guessed his way around.

[NARR120] Narrator: You spot a corner of the disc without scratches and hurry to correct that problem.

[NARR121] Narrator: You stick your tongue through the hole in the middle. We're obviously not giving you enough things to do in this game.

[NARR122] Narrator: It's the Aluminum Mallard's operating system recovery disc, complete with tiny scratch marks.

[NARR123] Narrator: The case says 'Mallard OS Recovery Disc' - which you have to admit makes a kind of sense. There seems to be some dimensionally transcendental documentation in the slipcase.

[NARR124] Narrator: You open the disc case and inside it you find... a disc!

[NARR125] Narrator: You don't need it right now.

[NARR126] Narrator: The manual could be helpful, sure, but not here.

[NARR127] Narrator: Hmm, tastes like knowledge.

[NARR128] Narrator: It's a roll of duct tape, the second most useful item in the whole known universe. THE most useful item in the whole known universe is, of course, the towel. Unfortunately, our budget didn't allow for one in this game, so you'll have to do without.

[NARR129] Narrator: As much as you'd like to cover your tongue in duct tape again, you don't really have the time for it. (Duplicate)

[NARR130] Narrator: That, and you can't stand the embarrassment of seeing the doctor roll his eyes that far back again.

[NARR131] Narrator: You pull off a short piece of tape and then reattach it to the roll. Hours of fun!

[NARR132] Narrator: It's the blanket that you found hanging on a tree.

[NARR133] Narrator: Contrary to what you may have been told, licking a blanket does NOT make you cool.

[NARR134] Narrator: The blanket feels smooth.

[NARR135] Narrator: It's an empty bottle of Super TropiBerry Blast X-Treme that you picked up from the Pie-ery. Apparently the ingredients are apple juice and food coloring.

[NARR136] Narrator: You already drank it all. That may explain the complaints from your liver.

[NARR137] Narrator: You can only get two of your fingers in before you become pathetically stuck. But no worries. Aside from a congealed drop of sticky liquid at the bottom, this bottle is quite empty and holds nothing of interest.

[NARR138] Narrator: This is a piece of highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass from the Aluminum Mallard.

[NARR139] Narrator: Chewing on glass has never been your favorite hobby.

[NARR140] Narrator: Leave it alone, you'll only cut yourself.

[NARR141] Narrator: It's one of those handy wallets. (Already recorded)

[NARR142] Narrator: You can still taste the cow!

[NARR143] Narrator: 489 Buckazoids and an ID - jackpot!

[NARR144] Narrator: You are carrying 12 buckazoids.

[NARR145] Narrator: You are carrying 501 buckazoids... in style!

[NARR146] Narrator: You have 1 buckazoid.

[NARR147] Narrator: You bite the buckazoid to see if it's real. You haven't bitten one before, though, so the results are inconclusive.

[NARR148] Narrator: Heads!

[NARR149] Narrator: Tails!

[NARR150] Narrator: It's the empty MC Cola bottle you so cleverly snatched from the shrine.

[NARR151] Narrator: It's still rather empty.

[NARR152] Narrator: You wipe some dust off the bottle.

[NARR153] Narrator: It's the flashlight you found in the hut.

[NARR154] Narrator: You lick off the dust from the flashlight to take full advantage of the illumination capabilities of this particular light-emitting apparatus. It tastes funny.

[NARR155] Narrator: You apply some duct tape to the flashlight.

[NARR156] Narrator: You can't attach that to the flashlight.

[NARR157] Narrator: It's the remote that controls the Vacuum cleaner. It has a single button on it, labeled 'ON/OFF'.

[NARR158] Narrator: You turn the flashlight on and off to see if it works. It does.

[NARR159] Narrator: That won't accomplish anything.

[NARR66] Narrator: You press the button, but nothing happens. Looks like there isn't a vacuum cleaner here. (Duplicate)

[NARR160] Narrator: Extravagant stick-on fake moustache - the only thing you need to disguise yourself beyond recognition! At least among apemen.

[NARR161] Narrator: You don't want to get fake hair in your mouth again.

[NARR162] Narrator: You attach the fake moustache to your face.

[NARR163] Narrator: Don't take off your disguise yet, Roger.

[NARR164] Narrator: There's no need to wear the fake moustache at this point.

[NARR165] Narrator: Al still wants and appreciates your feedback, Roger.

[NARR166] Narrator: You lick the clipboard a little. You lose more tastebuds that way.

[NARR167] Narrator: Smooth on one side, grainy on the other. Yep - that's genuine clipboard.

[NARR168] Narrator: Darn, it's one of those cheap Shonktolian V jobs, where the latch appears to be stuck and you can't clip the permit on. There must be another way to stick this on here.

[NARR169] Narrator: You smear some Smarm on the clipboard, causing it to become rather sticky.

[NARR170] Narrator: You put the sticky permit on the clipboard, making it stick there.

[NARR171] Narrator: Good idea, but somebody might find it suspicious if duct tape were plastered all over this thing. There must be something a little more subtle you can use.

[NARR172] Narrator: You can't stick that on the clipboard.

[NARR173] Narrator: Don't remove the permit yet, it's not signed.

[NARR174] Narrator: You have successfully pasted the permit on the clipboard. At first sight, you wouldn't even notice something odd about the clipboard.

[NARR175] Narrator: You don't need to lick the permit, it's already stuck on the clipboard.

[NARR176] Narrator: You rub your fingers over the sticky Smarm and somehow make it stickier.

[NARR177] Narrator: You've coated with clipboard with some sticky Smarm.

[NARR178] Narrator: There is nothing nourishing about licking dried-up Smarm off a sheet of paper.

[NARR179] Narrator: You put the permit on the sticky part of the clipboard, making it stick there.

[NARR172] Narrator: You can't stick that on the clipboard. (Duplicate)

[NARR180] Narrator: It's one of those hi-tech air fresheners that automatically generates pine-scented oxygen for travelers. You used to have one of these, but Beatrice made you throw it out and get a real life support system.

[NARR181] Narrator: Your breath is now piney fresh.

[NARR182] Narrator: The air freshener almost chokes smelling your finger.

[NARR183] Narrator: You place the air freshener inside the surgical mask, forming a makeshift gas mask.

[NARR184] Narrator: That doesn't need freshening.

[NARR185] Narrator: Vohaul's goon left a hacksaw in your cell. It's too dull and rusty to cut through metal - what the heck did they think you might use it for?

[NARR186] Narrator: Wait! Stop! Don't! I really don't want to describe that! Just... take my word for it that you don't need to use your mouth on the hacksaw to win this game.

[NARR187] Narrator: You carefully saw off the flaps on the artificial cardboard.

[NARR187] Narrator: You carefully saw off the flaps on the artificial cardboard. (Duplicate)

[NARR188] Narrator: Interesting! Now this box somewhat resembles that cleaner droid which keeps roaming out of here!

[NARR189] Narrator: You did that already!

[NARR190] Narrator: That doesn't need cutting.

[NARR191] Narrator: Great. Now you need a tetanus shot.

[NARR192] Narrator: The last prisoner to use your cell was apparently reading a hard-back copy of 'The In-Between World of Vikram LOL' the first book to ever be completely written is l33t-speak.

[NARR193] Narrator: As far as books go, this one tastes pretty good.

[NARR194] Narrator: Inside the cover, you find a note reading 'If found, please return to library. Code: ####'

[NARR195] Narrator: No wonder you couldn't cut through this manacle and chain - it's chrome steel. Nothing can break chrome steel! You'd have to a complete idiot to even think it's possible!

[NARR196] Narrator: It's already off your leg. You don't need to exert yourself on it anymore.

[NARR197] Narrator: This metal is very unchewable.

[NARR198] Narrator: Your efforts to break the chain are futile. Looks like you're going to be stuck with this thing forever.

[NARR199] Narrator: You've managed to unchain it from the bedpost, but it's still chained to your ankle and inconspicuously wrapped around your leg. You'll need to find some kind of key or locksmith to get this off.

[NARR200] Narrator: You try to chew through your foot, but the smell repels you.

[NARR201] Narrator: You fumble with the lock until finally you hear a click. You're free!

[NARR202] Narrator: Unfortunately, your clumsy handling has rendered the lockpick bent and useless, so you throw it away, much like all your other hobbies.

[NARR203] Narrator: That won't remove the chain from your ankle.

[NARR204] Narrator: These are the keys to General Forksmith's starfighter parked outside the gate. You can only imagine what you could do with these.

[NARR205] Narrator: You cleverly scrape the crud off your tongue using the keys. By the time this trip is over, you're gonna be a new man, Roger!

[NARR206] Narrator: The buttons don't seem to do anything other than make a fun squeaky sound. You entertain yourself with them for about ten minutes. This is definitely one of your better adventures.

[NARR207] Narrator: It's a germ catcher that conveniently fits around your face.

[NARR208] Narrator: Yep. Fits.

[NARR209] Narrator: You snap the elastics around for a while.

[NARR210] Narrator: You don't like the idea of taking the mask off - being able to inhale is quite nice!

[NARR211] Narrator: You can't put that in the surgical mask.

[NARR212] Narrator: Tastes like a puzzle.

[NARR213] Narrator: Smarm was a failed innovative brand - 'A Super Energy Drink in a Super Strong Can', especially designed to burst out when opened.

[NARR214] Narrator: You press the can against your chapped lips and let the moisture sink in. You really need to bring chapstick on these adventures.

[NARR215] Narrator: Don't open it! If that stuff sprays out, you'll have wasted a perfectly good explosive device!

[NARR216] Narrator: It's one of those rare cups of tea that can eat through metal. Careful not to spill any of THIS stuff on your lap!

[NARR217] Narrator: After all the trouble you went through NOT to drink it?

[NARR218] Narrator: As you wave your finger over it, a layer of skin starts to peel off.

[NARR219] Narrator: They feel squishy.

[NARR220] Narrator: It's a can of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa 1997. These things have been extinct for centuries; you imagine Merf paid quite a pretty penny for this can.

[NARR221] Narrator: The can easily peels open. These things smell surprisingly well-preserved after all these years.

[NARR222] Narrator: You lick one of the anchovies. You now have enough sustenance to carry on for several more weeks without food.

[NARR223] Narrator: It's a can of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa 1997. These things have been extinct for years; you imagine Merf paid quite a pretty penny for this can. (Duplicate)

[NARR224] Narrator: You should probably open the can first.

[NARR225] Narrator: You look at the blueprints, but their complexity outweighs your knowledge in architectural engineering. Much like a dust particle would.

[NARR226] Narrator: You'd look at the blueprints to remind yourself where to go, but you're already there. Better keep them in case you forget, though.

[NARR227] Narrator: You ask the fortress plans out for a drink, but it turns out they've already got other plans.

[NARR228] Narrator: I wouldn't recommend tearing the blueprints into pieces.

[NARR229] Narrator: It's a tiny little umbrella they normally serve with drinks. You once stabbed yourself in the eye with one of these.

[NARR230] Narrator: Yeah... let's not eat the umbrella.

[NARR231] Narrator: It can't be opened or closed. Only special umbrellas get to do that.

[NARR232] Narrator: Apparently, the wallet belonged to one Ridgenald Borstein, a rather homely health inspector with unkempt blonde hair and a peculiar moustache.

[NARR233] Narrator: You stop to ponder what he was doing building a snowman out in the middle of a frozen wasteland, and what ever became of him.

[NARR234] Narrator: You also wonder whose bone that was you found under the big skeleton.

[NARR235] Narrator: You chew on the edges a little. This does nothing to solve your problems, however. Maybe next time.

[NARR236] Narrator: Darn! It's laminated! You couldn't deface this with a Hyperion Death Ray!

[NARR237] Narrator: You have applied a short bit of the duct tape to the flashlight. It's ready to be attached somewhere, should such an action turn out to be necessary.

[NARR238] Narrator: You try to attach the flashlight to your tongue, but there isn't enough room.

[NARR239] Narrator: You adjust the tape a bit.

[NARR240] Narrator: It's the lockpick you got from Rulf. Now all you need is a locked door.

[NARR241] Narrator: Although it's officially referred to as a lockpick, you're pleased to discover it to be fully functional as a toothpick as well.

[NARR242] Narrator: You get excited about having successfully freed yourself from the handcuffs by using the lockpick, until you realize that you weren't cuffed in the first place.

[NARR201] Narrator: You fumble with the lock until finally you hear a click. You're free! (Duplicate)

[NARR243] Narrator: Unfortunately, your clumsy handling has rendered the lockpick bent and useless, so you throw it away much like all your other hobbies.

[NARR244] Narrator: That can't be picked.

[NARR245] Narrator: The bucket is bursting with dihydrogen oxide.

[NARR246] Narrator: You sip some of the glacier water and endure a terrible brain freeze moments later. A survivalist, you are not.

[NARR247] Narrator: Your hands are already freezing carrying this around.

[NARR248] Narrator: It's the femur of some poor former inhabitant of this planet.

[NARR249] Narrator: Picking your teeth with the cumbersome bone proves to be rather awkward.

[NARR250] Narrator: The term 'chilled to the bone' applies rather well here.

[NARR251] Narrator: The bucket is currently empty.

[NARR252] Narrator: You start to chew on the edges, and then remember this is how you ruined all your old buckets when you were a kid.

[NARR253] Narrator: The bucket feels plasticky.

[NARR254] Narrator: You tie the wire around the handle of the bucket.

[NARR255] Narrator: You can't attach that to the bucket. Of course that means at some point you WILL have something to attach to the bucket, but this is not that thing.

[NARR256] Narrator: It's the permit Ned gave you. Without the colonel's signature, it's pretty much useless, though.

[NARR257] Narrator: Yelling at it won't make it sign itself.

[NARR258] Narrator: You can't fill out this form with your finger.

[NARR168] Narrator: Darn, it's one of those cheap Shonktolian V jobs, where the latch appears to be stuck and you can't clip the permit on. There must be another way to stick this on here. (Duplicate)

[NARR170] Narrator: You put the sticky permit on the clipboard, making it stick there. (Duplicate)

[NARR259] Narrator: You smear some Smarm on the permit, causing it to become rather sticky.

[NARR260] Narrator: The permit can't go with that.

[NARR261] Narrator: The permit feels sticky, even to you.

[NARR262] Narrator: The back of the permit is now coated with a sticky film.

[NARR263] Narrator: The permit tastes sugary.

[NARR170] Narrator: You put the sticky permit on the clipboard, making it stick there. (Duplicate)

[NARR260] Narrator: The permit can't go with that. (Duplicate)

[NARR264] Narrator: You're carrying the legendary plumber's helper. On many a night, this tool has saved you a trip into the septic tank.

[NARR265] Narrator: Checking inside the head, you find some residue build-up. This plunger is clearly in need of some maintenance.

[NARR266] Narrator: You did that before the game started. No need to do it again so soon.

[NARR267] Narrator: This remote only works inside and around Vohaul's base.

[NARR268] Narrator: This is Never Kenezer's universal remote. This thing should theoretically control almost anything inside the base. You can't wait to try it out.

[NARR269] Narrator: Good thing no one was watching, or they would've seen a middle-aged man licking a remote control.

[NARR270] Narrator: You carefully examine it and come to the conclusion that there is - IN FACT - a spoon.

[NARR271] Narrator: Spoon!

[NARR272] Narrator: You do your best impression of a kid on a breakfast cereal commercial.

[NARR273] Narrator: You pinch your finger sticking it in places on the wagon it doesn't belong.

[NARR274] Narrator: It's a shiny red wagon you snatched from Vohaul's brother. I hope you had a good reason for that.

[NARR275] Narrator: The paint tastes fresh and goes down smooth.

[NARR276] Narrator: You scratch off one of the Teddy Bear eyes. Roger, you cad!

[NARR277] Narrator: This is Vohaul's favorite Teddy Bear mug. He's apparently used it from childhood straight through to graduation.

[NARR278] Narrator: It's filled with purple.

[NARR279] Narrator: You don't want to get Vohaul germs.

[NARR276] Narrator: You scratch off one of the Teddy Bear eyes. Roger, you cad! (Duplicate)

[NARR280] Narrator: Mmmm... purple Sugar-Juice.

[NARR279] Narrator: You don't want to get Vohaul germs. (Duplicate)

[NARR281] Narrator: You peel back the wrapper to see the punchline to the joke on the back on the bar. Ah - 'to get to the other side' - how clever!

[NARR282] Narrator: It's five tons of eggs, dried fruit, grains, protein, and fiber all held together with an artificial black hole generator built inside the bar.

[NARR283] Narrator: You don't eat health food.

[NARR284] Narrator: It feels minimally greasy.

[NARR285] Narrator: This is the Mini Monolith.

[NARR286] Narrator: Knowing how these are made, you are disinclined to eat them.

[NARR287] Narrator: It feels very greasy.

[NARR288] Narrator: This is a Jumbo Monolith. It is contaminated with bleach.

[NARR289] Narrator: That burger is covered in bleach, you know better than to eat it.

[NARR290] Narrator: You squirt some bleach into the air. Well done!

[NARR291] Narrator: This spray bottle contains Javasucks All-Purpose Bleach.

[NARR292] Narrator: You give the mophead a good wringing to get rid of some nasty excess moisture. I guess even on vacation, you just can't kick the habit.

[NARR293] Narrator: You should be quite familiar with what these are.

[NARR294] Narrator: How many times do I have to tell you... Not in public!

[NARR295] Narrator: You wipe the spoon with the thumb, losing the salt in the process.

[NARR296] Narrator: The spoon is full of salt. Interestingly enough, none of it has poured into the bottom of your pocket yet.

[NARR297] Narrator: You eat the salt. Hmmm... needs salt.

[NARR298] Narrator: Ouch! That little rat bites!

[NARR299] Narrator: This hamster was once the main power source of an evil killer robot. Now it's just Fluffums.

[NARR300] Narrator: You store the hamster in your cheek pouch for later use.

[NARR301] Narrator: I never feel comfortable when I see you carrying explosives, Roger.

[NARR302] Narrator: You pull the pin on the grenade and knock yourself out. Someone finds your unconscious body in a matter of minutes and executes it without hesitation. Congratulations, Roger - you are dead. But this is one of those convenient times when we'll just assume you want to 'TRY AGAIN,' so let's hope we learned our lesson, okay?

[NARR303] Narrator: You lick the grenade. You like to live on the edge.

[NARR304] Narrator: You jam the stun grenade into the bag of catnip.

[NARR305] Narrator: That wouldn't mesh well with the grenade.

[NARR306] Narrator: You try to rip off the flaps on the side, but you're too clumsy to make a straight tear.

[NARR307] Narrator: You've confiscated a cardboard box from the floor of Never's office. What now, Roger?

[NARR308] Narrator: Tastes like cardboard!

[NARR187] Narrator: You carefully saw off the flaps on the artificial cardboard. (Duplicate)

[NARR309] Narrator: You paint the box with the black ink.

[NARR310] Narrator: That won't help you modify the box in any useful way.

[NARR311] Narrator: You're... not really sure what else you could do to this box with your hands without destroying it.

[NARR312] Narrator: The flaps have been sawed off, so now you have a simple five-sided box.

[NARR308] Narrator: Tastes like cardboard! (Duplicate)

[NARR189] Narrator: You did that already! (Duplicate)

[NARR309] Narrator: You paint the box with the black ink. (Duplicate)

[NARR188] Narrator: Interesting! Now this box somewhat resembles that cleaner droid which keeps roaming out of here! (Duplicate)

[NARR310] Narrator: That won't help you modify the box in any useful way. (Duplicate)

[NARR306] Narrator: You try to rip off the flaps on the side, but you're too clumsy to make a straight tear. (Duplicate)

[NARR313] Narrator: You've painted the box black. Now it sort of looks like that cleaning droid, except with flaps.

[NARR314] Narrator: Tastes like ink!

[NARR187] Narrator: You carefully saw off the flaps on the artificial cardboard. (Duplicate)

[NARR188] Narrator: Interesting! Now this box somewhat resembles that cleaner droid which keeps roaming out of here! (Duplicate)

[NARR310] Narrator: That won't help you modify the box in any useful way. (Duplicate)

[NARR315] Narrator: This box is a disguise for you, not your hand.

[NARR316] Narrator: You cleverly disguised this ordinary cardboard as a cleaning droid. Only an idiot would fall for such a ploy, but then again, it is the apemen you're up against.

[NARR317] Narrator: Eat it after you survive this. That'll be your treat.

[NARR318] Narrator: The ink stains your finger. Then it stains your pants when you wipe it on them.

[NARR319] Narrator: It's a bottle of writing ink. I can't think of anything funny to say about that.

[NARR320] Narrator: You taste the ink. Boy, does that bring back memories!

[NARR309] Narrator: You paint the box with the black ink. (Duplicate)

[NARR188] Narrator: Interesting! Now this box somewhat resembles that cleaner droid which keeps roaming out of here! (Duplicate)

[NARR321] Narrator: That doesn't need to be covered in ink.

[NARR322] Narrator: You clean your fingernails with it. Good hygiene counts!

[NARR323] Narrator: This is Never's key. Judging from the keychain, he's a Hello Kitty fan. Who knew?

[NARR324] Narrator: You pick your teeth with the key. We're clearly not giving you enough to do, Roger.

[NARR325] Narrator: You do a few dry runs in mid-air, preparing for the task of opening a lock with this key.

[NARR326] Narrator: This is the second key you've stolen from General Forksmith in this game. It should open his lock inside the large drill.

Roger: Man, all the stories I could tell about stealing keys from Forksmith. Feels like it was only yesterday when I first got into this line of business.

[NARR327] Narrator: Actually, that was today.

[NARR328] Narrator: You check the texture of the stuff and discover that it's premium-grade kitty grass. This is some quality stuff you got here.

[NARR329] Narrator: It's that bag of discount catnip you swiped from the convenience store. You've taken a turn for the worse, Roger.

[NARR330] Narrator: You haven't tried catnip since that time you were roommates with a cheetah. Even then, you didn't get the same kind of buzz, but it was sure fun leading her around with a piece of string for hours on end.

[NARR304] Narrator: You jam the stun grenade into the bag of catnip. (Duplicate)

[NARR331] Narrator: This isn't one of those things you'd want to cover in catnip.

[NARR332] Narrator: You stick your thumb in the pie and pull out a plum. Hmmm... that doesn't belong in there.

[NARR333] Narrator: This pie is composed of both bananas and cream, making it what scientists might call a 'banana cream' pie.

[NARR334] Narrator: This is the last pie, Roger. Eat it and all hope for the galaxy is LOST.

[NARR335] Narrator: It's squishy and in your pocket.

[NARR336] Narrator: Ah, the banana peel. The bane of many a slapstick artist.

[NARR337] Narrator: The banana part is missing, so eating this would be a very unpleasant experience.

[NARR338] Narrator: You sneakily wrap the banana peel around the boomerang-shaped sleep charge.

[NARR339] Narrator: That can't fit in a banana peel.

[NARR340] Narrator: You pack the grenade in there a little more tightly. One can never be too careful when creating catnip-based explosives.

[NARR341] Narrator: You've stuffed the grenade into the bag of catnip. Get enough cats together, and you could kickstart one hell of a party.

[NARR342] Narrator: You eat the grenade-flavored catnip and win the game!

[NARR343] Narrator: And look, you got enough points to unlock the secret bonus levels, meaning the game's not over yet!

[NARR344] Narrator: You try to break the detonite crystal, completely unaware that shattering this unstable substance could possibly rip a new hole in the space/time continuum. Thankfully, for the universe's sake, you are too much of a momma's boy and eventually give up.

[NARR345] Narrator: It's a shiny shard of detonite crystal. You wonder how much something like this could go for on gBay.

[NARR346] Narrator: You stick the volatile substance in your mouth. Mmmm! Tastes like ice cream!

[NARR347] Narrator: In the event of a fire, you would pull the pin on top to release the locking mechanism, aim the hose at the base of the flame, and squeeze the lever slowly to release the extinguishing agent. In the event of a fight between your girlfriend and a crazy mad scientist, you may need to change this strategy a little.

[NARR348] Narrator: This appears to be a carbon dioxide extinguisher. These are safe to use for Class A, B, and C fires, but only recommended for Class B and C fires because they are only moderately effective on Class A fires. The extinguishing agent is liquid carbon dioxide while in the extinguisher, but is discharged as a snow that vapourizes quickly to carbon dioxide gas and extinguishes fires mainly by excluding or diluting oxygen.

[NARR349] Narrator: Shut up and help Beatrice, Roger.

[NARR350] Narrator: Discharging pressurized carbon dioxide into your mouth is not on your priority list just yet.

[NARR351] Narrator: You pour the hair serum into the nozzle of the fire extinguisher and throw away the bottle.

[NARR352] Narrator: You can't put that in the fire extinguisher.

[NARR353] Narrator: You'd rather not risk getting any of that liquid on your hands.

[NARR354] Narrator: You've poured the hair growth serum down the hose. Should this thing discharge, you'd pity anybody on the receiving end who values their baldness.

[NARR355] Narrator: Maybe if you filled it with martinis, this idea might be worth a shot.

[NARR356] Narrator: You're too lazy to untie the wire.

[NARR357] Narrator: The bucket is now hanging from the wire. Whatever can be done with this is up to you.

[NARR358] Narrator: Putting both items together does not improve their flavor.

[NARR359] Narrator: You check under the cap and find you've won 5 cents off your next purchase of lice feed.

[NARR360] Narrator: DOC NELZO'S MIRACLE HAIR GROWTH SERUM. GUARANTEED TO GROW OVER 300 SQ.INCHES OF HAIR IN 3 SECONDS OR YOUR MONEY BACK. MAY CAUSE BEAST-LIKE QUALITIES IN SOME HUMANOIDS. NOT EFFECTIVE ON WOMEN.

[NARR361] Narrator: As cold as it is, you have no desire to consume an experimental hair growth drug that promises an immediate 300 square inches of hair all over your body.

[NARR351] Narrator: You pour the hair serum into the nozzle of the fire extinguisher and throw away the bottle. (Duplicate)

[NARR362] Narrator: You don't want hair on that.

[NARR363] Narrator: You had a hard enough time getting this in the first time.

[NARR364] Narrator: You've disguised this small explosive device as a popular monkey food. Now you just to find a monkey who can't recognize a real banana.

[NARR365] Narrator: No matter how weak this charge is, the idea of an exploding sleep pellet going off inside your stomach doesn't strike your fancy.

[NARR366] Narrator: You could eat this sheet, but you're not sure you could throw it back up in mint condition.

[NARR367] Narrator: These look like secret military codes!

[NARR368] Narrator: Please resist all urges to crumble, rip, or otherwise destroy potentially important documents in this game.

[NARR368] Narrator: Please resist all urges to crumble, rip, or otherwise destroy potentially important documents in this game. (Duplicate)

[NARR369] Narrator: It's just like your copy. Except on goldenrod.

[NARR366] Narrator: You could eat this sheet, but you're not sure you could throw it back up in mint condition. (Duplicate)

[NARR370] Narrator: You tickle the penguin a little and it frolicks in delight. Who said being trapped in a frozen wasteland couldn't be fun?

[NARR371] Narrator: You have a penguin in your pants. You life is now complete.

[NARR372] Narrator: You bend over the little guy and regurgitate some pie into it's mouth. You're gonna make a great father, Roger!

[NARR373] Narrator: You manage to hammer your finger without even aiming for a nail. That's quite a talent you've got there, Roger.

[NARR374] Narrator: You've collected a tiny hammer. Now you're ready to TAKE ON THE WORLD.

[NARR375] Narrator: Only about half of it can fit in your mouth.

[NARR376] Narrator: You feel the sticky glob of Smarm. It gets stickier.

[NARR377] Narrator: It's some backspray from that can of Smarm earlier. It's all over your neck and arm.

[NARR378] Narrator: You try to lick it off yourself, but the combined tastes of the Smarm and your body sweat leave a terrible after-taste which isn't going away any time soon.

[NARR379] Narrator: You smear the goo on the clipboard, giving it a sticky surface.

[NARR380] Narrator: You smear the goo on the permit, giving it a sticky surface.

[NARR381] Narrator: That doesn't need to be stickier.

[NARR382] Narrator: You try to scratch off the colonel's signature, but your hand reactively slaps you for being an idiot.

[NARR383] Narrator: The permit is now signed and ready to be delivered to the good doctor.

[NARR384] Narrator: You roll up the permit and tickle your uvula with it.

[NARR385] Narrator: One must admire how writing hundreds of mouth commands never seems dampen the writers' creative spirits.

[NARR386] Narrator: There doesn't seem to be any way of opening it up.

[NARR387] Narrator: This is the little droid from the front door. You hope snatching him doesn't call out some pig guards or something.

[NARR388] Narrator: It still retains its ability to talk, but you can't make out any words for the life of you.

[NARR389] Narrator: There's a small arming button on the side, but you're not ready to push it just yet.

[NARR390] Narrator: It's a low-power explosive sleep charge in the form of a boomerang, used to take down mice and other small animals. Even when ingested, it's a non-lethal weapon, so you're not sure how this can be of any use.

[NARR391] Narrator: Ingesting it sounds like a idea, but you need to be awake right now.

[NARR338] Narrator: You sneakily wrap the banana peel around the boomerang-shaped sleep charge. (Duplicate)

[NARR392] Narrator: You can't think of a way to use this with the sleep charge.

[NARR393] Narrator: Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to pick up any radio stations. Looks like you'll have to put up with the background music for the time being.

[NARR394] Narrator: It's one of the radios you swiped from the shuttle bay.

[NARR395] Narrator: You don't need to talk into the walkie-talkie just yet.

[NARR393] Narrator: Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to pick up any radio stations. Looks like you'll have to put up with the background music for the time being. (Duplicate)

[NARR396] Narrator: You're carrying two walkie-talkies swiped from the shuttle bay.

[NARR397] Narrator: You spend a few minutes talking to yourself on the walkie-talkies before realizing how stupid this is. (Duplicate)

[NARR398] Narrator: Feels like a wire.

[NARR399] Narrator: Looks like a wire.

[NARR400] Narrator: Tastes like a wire.

[NARR254] Narrator: You tie the wire around the handle of the bucket. (Duplicate)

[NARR401] Narrator: You can't attach that to the wire. Of course that means at some point you WILL have something to attach to the wire, but this is not that thing.

[NARR210] Narrator: You don't like the idea of taking the mask off - being able to inhale is quite nice! (Duplicate)

[NARR402] Narrator: You re-adjust the air freshener so it doesn't fall out.

[NARR403] Narrator: It's a surgical mask with an air freshener inside. A bit of a stretch, but it's crazy enough to temporarily work as a gas mask.

[NARR208] Narrator: Yep. Fits. (Duplicate)

[NARR404] Narrator: You fail to crush the extraordinarily strong can with your bare hands.

[NARR405] Narrator: It's empty now.

[NARR406] Narrator: You try to crush the can with your teeth, but only end up chipping a tooth.

[NARR155] Narrator: You apply some duct tape to the flashlight. (Duplicate)

[NARR54] Narrator: Don't waste duct tape on that. (Duplicate)

[NARR407] Narrator: You flip the page over, but only find blank space on the other side. What a terrible waste of your valuable flipping time!

[NARR408] Narrator: You nibble on the edge of the paper, but do not come up with any clues.

[NARR409] Narrator: It's a list of tram codes for some absent-minded apeman.

[NARR2820] Narrator: It's you, Roger Wilco, apparently a guy with too much time on his hands.

[NARR3030] Narrator: It's you, Roger Wilco, apparently a guy with too much time on his hands.

[NARR3031] Narrator: It's you, Roger Wilco, lean, mean, cleaning machine.

[NARR3032] Narrator: It's you, Roger Wilco, doofus of all doofi.

[NARR3033] Narrator: It's you, Roger Wilco, janitor extraordinaire and space adventurer mediocre.

[NARR3034] Narrator: It's you, Roger Wilco, blatantly stalling when you should be extricating yourself from the wretched mess you've landed yourself in. Not that I'm complaining, it's quality entertainment.

[NARR2821] Narrator: Hey! This is a fan tribute to a family game!

[NARR3040] Narrator: You adjust your clothes and hair, hoping to look a little less dorky. Hope is a wonderful thing, ain't it?

[NARR3041] Narrator: Despite years of training, you're still unable to tickle yourself.

[NARR3042] Narrator: Hey! This is a fan tribute to a family game!

[NARR3043] Narrator: You pinch yourself to see if you're dreaming. And miss.

[NARR3044] Narrator: You stretch your vital puzzle-solving muscles in preparation for the next challenge.

[NARR2822] Narrator: Given up on intelligent conversation, Roger?

[NARR3050] Narrator: Given up on intelligent conversation, Roger?

[NARR3051] Narrator: You have a pleasant conversation with the only person who wants to listen to you.

[NARR3052] Narrator: You touch your nose with your tongue to psyche yourself up.

[NARR3053] Narrator: You check your breath. It smells of pie, grape juice, and cold hopeless terror.

[NARR3054] Narrator: You bite your tongue for a cheap adrenaline rush.

[NARR2823] Narrator: Please don't do that where I can see you.

[NARR410] Narrator: Where would you like to stick it? On second thought, don't answer that.

[NARR411] Narrator: You're already carrying this piece of highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass from the Aluminum Mallard.

[NARR412] Narrator: You dig out some earwax with the coin and save it for later.

[NARR413] Narrator: You already had enough of that when Beatrice took you in to that body waxing place.

[NARR414] Narrator: Sticking this on your head might be good for a laugh, but you're afraid you won't be able to get it off afterwards.

[NARR415] Narrator: You bop yourself in the head with it. That was not helpful.

[NARR416] Narrator: Donk!

[NARR417] Narrator: It's not naptime yet.

[NARR418] Narrator: You're already cold enough.

[NARR419] Narrator: You mug the wallet from yourself. You're getting good at this. Soon you can upgrade your thievery skills to candy from babies.

[NARR420] Narrator: You're already carrying the clipboard.

[NARR421] Narrator: It's times like these that I'm glad we're not using a parser interface.

[NARR422] Narrator: You give yourself an eye exam.

[NARR423] Narrator: You slide the card through, but it doesn't read.

[NARR66] Narrator: You press the button, but nothing happens. Looks like there isn't a vacuum cleaner here. (Duplicate)

[NARR424] Narrator: You wear the umbrella on your head and do your best dodo impersonation. As usual, we're not giving you enough to do.

[NARR425] Narrator: You give your nose a blow.

[NARR426] Narrator: You don't have a pizza to put your anchovies on.

[NARR217] Narrator: After all the trouble you went through NOT to drink it? (Duplicate)

[NARR215] Narrator: Don't open it! If that stuff sprays out, you'll have wasted a perfectly good explosive device! (Duplicate)

[NARR210] Narrator: You don't like the idea of taking the mask off - being able to inhale is quite nice! (Duplicate)

[NARR427] Narrator: Now is not a good place for that.

[NARR420] Narrator: You're already carrying the clipboard. (Duplicate)

[NARR428] Narrator: It needs the signature of someone more important than you, Roger.

[NARR429] Narrator: You hold it over your mouth for a few seconds and find this to be a very inconvenient way to breathe.

[NARR430] Narrator: If you remove your limbs, we'll have to cut down on half the interface, and nobody wants to rewrite any code just because you wanted to be stupid.

[NARR431] Narrator: You had enough trouble getting it off in the first place.

[NARR428] Narrator: It needs the signature of someone more important than you, Roger. (Duplicate)

[NARR432] Narrator: It's already on you.

[NARR404] Narrator: You fail to crush the extraordinarily strong can with your bare hands. (Duplicate)

[NARR433] Narrator: Yeah, that's the spot!

[NARR408] Narrator: You nibble on the edge of the paper, but do not come up with any clues. (Duplicate)

[NARR434] Narrator: It doesn't really affect humans too much.

[NARR435] Narrator: Knocking yourself out, while funny, would certainly delay this whole mission thing you have going on right now.

[NARR436] Narrator: You don't need to do this just yet. You seem to be pretty regular.

[NARR267] Narrator: This remote only works inside and around Vohaul's base. (Duplicate)

[NARR272] Narrator: You do your best impression of a kid on a breakfast cereal commercial. (Duplicate)

[NARR437] Narrator: You try to balance yourself on the little red wagon, but keep falling off. Those celebrities are right; this is a lot harder than it looks.

[NARR438] Narrator: You teddy bear mug yourself.

[NARR283] Narrator: You don't eat health food. (Duplicate)

[NARR439] Narrator: It's a Monolith Burger. You know better than to eat it.

[NARR440] Narrator: You've eaten enough bleach this week. Let someone else have it.

[NARR441] Narrator: You're not Sonny Bonds. Besides, you're already blond!

[NARR442] Narrator: You strum out a few chords on the mop guitar, but only result in looking silly.

[NARR443] Narrator: Where on Roger would you like to use the hamster? You know what? Don't answer that.

[NARR444] Narrator: You already get enough salt in your diet. Too much, actually.

[NARR445] Narrator: You'd smash the pie in your face, but it's just not funny when you do it.

[NARR446] Narrator: You don't need a banana peel to be clumsy.

[NARR447] Narrator: Now is not the time to disguise yourself as a box.

[NARR447] Narrator: Now is not the time to disguise yourself as a box. (Duplicate)

[NARR448] Narrator: You're already a box!

[NARR447] Narrator: Now is not the time to disguise yourself as a box. (Duplicate)

[NARR449] Narrator: Throwing away the crystal won't save you now!

[NARR450] Narrator: Snorting fire extinguisher fumes fell out of style a decade ago.

[NARR451] Narrator: Next time we come across a well in Daventry, we'll try that, but not today.

[NARR452] Narrator: Don't blow yourself up on purpose, Roger. Chances are you'll probably accidentally do that by the end of this adventure anyway.

[NARR453] Narrator: Nah. Beatrice will just make you hot wax it off again.

[NARR454] Narrator: Ingesting it sounds like an idea, but you need to be awake right now.

[NARR455] Narrator: You shake it up and ask it questions about the future, but keep getting the same robotic gibberish over and over again.

[NARR456] Narrator: As much fun as fingerpainting your face would be, you're really not in the vicinity of any immediate wash areas and may end up looking completely silly when you finally rescue Beatrice.

[NARR457] Narrator: Sadly, this is not the key to your heart. The key to your heart involves a lot of bacon and gravy.

[NARR395] Narrator: You don't need to talk into the walkie-talkie just yet. (Duplicate)

[NARR397] Narrator: You spend a few minutes talking to yourself on the walkie-talkies before realizing how stupid this is. (Duplicate)

[NARR458] Narrator: It's not a real banana anymore, Roger.

[NARR459] Narrator: You've never been able to tie yourself up on purpose.

[NARR460] Narrator: You take the launch codes out of your pocket and clumsily stuff them back in again.

[NARR117] Narrator: Error: Incompatible programs (Duplicate)

[NARR461] Narrator: It's already on you and wrapped up neatly under your pantleg. Your task at hand should be getting it off.

[NARR462] Narrator: You can't use that on yourself.

[NARR463] Narrator: It's Beatrice Wankmeister, the mother of your unborn son. She doesn't appear too happy about this whole situation. (Already recorded)

[NARR464] Narrator: You're now reunited with the lovely Beatrice Wankmeister. Things are finally looking up for you.

[NARR465] Narrator: Your heart skips a beat just looking at her.

[NARR466] Narrator: Stop looking at Beatrice! Focus on defeating Vohaul!

[NARR467] Narrator: I don't think she's in the mood right now, Roger. (Already recorded)

[NARR468] Narrator: Stop touching Beatrice! Focus on defeating Vohaul!

[NARR469] Narrator: Beatrice looks a little miffed right now. It's best to just give her some quiet time when she gets like this.

[NARR470] Narrator: You feel furry!

[NARR471] Narrator: It's you! Lewdy the Furkunz! Floating-In-Virtual-Reality Guy!

[NARR472] Narrator: Oh, Lewdy! Not you too!

[NARR473] Narrator: You call Vohaul's bluff and prepare to fight him hand-to-hand!

[NARR474] Narrator: Yes, I'm sure Vohaul will grow up a lot less hostile towards you if he fondly remembers the time you abducted him as a child.

[NARR475] Narrator: All Vohaul has are his glasses and underwear, and you have no use for either of them.

[NARR476] Narrator: You don't win friends by popping their zits.

[NARR477] Narrator: At long last, you stand face to face with your arch-nemesis. Time hasn't treated Sludge Vohaul well, but you imagine your killing him may have also played a relevant factor.

[NARR478] Narrator: It's a young Sludge Vohaul tinkering with his chemistry set, foreshadowing his dark and tragic future.

[NARR479] Narrator: This crater-faced poindexter must be Vohaul in his high school years. You wonder what he's doing here instead of hacking away in some chemistry lab.

[NARR480] Narrator: That is Sludge Vohaul in his early teens. Who would have guessed that he used to work for Monolith Burger? He seems to really love his job.

[NARR481] Narrator: As you contemplate using the plunger on Vohaul's face, a sense of awareness rushes over you - as if this is something you were always pre-destined to do.

[NARR482] Narrator: You envision the battle in your mind, every motion sweeping as if to the rhythm of music.

[NARR483] Narrator: Unfortunately, you take too long and Vohaul realizes what you're up to.

[NARR484] Narrator: Vohaul sees you attacking him and reacts quickly.

[NARR485] Narrator: Better not, in case he makes you give it back.

[NARR486] Narrator: You still don't feel like giving it back. You think Vohaul's found something more interesting instead.

[NARR487] Narrator: That's not interesting enough to break Vohaul away from his *ahem* current distraction.

[NARR488] Narrator: Maybe you should hold onto that.

[NARR489] Narrator: Be careful, Roger! If you show Vohaul this teddy bear mug from the future, the consequences could be catastrophic!

[NARR490] Narrator: It's a robot. Judging from the sign, you assume that he might be the one called Al.

[NARR491] Narrator: Al is now standing inside and looking at you suspiciously.

[NARR492] Narrator: Al rests in pieces on the floor, having explosively short-circuited after that last shower you gave him.

[NARR493] Narrator: I wouldn't do that. He's probably stronger than he looks.

[NARR494] Narrator: If you had a few hours to kill, you could reassemble Al into many different and hilarious configurations. But you don't, so he'll have to stay scrap for now.

Al: I am sorry, but I have exhausted all my conversation time for carbon today, unless you would like to perform a business transaction.

Al: I am sure you are quite used to stuff like this. I just really don't like you, I don't like the way you look, your voice, or the stupid way you are dressed.

Al: However, I am willing to ignore my homicidal side thanks to the delicious money you have handed to me.

[NARR495] Narrator: He takes out a buckazoid and nibbles upon it thoughtfully.

[NARR496] Narrator: Al's temporarily out of commission and won't be hassling you any time soon.

[NARR497] Narrator: You throw a bucketful of nothing on Al. He gives you a blank stare.

[NARR498] Narrator: Maybe you should take the money out of the wallet first.

[NARR499] Narrator: Part of you feels you have not given Al even milk of your heart's charity in the form of hard-earned cash. That part has some serious issues.

[NARR500] Narrator: Al doesn't accept that form of currency.

[NARR501] Narrator: Al's going to need a little more than that to pull himself together again.

[NARR502] Narrator: This guy looks like a clerk. He probably is one.

[NARR503] Narrator: You put out your hand to give the clerk a firm handshake. He ignores you.

[NARR504] Narrator: He's doing fine without it. See?

[NARR505] Narrator: It's Finkle, leader of the Furkunz resistance.

[NARR506] Narrator: Finkle doesn't seem to have broken a sweat after that battle. Maybe he licks it off when no one's looking.

[NARR507] Narrator: You salute to Finkle. He doesn't recognize the gesture.

[NARR508] Narrator: It's the bartender. He looks... experienced.

[NARR509] Narrator: You could try talking to him first.

[NARR510] Narrator: It's Werg, the leader of the Thieves' Guild. He looks rather sneaky.

[NARR511] Narrator: That guy looks sneaky.

[NARR512] Narrator: You don't see any reason to give this Furkunz anything.

[NARR513] Narrator: Werg wouldn't be impressed by that.

[NARR514] Narrator: It's Rulf. Or at least that's what he wants to be called.

[NARR515] Narrator: There's something strangely mysterious about the appearance and behavior of this particular Furkunz.

[NARR516] Narrator: You wave gaily at your new friend Rulf, but he is completely unresponsive. It seems like the hug you crave is out of the question.

[NARR517] Narrator: You wave to the mysterious Furkunz. He ignores you.

[NARR518] Narrator: That doesn't quite catch his interest.

[NARR519] Narrator: This must be the priest. He looks pretty old.

[NARR520] Narrator: You might be able to beat the old priest at wrestling, but I don't think the Furkunz would appreciate you doing that.

[NARR521] Narrator: You thrust the piece of glass in front of the priest's face, hoping to mesmerize him with its brilliance! You fail miserably.

[NARR522] Narrator: He might have a conniption fit if he finds out you stole his deity.

[NARR523] Narrator: Careful. He might start worshipping it.

[NARR524] Narrator: The pianist seems to be blind, but that isn't stopping him from playing.

[NARR525] Narrator: The pianist ignores you and keeps playing.

[NARR526] Narrator: Don't interrupt him.

[NARR526] Narrator: Don't interrupt him. (Duplicate)

[NARR527] Narrator: You can't shake his hand at the moment.

[NARR528] Narrator: By careful reflection of light from your piece of highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass you shine a beam into the pianist's eyes in order to miraculously mend his retina and give him the gift of sight.

[NARR529] Narrator: If it works, he's remarkably calm about it.

[NARR530] Narrator: You show it to him, but he seems to ignore you.

[NARR531] Narrator: He looks severely intoxicated. Quite surprising, considering that they only serve water here.

[NARR532] Narrator: Don't touch him. You don't know where he's been, but you have a very good idea.

[NARR533] Narrator: Don't bother. He'll just spend it on booze.

[NARR534] Narrator: He can't see anything with those beer goggles on.

[NARR535] Narrator: It's mayor Nurb, the one who hates all simians, including you.

[NARR536] Narrator: The Mayor looks like he could use a cheeseburger.

[NARR537] Narrator: No need to make him dislike you even more, Roger.

[NARR538] Narrator: Scratching him behind the ears might be a very personal gesture in his culture, Roger. Let's take this one step at a time, okay?

[NARR539] Narrator: It's Odster, Gofty's best friend.

[NARR540] Narrator: You wave to Odster. He waves back.

[NARR541] Narrator: It's Gofty, Odster's best friend.

[NARR542] Narrator: You wave to Gofty. He waves back.

[NARR543] Narrator: Good thinking, Roger, this guy's a pipsqueak! How's he going to be any match to the guy who defeated a Sarien invasion and ScumSoft? Go get him, tiger!

[NARR544] Narrator: This fellow stands out a bit. His species doesn't seem to be related to that of the other inhabitants of this camp. Glancing at his cranial structure and various antennae-shaped appendages extruding from it, you recall that his race is rumored to be a member of the Phistal Hemisphere Alliance. You wonder how Vohaul managed to find one of these rarely-seen xenophobes.

[NARR545] Narrator: His name, apparently, is Ned

[NARR546] Narrator: Plucking of a Phistalian's antennae was outlawed by the Third Kringal Accords. Remembering the punishment for such an act, you quickly forget any notion of wanting to do so.

[NARR547] Narrator: Besides, he's too far away.

[NARR548] Narrator: For the love of God, stop! There is no timer bug! He just can't hear you, okay?!

[NARR549] Narrator: That might freak out Ned a little too much.

[NARR550] Narrator: Two apemen are guarding a spaceship here. One of them looks somewhat different from most of the apemen you've seen.

[NARR551] Narrator: Two apemen are pretending to guard a spaceship here. One of them looks somewhat different from most of the apemen you've seen.

[NARR552] Narrator: Your fists aren't much use against two armed apemen. Or even one unarmed apeman.

[NARR553] Narrator: In fact, pretty much anyone above the 'eight-year-old girl' level could probably--

[NARR554] Narrator: It's Rupert, the gate guard's kid.

[NARR555] Narrator: It's the gate guard's kid.

[NARR556] Narrator: Based on your past failures with stealing candy from babies, especially when in front of their gun-toting fathers, perhaps you should try to reason with the kid first.

[NARR557] Narrator: No stuffing your pants with kids this game, Roger. Save that for Space Quest 9: 'Roger Wilco Stuffs Kids Down His Pants!' Rated E for Everyone.

[NARR558] Narrator: Hmm, that ape looks rather worried.

[NARR559] Narrator: His name is Rodney.

[NARR560] Narrator: That must be the colonel. He sure does look busy with all that paperwork.

[NARR561] Narrator: You could find better things to waste the Colonel's time with.

[NARR562] Narrator: That would be General Forksmith. He looks severely occupied with that mysterious black rock.

[NARR563] Narrator: General Forksmith seems to be having problems with that antenna.

[NARR564] Narrator: You wonder how long that chain will hold before we need to switch you into a running sprite.

[NARR565] Narrator: It's general Forksmith. You haven't seen him since you left him for dead back down in the arctic wasteland and stole his ship keys. You wonder if he'd be happy to see you.

[NARR566] Narrator: Better not. General Forksmith's probably eyeing some part of you he wants to use as a lockpick.

[NARR567] Narrator: Touching the General may prove fatal in some cases.

[NARR568] Narrator: The General wouldn't have any use for that.

[NARR569] Narrator: If you gave that key to him, I'm almost certainly 100 percent positive that you'd never get it back. I'm also quite sure you'd lose your hand in the process.

[NARR570] Narrator: You don't want to give that to the General...

[NARR570] Narrator: You don't want to give that to the General... (Duplicate)

[NARR571] Narrator: The guard is watching you like a hawk. A hawk with a big gun, that is.

[NARR572] Narrator: A guard is sitting inside the guard post.

[NARR573] Narrator: Attacking the guard wouldn't really help you keep a low profile in an army camp full of apemen ordered to shoot you on sight.

[NARR574] Narrator: He doesn't need to see that again.

[NARR575] Narrator: The guard wouldn't be interested in having that...

[NARR576] Narrator: Looks like they don't have many mirrors in the sewers!

[NARR577] Narrator: I'm afraid not.

[NARR578] Narrator: The Penguin wouldn't be interested in that.

[NARR579] Narrator: It's an old apeman, who appears to be the local archivist.

Archivist: Therefore, I won't give you the integral information you will need in order to complete this game.

[NARR580] Narrator: Congratulations! The game is now unwinnable!

[NARR581] Narrator: He doesn't need help.

[NARR582] Narrator: Don't disrupt him.

[NARR583] Narrator: Wait until he's finished.

[NARR584] Narrator: This little punk seems to be completely oblivious to everything but his ApeStation 20X6.

[NARR585] Narrator: You consider stealing the clerk's game, but he might start paying attention if you do and cause you to lose any advantage you might have.

[NARR586] Narrator: He's too oblivious to all known existence to understand any words coming out of your mouth.

[NARR587] Narrator: He's too much off in his own world to care about that.

[NARR588] Narrator: Something tells you this guy isn't much of a hugger.

[NARR589] Narrator: Don't worry about Dweeble! Go for the cat!

[NARR590] Narrator: This wormy-looking guy looks like he's seen a lot of sheep action on the battlefield.

[NARR591] Narrator: It's Dweeble, bouncing around on a pogo stick dressed like a mouse. He's certainly doing a fantastic job of confusing the cat, but I guess he's leaving the rest to you.

[NARR589] Narrator: Don't worry about Dweeble! Go for the cat! (Duplicate)

[NARR592] Narrator: This bird looks blissfully ignorant.

[NARR593] Narrator: Easy there, Zoidberg - I think they're SUPPOSED to be like that!

[NARR594] Narrator: That won't help with the bird.

[NARR595] Narrator: This head of the bird looks very proud of his own egotistical intelligence.

[NARR596] Narrator: Even in his sleep, he still looks snarky.

[NARR597] Narrator: You prefer him quiet.

[NARR598] Narrator: It was fun at first, but let's not make a game of this.

[NARR599] Narrator: He's beyond identifying view-shield glass at this point.

[NARR593] Narrator: Easy there, Zoidberg - I think they're SUPPOSED to be like that! (Duplicate)

[NARR594] Narrator: That won't help with the bird. (Duplicate)

[NARR600] Narrator: This kid looks like a total menace. He must be Vohaul's older brother, Slash.

[NARR601] Narrator: Don't touch, it might bite!

[NARR602] Narrator: It's another one of the Ferbangi employees here. According to his name badge, he is called Charlie.

[NARR603] Narrator: You wouldn't even have the guts in real life!

[NARR604] Narrator: Yee-owza! How did Vohaul ever land a gorgeous babe like that?

[NARR605] Narrator: She would probably just scream and call beach security if you tried to give her that.

[NARR606] Narrator: You could NEVER hope to take this guy in a fight.

[NARR607] Narrator: This big guy looks more ripped than a pair of jeans put through a paper shredder.

[NARR608] Narrator: I don't think the doctor would appreciate you doing that.

[NARR609] Narrator: This is Dr. Nelzo, by far the creepiest doctor you've ever seen. Seems like a nice guy, though.

[NARR610] Narrator: The Mayor may not appreciate your stealing from their sacred shrine.

[NARR611] Narrator: They wouldn't be interested in that.

[NARR612] Narrator: She's not interested in that.

[NARR613] Narrator: You show Dweeble the piece of highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass. He glares at it menacingly.

[NARR614] Narrator: Dweeble is only interested in cash, and you don't have any.

[NARR615] Narrator: A small army of penguins blocks your path out of the sewers.

Common Events

[NARR11] Narrator: The ground on this icy planet is covered with snow. What else did you expect? (Already recorded)

[NARR12] Narrator: This brings back bad memories of your days in primary school where the bullies would cram snowballs down your mouth and... (Already recorded)

[NARR13] Narrator: You scoop up a small amount of snow. Failing to think of anything constructive you could do with it, you drop it, leaving your hands just slightly more cold, wet and uncomfortable than they already were. (Already recorded)

[NARR14] Narrator: Upon closer inspection, that large icy mountain in the distance looks like a cleverly concealed fortress of some sort. Probably Vohaul's.

[NARR15] Narrator: You try to squish the tiny structure between your fingers, but realize it's just far away.

[NARR16] Narrator: You see a strange purple sky, clouds, a moon and what appears to be some sort of an icy formation in the distance. (Already recorded)

[NARR17] Narrator: You reach for the sky, but it is just too far away.

[NARR18] Narrator: That is the only moon of Radon.

[NARR19] Narrator: You can't touch the moon, and to be quite honest, you don't want to.

[NARR20] Narrator: I doubt there is anyone up there, and even if there was they wouldn't be able to hear you.

[NARR21] Narrator: One of the many rocks that litter the surface of Radon. Millions of years ago, they were the tips of mountains, but that was before the Big Freeze. (Already recorded)

[NARR22] Narrator: They are frozen into the ground too deeply to move. (Already recorded)

[NARR23] Narrator: Don't do that, you don't want to freeze your tongue to it. (Already recorded)

[NARR24] Narrator: This strange growth seems to be a Radonian tree. Either that, or the tentacles of a mysterious beast that died several millenia ago and has been kept in a cryogenically preserved state ever since. (Already recorded)

[NARR25] Narrator: You try to climb the tree-like growth, but it's too cold and slippery. (Already recorded)

[NARR26] Narrator: Finding the tree-like growth to look like candy, you take a bite to see if it also tastes like one. It doesn't. (Already recorded)

[NARR27] Narrator: Gunfire detectors like this are scattered around the moon's surface.

[NARR28] Narrator: You don't know how to operate it!

[NARR29] Narrator: It doesn't respond to your voice.

[NARR30] Narrator: That must be the part of the atmosphere you can't breathe.

[NARR31] Narrator: There's nothing to grab. Literally.

[NARR32] Narrator: You exhale and leap into the depths of space.

[NARR33] Narrator: After ten seconds of unprotected exposure to the infinite vaccuum, you start to experience a loss of vision and impaired judgment, and the cooling effect of evaporation lowers the temperature in your mouth and nose to near-freezing.

[NARR34] Narrator: Unconsciousness and convulsions soon follow several seconds later and you start to show signs of cyanosis on your skin. You float for about a minute and a half before a passing alien notices you and returns you to the moon's surface.

[NARR35] Narrator: Your heart still beating, he administers CPR and gets oxygen flowing back into your blood. Fortunately, you were not in space long enough to sustain any permanent damage.

[NARR36] Narrator: Convinced that you'll be fine, he leaves you exactly in the same spot you originally jumped from and carries on with his journey.

[NARR37] Narrator: You wake up several minutes later with no memory of the precedings, but something deep down inside tells you never to use your mouth on outer space ever again.

[NARR38] Narrator: You already learned your lesson the first time.

[NARR39] Narrator: Contrary to the popular belief, money does NOT talk. (Already recorded)

[NARR40] Narrator: That's a fence, believe it or not. There's some wiring on top of it.

[NARR41] Narrator: You decide to give the fence a friendly lick.

Recap

[RECAP101] Narrator: Meet Roger Wilco, space janitor.

[RECAP102] Narrator: Also meet the Sariens. They're the bad guys in this one. They kill a bunch of people and steal the Star Generator.

[RECAP103] Narrator: Roger survives the attack by accident and ends up foiling their plans and saving the universe. Mostly by dumb luck.

[RECAP104] Narrator: Vohaul doesn't like Roger. Sends him to a planet full of these apeman guys. For slave labor or something.

[RECAP201] Narrator: Roger's fame didn't last long. He's still a janitor.

[RECAP202] Narrator: Suddenly, he gets captured by this guy. Sludge Vohaul. Turns out the Sariens were just following his orders.

[RECAP203] Narrator: Vohaul's got an asteroid fortress to carry out his evil plans.

[RECAP204] Narrator: Roger escapes, of course, and ends up killing Vohaul.

[RECAP205] Narrator: ...or so it seems.

[RECAP301] Narrator: Roger wakes up in an escape pod not knowing where he is.

[RECAP302] Narrator: Roger finds a ship on a garbage freighter. It's called the Aluminum Mallard.

[RECAP303] Narrator: He flies around the universe and visits a Monolith Burger restaurant.

[RECAP304] Narrator: The rest is kind of irrelevant at this point.

[RECAP401] Narrator: Vohaul's alive. He was backed up on a floppy disk.

[RECAP402] Narrator: These guys are the Sequel Police. They work for Vohaul.

[RECAP403] Narrator: This guy suddenly shows up and saves Roger. He's Roger's son from the future.

[RECAP404] Narrator: Roger escapes through a time rip to Space Quest 12.

[RECAP405] Narrator: In the future, Vohaul is a digital virus that has infected a supercomputer. He gets Roger Jr. kidnapped and downloads himself into his body.

[RECAP406] Narrator: Roger starts the formatting sequence on the supercomputer and downloads Roger Jr.'s mind back into his body before it's wiped out. Leaving Vohaul in the computer, to be formatted.

[RECAP407] Narrator: PS. This is where our game starts. So write all that down.

[RECAP408] Narrator: Roger sees a hologram of his future wife, Beatrice Wankmeister.

[RECAP409] Narrator: And returns to his own time before he screws up the space-time continuum.

[RECAP501] Narrator: Roger cheats on an exam...

[RECAP502] Narrator: ...and becomes a captain!

[RECAP503] Narrator: ...of a garbage ship. Once a janitor, always a janitor.

[RECAP504] Narrator: He meets the future mother of his son. He likes her.

[RECAP505] Narrator: She doesn't like him.

[RECAP506] Narrator: But then he saves her life somehow. Oh, and the universe as well.

[RECAP507] Narrator: She kinda likes him now.

[RECAP601] Narrator: Roger gets demoted back to janitor for blowing up his ship.

[RECAP602] Narrator: And the rest of the plot is somewhat irrelevant to this game's.

[RECAP603] Narrator: So...now you're all caught up!

Death messages

[DEATH01] Narrator: Always quit when you're ahead.

[DEATH02] Narrator: And that concludes our simulation on how you can die by walking out of that door without some sort of disguise.

[DEATH03] Narrator: And that's our game! Thanks for playing!

[DEATH04] Narrator: And you would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those tiny permits and that pesky ape!

[DEATH05] Narrator: As you are dragged to your death, you can't but wonder at how cool a fort you could make with this box.

[DEATH06] Narrator: Beta-testing's dangerous!

[DEATH07] Narrator: By the time you wake up, you're already dead, so you just go back to sleep.

[DEATH08] Narrator: Clever idea there, testing the wires to see if they might be fake. Well, they weren't.

[DEATH09] Narrator: Daah! Spiders!

[DEATH10] Narrator: Fortunately, you choked from its toxic breath BEFORE beginning the long journey down its digestive tract.

[DEATH11] Narrator: Good idea, but it'll take more than a few drops to put hair on that chest.

[DEATH12] Narrator: Got a little confident with the whole 'wandering' thing, eh?

[DEATH13] Narrator: Here's a hint: lose the guards.

[DEATH14] Narrator: Hey, give me a break! My fingers hurt!

[DEATH15] Narrator: Hey, you really ARE a take charge guy!

[DEATH16] Narrator: How can anybody carry a grudge THAT heavy?!

[DEATH17] Narrator: I had my money on Beatrice too. Maybe you should help her next time.

[DEATH18] Narrator: I know your mother taught you never to tell a lie, but sometimes it's for the greater good.

[DEATH19] Narrator: I might as well click the 'Try again' button for you at this point. But we're gonna pretend you're making a choice.

[DEATH20] Narrator: In a world, where even cardboard boxes aren't safe from gun violence...

[DEATH21] Narrator: In an on-going struggle against fragile organic beings, gravity claims yet another striking win!

[DEATH22] Narrator: It isn't easy being you.

[DEATH23] Narrator: It was a good idea while it lasted, Roger.

[DEATH24] Narrator: It was the part where you lobbed a shoddily-made explosive device through the door that tipped off the guards.

[DEATH25] Narrator: It would seem the Colonel is not much of a conversationalist.

[DEATH26] Narrator: It's going to take more than your bare hands to silence that pesky bird.

[DEATH27] Narrator: It's not easy being you.

[DEATH28] Narrator: Just your luck, eh, Roger?

[DEATH29] Narrator: Lewdy's ghost later comes back to haunt you, causing you to die from 'scary face' or something like that. The doctors chalk it up to chlamydia.

[DEATH30] Narrator: Maybe you're better off helping from a distance, Roger.

[DEATH31] Narrator: Monkey see, monkey do, Roger. You know the rules.

[DEATH32] Narrator: Never killed you? Then why are you dead?

[DEATH33] Narrator: One bird with one stone... and you picked the wrong bird.

[DEATH34] Narrator: Outsmarted by a monkey again, Roger?

[DEATH35] Narrator: Pretty bold, standing out in the open like that. Stupid too.

[DEATH36] Narrator: Some people don't know a bargain when they see one.

[DEATH37] Narrator: Somehow, I always knew I'd die falling out of something's nose.

[DEATH38] Narrator: Somehow, you died. Yeah, we're totally confused too!

[DEATH39] Narrator: That mask did a good job of keeping out the poison, but you still can't breathe in that thing.

[DEATH40] Narrator: The funny thing is, you were even voted 'Most Likely To Drown In A Frozen River Of Waste' back in high school.

[DEATH41] Narrator: The hiding was a good idea, but you'll have to do a bit more.

[DEATH42] Narrator: We apologize that one of the ways you can die in this game involves choking on flatulence. We'll try to do better next time.

[DEATH43] Narrator: We hope you enjoyed that explosion! For more information on explosions and perfectly-stoppable countdowns that cause them, consult your local library.

[DEATH44] Narrator: Well, at least Vohaul got something off his back.

[DEATH45] Narrator: Well, that was pointless.

[DEATH46] Narrator: What a way to die!

[DEATH47] Narrator: Whatever's awake in this room, it hunts better in the dark.

[DEATH48] Narrator: You confused currents and currants again, Roger. And the weird bit is you HATE currants!

[DEATH49] Narrator: You don't sound roboty enough, Roger.

[DEATH50] Narrator: You got cat-served!

[DEATH51] Narrator: You just didn't know when to quit, did you?

[DEATH52] Narrator: You're dead. And that's a fact.

[DEATH53] Narrator: You had a hunch penguins couldn't fly, but then you're not one for jumping to conclusions.

Script for Narrator

Dialog: dWerg

Dialog: dCol

Dialog: dColInspection

Dialog: dVohThrone

Dialog: dForkRoof1

Dialog: dForkRoof2

Dialog: dBirdDumb

Dialog: dShuttleGuards3

Dialog: dNarrBooth

Dialog: dAndres

Dialog: dFrede

100 - Intro - SQ12 Xenon - Exterior

101 - Intro - SQ12 Xenon - Interior

102 - Intro - Apeman HQ

104 - Intro - Vohaul Resurrection Lab

106 - Intro - Romanticon

107 - Intro - Pie-Ery

201 - Mallard Interior

202 - Mallard Computer

203 - Radon Surface - Mallard Crash Site

204 - Radon Surface - Snowman

206 - Radon Surface - Blanket

207 - Radon Surface - Cliff

208 - Radon Surface - South of Resort

209 - Radon Surface

210 - Radon Surface - Giant Skeleton

211 - Radon Surface - Spewter

212 - Radon Surface - Al's Resort - Exterior

213 - Radon Surface - Al's Resort - Interior

214 - Radon Surface - Al's Resort - Feedback Form

215 - Radon Surface - Destroyed Snowman

301 - Caves - Entrance

302 - Caves

303 - Caves - Water Pool

304 - Caves - Furkunz Entrance

305 - Caves

306 - Caves - Exit

307 - Caves - Furkunz Hall

308 - Caves - Furkunz Bar

309 - Caves - Merf's Hut - Exterior

310 - Caves - Merf's Hut - Interior

311 - Caves - Merf's Hut - Safe

401 - Boot Camp - Cave Exit

402 - Boot Camp - Entrance

403 - Boot Camp - Forksmith's Ship

404 - Boot Camp - Center

405 - Boot Camp - Closet

406 - Boot Camp - Minilith

407 - Boot Camp - Fortress Gate

408 - Boot Camp - Colonel's Tent

409 - Boot Camp - Dr. Nelzo's Tent

410 - Sewers - Entrance

411 - Sewers - Passage

412 - Sewers - Penguin Lair

413 - Sewers - Waterfall

414 - Fortress - Entrance

500 - Fortress - Hologram Room

501 - Fortress - Prison Cell

502 - Fortress - Monorail Station

503 - Fortress - Shuttle Bay Hallway

504 - Fortress - Library/Archive

507 - Fortress - Store

508 - Fortress - Shuttle Bay

510 - Fortress - Shuttle Bay - Command Room

511 - Fortress - Shuttle Bay - Cannon

512 - Fortress - Console

513 - Fortress - Virtual Reality

599 - Fortress - Team Cameo Room

601 - Moon - Landing Area

602 - Moon - Dweeble's Shop - Exterior

603 - Moon - Dweeble's Shop - Interior

605 - Moon - Giant Cat

606 - Moon - Base Entrance

607 - Moon - Office Window

608 - Moon - Never's Office

609 - Moon - Hallway

610 - Moon - Large Door

611 - Moon - Base Map

613 - Moon - Transmission Tower