Script for Gofty

Description: Best friend of Odster.
They love playing caveball, are very friendly towards Roger and often have a problem taking things seriously.
Their voices should reflect their somewhat silly and carefree nature.

Dialog: dNurb

Roger: What's up?
[GOFT1] Gofty: We were just discussing the third kickoff from our last caveball game.
Mayor Nurb: Simians always interrupt when we discuss the third kickoff from our last caveball game.
Odster: No they don't. Now you're just being silly.
Mayor Nurb: Maybe I am, maybe I'm not...
Mayor Nurb: Wait, what were we talking about?
[GOFT2] Gofty: Caveball.
Mayor Nurb: Ah, yes. I like caveball.
[GOFT3] Gofty: We all do.
Odster: Especially the third kickoff.
Mayor Nurb: Yes. Much better than the fourth.
[GOFT4] Gofty: Definitely.
Roger: ...I like pie.
Mayor Nurb: Step off, monkeyboy.

Roger: Why do you hate simians so much?
Roger: I can't see what's wrong with all of us...
Mayor Nurb: Of course you can't!
Mayor Nurb: You occupy the lowest level of evolution, and deservedly so!
Odster: He's got a point there.
Roger: Why?
Roger: Because I'm different?
Roger: Because I like to swing on a tireswing from time to time and indulge in the occasional banana?
Mayor Nurb: Because you are a simian.
Mayor Nurb: This planet was once a paradise, but your breed made a desert of it, ages ago.
[GOFT5] Gofty: I'm telling you, there's no convincing old Nurb.

Roger: So what's with the sudden popularity of caveball? Didn't you guys live up on the surface?
Odster: You obviously have no idea of how addictive it is.
Odster: Spreads like fire.
[GOFT6] Gofty: Indeed.
[GOFT7] Gofty: Nobody stops after they've had their very first third kickoff.
Mayor Nurb: I still remember mine as if it had happened last week.
[GOFT8] Gofty: It was last week, actually.
Mayor Nurb: Yes, yes, that's what I said. Or... did I?

Roger: Any idea who may have stolen the plans?
Mayor Nurb: I bet it was you, simian.
[GOFT9] Gofty: But the plans were lost long before he got here!
Mayor Nurb: Exactly! It's the perfect crime. Nobody would suspect him.
Mayor Nurb: But you can't fool me THAT easily!
Mayor Nurb: Drop your trousers, simian!
[GOFT10] Gofty: Do we have to go over this again?
Mayor Nurb: Sigh...
Mayor Nurb: Fine, keep your trousers on, simian.
Mayor Nurb: But if you cause any trouble, your pants are mine!
Odster: Right...
Odster: Anyway, I don't know for sure, but I suspect it's Merf.

Roger: Pardon me, would you have any grey poupon?
Odster: Ok, seriously, what's the big deal with the grey poupon?
[GOFT11] Gofty: Yeah, those two weirdos won't stop asking that.
Odster: Hmm... It's not a classic anecdote, is it?
Roger: Not a classic, no...
Mayor Nurb: Stupid simian, can't even tell a joke properly...

Roger: Hey, I found the plans!
Roger: Merf's hut.
[GOFT12] Gofty: Awesome! I knew he had the plans!
Odster: Hey, you think you can break in again and steal us a stereo?

Roger: I'm off. See you guys later.
[GOFT13] Gofty: Bye
Odster: Bye
Mayor Nurb: Good riddance.

Dialog: dMerfTalk

Roger: Merf?
[GOFT14] Gofty: Yeah, he's the guy who lives in the hut.
[GOFT15] Gofty: Rich and arrogant, thinks he's better than the rest of us.
Odster: And he always cheats at caveball.
Mayor Nurb: Yes, he does.
Mayor Nurb: Like a simian.
Mayor Nurb: A simian with no pants.
Mayor Nurb: Why can't anyone else see this adding up?!
Odster: Don't mind him, Roger. He's been like this ever since he missed two third kickoffs in a row.

Roger: Why do you suspect it's him?
[GOFT16] Gofty: He's never done any hard work which might have earned him his fortune, but he keeps getting richer and richer.
[GOFT17] Gofty: Which would make sense if he was working for the apemen as a spy.
Mayor Nurb: Almost too much sense.
Mayor Nurb: FAR too much sense if you ask me!

Roger: If you suspect it's him, why don't you stop him?
Odster: We don't have any evidence.
Odster: He keeps his house locked all the time and won't let anybody in.
[GOFT18] Gofty: We tried asking the Thieves' Guild for help, but they keep denying the organisation's existence.
Mayor Nurb: Although everyone knows it's there.
Odster: Yeah... It's supposed to be a secret, but they keep asking everyone to join.

Roger: Tell me more about Merf.
Mayor Nurb: He a snobby, greedy little brat - what more is there to tell?
[GOFT19] Gofty: He's been keeping to himself lately, playing with all his fancy new toys.
Odster: Also, he's haunted by the ghost of his former business partner!
[GOFT20] Gofty: No, that was us in the bushes last night rattling chains and screaming at his hut.
Odster: Ha ha! He was crying all night!
Mayor Nurb: You two are terrible.
[GOFT21] Gofty: Hey, you were there too, 'Mr. Ghost of Furkmas Future.'
Roger: He's afraid of ghosts?
Odster: Oh, sure. Just run at him screaming and waving some glow-sticks under a pillow case, and he'll be wetting his pants in no time.

304 - Caves - Furkunz Entrance

[GOFT33] Gofty: Hey, wake up! Please, Mister Wilco...
Odster: We must get him up, he may be our last hope!
[GOFT34] Gofty: I'm trying, but he isn't responding!
Comment: Reference to Borat's "Throw the Jew Down the Well"
Mayor Nurb: Throw the ape down the well!
Odster: Huh?
Mayor Nurb: So our caves can be free!
[GOFT35] Gofty: He's not an apeman.
[GOFT36] Gofty: And we don't even have a well!
Mayor Nurb: Yes, but...
Odster: Hey, guys! I think he's...
Odster: Yes! He's waking up!

307 - Caves - Furkunz Hall

[GOFT37] Gofty: Oh, thank the Bottle! He's alive!
Roger: Wh-where am I?
Finkle: We're terribly sorry, Mister Wilco, we had no idea it was you.
Odster: Yes, we thought you were one of those pesky apemen.
Roger: Why?
Odster: Well, it's just your horrid posture, your tendency to slouch, your...
Roger: I mean... What happened?
Finkle: As soon as we recognized you...
Finkle: ...once again, we are terribly sorry...
Odster: We need to protect ourselves from the apemen and we accidentally attacked you...
[GOFT38] Gofty: Please accept our apologies, Mister Wilco...
Roger: Uh, yeah... sure... but who are you?
Finkle: Ah, sorry about that... we are the Furkunz.
[GOFT39] Gofty: Let us help you to the bar, then we'll explain it all.

308 - Caves - Furkunz Bar

Bartender: Fresh ice water, on the house.
Roger: Um...thanks.
Odster: So, where were we...?
Finkle: We are the Furkunz...
[GOFT40] Gofty: You already said that.
Finkle: Shut up.
Finkle: My name is Finkle, and this here is...
Roger: ...Einhorn?
Odster: Nope, Odster.
[GOFT41] Gofty: And I'm Gofty.
Finkle: Anyway, Mister Wilco...
Roger: How do you know my name?
Finkle: How do we know your name? But you're famous!
Roger: I am?
Odster: You are the only man who has ever been able to defeat Vohaul and the apemen!
[GOFT42] Gofty: You are like a hero to us!
Odster: Except for Mayor Nurb.
Odster: He doesn't trust any simians, as he calls you.
[GOFT43] Gofty: But other than that, he's a nice fella.
Odster: Yeah!
Odster: Just last night, we were playing caveball with him, that was fun.
[GOFT44] Gofty: Heh heh heh, yeah, after the third kickoff when Odster snatched his--
Finkle: Will you two let me speak?
[GOFT45] Gofty: Sorry.
Odster: Sorry.
Finkle: We are on the same side as you are, Mister Wilco.
Finkle: We have a common enemy. Vohaul and the apes have been oppressing us for quite a while.
[GOFT46] Gofty: We used to live up on the surface.
[GOFT47] Gofty: That's where our real home is.
[GOFT48] Gofty: But then one day the apemen came along and acted as if the planet was their property.
Finkle: They drove us off the surface and destroyed our village.
Finkle: We had nowhere else to go than down here, where they couldn't find us.
Odster: But we hate it in here. Apart from caveball, there's nothing to do.
[GOFT49] Gofty: Although caveball IS quite fun. Especially when we play against the mayor.
Odster: Yeah!
Odster: Like that time he fumbled the double nelson during the far push and--
Finkle: Will you stop blabbering about this?
[GOFT45] Gofty: Sorry. (Duplicate)
Odster: Sorry.
Finkle: Anyway, we still haven't given up the hope to eventually claim back our spot on the surface.
Finkle: I'm the leader of the resistance and there is a big favor we'd like to ask you.
Finkle: However, I assume you would like some rest for now.
Finkle: Feel free to take a look around and talk to me again if you're interested in cooperation.

611 - Moon - Base Map

Random Apeman: Hey! What's going on here?
Random Apeman: Look out! He's got a shovel!
Finkle: FOR FREEDOM!!!
Random Apeman: Holy crap! They're everywhere!
Mayor Nurb: Die, simian!
[GOFT50] Gofty: Stop, mayor, it's Roger!
Roger: OW!
Mayor Nurb: Oh, sorry.
Odster: Go for the legs!
Random Apeman: We need back-up! Repeat! We need back-up!
Random Apeman: They're coming outta the walls. They're coming outta the freakin' walls!
Random Apeman: It's game over, man! Game over!
Random Apeman: Oh no, they summoned pterodactyls somehow!
Furkunz Priest: Praise the Bottle!
Finkle: Look out, there's a giant squid with machine guns!
[GOFT51] Gofty: This is almost better than a third kick-off!
Finkle: Come on, let's keep moving! We got 'em on the run!

620 - Moon - Mines - Entrance

Finkle: And heave!
[GOFT52] Gofty: Ho!
Finkle: HEAVE!!!
Odster: HOOO!!!
Finkle: Good! Now spread out! We're taking over this joint!

Post-Credits Furkunz

Odster: Ah, I love a happy ending. Don't you?
[GOFT54] Gofty: Absolutely. I like it when everything turns out for the best.
[GOFT55] Gofty: Right. So... now what do we do?
Odster: Hmm... fancy a game of caveball?
[GOFT56] Gofty: Nah. It's all fourth kick-offs these days.
Odster: We could go to the prison and spit on Merf.
[GOFT57] Gofty: Eh... there's always a line.
Odster: Wanna go dig in the mines again?
[GOFT58] Gofty: Okay!

Global Script

Roger: So do you Furkunz have Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass down here?
[GOFT22] Gofty: Of course we do!
Mayor Nurb: Silly human! How else do you expect us to play Caveball without it?
Odster: The ignorance of some people!

Roger: Check out what I found...
Roger: Merf's hut.
[GOFT12] Gofty: Awesome! I knew he had the plans! (Duplicate)
Odster: Hey, you think you can break in again and steal us a stereo?