Script for Gate Guard #2

Description: One of the two apeman guards at the fortress gate.

Dialog: dGateGuards1

Roger: Can you guys let me in?
Gate Guard #1: Only if you know the magic word.
Roger: Is it... 'please'?
Gate Guard #1: ...Not anymore.
[APE231] Gate Guard #2: Close one, though.

Roger: I command you to open this gate at once!
[APE232] Gate Guard #2: Who are you?

Dialog: dGateGuards2

Roger: I'm your boss.
Comment: Reference to Eddie Izzard's Death Star canteen
Gate Guard #1: You're Mr. Stevens?
Roger: What? No. Who's Mr. Stevens?
[APE233] Gate Guard #2: Our chief of security. But you don't look like him. Did you get a haircut?
Gate Guard #1: A big haircut?
Roger: Never mind.

Roger: I am Ridgenald Borstein, health inspector and part time galaxy savior!
Gate Guard #1: Borstein? I thought he disappeared after going on that nature walk.
[APE234] Gate Guard #2: I heard rumors he was eaten by that bone dragon.
Gate Guard #1: Really? I heard he was mugged by a killer snowman.
Roger: Is he allowed through this gate?
Gate Guard #1: Probably not. Both he and his clearance were declared legally dead months ago.
[APE235] Gate Guard #2: Which is too bad because Borstein owes us money. Or was that Borstrum?
Gate Guard #1: What did you say your name was again?
Roger: Never mind.

Roger: I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Gate Guard #1: I LOVE that movie!
[APE236] Gate Guard #2: Oh my god! I just got it on DVD!
Gate Guard #1: We should watch it after work!
[APE237] Gate Guard #2: And microwave some popcorn!
Gate Guard #1: I feel all giggly inside!
[APE238] Gate Guard #2: This is gonna be the BEST NIGHT EVER!

Roger: I'm the delivery boy. I've got three extra-large pepperoni for one... S. Vohaul?
Gate Guard #1: Ah, the boss' pizza is here.
[APE239] Gate Guard #2: So where is the pizza?
Roger: I'm carrying it... in my pants.
[APE240] Gate Guard #2: You're carrying three extra-large pizzas in your pants?
Roger: I carry a lot of things in my pants. Want to see?
Gate Guard #1: No. Absolutely not.
[APE241] Gate Guard #2: I don't think Vohaul would want pants pizza anyway.

Roger: I'm nobody.
Gate Guard #1: Well, nobody gets through this gate!
[APE242] Gate Guard #2: But HE'S nobody!
Gate Guard #1: Well, nobody without clearance gets through!
[APE243] Gate Guard #2: But he's still nobody and he still doesn't have clearance!
Gate Guard #1: Stop messing with my head!

407 - Boot Camp - Fortress Gate

[APE251] Gate Guard #2: Uhh... what do you think you're doing?
Roger: Opening the gate?
[APE232] Gate Guard #2: Who are you? (Duplicate)

Gate Guard #1: You ever feel like just flipping out and shooting your partner?
[APE252] Gate Guard #2: All the time, man.

[APE253] Gate Guard #2: You know, this guy I know works for Cereno Products and he gets dental insurance.
Gate Guard #1: Yeah, but can you work those kinds of hours?
[APE254] Gate Guard #2: Can you really put a price on dental hygiene?

Gate Guard #1: Hey, have you ever seen the snow?
[APE255] Gate Guard #2: Yeah, all the time.
Gate Guard #1: No, I mean, REALLY seen the snow.
[APE256] Gate Guard #2: Ohh...!
Gate Guard #1: Exactly.

[APE257] Gate Guard #2: I was thinking...
[APE258] Gate Guard #2: ...maybe you and me and a couple of others could get together sometime and type out the complete works of Shakespeare for awhile.
Gate Guard #1: That sounds likely.

Comment: Reference to which used to host the website for either SQ: Future's Past or Special Quarantine Future Spa Shock Treatments, depending on whether you were a lawyer with a cease-and-desist order or not.
Gate Guard #1: Hey, I'm going to go get one of those Future Spa Shock Treatments - they say it makes you feel years younger!
[APE259] Gate Guard #2: Meh, it's not for me; the baby seems like it would be too high-maintenance.

[APE260] Gate Guard #2: Roger Wilco's a real jerk, isn't he?
Gate Guard #1: That's what I've been programmed to think.
[APE261] Gate Guard #2: I know if I ever saw him I'd shoot without provocation.
Gate Guard #1: You ever think about what he'd look like with a moustache?
[APE262] Gate Guard #2: That's crazy talk. Moustaches are just a myth.

Gate Guard #1: I'm getting cramps here.
[APE263] Gate Guard #2: Yeah, and the gate's rusting up.
[APE264] Gate Guard #2: You know what I think we should do?
Gate Guard #1: What?
[APE265] Gate Guard #2: Open up the gate to air the hinges out and go on a relaxing ten-mile hike.
[APE266] Gate Guard #2: Right now.
Gate Guard #1: No packed lunch.
[APE267] Gate Guard #2: Damn. Forget I said anything.

[APE268] Gate Guard #2: They said to expect a heroic rescue attempt today.
Gate Guard #1: Aww, man. Don't let it happen to me now.
Gate Guard #1: I'm just 58 years from retirement...