Script for Gate Guard #1

Description: One of the two apeman guards at the fortress gate.

Dialog: dGateGuards1

Roger: Can you guys let me in?
[APE11] Gate Guard #1: Only if you know the magic word.
Roger: Is it... 'please'?
[APE12] Gate Guard #1: ...Not anymore.
Gate Guard #2: Close one, though.

Roger: What will it take to open this gate?
[APE13] Gate Guard #1: A well-placed explosive charge or a space hero dressed in drag.
Roger: Geez, that's the answer for everything.

Dialog: dGateGuards2

Roger: I'm your boss.
Comment: Reference to Eddie Izzard's Death Star canteen
[APE14] Gate Guard #1: You're Mr. Stevens?
Roger: What? No. Who's Mr. Stevens?
Gate Guard #2: Our chief of security. But you don't look like him. Did you get a haircut?
[APE15] Gate Guard #1: A big haircut?
Roger: Never mind.

Roger: I am Ridgenald Borstein, health inspector and part time galaxy savior!
[APE16] Gate Guard #1: Borstein? I thought he disappeared after going on that nature walk.
Gate Guard #2: I heard rumors he was eaten by that bone dragon.
[APE17] Gate Guard #1: Really? I heard he was mugged by a killer snowman.
Roger: Is he allowed through this gate?
[APE18] Gate Guard #1: Probably not. Both he and his clearance were declared legally dead months ago.
Gate Guard #2: Which is too bad because Borstein owes us money. Or was that Borstrum?
[APE19] Gate Guard #1: What did you say your name was again?
Roger: Never mind.

Roger: I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
[APE110] Gate Guard #1: I LOVE that movie!
Gate Guard #2: Oh my god! I just got it on DVD!
[APE111] Gate Guard #1: We should watch it after work!
Gate Guard #2: And microwave some popcorn!
[APE112] Gate Guard #1: I feel all giggly inside!
Gate Guard #2: This is gonna be the BEST NIGHT EVER!

Roger: I'm the delivery boy. I've got three extra-large pepperoni for one... S. Vohaul?
[APE113] Gate Guard #1: Ah, the boss' pizza is here.
Gate Guard #2: So where is the pizza?
Roger: I'm carrying it... in my pants.
Gate Guard #2: You're carrying three extra-large pizzas in your pants?
Roger: I carry a lot of things in my pants. Want to see?
[APE114] Gate Guard #1: No. Absolutely not.
Gate Guard #2: I don't think Vohaul would want pants pizza anyway.

Roger: I'm nobody.
[APE115] Gate Guard #1: Well, nobody gets through this gate!
Gate Guard #2: But HE'S nobody!
[APE116] Gate Guard #1: Well, nobody without clearance gets through!
Gate Guard #2: But he's still nobody and he still doesn't have clearance!
[APE117] Gate Guard #1: Stop messing with my head!

407 - Boot Camp - Fortress Gate

Roger: Would you let me through if I gave you... this piece of viewshield glass?
[APE133] Gate Guard #1: ...Umm. No?
Roger: Drat.

[APE134] Gate Guard #1: You ever feel like just flipping out and shooting your partner?
Gate Guard #2: All the time, man.

Gate Guard #2: You know, this guy I know works for Cereno Products and he gets dental insurance.
[APE135] Gate Guard #1: Yeah, but can you work those kinds of hours?
Gate Guard #2: Can you really put a price on dental hygiene?

[APE136] Gate Guard #1: Hey, have you ever seen the snow?
Gate Guard #2: Yeah, all the time.
[APE137] Gate Guard #1: No, I mean, REALLY seen the snow.
Gate Guard #2: Ohh...!
[APE138] Gate Guard #1: Exactly.

Gate Guard #2: I was thinking...
Gate Guard #2: ...maybe you and me and a couple of others could get together sometime and type out the complete works of Shakespeare for awhile.
[APE139] Gate Guard #1: That sounds likely.

Comment: Reference to which used to host the website for either SQ: Future's Past or Special Quarantine Future Spa Shock Treatments, depending on whether you were a lawyer with a cease-and-desist order or not.
[APE140] Gate Guard #1: Hey, I'm going to go get one of those Future Spa Shock Treatments - they say it makes you feel years younger!
Gate Guard #2: Meh, it's not for me; the baby seems like it would be too high-maintenance.

Gate Guard #2: Roger Wilco's a real jerk, isn't he?
[APE141] Gate Guard #1: That's what I've been programmed to think.
Gate Guard #2: I know if I ever saw him I'd shoot without provocation.
[APE142] Gate Guard #1: You ever think about what he'd look like with a moustache?
Gate Guard #2: That's crazy talk. Moustaches are just a myth.

[APE143] Gate Guard #1: I'm getting cramps here.
Gate Guard #2: Yeah, and the gate's rusting up.
Gate Guard #2: You know what I think we should do?
[APE119] Gate Guard #1: What?
Gate Guard #2: Open up the gate to air the hinges out and go on a relaxing ten-mile hike.
Gate Guard #2: Right now.
[APE144] Gate Guard #1: No packed lunch.
Gate Guard #2: Damn. Forget I said anything.

Gate Guard #2: They said to expect a heroic rescue attempt today.
[APE145] Gate Guard #1: Aww, man. Don't let it happen to me now.
[APE146] Gate Guard #1: I'm just 58 years from retirement...