Script for General Forksmith

Description: The leader of Vohaul's army of Apemen.
Forksmith is a somewhat ill-tempered near-senile military veteran who pines for the old days.
His voice should have a distinguished "old military man"-sound to it, with a bit of "crazy old guy" thrown into the mix.

Dialog: dMinilith

Roger: Hey there.
[FORK1] General Forksmith: Wha--? Oh, yeah... hi.
Roger: Say, what's that thing you've got here?
[FORK2] General Forksmith: This is, uh... wait, who are you?
Roger: Ridgenald Borstein, health inspector.
[FORK3] General Forksmith: Gah... you inspectors and your health...
[FORK4] General Forksmith: Back in my day, we didn't need no bloody inspection in the army.
[FORK5] General Forksmith: Heck, we ate each other's fleas for fun!
[FORK6] General Forksmith: Heck, we still do!
Roger: Uhh... yeah, that's... interesting.

Roger: So what's that black thing?
[FORK7] General Forksmith: Ah, this...
[FORK8] General Forksmith: Well... I'm not really sure.
[FORK9] General Forksmith: A group of soldiers were jumping around and chanting at it earlier - said it fell out of the sky. They called me down to investigate.
[FORK10] General Forksmith: Seems like an ordinary rock at first, but something about it seems to call out to us.
[FORK11] General Forksmith: What do you think it is? An ancient alien artifact? A gift from the ape-gods?
Roger: A broken piece of satellite?
[FORK12] General Forksmith: I'm going to have to open it.
Roger: It doesn't look very... openable to me.
[FORK13] General Forksmith: A-ha! You see, boy, this is why I'm a general and you're a...
Roger: Health inspector.
[FORK14] General Forksmith: ...whatever.
[FORK15] General Forksmith: See, I've got the smarts. I know when something needs to be opened, just by looking at it.
[FORK16] General Forksmith: Now why don't you get me something to smash this thing open with?

Roger: Have you tried explosives?
[FORK17] General Forksmith: Pah! First thing I thought of!
[FORK18] General Forksmith: But of course, nowadays they have reg-gu-lay-schuns for that sort of thing. No excessive destruction in populated areas, they say.
[FORK19] General Forksmith: Health hazards, noise levels, limited resources...
[FORK20] General Forksmith: They're taking all the fun out of the military, I'm tellin' ya.
[FORK21] General Forksmith: Makes an old man want to hang his uniform, settle down in a cheap retirement home and just talk weird for a couple o' years, waiting for the big one.
[FORK22] General Forksmith: Now, if only I had a tool o' some sort. Then I could make this doohickey regret it ever cropped up in *my* camp.

Roger: Why are there so few soldiers in this camp?
[FORK23] General Forksmith: This used to be the main camp when the fortress was being built.
[FORK24] General Forksmith: Now it's just more of a security barrier and storage area for stuff we find lying around in the wasteland.
[FORK25] General Forksmith: Most of the apes are either scouting the area or busy with the whole detonite mining.
Roger: Detonite?
[FORK26] General Forksmith: Yeah, that stuff they found on the moon--
[FORK27] General Forksmith: Hold on a sec, why am I telling you all this?
Roger: Err...
[FORK28] General Forksmith: Be quiet, you.
[FORK29] General Forksmith: I've got important things to do here.

Roger: Well, I don't want to distract you...
[FORK30] General Forksmith: Whuh??
Roger: I said I don't want to distract you...
[FORK31] General Forksmith: I don't care.

Dialog: dForkRoof1

Roger: Problems, General?
[FORK32] General Forksmith: No-good, dirty, rotten antenna! Daaah!

Roger: How do you know if it's fixed or not?
[FORK33] General Forksmith: See that little speck down there? No, of course not - because you don't have eyes like a Sereptonian Seven-Eyed Hawk like I do. In either case, the reception is not getting any better.
Roger: Don't you have maintenance people?
[FORK34] General Forksmith: Yeah, but they usually take about six weeks to show up.

Roger: They say too much TV is bad for your eyes anyway.
[FORK35] General Forksmith: They also say lipping off is bad for your skull.
Roger: And why is...
Narrator: Roger, just let it go. Okay? Just let it go.

Roger: Want me to hold onto your keys in case you drop them?
[FORK36] General Forksmith: Listen, Wilco - you aren't taking my keys again.
Roger: I was just going to look at them.
[FORK37] General Forksmith: You must really think I'm stupid, don't you?
Roger: No, of course not.
[FORK38] General Forksmith: Smart aleck kid. Get a job!

Dialog: dForkRoof2

Roger: Well, now the chain's on the other foot, eh, General?
[FORK39] General Forksmith: When I get out of here, I'm going to rip off your foot, shove it down your throat and strangle you with your intestines. Now let me go!
Roger: Okay, okay! Just don't hurt me!
Narrator: Roger, DON'T.
Roger: Oh, right. The strangling.

Roger: Give me your key and I'll let you go.
[FORK40] General Forksmith: Ha! The joke's on you! I lost it down the sink trying to unclog a hairball!
Roger: Technically, doesn't that mean the joke's on you, since I'm not letting you go?
[FORK41] General Forksmith: Hmmm... good point.
Roger: Then at least tell me where the nearest sewer entrance is.
[FORK42] General Forksmith: This is the moon! There are no sewers! All our water recirculates throughout the base.
Roger: Interesting.
Roger: Gross, but interesting.

Roger: Maybe now you've learned your lesson, General?
[FORK43] General Forksmith: That's right. I'll never watch 'Price is Right' again. Time spent watching people guess the value of modern appliances could be better spent with family and friends at my age.
Roger: I mean about working for evil.
[FORK44] General Forksmith: Oh, no. I'm still pretty evil. In fact, I think I went up about five notches when you chained me here.

Roger: You'd look great with a blonde Furkunz and some tiny airplanes.
[FORK45] General Forksmith: I was thinking of getting that, but someone told me I'd be going too retro. Do you really think I could pull it off?
Roger: Oh, yeah. And bungee-jumping off tall buildings? All the chicks would go for that.
[FORK46] General Forksmith: I'm glad we've had this conversation. Let me go so we may celebrate.

Roger: I'll be back to check on you later.
[FORK47] General Forksmith: Please don't leave me. There's wolves out and I'm hungry.

Dialog: dForkTV

Roger: General? Is that you?
[FORK48] General Forksmith: Hey! The health inspector... or should I say... ROGER WILCO?
Roger: Oops.
[FORK49] General Forksmith: Meh... I don't have time to deal with you right now. I'm on break.
Roger: Oh, that's good.
[FORK50] General Forksmith: But after my show is over, you're going down.
Roger: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

Roger: So you're not going to kill me?
[FORK51] General Forksmith: Ssshhh! TV!
Roger: Sorry! Sorry!

Roger: Can I have that pie?
[FORK52] General Forksmith: No! That's my third commercial break pie!
Roger: Would you be willing to trade for it?
[FORK53] General Forksmith: Why? What kind of pie do you have?
Roger: I don't have pie.
[FORK54] General Forksmith: Then get lost!

Roger: How's that bump on your head?
[FORK55] General Forksmith: Grrrrr...

Roger: You wouldn't happen to have some sort of a key on you, would you?
[FORK56] General Forksmith: Like say, a shuttle key?
Roger: No, I already took that from you. I need a different key this time.
[FORK57] General Forksmith: Do you HAVE to be such a pest?!
Roger: Just tell me where the key is and I'll leave you alone.
[FORK58] General Forksmith: Just leave me alone or I'll call the guards.
Roger: You make a good argument.

102 - Intro - Apeman HQ

[FORK69] General Forksmith: ...and the plumber says: "Hey, that's not a banana, it's an airplane!"
Berthold: Ha... ha... er... I don't get it...
[FORK70] General Forksmith: You will, Berthold. You will.
[FORK71] General Forksmith: All right. Who threw this?
Random Apeman: It... it just came outta nowhere, General Forksmith!
[FORK72] General Forksmith: DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?! DISKS DON'T JUST COME FRO-- ...wait a minute, what's this?

[FORK73] General Forksmith: YES!
Berthold: What?
[FORK74] General Forksmith: It's the disk!
Berthold: Wait, you don't mean... THE disk?
[FORK75] General Forksmith: The very same!
Random Apeman: What disk?
[FORK76] General Forksmith: Haven't you heard?
Random Apeman: Heard about what?
[FORK77] General Forksmith: This is the disk we're supposed to use to resurrect master Vohaul!
Berthold: By rebuilding him as a robot!
[FORK78] General Forksmith: We've had the schematics for years. All we needed was his mind.
Berthold: And now we have it! We can bring him back to life!
Random Apeman: Are we... sure we want to do this?
[FORK79] General Forksmith: ...what do you mean?
Random Apeman: Wasn't he kind of... insane?
Random Apeman: I mean, don't you think we've been better off without him?
Berthold: Hmm. It's been pretty boring if you ask me.
[FORK80] General Forksmith: Exactly! We haven't done anything exciting in ages.
Berthold: We need a proper leader!
[FORK81] General Forksmith: And now we're going to build ourselves one!
Berthold: Vohaul will live again!
Random Apeman: Ah, what the heck...
Narrator: A few weeks later...

103 - Intro - Vohaul Disk Close-up

[FORK82] General Forksmith: Vohaul backup? Could it really...?

104 - Intro - Vohaul Resurrection Lab

Ape Scientist: I suppose that should do it.
[FORK83] General Forksmith: So, is the new body fully functional yet?
Ape Scientist: Functional, yes, but there were many parts in these schematics that were a bit difficult to follow.
Ape Scientist: Fortunately, my team and I were able to compensate for that by taking numerous creative shortcuts.
[FORK84] General Forksmith: So you believe master Vohaul will be pleased?
Ape Scientist: Certainly. Why wouldn't he be? I mean, just look at him!
Ape Scientist: ...and squint a little.
[FORK85] General Forksmith: Ah, excellent!
[FORK86] General Forksmith: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's do this!
Ape Scientist: Master Vohaul, our supreme commander... I shall now give you...
Comment: Frankenstein reference! D'uh!
Ape Scientist: ...LIFE!!!
Comment: Mass Effect 2 reference
Vohaul: Assuming direct control...
Ape Scientist: A-ha! Success!
Comment: Quote from "Spy Hard"
[FORK87] General Forksmith: He's back! Big as life and twice as ugly!
Vohaul: Ahh... I see that Plan B has been a success.
Vohaul: I've been waiting for a long time to try out my new robot bo--
Vohaul: What the...?
[FORK88] General Forksmith: Is... is there a problem, sir?
Comment: Bit of a running gag line
Vohaul: And... IS THAT A HAMSTER??!!
Ape Scientist: Well, uh... we had to make a few adjustments...
[FORK89] General Forksmith: ...Master Vohaul?
Ape Scientist: I think he blew a fuse.
[FORK90] General Forksmith: He didn't seem very pleased.
Ape Scientist: Oh, I think he just needs a little time to adjust to his new surroundings.
Ape Scientist: Besides, he was never much of a morning person.
[FORK91] General Forksmith: I see. Well, carry on.
Ape Scientist: Will do.
Narrator: As Vohaul rebuilds the collapsed apeman empire, one obsession remains constantly on the forefront of his mind - revenge on Roger Wilco.
Narrator: Rather than dispatching of his nemesis promptly, he spends the next two years plotting an elaborate scheme of vengeance until one day he decides that he is ready... to strike back.

406 - Boot Camp - Minilith

[FORK92] General Forksmith: Hey! Stay away from that thing, this is a military investigation!

[FORK92] General Forksmith: Hey! Stay away from that thing, this is a military investigation! (Duplicate)

Roger: Hmm, maybe you could try this bone?
[FORK93] General Forksmith: A bone?
[FORK94] General Forksmith: I meant get me something like a sledgehammer.
[FORK95] General Forksmith: How am I supposed to smash a rock open with a...
[FORK96] General Forksmith: Actually, let me have a closer look at that bone...
Roger: Here you go.
[FORK97] General Forksmith: Yeah... look at that.
[FORK98] General Forksmith: Solid form... good weight... a primal tool of... of...
Roger: I meant for that to happen.

613 - Moon - Transmission Tower

Narrator: While Forksmith isn't looking, you quickly clamp one end of the manacle around the antenna and the other around his foot.
[FORK100] General Forksmith: What the?
[FORK101] General Forksmith: Chrome steel! My only weakness! How did you know?! Grraarrr!!!

615 - Moon - Kitchen

[FORK102] General Forksmith: Dad-blasted television set!

[FORK103] General Forksmith: Get your grubby little paws off my pie!
Narrator: Man, this guy's got eyes in the back of his head!

[FORK104] General Forksmith: Now, Roger - you're not planning on stealing my pie, are you?
Roger: Who, me? Noooo.
[FORK105] General Forksmith: Good. Now don't touch ANYTHING.
Roger: He's good.

[FORK106] General Forksmith: What did I just say?
Roger: I was just looking at it!
[FORK107] General Forksmith: Listen, I've got a busted antenna to deal with - I don't need to be running back and forth here checking on my pie! I'm missing my show!
Roger: I won't do it anymore! I promise!
[FORK108] General Forksmith: Good!
Narrator: How does he DO that?!

[FORK109] General Forksmith: HEY!
Roger: Whoops!
[FORK110] General Forksmith: I'm watching you.

622 - Moon - Mines - Drill

[FORK111] General Forksmith: ...and when I woke up, he'd taken my keys and flown off in my ship!
[FORK112] General Forksmith: I had to hitch a ride on the next shuttle!
Never Kenezer: And you were certain this was Wilco?
[FORK113] General Forksmith: It must have been! Right now he's flying around in my ship, probably preparing to wage a one-man siege on our base!
[FORK114] General Forksmith: We need to stop him before that hairless monkey kills us all!
Vohaul: Gentlemen! Wilco is no more!
[FORK115] General Forksmith: Wow, that was quick.
Beatrice: Roger?!
Never Kenezer: Ah, excellent! I take it his death was swift and immediate then?
Vohaul: No! He has been imprisoned!
Never Kenezer: another dimension, right?
Vohaul: No! In a jail cell! Mwahaha!
[FORK116] General Forksmith: Well done, boss! Well done!
Never Kenezer: ...Rrriight.
Vohaul: And how are things going with the detonite drill? Did we reach the moon's core yet? Can we plant the charges?
Never Kenezer: Not yet, my Lord. We hit a bit of a snag when our reactor blew a fuse trying breach the core's mantle.
Never Kenezer: Fortunately, we managed to mine enough detonite from the surface to refine a single detonite crystal.
Vohaul: Watch it with that! You'll blow us all up!
Never Kenezer: Not to fear, Lord Vohaul. Detonite is only dangerous in its raw form.
Never Kenezer: When refined, it functions as a stable source of energy.
Never Kenezer: A single crystal will provide enough power to finish our operation.
Never Kenezer: We'll need to make some modifications to the drill, though.
Never Kenezer: And as short-handed as we are up here, this could take a while.
Vohaul: This is unacceptable!
[FORK117] General Forksmith: Hey, I heard we just captured a bunch of those Furkunz near the boot camp.
[FORK118] General Forksmith: They don't seem too eager to cooperate, though.
Never Kenezer: Hmm, they would make the perfect lab rats for my mind control experiment.
Never Kenezer: Send them up and I'll have them slaving away at the mines in no time.
Vohaul: Now that's more like it!
Vohaul: And then I shall finally have my MOON BOMB!
Never Kenezer: Indeed. Though may I remind you once again that if we were to blackmail the galaxy instead of destroying it--
Vohaul: MOON BOMB!
Never Kenezer: But there will be nothing to gain if we--
Vohaul: MOON BOMB!
[FORK119] General Forksmith: Yeah, MOON BOMB!
Never Kenezer: *sigh* Yes, my master. You will have your moon bomb.
Never Kenezer: General Forksmith, do not lose your key. We'll each have one so no one can get into this compartment.
[FORK120] General Forksmith: I won't let it out of my sight!
Vohaul: Yes, soon the entire galaxy will be at our mercy! Nothing can stop us now!
Beatrice: All right, I've had enough of this.
Never Kenezer: Gah! Curses! Forksmith! Stop her!
[FORK121] General Forksmith: Heh, heh, heh. Moon bomb.
Never Kenezer: FORKSMITH!
[FORK122] General Forksmith: Oh, right, right.

801 - Renegade Outro - Cannon

Ape Colonel: What can I say about Lord Vohaul other than to remember him as he was, and not the horrible monster we turned him into.
Ape Colonel: Alas, to lose such a noble leader is a cruel fate indeed for apekind.
Ape Colonel: And now, a few words from the man to blame for his death. Mr. Wilco?
Roger: I can see some loaded weapons in the room, so I'll make this short.
Roger: I didn't know Vohaul very well.
Roger: In fact, the first time we met, he shipped me off to die on a forsaken jungle planet.
Roger: Long story short, he spent a lot of time trying to kill me, and then he died. That's about it.
[FORK123] General Forksmith: The repairs have been made to your ship. I'd recommend you leave as soon as possible.
Roger: Will you guys get along fine without your leader?
[FORK124] General Forksmith: Ah, we'll be fine. We'll just have to start taking things back into our own hands.
[FORK125] General Forksmith: The Furkunz have returned to their caves but I suspect we haven't seen the last of them.
[FORK126] General Forksmith: It's gonna be difficult to call a truce after all this.
[FORK127] General Forksmith: Not to mention Never Kenezer seems to be missing.
Roger: You let him get away?!
Random Apeman: That was my bad. Sorry.
[FORK128] General Forksmith: Beh. Just get out of here.
Ape Colonel: Anyway, it is time...
[FORK129] General Forksmith: Ah, yes.
[FORK130] General Forksmith: Fire the cannon!

Global Script

[FORK59] General Forksmith: Now what the hell do you think you're doing there, boy?

Roger: Need a hand?
[FORK60] General Forksmith: I can fix it myself!
Roger: You just look like that thing's giving you some trouble.
[FORK61] General Forksmith: I said I'm fine! Beat it!

[FORK62] General Forksmith: Hey! What do you think you're doing?
Roger: Sorry. Thought I saw a tick.
[FORK63] General Forksmith: Groom me again, and someone'll be picking pieces of YOU out of my hair.

Roger: Might this piece of highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass help in your investigation?
[FORK64] General Forksmith: Does it contain all the secrets of the universe?
Roger: It contains SOME of the secrets of the universe.
[FORK65] General Forksmith: Not good enough. Sorry.

Roger: I bet you're wishing you had this highly reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass now.
[FORK66] General Forksmith: Not really. No.

Roger: I'll give you this highly reflective Octuple-Thick...
Roger: You know what? Screw it. Can I have some pie?
[FORK67] General Forksmith: NO!

Roger: Monkey wanna banana?
[FORK68] General Forksmith: Why would I take ANYTHING from you, let alone a strange banana that's probably filled with rat poison?
Roger: clever devil!