Script for Ape Colonel

Description: The Colonel is the brusque leader of the boot camp. Ranks lower than General Forksmith.
He suffers from an unspecific "condition" that renders him rather cranky.
He is often busy with paperwork, and will not think twice before shooting you if you disturb him.
The Colonel would probably sound a lot more distinguished than the other apemen. Could have a British accent, as opposed to the other apemen.

Dialog: dCol

Roger: Hello there. I'm a health inspector. Vohaul sent me to inspect the camp and...
[COL1] Ape Colonel: I'm very busy right now, so get right to the point.

Roger: Say, nice day we're having, huh?
[COL2] Ape Colonel: I consider the wasting of my time a crime punishable by death.

Roger: Could you order that big gate to be opened?
Roger: I need to go and inspect the fortress.
[COL3] Ape Colonel: No you don't.
Roger: Why not?
[COL4] Ape Colonel: Because that's Vohaul's domain. He wouldn't hire you to inspect his own filth.
Roger: Oh, really?
[COL5] Ape Colonel: Yes. If you worked for Vohaul, you should have known that. But you didn't, so you're most likely a spy.
[COL6] Ape Colonel: And a stupid one as well.

Roger: I would be interested in getting a permit for the Doctor to leave the camp.
[COL7] Ape Colonel: No.
Narrator: That went quite well, actually. Considering you're still alive.

Dialog: dColDeath

Roger: Death? Surely you must be joking!
[COL7] Ape Colonel: No. (Duplicate)

Dialog: dColPermit

Roger: Could you sign this, please?
[COL8] Ape Colonel: Hmm, what is it?

Roger: It's a permit for the Doctor to leave the camp.
[COL9] Ape Colonel: Hmm. You shouldn't have one.

Roger: It's the health inspection report.
[COL10] Ape Colonel: Hmm... that's odd, they're usually much larger...
Roger: Uh, no need to pay attention to the details, you can just sign--
[COL11] Ape Colonel: Hang on, this is a permit. You shouldn't have one.

Dialog: dColClip

Roger: I need another signature on this.
[COL12] Ape Colonel: Beg pardon?
Roger: Could you sign this, please?
[COL8] Ape Colonel: Hmm, what is it? (Duplicate)

Roger: It's the permit for the Doctor to leave the camp.
Roger: ...pasted on a clipboard in order to fool you into thinking it's the health inspection report and signing it.
[COL13] Ape Colonel: Hmm. You know, that's not a bad idea at all.
Roger: You think so?
[COL14] Ape Colonel: Yeah. I'm pretty sure it would've worked too.
Roger: Awesome.
[COL15] Ape Colonel: There's only one problem, though.
Roger: I... um... I shouldn't have told you about it?
[COL16] Ape Colonel: Precisely.
Roger: Oh well. Better luck next time, eh?
[COL17] Ape Colonel: Wait... what next time?

Roger: It's a feedback form for a beach resort.
[COL18] Ape Colonel: Keep it.

Roger: It's the health inspection report.
[COL19] Ape Colonel: Ah. I'm too busy to read it, though.
[COL20] Ape Colonel: What does it say?

Dialog: dColInspection

Roger: Well, I'm going to have to be honest with you...
Roger: It's obvious that the base hasn't been properly cleaned in months, the apes never wash themselves...
Roger: And I'm not even going to start with what's in that closet.
Roger: When I get this to Vohaul, you're in some deep trouble.
[COL21] Ape Colonel: Hmm. Even more trouble than for, say, the murder of a health inspector which might not even be discovered?
Roger: Well... I suppose, yes.
Roger: Why do you ask?

Roger: There's also a permit of some sort pasted on it.
[COL22] Ape Colonel: Are you trying to trick me?
Roger: ...No?
[COL23] Ape Colonel: I'll take that as a "yes".

Roger: Why, it just so happens to say that everything is perfectly up to code...
Roger: ...and fully compliant with even the strictest intergalactic regulations!
[COL24] Ape Colonel: Hmm, that sounds about right. Where do I sign?
Roger: Right here...

404 - Boot Camp - Center

Entrance Guard: Hey, you! You didn't press the alarm button, did you?
Roger: Who, me?
[COL30] Ape Colonel: What's all this about?
Entrance Guard: Sir! Somebody set off the gate alarm!
[COL31] Ape Colonel: So why in the name of Vohaul aren't you at the gate?!
Entrance Guard: Well... I had to... uh, this inspector here...
[COL32] Ape Colonel: Get back to your post and find out what's going on!
Entrance Guard: Yes, but...
[COL33] Ape Colonel: And don't let me see you wandering around again! Is that clear?!
Entrance Guard: Yes, sir.
[COL34] Ape Colonel: Dismissed!

408 - Boot Camp - Colonel's Tent

[COL35] Ape Colonel: Get your stinkin' hands off that, you damn dirty health inspector!

[COL36] Ape Colonel: Keep it down, will ya?
Roger: Oh, sorry.

Roger: Heheh, how cute! This miniature desk must be for the Colonel's children!
[COL37] Ape Colonel: What was that?
Roger: Err... nothing!
Roger: Sir!

801 - Renegade Outro - Cannon

[COL39] Ape Colonel: What can I say about Lord Vohaul other than to remember him as he was, and not the horrible monster we turned him into.
[COL40] Ape Colonel: Alas, to lose such a noble leader is a cruel fate indeed for apekind.
[COL41] Ape Colonel: And now, a few words from the man to blame for his death. Mr. Wilco?
Roger: I can see some loaded weapons in the room, so I'll make this short.
Roger: I didn't know Vohaul very well.
Roger: In fact, the first time we met, he shipped me off to die on a forsaken jungle planet.
Roger: Long story short, he spent a lot of time trying to kill me, and then he died. That's about it.
General Forksmith: The repairs have been made to your ship. I'd recommend you leave as soon as possible.
Roger: Will you guys get along fine without your leader?
General Forksmith: Ah, we'll be fine. We'll just have to start taking things back into our own hands.
General Forksmith: The Furkunz have returned to their caves but I suspect we haven't seen the last of them.
General Forksmith: It's gonna be difficult to call a truce after all this.
General Forksmith: Not to mention Never Kenezer seems to be missing.
Roger: You let him get away?!
Random Apeman: That was my bad. Sorry.
General Forksmith: Beh. Just get out of here.
[COL42] Ape Colonel: Anyway, it is time...
General Forksmith: Ah, yes.
General Forksmith: Fire the cannon!

Global Script

[COL25] Ape Colonel: Don't disturb me.

[COL26] Ape Colonel: What is it now?
Roger: Check this out!
Roger: It's a permit for Dr Nelzo to high-tail it out of here!
Roger: You signed it for me without even realizing it!
Roger: You know what we call that on Xenon?
Roger: Ownage. That's what we call it.
Roger: You have been owned. By Roger Wilco, slayer of Sludge Vohaul!
Roger: Yeah, what have you got to say to that?
Roger: Erm... so have you got something to say?
Roger: Okay, well, I'll be going now.
[COL27] Ape Colonel: Quite.

Roger: Could you sign this, please?
[COL7] Ape Colonel: No. (Duplicate)
[COL28] Ape Colonel: Take your green slime elsewhere.

Roger: Would you do me a favor in return for this piece of viewshield glass here?
[COL7] Ape Colonel: No. (Duplicate)
Roger: Oh, but this is no ordinary glass...
[COL29] Ape Colonel: Stop wasting my time.
Roger: But this is Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Mor...