Script for Entrance Guard

Description: Guards the entrance to the boot camp. Father of Rupert.
Part of a group of apemen who have something to hide from Vohaul (it's not specified what).
When Roger pretends to enter the camp as a health inspector, he panics and tries to get rid of Roger by serving him a highly deadly cup of tea.
Will not take "no" for an answer, unless you thoroughly confuse him with octuple negatives. Or is that quindecuple...?
Later follows Roger around in the camp, preventing him from doing various things.

Dialog: dBootGuard

Roger: Hey there.
[BOOT1] Entrance Guard: Hey. ...say, you look kind of familiar...
Roger: I... do? *gulp*
[BOOT2] Entrance Guard: Hmm, wait... no.
[BOOT3] Entrance Guard: I was thinking of someone who doesn't have a moustache.
[BOOT4] Entrance Guard: So what do you want?
Roger: I was wondering if I could take a look inside...
[BOOT5] Entrance Guard: Do you have an ID?
Roger: Of course I do - here you go.
[BOOT6] Entrance Guard: *gulp*
[BOOT7] Entrance Guard: Oh... you're a health inspector?
Roger: Indeed. Vohaul sent me to make sure this camp is up to code.
[BOOT8] Entrance Guard: Ah... er...
[BOOT9] Entrance Guard: ...well, in that case... where's your clipboard?
Roger: My... clipboard?
[BOOT10] Entrance Guard: Yes! Every health inspector has a clipboard!
Roger: Are you sure?
[BOOT11] Entrance Guard: Heck yeah! We're not falling for that one again.
Comment: Monkey Island reference
[BOOT12] Entrance Guard: Couple weeks ago, a guy claiming to be a flooring inspector came by and turned out to be an undercover pirate.
Roger: And he didn't have a clipboard?
[BOOT13] Entrance Guard: He said his parrot was taking notes, and that pretty much clued us in.

Roger: Ermmm...
Roger: You know what? Just remembered...
Roger: I left my clipboard in my other pair of pants!
Roger: I'll be right back.
[BOOT14] Entrance Guard: No need to hurry.

Dialog: dYesNo

[BOOT15] Entrance Guard: So you don't want the tea?

Roger: Could you excuse me for a moment?
[BOOT16] Entrance Guard: Sure.

Dialog: dYesNoB

[BOOT17] Entrance Guard: Are you sure?

Roger: Could you excuse me for a moment?
[BOOT16] Entrance Guard: Sure. (Duplicate)

Dialog: dYesNoC

[BOOT18] Entrance Guard: Are you REALLY sure?

Roger: Could you excuse me for a moment?
[BOOT16] Entrance Guard: Sure. (Duplicate)

Dialog: dYesNoD

[BOOT19] Entrance Guard: Are you quite really very most indeedly sure?

Roger: What?
[BOOT19] Entrance Guard: Are you quite really very most indeedly sure? (Duplicate)

Roger: Could you excuse me for a moment?
[BOOT16] Entrance Guard: Sure. (Duplicate)

Dialog: dYesNoE

[BOOT20] Entrance Guard: So you would NOT say 'No' to a cup of tea?

Roger: I would say what?
[BOOT20] Entrance Guard: So you would NOT say 'No' to a cup of tea? (Duplicate)

Roger: Could you excuse me for a moment?
[BOOT16] Entrance Guard: Sure. (Duplicate)

Dialog: dYesNoF

[BOOT21] Entrance Guard: I implore you to reconsider.

Roger: Could you repeat that?
[BOOT21] Entrance Guard: I implore you to reconsider. (Duplicate)

Roger: Could you excuse me for a moment?
[BOOT16] Entrance Guard: Sure. (Duplicate)

Dialog: dYesNoG

[BOOT22] Entrance Guard: Well, I'll pour you a cup anyway!
Roger: No, really...
[BOOT23] Entrance Guard: Are you saying that tea isn't something you wouldn't want to not drink right now?

Roger: Could you repeat that?
[BOOT23] Entrance Guard: Are you saying that tea isn't something you wouldn't want to not drink right now? (Duplicate)

Roger: Could you excuse me for a moment?
[BOOT16] Entrance Guard: Sure. (Duplicate)

Dialog: dYesNoH

[BOOT24] Entrance Guard: Darn it!
[BOOT25] Entrance Guard: Okay, how about this...
[BOOT26] Entrance Guard: Wouldn't I not be diswrong...
[BOOT27] Entrance Guard: ...if I didn't unassume that you wouldn't not be dislying if you didn't unsay...
[BOOT28] Entrance Guard: ...that you didn't not unwant to not unhave a not too big a non-sip of the untea?

Roger: I'm hugely confused...
[BOOT26] Entrance Guard: Wouldn't I not be diswrong... (Duplicate)
[BOOT27] Entrance Guard: ...if I didn't unassume that you wouldn't not be dislying if you didn't unsay... (Duplicate)
[BOOT28] Entrance Guard: ...that you didn't not unwant to not unhave a not too big a non-sip of the untea? (Duplicate)

Roger: Could you excuse me for a moment?
[BOOT16] Entrance Guard: Sure. (Duplicate)

Dialog: dYesNoI

[BOOT29] Entrance Guard: ...want some tea?

Dialog: dPuzzle

Roger: This super stealthy lockpick?
Rupert: Dad! This man is trying to sway my young easily-influenced mind to the dark path of crime!
[BOOT30] Entrance Guard: What?! That's my job!

Roger: These nifty fortress blueprints?
Rupert: Dad! This man is attempting to smuggle me some top secret documents that he cannot possibly be authorized to possess!
[BOOT31] Entrance Guard: Nobody likes a tattle-tale, son!

Roger: Some candy?
Rupert: Ooh, yeah! Gimme!
Roger: Except I don't have candy.
[BOOT32] Entrance Guard: Do NOT give him sugar!
Rupert: Awww... but I need my sugar fix!

402 - Boot Camp - Entrance

[BOOT49] Entrance Guard: Hey you!
[BOOT50] Entrance Guard: You set off the alarm!
Roger: No I didn't!
[BOOT17] Entrance Guard: Are you sure? (Duplicate)
Roger: Yes.
[BOOT51] Entrance Guard: Are you really, REALLY not-not sure?
Roger: Just keep the gate open, will ya?

[BOOT52] Entrance Guard: Splendid! Here you go.
Roger: Oh well...

[BOOT53] Entrance Guard: Uhh... I see...
[BOOT54] Entrance Guard: Could you wait a moment, please?
Roger: Sure.
[BOOT55] Entrance Guard: NED! Get over here!
Ned: INSPECTOR ALERT! INSPECTOR ALERT! EVERYONE, CLEAN UP!!
Roger: ...did you just tell him to get the camp cleaned up before the inspection?
[BOOT39] Entrance Guard: No.
Roger: But I could swear he--
[BOOT56] Entrance Guard: Would you care for a cup of tea?
Roger: What, tea? No, I'd just like to--
[BOOT57] Entrance Guard: Are you sure you won't have just ONE cup?
Roger: ...did that tea just eat right through the spoon?
[BOOT58] Entrance Guard: What spoon? There is no spoon.
Roger: Yes, there was. The tea just melted it.
[BOOT17] Entrance Guard: Are you sure? (Duplicate)
[BOOT59] Entrance Guard: Perhaps it is YOU who is melted.
Roger: ...what?
[BOOT60] Entrance Guard: Exactly.
Roger: Anyway, getting back to the point...

[BOOT61] Entrance Guard: A-HA! I've got you now!
Roger: Oh well...
Roger: Wait... what did my answer mean anyway?
[BOOT62] Entrance Guard: Well, quite clearly you just told me that you...
[BOOT63] Entrance Guard: ...uhh...
[BOOT64] Entrance Guard: ...that you... err...
[BOOT65] Entrance Guard: ...wait a tic, wait a tic... if no and no make a yes...
[BOOT66] Entrance Guard: ...and the untea were to be undrunk...
[BOOT67] Entrance Guard: Would you happen to have a pen and paper?
Roger: Not really.
[BOOT68] Entrance Guard: ...okay, but can I just ask you one more question?
Roger: As long as it isn't about tea.
Comment: Bit of a Futurama reference here from when Fry wanted to ask Leela about her eye
Roger: Is it about tea?
[BOOT69] Entrance Guard: ...kinda.
Roger: Just say it.

[BOOT70] Entrance Guard: Ah, forget about the tea then.
Roger: ...huh?
[BOOT71] Entrance Guard: Unless...
Roger: No, no... I'm fine, really. Can I go in now?
[BOOT72] Entrance Guard: I'll show you around the base.
Roger: I'd rather inspect it alone.
[BOOT73] Entrance Guard: I'd rather you didn't.

Roger: You won't mind if I take this cup of tea, would you?
[BOOT74] Entrance Guard: No, not at all, go ahead!
[BOOT75] Entrance Guard: ...Aren't you going to drink it?
Roger: No, not really.
[BOOT76] Entrance Guard: ...You clever devil!

[BOOT77] Entrance Guard: Hey, you!
Roger: Hi, I'm looking for...

404 - Boot Camp - Center

Rupert: DAD!!!
[BOOT78] Entrance Guard: WHAT?!

Roger: Since I gave you that soda, could I borrow that puzzle of yours?
Rupert: It's all sticky now, so... yeah. Okay. But bring it back soon.
Roger: You betcha, kid.
Rupert: Great. Now I'm bored.
Rupert: DAD!!!
[BOOT79] Entrance Guard: What?!

Roger: Hey there, want some Smarm?
Rupert: Sure!
[BOOT80] Entrance Guard: Hey, wait...!
Rupert: Ewww!!
[BOOT81] Entrance Guard: Great, now your mother will blame me. I knew I shouldn't have brought you to work with me.

[BOOT82] Entrance Guard: Hey! Don't touch that button, you!

[BOOT83] Entrance Guard: Hey, you! You didn't press the alarm button, did you?
Roger: Who, me?
Ape Colonel: What's all this about?
[BOOT84] Entrance Guard: Sir! Somebody set off the gate alarm!
Ape Colonel: So why in the name of Vohaul aren't you at the gate?!
[BOOT85] Entrance Guard: Well... I had to... uh, this inspector here...
Ape Colonel: Get back to your post and find out what's going on!
[BOOT86] Entrance Guard: Yes, but...
Ape Colonel: And don't let me see you wandering around again! Is that clear?!
[BOOT87] Entrance Guard: Yes, sir.
Ape Colonel: Dismissed!

[BOOT88] Entrance Guard: That area's off limits!

Rupert: Where do babies come from?
[BOOT89] Entrance Guard: Go to your room, Rupert.
Rupert: But I don't have a room!
[BOOT90] Entrance Guard: Then just stay here!

Rupert: Why are you just standing here?
[BOOT91] Entrance Guard: Because daddy got passed over for another promotion.
Rupert: Neat!

Rupert: Can I have some money?
[BOOT92] Entrance Guard: Yes, if you can pry it from my cold, dead hands.
Rupert: Really?!
[BOOT93] Entrance Guard: No, now just sit down and shut up.

Rupert: Doesn't it bother you that all the people in the universe have sharply conflicting religions?
[BOOT94] Entrance Guard: That would be an ecumenical matter.

Rupert: Why don't I have any brothers or sisters?
[BOOT95] Entrance Guard: Have you ever heard of chemical castration?
Rupert: Sure! I've got all their albums!
[BOOT96] Entrance Guard: Well, there ya go.

Rupert: I have hair growing in really weird places...
[BOOT97] Entrance Guard: I certainly hope so.

Rupert: What's the difference between boys and girls?
[BOOT98] Entrance Guard: Boys like money and power and girls are the reason why.
Rupert: Neat!

Rupert: Why does grandpa never visit us anymore?
[BOOT99] Entrance Guard: Because grandma moved in.

Rupert: Why must we prolong the oppression of the indigenous species of this land? Should we not strive to coexist in harmony?
[BOOT100] Entrance Guard: You kids and your crazy ideas!

Rupert: Doesn't this inspector man look an awful lot like Roger Wilco?
[BOOT101] Entrance Guard: No, Roger Wilco doesn't have a moustache.

Rupert: If Vohaul isn't paying us anything, why don't we stage a revolution and abolish this cruel system of slavery?
[BOOT102] Entrance Guard: Well, we really like the casual Fridays.
Rupert: But you don't have clothes other than the uniform.
[BOOT103] Entrance Guard: It's complicated.

406 - Boot Camp - Minilith

[BOOT104] Entrance Guard: Don't bother the General.

Global Script

Roger: Who's that?
[BOOT33] Entrance Guard: Ah, that there's my son, Rupert.
Roger: What is he doing here?
[BOOT34] Entrance Guard: Today was bring-your-kid-to-work day - but it turned out only I'm the only one with a kid.
Roger: He's the only kid? Doesn't he get bored?
[BOOT35] Entrance Guard: Tell me about it.
[BOOT36] Entrance Guard: The only way I got him to stop bugging me all the time was to give him that old puzzle I found.

[BOOT37] Entrance Guard: Don't even THINK about disturbing the colonel!

[BOOT37] Entrance Guard: Don't even THINK about disturbing the colonel! (Duplicate)

[BOOT37] Entrance Guard: Don't even THINK about disturbing the colonel! (Duplicate)

[BOOT38] Entrance Guard: Don't bother the General! He's busy!

Roger: Is that gigantic gun making your forearms sore at all?
[BOOT39] Entrance Guard: No. (Duplicate)
Roger: Do you find it unnerving?
[BOOT39] Entrance Guard: No. (Duplicate)
Roger: A social impediment?
[BOOT39] Entrance Guard: No. (Duplicate)
Roger: Want to try putting it down for a while to make sure?
[BOOT39] Entrance Guard: No. (Duplicate)
Roger: Would you consider yourself to have a negative outlook?
[BOOT39] Entrance Guard: No. (Duplicate)
Roger: Okay... well... back to health inspecting, I guess...

Roger: Is that gate safe without you?
[BOOT40] Entrance Guard: It's a big planet with barely any people.
[BOOT41] Entrance Guard: Lots of us watching the way in.
[BOOT42] Entrance Guard: Besides, the alarm goes off if anyone comes through without authorization.
Roger: So... if the alarm goes off you'll be back at your post?
[BOOT43] Entrance Guard: That's a weird question to ask.
Roger: Well, sorry for making small talk!

[BOOT44] Entrance Guard: After you.

[BOOT45] Entrance Guard: I've still got my eye on you.

Roger: Beg your pardon, but does this ring a bell?
[BOOT46] Entrance Guard: Highly-reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass?
[BOOT47] Entrance Guard: It's not ours, I swear!

Roger: So... want some tea?
[BOOT48] Entrance Guard: Aaahhh... I see what you did there.