Script for Bartender

Description: Keeps the out-of-place bar in the Furkunz settlement.
He is your average bartender: loyal and always ready to talk about problems. He also pours one hell of an ice water.
Probably sounds somewhat Irish or Scottish and could have a slightly raspy voice.

Dialog: dBarman

Roger: Hey, there.
[BARM1] Bartender: Aye.
Comment: Roger's tone of voice should imply that he finds the bar very out-of-place
Roger: Nice place you've got here...
[BARM1] Bartender: Aye. (Duplicate)
Roger: And the neon sign, pretty cool-looking there...
[BARM1] Bartender: Aye. (Duplicate)
Roger: So...
[BARM2] Bartender: Just ask it already.
Roger: Okay. What's the deal with the bar?
[BARM3] Bartender: Aye, you probably wouldn't be expecting something like that in a refugee camp, would ye?
Roger: Exactly.
[BARM4] Bartender: Well, this camp may be just temporary, but you see, the mayor, he likes to have a little drink every once in a while. And he IS the mayor, so...
Roger: Ahh, so you serve alcohol in here then?
[BARM5] Bartender: Well... no. Just water, actually.
Roger: ... Right.

Roger: How much for another cup of water?
[BARM6] Bartender: It's free, actually.
Roger: Good, I can afford it then.
Roger: Pour me one.
[BARM7] Bartender: Coming up.

Roger: Barkeep, another water.
[BARM8] Bartender: I think you've had enough, lad.
Roger: ... What?
Roger: I've had enough water?
[BARM1] Bartender: Aye. (Duplicate)
Roger: ... Really?
[BARM1] Bartender: Aye. (Duplicate)
[BARM9] Bartender: Terrible what too much water can do to a man.
[BARM10] Bartender: I couldn't bear to see our great Xenonian hope fall victim.

Roger: Nice music.
[BARM1] Bartender: Aye. (Duplicate)
[BARM11] Bartender: They say the blind are the best piano players.
Roger: How did he go blind, anyway?
[BARM12] Bartender: Caveball accident.
[BARM13] Bartender: He couldn't handle the third kickoff.
Roger: Ouch. That must've been ugly.
[BARM14] Bartender: Aye, it was.

Roger: Any idea who may have stolen the plans?
[BARM15] Bartender: Merf.
Roger: Who?
[BARM16] Bartender: You see that hut over there?
[BARM17] Bartender: Separate from the tents that everybody else lives in?
[BARM18] Bartender: That's him. Richest guy in town, but never does any real work.
[BARM19] Bartender: You looking for a bribed traitor, that's him allright.
Roger: Hmm... guess I'll have to pay him a little visit then.
[BARM20] Bartender: Aye, you do that.
[BARM21] Bartender: But a word o' caution: He don't like no visitors.

Roger: Pardon me, would you have any grey poupon?
[BARM22] Bartender: Ain't heard of that drink before.
[BARM23] Bartender: How do you make it?
Roger: I... don't know.
[BARM24] Bartender: Well, I've got ice water.

Roger: That you do.
[BARM25] Bartender: Aye... that I do.

[BARM26] Bartender: You want ice water?
Roger: Ooh - yeah, that sounds good.
[BARM27] Bartender: Comin' right up.

Roger: I guess this is the part where I tell you about all my problems...
[BARM28] Bartender: We're all about the problems at this bar. What's ailin' ya?
Roger: Apart from the whole Vohaul thing, my girlfriend wants to get married.
[BARM29] Bartender: Ah, the lovely Beatrice? We've heard a thing or two about her.
Roger: Thing is, I do want to get married to her, but... I think we should wait.
[BARM30] Bartender: Aye. Been there, done that.
[BARM31] Bartender: Let me tell ya, the second they walk away from that altar, they become a completely different woman.
Roger: Oh, I didn't mean that. My situation is a little more complicated.
[BARM32] Bartender: How so?
Roger: For one, she's pregnant.
[BARM33] Bartender: Well, if you ask me, that makes the whole thing much simpler.
[BARM34] Bartender: Time's running out, so you just gotta man up and pop the question.
Roger: Well, there's also this second thing...

Roger: If you only serve water here, what's with all the bottles and taps?
[BARM35] Bartender: Well, you're gonna have to promise me not to tell the mayor.
Roger: Sure.
[BARM36] Bartender: As I told you, he likes to have a drink once in a while.
[BARM37] Bartender: And as you can figure out, getting supplies o' that can be a wee bit of a problem here.
Roger: Yes...?
[BARM38] Bartender: I've been serving nothing but water for the last couple of days.
[BARM39] Bartender: I thought it'd be fairly common knowledge now, but I don't think he has even noticed.
[BARM40] Bartender: It kinda creeps me out, really.
Roger: But the drunk guy next to me...
[BARM41] Bartender: Drunk? Nah.
[BARM42] Bartender: Third kickoff.
[BARM43] Bartender: Look... I don't want to get on the mayor's bad side, if you get my drift.
Roger: Alright, your secret's safe with me...
Roger: ... and everyone else.
[BARM44] Bartender: That's the spirit! Thanks, laddie.

Roger: Well, I'd better get going.
[BARM1] Bartender: Aye. (Duplicate)

Dialog: dBarmanSecret

Roger: Can you keep a secret that could rip space-time in half if it gets out?
[BARM45] Bartender: Sure. That's part of my job description.
Roger: Good. See, this baby we're about to have... I've met him. As an adult.
[BARM46] Bartender: Ah, now this is getting interesting. Time travel?
Roger: Exactly. He's been back here, and I've been all the way over there.
[BARM47] Bartender: Heh. I can see what you meant by the whole space-time thing. But do continue.
Roger: My memory is pretty hazy about most of the trip, but there's this one part that I keep flashing back to every time I think about proposing.
Roger: It was when Roger Jr showed me a picture of Beatrice and told me she was my wife.
[BARM48] Bartender: So, wait... you already know you're going to marry her?
[BARM49] Bartender: This keeps getting simpler and simpler.
Roger: Not quite. It's this one thing he slipped out - "She was quite beautiful, wasn't she?"
[BARM50] Bartender: Ohh. The past tense.
Roger: Indeed. Of course, he couldn't say anything more, so I have no idea what's going to happen to her.
Roger: But whatever it is, it will happen AFTER we get married.
[BARM51] Bartender: Ah, now I see. So you're thinking as long as you're not married...
Roger: ...she will be safe. Yeah.
Roger: And the worst thing about all this is - I can't tell Bea a single thing.
[BARM52] Bartender: Yeah, it would give the old continuum a solid beating if you did.
Roger: But she still wants to know why I want to postpone the marriage.
Roger: So far I've just been avoiding the topic whenever possible.
[BARM53] Bartender: Well, that certainly is quite a pickle you're in.
Roger: That it is, my friend. That it is.

Roger: Actually, never mind.
[BARM54] Bartender: Fair enough.

308 - Caves - Furkunz Bar

[BARM65] Bartender: Fresh ice water, on the house.
Roger: Um...thanks.
Odster: So, where were we...?
Finkle: We are the Furkunz...
Gofty: You already said that.
Finkle: Shut up.
Finkle: My name is Finkle, and this here is...
Roger: ...Einhorn?
Odster: Nope, Odster.
Gofty: And I'm Gofty.
Finkle: Anyway, Mister Wilco...
Roger: How do you know my name?
Finkle: How do we know your name? But you're famous!
Roger: I am?
Odster: You are the only man who has ever been able to defeat Vohaul and the apemen!
Gofty: You are like a hero to us!
Odster: Except for Mayor Nurb.
Odster: He doesn't trust any simians, as he calls you.
Gofty: But other than that, he's a nice fella.
Odster: Yeah!
Odster: Just last night, we were playing caveball with him, that was fun.
Gofty: Heh heh heh, yeah, after the third kickoff when Odster snatched his--
Finkle: Will you two let me speak?
Gofty: Sorry.
Odster: Sorry.
Finkle: We are on the same side as you are, Mister Wilco.
Finkle: We have a common enemy. Vohaul and the apes have been oppressing us for quite a while.
Gofty: We used to live up on the surface.
Gofty: That's where our real home is.
Gofty: But then one day the apemen came along and acted as if the planet was their property.
Finkle: They drove us off the surface and destroyed our village.
Finkle: We had nowhere else to go than down here, where they couldn't find us.
Odster: But we hate it in here. Apart from caveball, there's nothing to do.
Gofty: Although caveball IS quite fun. Especially when we play against the mayor.
Odster: Yeah!
Odster: Like that time he fumbled the double nelson during the far push and--
Finkle: Will you stop blabbering about this?
Gofty: Sorry.
Odster: Sorry.
Finkle: Anyway, we still haven't given up the hope to eventually claim back our spot on the surface.
Finkle: I'm the leader of the resistance and there is a big favor we'd like to ask you.
Finkle: However, I assume you would like some rest for now.
Finkle: Feel free to take a look around and talk to me again if you're interested in cooperation.

807 - Paragon Outro - Sideshow

[BARM66] Bartender: Ladies and gentlemen, step right up and see the horrible Abominable Snowman!
Roger: Oooooooh!
Never Kenezer: You know, the hair isn't so bad when you get used to it.
[BARM67] Bartender: Snowmen DON'T TALK.

Global Script

[BARM55] Bartender: You don't want to do that.

Roger: Want this piece of highly-reflective Octuple-Thick Pseudo-Morphed Windshield Glass?
[BARM56] Bartender: That depends. Is there anything special about it?
Roger: Well, it's highly reflective. And Octuple-Thick.
[BARM57] Bartender: Go on...
Roger: And did I mention it's Pseudo-Morphed?
[BARM58] Bartender: Hmmm... you drive a hard bargain. I'll have to ask the wife about it first.

[BARM59] Bartender: Don't worry about it. It's on the house.

[BARM60] Bartender: So a janitor and the Almighty Bottle walk into a bar...
[BARM61] Bartender: The bartender says, 'Hey, what's with the bottle?'
[BARM62] Bartender: And the janitor says...
Roger: I stole it from your sacred shrine!
[BARM63] Bartender: That's a terrible joke.
Roger: You started it.

[BARM64] Bartender: I'm good. Thanks.